She used to love walking, through parks, along sidewalks, in the company of a friend. She was a fast walker, moving a rapid pace until she returned, nearly out of breath. Now she sits, oxygen tank by her side, the tubes traveling up to her nose. Without even moving, she is already out of breath. Her walking days are over... She now spends her time in her favorite chair, sometimes doing a puzzle, other times just relaxing. She is no longer the pace setter. Her pace has been set for her by the enemy living within her body - cancer. Over the past months it has made her pace slower and slower until getting up to take a few steps sets her into a fit of coughing. Her body is frail, and those firm hugs she used to give - a little looser. The few strands of hair she still has peek from underneath the baseball cap she no longer goes without. She is no longer the same person. The cancer has over taken her body and turned her into someone weak and frail. The only thing that has not faltered is her heart, her spirit, and her faith. She still laughs, jokes, smiles, and believes. She is still the same caring, tenderhearted, loving woman, everyone loves. And because of that spirit, that hope, she is strong.
She will always be one of the most respected and treasured people in my life... whether she is sitting right next to me, or whether one day she is forced to live on in my heart. She is my aunt, I love her and I will never forget all the different ways she has touched my life. She has been a part of shaping who I am, and I hope that one day I have the privelege of being even a fraction of the person she is. She is truly amazing...
February 27, 2007
February 22, 2007
to keep living
everyone is different. something strikes us one way or another, good or bad, and each of us have a different way of dealing with it. the people around us don't always understand why... but to us, its the only way. we don't know any other way of handling it.
we laugh. we cry. we get angry and take it out on the people around us. we seclude ourselves and refuse to let anyone come near us. we distance ourselves from others, or we cling tightly to the ones we love with fear. we let our minds go completely blank so we don't have to think about it... whatever it is. sometimes we hurt ourselves, in one way or another... and it gets worse. we don't allow ourselves to get up and so instead we just keep falling. we break down. we break down and... we stay down.
sometimes people comment, "he doesn't know how to handle it." to them, they are right. they are all knowing because they are the ones looking in on the situation... and they are the stronger person. they are stronger because they are not there. they are not experiencing the kind of pain, heartache, struggle, confusion, and dissapointment the person they are judging is going through. when we are little we are told to put ourselves in another person's shoes to know how they feel... easier said than done. in fact, easy to say... impossible to do. unless you have actually been there, until you know exactly what someone is going through, you are clueless as to how a situation should be handled. you have no right to say anything. you don't know.
everyone handles things differently. it is how they feel a sort of comfort... it is how they survive. whether it is "right or wrong" does not matter to them. and unless they are on the verge of doing something harmful... it shouldn't matter to you.
help them along, be the shoulder they can cry on, let them know you care, and if you do... it will be much easier for them to start standing again. but don't judge, love them where they are and try to be as understanding as possible, even if you have no idea how they feel.
and if they push you away... don't take it personally. for its a good possibility that they know you don't understand... and maybe never will. and involving people in something they can't comprehend sometimes makes things more complicated than they already are.
yes, everyone handles situations in their own way.
and that way... is the reason a lot of us are still here:
breathing, living, laughing, crying, and moving on.
life is hard. and we're going to break down.
but if we find a way to deal with the struggles...
even if it is "our way"... we'll make it.
we laugh. we cry. we get angry and take it out on the people around us. we seclude ourselves and refuse to let anyone come near us. we distance ourselves from others, or we cling tightly to the ones we love with fear. we let our minds go completely blank so we don't have to think about it... whatever it is. sometimes we hurt ourselves, in one way or another... and it gets worse. we don't allow ourselves to get up and so instead we just keep falling. we break down. we break down and... we stay down.
sometimes people comment, "he doesn't know how to handle it." to them, they are right. they are all knowing because they are the ones looking in on the situation... and they are the stronger person. they are stronger because they are not there. they are not experiencing the kind of pain, heartache, struggle, confusion, and dissapointment the person they are judging is going through. when we are little we are told to put ourselves in another person's shoes to know how they feel... easier said than done. in fact, easy to say... impossible to do. unless you have actually been there, until you know exactly what someone is going through, you are clueless as to how a situation should be handled. you have no right to say anything. you don't know.
