Live. Let Go. Breathe.

This is what the LORD says:

I, the Lord, made everything.
I stretched out the heavens by myself.

I spread out the earth all alone.

The end of the semester is just around the corner. Another year gone. Another week of finals. That time of the semseter to freak out and do a million things at once. Always the same worries. How will it all get done? But, it always does. Everytime. And, as I have gotten older, as the end of my school days suddenly are within sight... I realize, sometimes, you just have to breathe. Breathe deep. And not let yourself get stressed. It will be okay. More than that, you can make time to enjoy life. To enjoy the day. To take in the beauty God has put around you.

I awoke this morning surprisingly refreshed (after 5 hours of sleep) and full of life. By noon it was around 70 degrees. And I just knew that I couldn't let this day go to waste. I couldn't spend it cooped up in the library or being productive. I had to be outside. I convinced my friend Annalyn to go for a hike and we headed to Fort Collins... and, as I stood there, looking out at the lake and the vast landscape in front of me, only one things came to mind: How can you not believe there is a God?! So much beauty... there has to be credit given.

It is in these moments that I feel absorbed in my surroundings. I feel like I could stand there forever. Looking out. Taking it all in. Breathing in the fresh air. Thanking God for this moment - and for every moment. And, all I can do is smile. It's like I'm bubbling with this joy and unexplainable desire for life. For God. For everything around me. I'm happy, and I want everyone else to be happy. I want them to see this. I want them to see what I'm seeing. Yes, I'm a dork. Pure and simple. But, I think you have to be a dork sometimes - go crazy over the little things that take your breath away. The things that make you giggle. The things that make you wonder. You have to be dorky. You have to be spontaneous. Sometimes, you just have to live!

Obligations are important. Responsiblities cannot be thrown to the wayside. But, it is okay to take some time out of the chaos of every day life and escape. Get away. Do something you love. And, take someone you love along with you. Make a day of it. Stop worrying about tomorrow. Stop worrying about everything you have to get done. Stop stressing. Just breathe! And appreciate each new day for what it is: a gift from God. :) Let God surprise you. Open your eyes. Open your heart. Laugh. Smile. And, Give Thanks.

Everything came into existence through Him. Not one thing that exists was made without Him. He is the source of life, and that life is the light for humanity. The light shines in the dark, and the dark has never [and will never] distinguish it.

Follow Me.

Though to say we got much hope,

If I am lost it's only for a little while.

To the feelings of loss, and to being lost. To the remnants of inadequacy, and to self-doubt. To the inability to believe, and to the lack of faith. To the unresolved past, and to the guilt. To the fear of the future, and the unanswered desires of our heart. : You have not won. And, you will not win. This may be a path of unknown destinations and questions without answers. But, I do not embark alone. I come armed. And, your demise is drawing near. I know you want me to hold on. And, I used to believe I wanted that too. It was comfortable to wallow. It was safe to remain where I was. It was easy to not face you. It was nice to pretend that you didn't exist. But, it wasn't fulfilling. You do nothing more than tie me down, and hold me back. And so, as I embark on this narrow path towards the life I've always wanted... you need to know that I'm leaving you behind. For, you see, I've found something that is greater than anything you have ever given me, or tried to offer me. Far greater than all the lies you have asked me to believe over the years.

I do not embark alone. For, I have found the truth. Here on this path, lost in the silence, I have heard. I have seen. I walk now with a willingness to follow the One who has saved me. The One who has promised to never leave me. The One who will always be there. To the feelings of loss, and to being lost: I have been found, by God. To the remnants of inadequacy, and to self-doubt: I have been told that God will use me in my weakness, for He is strong, and through Him, I will be strong. To the inability to believe, and the lack of faith: I have faith in God's unfailing love, freely given. I will believe in this, in Him, because it makes me whole again. To the unresolved past, and to the guilt: Your chains are broken. Christ is stronger. I am forgiven. I am saved. To the fear of the future, and the unanswered desires of my heart: I trust that God has a plan. He will grant me the desires of my heart, as I seek Him each and every day, and follow where He leads.

The steps of a man are established by the Lord, when he delights in His ways; though he stumbles, he will never fall, for the Lord holds him by the hand.

snapshot.

driving home i saw the moon, foggy orange and iridescent yellow,
attempting to break away from the interlocking cloudscape.
it's hard to drive and stare up at the same time.
but, i'll risk an accident for this moment. mystery, and
beauty; raindrops brush my face when i step outside.
it's impossible not to see it, to see this, for what it is.
i stand alone, yet, all the while surrounded by immensity,
wandering photographs with only one author to praise,
photographs that will never be captured, or explained.