everyone handles things differently. it is how they feel a sort of comfort... it is how they survive. whether it is "right or wrong" does not matter to them. and unless they are on the verge of doing something harmful... it shouldn't matter to you.
help them along, be the shoulder they can cry on, let them know you care, and if you do... it will be much easier for them to start standing again. but don't judge, love them where they are and try to be as understanding as possible, even if you have no idea how they feel.
and if they push you away... don't take it personally. for its a good possibility that they know you don't understand... and maybe never will. and involving people in something they can't comprehend sometimes makes things more complicated than they already are.
yes, everyone handles situations in their own way.
and that way... is the reason a lot of us are still here:
breathing, living, laughing, crying, and moving on.
life is hard. and we're going to break down.
but if we find a way to deal with the struggles...
even if it is "our way"... we'll make it.
February 11, 2007
inside my heart
hap·py (hāp'ē)
Characterized by good luck; fortunate.
Enjoying, showing, or marked by pleasure, satisfaction, or joy.
Being especially well-adapted; felicitous:
its dark. everyone is sleeping. except for me...
three o'clock in the morning and there i am.
yet again. my mind whirling.
the tears falling onto my pillow.
asking yet again:
when do i get to be happy?
there are many less fortuanate than i.
yet my heart tells me i have been unlucky.
i am not satisified. i do not sing of joy.
begging for a more enjoyable life... i cry.
struggles, past and present, bring me down.
i am losing the battle.
last night a temptation arose.
appealing, as i remembered its' comfort.
[being able to control the pain]
oh stranger, it has been so long.
and from you i will continue to run.
your proposal spells disaster.
my fingers tightly grasp a fraying strand.
hope that seems to be running out.
i promise i will try - to keep my head above water.
but sometimes my arms begin to tire.
and then i sink, until You pull me up and say:
I created you. I love you. I forgive you.
Characterized by good luck; fortunate.
Enjoying, showing, or marked by pleasure, satisfaction, or joy.
Being especially well-adapted; felicitous:
its dark. everyone is sleeping. except for me...
three o'clock in the morning and there i am.
yet again. my mind whirling.
the tears falling onto my pillow.
asking yet again:
when do i get to be happy?
there are many less fortuanate than i.
yet my heart tells me i have been unlucky.
i am not satisified. i do not sing of joy.
begging for a more enjoyable life... i cry.
struggles, past and present, bring me down.
i am losing the battle.
last night a temptation arose.
appealing, as i remembered its' comfort.
[being able to control the pain]
oh stranger, it has been so long.
and from you i will continue to run.
your proposal spells disaster.
my fingers tightly grasp a fraying strand.
hope that seems to be running out.
i promise i will try - to keep my head above water.
but sometimes my arms begin to tire.
and then i sink, until You pull me up and say:
I created you. I love you. I forgive you.
February 09, 2007
The Carousel
"Giddy up horsey!" screamed the little girl on the carousel. Her thin blonde ponytails flew in the wind, accompianed by the purple ribbons that held them in place. Cascading over the horse was the beautiful purple and white dress she wore, and on her toes a pair of perfectly white shoes.
"Giddy up!" she yelled again, and then turned to the side to see her parents standing there smiling.
The galant ride atop the white carousel pony went on for a good ten minutes before it came to a halt and the little girl jumped off the horse and ran down into her daddy's arms.
He scooped her up and kissed her cheek and the mother laughed by his side, as she took his arm and they walked away from the carousel together.
Sweet carousel, innocent child, a combination that is the recipe for happiness. Yet happiness is not what little girls are made of.
15 years later... the girl has become a vivid and wild 19 year old. Her once blonde hair is now as black as night, and the dress has been replaced with fancy bras and small skirts. On her feet she wears nothing, shoes are not needed where she is.
The bounciness of her childhood is no longer. Now all she longs for is making people happy. Harmless right? Wrong, for that wanting is the key to her broken heart, buried within her. She is no longer someone who is loved, but someone who is used.
Theres on a knock on her door. Walking over the beer bottles and the trash that can be found all over, the woman gets up and lets the visitor in.
He, is a tall, muscular man, around the age of 23. His hair is dark brown, and he wears a white t-shirt and faded jeans. He walks in and the two exchange words.
"You know what I want."
"What you want isn't free you know..."