It's All I Can Do.

I sit. The voice at the front of the room drones on, the aesthetics of the novel, or something like that. I want to vomit. The smell of cigarette smoke is overwhelmingly reaching my nostrils, drafting upward from the girl in the baseball cap, directly behind. The girl who rarely shows. The girl who sits behind me texting on her phone. I can hear it. Click. Click. Click. I can't hear. I can't breathe. I think I'm going to be sick. Damn you, girl in the baseball cap. Maybe she doesn't understand. Maybe she doesn't recognize the consequences. Or, perhaps, she doesn't care. Well, I care.

I remember her, now lost, attempting to draw breath from the nose and mouth on her thin and sunken face. Her strength was robbed from her. It wasn't a choice. It wasn't a result of her life choices. I remember when her lungs starting filling with fluid, when it became hard to breath. She used to cough uncontrollably. Over. And over. And over again. Sleep was sometimes not even an option, not even in her chair, sitting straight up. She lost her ability to breath. She lost her ability to live. Hey, girl in the baseball cap, do you have a death wish?

I sit. The voice in my head resonates, asking one question. Why? Just a word. But, its complexities never ending. I will never know. I will never know why the girl in the baseball cap smokes. Why she skips class. Why she doesn't care. Even the little things I do know are built on assumption. An unfair judgement on my part. Perhaps I am wrong entirely. But, I still want to know why. Why smokers choose to risk an early death, purposely damaging their bodies. Maybe they have never seen what happens when a person's lungs stop working, when the person literally is left without any way to breathe... Maybe they should.

My professor is still talking. Novels. And passivity. Something about heteroglossia. I'll look it up later... Sometimes I just have to write it down. I don't choose when it happens. I don't control when the urge strikes me. I don't control when the words start filing into my head in perfect order. It just happens. Just like emotion happens. Just like the memories happen. One spark and I'm lost, removed from everything going on around me. All I can hear is the click. click. click. All I can smell is the smoke enveloping me. All I can see, is her.

Be my pulse, my prayer, my God.

[He said I am. He said I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. He spoke, and it was done. He created the world with a spoken word. He died so that we may live. He is our Savior. He is our Lord. The Sovereign. The King. The Light of the World. Jehovah-Jireh, the provider. Almighty. Creator. Counselor. Mighty God. Prince of Peace. Deliverer. Lord of Lords. The Messiah. The Redeemer. The Rock. Our Shelter. Our Shield. He said, I am the Way, the Truth, and the Light.]

She said she felt alive. She said she believed in happiness and joy and laughter. She said she didn't believe in herself. She said she didn't deserve more than she had. She said she would be okay. Why are you crying? He said he didn't need anyone but himself. He said that somewhere along the way, work became more important. He said he was going to be famous someday. He said he would change the world. He said he didn't need anyone but himself. Let me lift up your face. She said she lived for the weekends. She said she prayed for someone to take her home at night. She said she needed someone to hold her. She said she had sex just to be held, just to feel wanted. She said she was barely hanging on. Why are you looking for love? She said she used to believe in God. She said she used to go to church. She said she used to pray. She said that one day she woke up. She said one day she didn't know how to believe anymore. Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough. He said he would walk until he found it. Whatever it was. He said he would walk the world until he found significance. He said he would walk until he found where he belonged. He said he was afraid he would walk forever. Where will you go child, where will you run?

She said I'm not okay. She said she needed something more. She said she didn't know what happiness was anymore. She was lost. She was scared. She was broken. She stopped feeling alive years ago, and she didn't know how to find her way back. I'll be your side wherever you fall, in the dead of night, whenever you call. He said he was lonely. He said he didn't have any friends. He said he didn't have anyone to talk to. He talked out loud and wondered if anyone heard him. He wondered if there was a God... She said the physical stopped being enough. She needed to be held everyday. She needed to find a constant source of comfort. She needed to find someone who would always be there. She said she was done living for the weekends. Please don't fight these hands that are holding you. She wanted proof. She wanted evidence that God existed. She wanted to believe again. But, she didn't know. She didn't know how to see the truth. She wanted something to hold onto again. She wanted her faith back. Look at these hands, they swallowed the grave. I drank the world's sin so I could carry you in and give you life. He said he was tired of walking. He said he would just stop. He felt dead inside. He felt dry. He felt lost and alone. He said he would sit here until he found it. Until, it came to him. He said he would sit here until he died. I want to give you life.

God said, I will transform your heart. God said, I will give you joy again. God said I will give you grace. I will give you mercy. I will dry dry your tears. God said, I am enough. God said, I can fix you. I can make you whole again. I can make the dead alive again. I will pick you up. I will heal you. I will restore you. God said, Let me hold you. Let me in your heart. Let me fill you with vibrant colors. Let me breathe the breath of life into you. God said, Accept me. God said, I will find you. You are significant to me. Talk to me. Cry to me. Live for me. God said, I love you, I want you to know, that I love you, I'll never let you go. My hands are holding you.

Here, Lord. Here's My Heart.

Psalm 37:4 "Be happy with the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart."

I have given you my heart. And I will continue to give it to you - day by day. Hour by hour. Moment by moment. I am placing it in your hands. No matter much I want to run with my feelings, no matter how hard it is. Even though I want to hold on to it and give it away as I please, I am trusting you. I am asking you to take it, to guard it. Your plan is perfect. Your will is flawless. The future looms ahead with all these unanswered questions - but you already know the answers... don't you? I believe in you. I trust in you. But, that doesn't mean it's easy. It's a constant choice. To let you
have the power. To let you have control over who I am and where I'm heading. Where I will be a few years from now. You know my heart, Lord. You know - because it's yours. You have it in the palm of your hand. Can you see how it beats? How it beats for you. You are my first love. You are my passion. You are number one. The object of my affection. I will always choose you. I will always put your desires above my own... Or, at least, I will try. I know I will mess up. (But, you know that too.) I will give you everything. With all that I have. With all that I am. I'm trying not to worry, God. I'm trying not to overthink. Or play the "what-if" game. Or imagine what my life might be like. I am trying to take it day by day. Because, right now, that's the only way I see myself staying focused on you. There are so many things I want to know. Certain things. Important things. The desire of my heart... I am trying not to let it run away with me. Eyes above and focused on You. I will make it through. This day. And all the days to come. And when you reveal your plan to me. When you show me. It will be okay. Because, no matter what, it will be for a reason. Your reason. Let my desires be your desires. Let the feelings within me come from you, and only you. You know the desires of my heart... let them come from you. Let what I'm feeling be from you. I love you. I am trusting you. I believe all things work together for the good, your good. The future is uncertain. The way is narrow. The view is sometimes dim. But you are the light. You are the answer. You are the hope. I will hold onto you. To survive, I will never let you go.

All Yours.

I don't know what you're doing.
But, I hear you.
I don't know what you're doing.
But, I feel you.
Wreck me with your LOVE.
Break me. Move me. Hold me.
I want to hear your calling.
I want to know where you're leading.
Be my strength, and I will cling.

I don't know what you're doing.
But, I want more.
I don't know what you're doing.
But, I need you.
Now, more than ever, overwhelming.
I'm so overcome, I'm without words.
My heart is JOY. The tears fall.
The emotion is overpowering.
Where do I go from here?

I don't know what you're doing.
But, my life is yours.
I don't know what you're doing.
But, I'm giving you ALL.
My dreams. My desires. My goals.

I don't know what you're doing.
But, I'm waiting to see.
I don't know what you're doing.
But, I am willing.
I will go where you send me.
I will change for you, LORD.
You have my heart.
You have my soul.
I live for you alone.

Every breath.
Every movement.
Every word.
Everything I am is for YOU.
You are my reason.
You are my calling.
You are my light.

I don't know what you're doing.
But, I'm falling into you.
I don't know what you're doing.
But, I'm on my knees.

Have ME. All of me.
I'm done running.
Here is my LIFE.
Do what you may.

A perfect moment.

You look down from heaven, and melt me with your gaze.

I am standing here, between now and forever, unable to move. The world goes still. I close my eyes. I hear the music. It's beautiful, but I feel like crying. And I can't explain it. But, I feel it. Draw me into you. I want to stay lost here. Here, where the world makes sense. Here, where the pain can't reach me. Here, where I can lose control and it's okay. Your love accepts me as I am. I am free. I am worthy. I am whole. I let it all go and give it to you. I find you. I let you touch me. I let you hold me. Because, this is all I know. This is the only place I run.

The music says more than I ever could.

The music is always there, waiting for me to push play. The music never fails me. The music never stops until I want it to. I put on my headphones and the world dissapears. I am lost, but somehow, I am found. Deep breaths. Letting the instruments and voices collide into some hidden meaning. I hear something. Even in the absence of words, I hear something. It's more than just my ears. It's my soul. It's my body. It's my entire being beating back. Suddenly, nothing else matters. This is my world. This is my secret place. No one can find me here.

My mouth may stay closed, but there are still words being said.