"Oh, I think it is." and with that he pulls out a gun, and points it at her head. She falls back and sits on the bed. Tears begin coming down her face, as he walks towards her.
And as he walks closer she begins to sing,
"Sitting on a carousel ride without any music or light.
Everything was closed at coney island, and I could not help from smiling..."
[written November 30th, 2004]
"Giddy up!" she yelled again, and then turned to the side to see her parents standing there smiling.
The galant ride atop the white carousel pony went on for a good ten minutes before it came to a halt and the little girl jumped off the horse and ran down into her daddy's arms.
He scooped her up and kissed her cheek and the mother laughed by his side, as she took his arm and they walked away from the carousel together.
Sweet carousel, innocent child, a combination that is the recipe for happiness. Yet happiness is not what little girls are made of.
15 years later... the girl has become a vivid and wild 19 year old. Her once blonde hair is now as black as night, and the dress has been replaced with fancy bras and small skirts. On her feet she wears nothing, shoes are not needed where she is.
The bounciness of her childhood is no longer. Now all she longs for is making people happy. Harmless right? Wrong, for that wanting is the key to her broken heart, buried within her. She is no longer someone who is loved, but someone who is used.
Theres on a knock on her door. Walking over the beer bottles and the trash that can be found all over, the woman gets up and lets the visitor in.
He, is a tall, muscular man, around the age of 23. His hair is dark brown, and he wears a white t-shirt and faded jeans. He walks in and the two exchange words.
"You know what I want."
"What you want isn't free you know..."
"Oh, I think it is." and with that he pulls out a gun, and points it at her head. She falls back and sits on the bed. Tears begin coming down her face, as he walks towards her.
And as he walks closer she begins to sing,
"Sitting on a carousel ride without any music or light.
Everything was closed at coney island, and I could not help from smiling..."
[written November 30th, 2004]
February 05, 2007
bittersweet goodbyes
he was leaning against the building; tall, broad shoulders, brown hair, no smile. his dark blue eyes stared intently at the crowd filing into the building for the big game... searching for someone in particular. he had no intention of entering that gymnasium. he was here to do one thing, and as soon as he had he was leaving. not only leaving the building…he was leaving the state. and he was never coming back. after tonight he doubted there would be anything left for him here. and that was the way it had to be. he crossed his arms and briefly looked at the ground. focusing on one area helped him not to lose it. he couldn't break down yet. not here. not now. not till it was over. he took a deep breath and raised his head. and that’s when he saw her.
she was walking towards him without a care in the world; her hair blowing gently back and her face radiant with a smile. he could hear her laugh and he winced. [he had always loved that laugh, loved hearing it, and now it was killing him to know he would probably never hear it again]. she was surrounded by friends on either side and they walked arm in arm. he knew them well and wished they would just vanish. but there they were. she looked from friend to friend, smiling big, and then slightly forward... and in that moment: she saw him. their eyes locked and immediately her smile evaporated. it was as if an unexpected storm cloud had suddenly enclosed the sun. the light was no longer able to escape and suddenly the night felt gloomier. she stopped in her tracks. her friends continued a step before realizing and turned to look at her. she simply stared. following her gaze they saw him. leaning against the building, looking as intimidating as ever and yet at the same time... completely vulnerable.
his heart was beating loudly inside his chest. this was it. it was time. he watched her whisper something to her friends; and then they squeezed her hand and continued toward the gym doors... passing him as they went they simply smiled out of pure habit. a smile merely given for lack of a better response. he didn't smile back. all he could do was stare at her as she gradually made her way towards him. when she reached him he didn't say a word. and neither did she. they were both terrified of what was to come. him, knowing what had to be said and she, fearing the unknown. he grabbed her hand and led her to his car.
and then he drove. and they sat in silence until the reached it. the spot. [over the years they had met here, time and time again. it was no place special, in fact it was nothing more than a public park… but they had memories here.] they both got out of the car and started to walk along the bike-path, as they always had. finally. he spoke.
“I’m leaving...”
there was a slight pause and deep sigh before she replied. “I know…”
they kept walking. [they had both known this day was going to come. they had known it for years. ever since he had decided to join the military. back when they were barely friends he had told her what he wanted to do with his life. at the time she had respected it and gave him congratulations in being so certain of his future. little did she know, little did they both know, how close they would become.]