Sometimes I can't say out loud everything I feel. My mind is cluttered and I can't find articulation. But I can always find a paper and a pen. I can always find the keys beneath my fingers - starting to speak in some melodic harmony of their own. And, suddenly I have spoken. Sometimes I close my eyes. I hear what I'm saying in my head and let my fingers do the work subconsciously. Yes, I mispell. Yes, I forget words. That is what editing is for. Because closing your eyes. Listening the perfect song. Typing, and letting your mind takee you away - there is nothing more calming than that.

I am alive. I am breathing. I am at peace.

Be Thou My Vision.

Be thou my vision, O Lord of my heart,

all else but naught to me, save that thou art;

thou my best thought by the day by night,

waking and sleeping, thy presence my light.

Sometimes you can just feel it. The presence of God. The continuing prick on your heart - the prick that causes you to question, to wonder, to desire to fall deeper and deeper in Love with Him. I have been feeling God a lot lately... I have been yearning for Him... and, it never ceases to amaze what He puts in front of me. In my Art of Persuasion class we have been talking about absolute truths. The general consensus of my very liberal class of peers is that - there are no abslolute truths. Today, we even ventured so far as to talk about God. And my teacher posed this question: If there are no absolutes, what's the point? As I'm sitting there thinking - There is no point, one of my peers raised her hand and said this:

"I used to go to church. I used to believe in God.
Until I came to college and realized that what I believed was false.

And, at first it was disheartening, but eventually I got over it.

I'm still alive. When I wake up in the morning, it doesn't matter

if Jesus loves me. It doesn't matter. Because I'm still

responsible of getting out of bed. I'm not going to keep my job

just because Jesus loves me. That's on me."

I can't even explain the immediate rush of emotion that came over me. It was like I had been personally attacked. My God, My Jesus - the one I loved so much, reduced to no significance. In the same breath, I wanted to cry. For this girl. For the corruption of the education system and the people who conduct it. Who has the right to dismantle someone's beliefs? Who has the right to tell a student what is and isn't true? How can a student walk into a classroom believing in God and come out not believing at all? My teacher also spoke to that. She said it's something that happens a lot. It's hard to teach these concepts because students are subject to become depressed. They believe something their whole life, and the academy rips that apart. The solution: Well, at first it sucks. But, eventually you get over it. You realize there is still meaning out there somewhere - and you're responsible for finding it.

Maybe, I just don't understand. I have believed in God my whole life. But, that doesn't mean I haven't gone through periods of my life where I put Him on the shelf. Where I believe that I could do it on my own. I could find significance on my own. I could make my own decisions. I could follow my own plan. And, it would all turn out okay. Because, I was in control. Let me tell you - Those were some dark days. Sure, they were fun. But, they were very irresponsible and careless. At the end of the day, when your plan falls apart, where do you run to? If you don't have the answers and if your friends don't have the answers, who does? It's terrifying to walk alone and wake up one day and realize that you have absolutely no clue what you're doing.

I run back to God because He does love me. He loves me and that gives me a reason to hold onto Hope. If I didn't believe in God... I don't believe I would be here. We all need to know there something outside ourselves that gives us significance right? If there are no absolute truths, than where does that leave us... where does that leave our world... where does that leave our future... It's scary to think about. If there is no purpose, if there is no recognized truth, than why are we even here?

"There is no question that a part of what we believe as Christians is that Jesus was in fact God. We cling to this TRUTH, we cling to that which we do not understand... and, as Jesus looks across the social landscape into [our] fear-filled eyes, He does not offer a formula that will help us win the game. He offers Himself... If there is any hope for you and me, for this planet kelter in the fifteen-billion lightyear expanse of endless, the hope would have to be in this MAN who contends HE is not of us, but WITH us, and simply IS. I AM WHO I AM."

If not God, than what. If not Hope, than what. If not truth, than what. If not love, than what. If not answers, than what. I may not understand God. I may not be able to explain the Bible, or all His promises, or all His teachings. I may not understand how God is who He is. But believing in Him, and accepting the unanswered for questions for what they are in hopes of having someone to hold onto who will always love me, and who will always be there, someone who fulfills His promises, someone who forgives me, someone who tells me I am significant - well, that seems a lot better than believing in nothing at all.

between the pages.

"Every human being has

this need for something

outside himself to tell

him who he is."

- Donald Miller, Searching

For God Knows What

[this is my lovely journal.

it makes me happy. most of its contents

are hidden from the rest of the world.

unlike this blog - my journal is raw.

but, for just today, here is an entry

from my lovely journal.]