“I don’t know what to say…” he whispered.
she didn’t know either. she had not been prepared to do this tonight. she had not thought about what to say, yet she didn’t know if any words were the right ones. she didn’t want to say good-bye to him… couldn’t say good-bye to him. he had become a part of her life she could count on… a friend who would always be there no matter how long it had been since they had last talked. he had always been there for her and now he was asking her to let him go. it was too much to ask and as the thoughts and memories ran through her head tears began to form at the corners of her eyes. she stopped walking and looked at him.
as he saw her tears more memories came flooding back to him of all the times she had cried. all the times he had held her… told her it was going to be okay. oh how beautiful she looked when she cried. and now… here they were again. but this time he couldn’t tell her it was going to be okay. he couldn’t give her a solution. he couldn’t offer her words of advice. this time they were both in the same boat and they were both completely miserable.
he did the only thing he could do. he took her into his arms and as he did he could hear her sobbing, feel her tears sink into his shirt and then tears began to fall from his own eyes. he had never thought what had started as an accquantaince through a mutual friend would turn into such a good friendship together. he regretted not hanging out with her more. [having different lives they had had a hard time getting together on a regular basis and a lot of times would go months without seeing each other. they had talked often… but it had never been quite what they wanted. but it was the best they could do and they had worked it out.] now he wished he had set aside all his prior obligations and had made it a priority to see her. little did he know the same thoughts were going through her head...
and so they sit there. in a park. holding on to the last moments they will probably ever share together. [a couple. long-time friends. family members. people who have been touched by another and are being asked to let go.] no, it is not easy. but…life does not give us what we want. on the contrary it often forces us to accept things we can hardly comprehend.
friends leave… after years of memories, of good times and bad, of sharing the laughter and the pain… they walk out of our lives for some reason or the next and leave behind footprints in our hearts.
people die… a plan in which only God can understand, sometimes we are asked to say good-bye to people before we are ready, before we think they are ready… but he knows, and he has a reason.
and then he drove. and they sat in silence until the reached it. the spot. [over the years they had met here, time and time again. it was no place special, in fact it was nothing more than a public park… but they had memories here.] they both got out of the car and started to walk along the bike-path, as they always had. finally. he spoke.
“I’m leaving...”
there was a slight pause and deep sigh before she replied. “I know…”
they kept walking. [they had both known this day was going to come. they had known it for years. ever since he had decided to join the military. back when they were barely friends he had told her what he wanted to do with his life. at the time she had respected it and gave him congratulations in being so certain of his future. little did she know, little did they both know, how close they would become.]
“I don’t know what to say…” he whispered.
she didn’t know either. she had not been prepared to do this tonight. she had not thought about what to say, yet she didn’t know if any words were the right ones. she didn’t want to say good-bye to him… couldn’t say good-bye to him. he had become a part of her life she could count on… a friend who would always be there no matter how long it had been since they had last talked. he had always been there for her and now he was asking her to let him go. it was too much to ask and as the thoughts and memories ran through her head tears began to form at the corners of her eyes. she stopped walking and looked at him.
as he saw her tears more memories came flooding back to him of all the times she had cried. all the times he had held her… told her it was going to be okay. oh how beautiful she looked when she cried. and now… here they were again. but this time he couldn’t tell her it was going to be okay. he couldn’t give her a solution. he couldn’t offer her words of advice. this time they were both in the same boat and they were both completely miserable.
he did the only thing he could do. he took her into his arms and as he did he could hear her sobbing, feel her tears sink into his shirt and then tears began to fall from his own eyes. he had never thought what had started as an accquantaince through a mutual friend would turn into such a good friendship together. he regretted not hanging out with her more. [having different lives they had had a hard time getting together on a regular basis and a lot of times would go months without seeing each other. they had talked often… but it had never been quite what they wanted. but it was the best they could do and they had worked it out.] now he wished he had set aside all his prior obligations and had made it a priority to see her. little did he know the same thoughts were going through her head...
and so they sit there. in a park. holding on to the last moments they will probably ever share together. [a couple. long-time friends. family members. people who have been touched by another and are being asked to let go.] no, it is not easy. but…life does not give us what we want. on the contrary it often forces us to accept things we can hardly comprehend.
friends leave… after years of memories, of good times and bad, of sharing the laughter and the pain… they walk out of our lives for some reason or the next and leave behind footprints in our hearts.
people die… a plan in which only God can understand, sometimes we are asked to say good-bye to people before we are ready, before we think they are ready… but he knows, and he has a reason.
life is full of introductions and good-byes. of happy beginnings and bittersweet endings. a “hello” is the start of brand new memories, and new experiences. a “good-bye” simply says thank you for everything and the times we will never forget. we can avoid neither… nor do we want to. it’s a cycle that shapes who we are… and who we’re going to become.
January 31, 2007
pouring teardrops
It had been a beautiful day: she had smiled, she had laughed, she had felt happy. The air outside was warm and the wind lightly kissed her face as she walked in the park. She ventured slowly, with no destination in mind, and no time frame to get there. She was simply enjoying life... taking in the beauty of all that surrounded her.
Trees swayed gently, their leaves moving as if whispering a message. She did not speak, listening to hear something of value... in hopes that perhaps the purpose of her life would suddenly become evident to her through the swaying branches, the light breeze, the cement sidewalk, and the people around her. No such answer came, but she remained content and care-free. Today, in her mind, she was okay. Today... she was refusing to let anything bother her.
She chose to fill her mind with thoughts of hope. Things that brought a smile to her face, or at least left her feeling touched with a level of comfort. The sun shone on her shoulder and she was warm. Not only in a physical sense but also in her emotions. Today she had realized how lucky she was. It had become clear to her that if needed, she could call a number of people who would be there for her in an instant. She was loved. And that made her feel amazingly secure.
She continued to walk... oblivious to the clouds that were beginning to appear in the sky. She started to feel a slight chill but brushed it aside. Yet soon the sudden change in the weather was undeniable. There was no hiding from it. The clouds hide the sun completely from view... so far away that someone just arriving to the area would highly doubt it had been out at all that day. Slowly raindrops began to fall from the sky. At first they were scattered and sparce and then... triggered by a bolt of lightning. It began to pour.
How beautiful the day had been was suddenly dissapearing... as the tears poured off of her cheeks with no sign of stopping. The storm was back, and there was no shelter nearby. No friendly shoulder to cry on. The care-free feeling of being alone suddenly became her nightmare. And yet, the feeling was not un-familiar.
It always happened like this... the day always starts without a care. It is new and nothing has disturbed the peace it provides. One chooses what to do with that peace... it can be embraced or it can be tossed to the side until another day. However, be aware: gathering up that ray of hope is not the hard part of the day. That comes later on. Later, as the stresses of the day pile up and the sky begins to darken. And sometimes... its going to rain. Sometimes... its going to pour. And all you can do is stand there, soaking wet, and take comfort in knowing... no one can see your tears.
[inspired by the quote "we were staring at the stars and we heard a clap of thunder..then the moon gave way to rain and it tore apart the sky..so we lay flat on our backs cause in the rain no one knows you're crying."]
Trees swayed gently, their leaves moving as if whispering a message. She did not speak, listening to hear something of value... in hopes that perhaps the purpose of her life would suddenly become evident to her through the swaying branches, the light breeze, the cement sidewalk, and the people around her. No such answer came, but she remained content and care-free. Today, in her mind, she was okay. Today... she was refusing to let anything bother her.
She chose to fill her mind with thoughts of hope. Things that brought a smile to her face, or at least left her feeling touched with a level of comfort. The sun shone on her shoulder and she was warm. Not only in a physical sense but also in her emotions. Today she had realized how lucky she was. It had become clear to her that if needed, she could call a number of people who would be there for her in an instant. She was loved. And that made her feel amazingly secure.
She continued to walk... oblivious to the clouds that were beginning to appear in the sky. She started to feel a slight chill but brushed it aside. Yet soon the sudden change in the weather was undeniable. There was no hiding from it. The clouds hide the sun completely from view... so far away that someone just arriving to the area would highly doubt it had been out at all that day. Slowly raindrops began to fall from the sky. At first they were scattered and sparce and then... triggered by a bolt of lightning. It began to pour.