Where is significance found? Where is it hiding? Is the secret hidden in between the pages of magazines, in the subliminal messages of popular TV shows, amidst text-books and classic literature, underneath the most favorite of song lyrics? Is the secret within others, or is it within ourselves? What makes us who we are? What makes us individual, and unique, and separate from the rest of the world? How do we reach the place of owning our supposed slef - who we create ourselves to be. Or, think we are.

There is the presence of the "everyday self" - the self we appear to be and the self others perceive us as. There is a facade. But, it is safe here. It makes us believe that our world is safe, that it is comfortable, and that we are accepted and adequate entities of this world. Our everday self does the right thing, says the right thing, acts according to social norms and expectations, and lives an average, happy life. Our everyday self is content because that is the appearance it evokes. We don't want to be "other", we don't want to stand out, we just want to live - peacefully.

Reality check: We are not our everyday selves. We are so much more. But do we admit/show that to other people? Do we acknowledge it to ourselves? Or, do we hide? Do we pretend all the things underneath the surface are insignificant? We shouldn't. Because, those things are more significant than our "everyday self". That is what makes us unique. That is what makes us stand out from the crowd. That is worthy of knowing. Of seeing. Of hearing.

We all have secrets. We all have hidden parts of who we are. Why are afraid of showing our true colors? If it is a fear of not being loved and accepted - those people probably weren't worth it anyway. They don't deserve to see your "true self". But, trust me. There are people who will love you for those parts of you. In fact, there are people who already do. Those rare friendships. Those intimate conversations. The connections you can't explain. The people you trust without really knowing why...

What are we afraid of? Life is too short to fear the reactions of other people. Stand on your own two feet. Speak. Be who you are. Tell the truth. Reveal a secret. You might be surprised how well it is received. You might be surprised by the relationships that are formed because of it. People will surprise you if you give them a chance to see your "true self." And, you might surprise yourself in the process.

Back to the issue of significance - THere is only ONE who will love us for every single part of ourself, true or everyday. Wholeheartedly, without condition, without failing, without questions, never-ending, unconditional, and without judgement. That ONE is God. (I'm not trying to preach to you. But acknowledge this.) He made us. He created us significant. From the moment we were born, we meant something to Him. He will never be surprised by what we repress to others - He already knows. He knows our heart. He loves us. He believes in us. He sees us as more than accepted - He sees us as treasured. We can find signficance in Him. We can find the answers.

But, that doesn't mean we shouldn't give others a chance. God did not intend for us to walk through this life alone. So be real. Stop being afraid. Bear your "true self" instead of your "everyday self". Be willing to take a risk. Reveal a secret, or two. Let someone in. Let God in.

Crucified to Set Me Free.

My Child:

Be still, and know that I am God. Just breathe. Take it all in. Will you come with me? Will you follow me? Not just today. But every day - for the rest of your life. I want to be with you and in the world to come. I want you to be with me forever. Don't live life in fear. I have my hand on you. I stretched out my arms and I died for you. And, my arms are open again - waiting for you to run into them. I will hold you when the world goes dark. I will hold you when you lose hope. I will hold you when no one else will. Always, and forever. By grace you have been saved... all you have to do is believe. Have faith. I am offering you the greatest gift, and it's free. All you have to do is take it. All you have to do is accept it. I paid it all. I paid it for you. Because, I love you. Because, I forgive you.

You were once a beautiful rose. The world trampled you, and used you, and touched you... you lost your petals. You lost your scent. You lost your allure. But I can restore you. I can make you whole again. I want you. Never forget that. I am beckoning you. I am asking you to fall on your knees. Give me your pain. Give me your regrets. Give me your doubts. Give me your mistakes. Give me your questions. Give me your tears. Give me your anger. Give me your frustration. Give me all your baggage. I'll take it all. I'll lift the weight. I'll make you new again. All you have to do is ask. All you have to do is talk to me. All you have to do is believe.

You don't have to be lost any longer. I can make you whole again. I am calling you. Please don't refuse me. My heart aches to know you. To really know you. Let me in. Let me love you. Let me heal you. Let me lead you. Look inside your heart. I am here. And, I'm not going anywhere...

Love, Jesus

Only a Hug.

"HUGGING IS GOOD MEDICINE. It transfers energy and gives the person hugged an emotional lift. You need four hugs a day for survival, eight for maintenance, and twelve for growth. Scientists say that hugging is a form of communication because it can say things you don't have the words for. And the nices thing about a hug is that you usually can't give one without getting one."

Sometimes, all we need is someone. Someone, to hold us.