How beautiful the day had been was suddenly dissapearing... as the tears poured off of her cheeks with no sign of stopping. The storm was back, and there was no shelter nearby. No friendly shoulder to cry on. The care-free feeling of being alone suddenly became her nightmare. And yet, the feeling was not un-familiar.
It always happened like this... the day always starts without a care. It is new and nothing has disturbed the peace it provides. One chooses what to do with that peace... it can be embraced or it can be tossed to the side until another day. However, be aware: gathering up that ray of hope is not the hard part of the day. That comes later on. Later, as the stresses of the day pile up and the sky begins to darken. And sometimes... its going to rain. Sometimes... its going to pour. And all you can do is stand there, soaking wet, and take comfort in knowing... no one can see your tears.
[inspired by the quote "we were staring at the stars and we heard a clap of thunder..then the moon gave way to rain and it tore apart the sky..so we lay flat on our backs cause in the rain no one knows you're crying."]
Jesus Loves ME
As believers in Christ, we are called to be disciples to those around us... being examples for Jesus, being a light in the world, clearly displaying our faith for all to see. We are to live life fully for God, serving and living for Him... in everything we do. We are to live only for Him. As much as you want to be able to serve God during times A, B, and C and do what you want to do during all the other times... it doesn't work like that. You cannot serve two masters. We hear these words and we nod and say, "Ya I know that." "That makes perfect sense"... "of course."
Yet do we really live those words??
I guess I've been really struggling with that lately. (among other things) All of this "stuff" in my life has been suffocating me and in the midst of it all is the question... "Am I truly serving God??" I could sit and pretend I don't know the answer... but in actuality: I do... without hesitation. And lately that answer has been bringing to my knees... crying out to Him, praying, quesitoning how my life has gotten to this point.
The answer... is No.
I have let a lot of garbage get into my life lately so that I can't fully and completely serve God with all of my heart. Theres this barrier between us... and I can jump to see above it all I want... but until I surrender all that"stuff" over to God... its never going to go away. Sure, I can repent whole-heartedly and the barrier can come down... but the second I decide to bring all that junk back in (the past mistakes, questioning my worth, the drinking, all the guy stuff, everything...): the barrier is back up again.
Everyone has ... "stuff."
We wouldn't be human if we didn't. The real test comes in what we choose to do with that "stuff." Do we surrender it over to God (giving it up to Him and giving up control)? Or do we hold onto it like a moldy security blanket (clearly ready to be thrown away, filthy and no longer clean... but still somehow appealing and so we refuse to put it down)? Its not an easy thing, even if it should be. I know in my heart God is the only one who can be in control of my life, the only one I can trust in completely, the only one I can truly place my burdens upon... yet theres this fear of letting Him do all those things. Sometimes its so unfathomable how much He loves me... and I have a hard time believing it, especially after all the mistakes I've made (and continue to make). Yet I know He does. And that in itself makes me break down.
Can you believe that God loves you no matter what... No matter how much you screw up, how unworthy you feel, and all the times you've broken His heart... He forgives you for it all. ALL OF IT. I think that is the most amazing thing ever.
Jesus loves me this I know...
Because He shows me everday...
I am weak
He is strong.
He is the only one to live for.
Yet do we really live those words??
I guess I've been really struggling with that lately. (among other things) All of this "stuff" in my life has been suffocating me and in the midst of it all is the question... "Am I truly serving God??" I could sit and pretend I don't know the answer... but in actuality: I do... without hesitation. And lately that answer has been bringing to my knees... crying out to Him, praying, quesitoning how my life has gotten to this point.
The answer... is No.
I have let a lot of garbage get into my life lately so that I can't fully and completely serve God with all of my heart. Theres this barrier between us... and I can jump to see above it all I want... but until I surrender all that"stuff" over to God... its never going to go away. Sure, I can repent whole-heartedly and the barrier can come down... but the second I decide to bring all that junk back in (the past mistakes, questioning my worth, the drinking, all the guy stuff, everything...): the barrier is back up again.
Everyone has ... "stuff."
We wouldn't be human if we didn't. The real test comes in what we choose to do with that "stuff." Do we surrender it over to God (giving it up to Him and giving up control)? Or do we hold onto it like a moldy security blanket (clearly ready to be thrown away, filthy and no longer clean... but still somehow appealing and so we refuse to put it down)? Its not an easy thing, even if it should be. I know in my heart God is the only one who can be in control of my life, the only one I can trust in completely, the only one I can truly place my burdens upon... yet theres this fear of letting Him do all those things. Sometimes its so unfathomable how much He loves me... and I have a hard time believing it, especially after all the mistakes I've made (and continue to make). Yet I know He does. And that in itself makes me break down.
Can you believe that God loves you no matter what... No matter how much you screw up, how unworthy you feel, and all the times you've broken His heart... He forgives you for it all. ALL OF IT. I think that is the most amazing thing ever.
Jesus loves me this I know...
Because He shows me everday...
I am weak
He is strong.
He is the only one to live for.
January 25, 2007
she will be loved
every morning is a new day. and almost every morning she barely can get out of bed. whether its due to a lack of sleep, or simply having no motivation... she dreads leaving her bed. crawling out from under the covers and losing her comfort, her safety. she pulls herself together and somehow she arrives at school. the hallways are always the same. every day there is a huge distance between her and her locker. she takes a deep breath and ventures down. sometimes she walks tall and confidently... ready to smile. ready to start the day. other days, she barely makes it. not wanting to walk past the same group of kids that are always there in fear that they will notice... they'll see she's not okay. she has to be okay. she has to be strong. for herself and for everyone around her. usually she succeeds. if she doesn't, she blames it on the lack of sleep. or makes up some excuse that is mostly believable. school is not the place to break down. and so she never does. she's a normal girl you would say. with normal friends. normal classes. normal every day problems. but she's unique too. she thinks a lot. and contemplates all of her feelings. sometimes she focuses on all the bad things... and then she does something few understand. she writes about. in some form or another, in some place or another... she lets it all out. its her outlet. some people let it out on a punching bag. others on their friends. she punches the paper with words, channeling the hurt into something that is meaningful. yes she is normal. but she's not as strong as she wants to believe. in fact she's rather delicate and her guard falls easily if hit by the right (or the wrong) thing. don't judge her because she cries more than some. at times she's going to break down. it happens. ask her the last time she's cried? chances are it hasn't been very long. and chances are someone has witnessed it. if she trusts you... she'll let you in (to an extent). all you have to do is love her... show her that you care.
for after all: thats all anyone really wants, to be loved. to have a support system of people that you can lean on no matter what happens. no matter what mistakes you make. no matter what you're going through. love is more than just a word. its the way you act towards people. its the way you make them realize... they mean something to you. they're important. without them... things would just not be the same. everyone needs to have that feeling. everyone needs that. we can't do it all alone... we can try. but you're going to fail miserably. you have to lean on God. there is no other way to make it. and after that, you need friends to help you along the way. yes, to feel loved... to be loved. is a feeling/comfort that can never be replaced.
i am so incredibly thankful for all the people God has placed into my life... at times when i feel completely lost are the times it seems like someone is there. it makes me feel so priveleged that that feeling alone makes me cry at times. i'm not sure i deserve such great friends. and yet... there they are. for what reasons i don't know. but i am so glad i have them. i honestly, truthfully, with all of my heart... do not know what i would do without them. God is good. and its amazing to see His love through the people He has placed around you. i feel truly blessed...
for after all: thats all anyone really wants, to be loved. to have a support system of people that you can lean on no matter what happens. no matter what mistakes you make. no matter what you're going through. love is more than just a word. its the way you act towards people. its the way you make them realize... they mean something to you. they're important. without them... things would just not be the same. everyone needs to have that feeling. everyone needs that. we can't do it all alone... we can try. but you're going to fail miserably. you have to lean on God. there is no other way to make it. and after that, you need friends to help you along the way. yes, to feel loved... to be loved. is a feeling/comfort that can never be replaced.
i am so incredibly thankful for all the people God has placed into my life... at times when i feel completely lost are the times it seems like someone is there. it makes me feel so priveleged that that feeling alone makes me cry at times. i'm not sure i deserve such great friends. and yet... there they are. for what reasons i don't know. but i am so glad i have them. i honestly, truthfully, with all of my heart... do not know what i would do without them. God is good. and its amazing to see His love through the people He has placed around you. i feel truly blessed...
January 23, 2007
blink of death
it is scary how things can change in the blink of an eye. you don't even realize the possibilities until suddenly, one of them becomes reality. and suddenly people's lives are turned upside down, confusion grows, tears fall... and at the center of all these emotions - a life is gone. there are no words to describe how deep the pain can be for some. [barely grazing the tip of the iceberg do i write these words.] it raises so many questions. and so many feelings. and with that, a little hope is lost. people go through life looking for those who are making it, those who "have it all", just to keep a little hope that its possible. its possible to go through life with a smile on your face, and enjoy it. so what does that say to those people when suddenly somebody doesn't make it?? makes the choice not to try anymore. what kind of hope does that leave? everything happens for a reason... God has a reason for everything... but at times such as these its so incredibly difficult to see what that reason is. if He really is a God of love... then why let such a young life be lost. it just doesn't seem right. but how can we even began to understand how God expresses His love, and how He has a plan for each and everyone of us? we can't... and its frustrating. in the real world people are taught: if you have a problem, you search for an answer. well guess what? there isn't always an answer. and thats just something that has to be accepted... no matter how hard that is. life can change in the blink of an eye, and most of the time you're not going to understand why it happens. all you can do is put your trust in God and know... He has a reason. He loves everyone. He created everyone. He knew the day of your death before you were even born... and when its time for someone to leave this earth... He had a reason for that too. faith is a hard thing to keep at times like these, but in the same breath you realize... its the only thing that can really keep you alive.
January 21, 2007
change.
she's not the same girl anymore. she's changed. hanging out with her is like hanging out with a new person... a stranger even. she's changed and its sad. she's making decisions she swore she would never make. doing things that are hard to believe are true. she's different. the girl she once was is no longer... if she's there, she's hidden by layers of new choices and feelings that can't be understood.
people change. change can be a good thing. for some, change is what they need. for others it can spell disaster. change happens because of choices that are made. decisions that force people to go in one direction or the other. right or left. yes or no. good or bad. everyone changes. people that were once the closest friends turn into strangers in the hallways. theres nothing that can stop it. no matter how much the process wants to be stalled, it can't be. people have to change. the world would never go anywhere if everyone stayed the same. there would be no maturing. no learning. no mistakes. nothing new... everyone changes. its one of those things in life that is just accepted. in order to grow up, a person has to change. sometimes it's a scary process. sometimes its hard. sometimes... its really lonely. but it happens. and life goes on. yes, maybe friends are lost. feelings hurt. battles lost. but change shapes the world. without change... we might just cease to exist.
people change. change can be a good thing. for some, change is what they need. for others it can spell disaster. change happens because of choices that are made. decisions that force people to go in one direction or the other. right or left. yes or no. good or bad. everyone changes. people that were once the closest friends turn into strangers in the hallways. theres nothing that can stop it. no matter how much the process wants to be stalled, it can't be. people have to change. the world would never go anywhere if everyone stayed the same. there would be no maturing. no learning. no mistakes. nothing new... everyone changes. its one of those things in life that is just accepted. in order to grow up, a person has to change. sometimes it's a scary process. sometimes its hard. sometimes... its really lonely. but it happens. and life goes on. yes, maybe friends are lost. feelings hurt. battles lost. but change shapes the world. without change... we might just cease to exist.
January 20, 2007
unanswered questions
there comes a time in a person's life when all of sudden there is this huge thing called a future looming in front of you... containing all these questions that are forcing you to come up with answers. no matter how valid they are. i have reached that point in my life and i'm telling you its not as liberating as it appears it would be. i am absolutely and positively scared to death. i'm sure that for some people this is not the case... in fact i know its not. because there are people who have known what they wanted to do with their lives since like second grade and the whole hard part for them has been waiting this long to get there. me on the other hand... i have no frickin clue. i have no idea where i want to go to college and absolutely no clue what i want to be "when i grow up." i put that in quotations because it is simply that... a quote. personally i feel like i've had to grow up a lot lately. especially this year. i won't go into the details as to why i feel this way... but i have become a lot more independent and responsible for all the things that go on in my life. no longer do i rely on other people... because i've learned that there are many times you are going to be let down, and on the other side of that not always is someone going to be around to help you through it. growing up has a lot to do with accepting your choices, learning on your own, and moving on. so yes, i feel grown up in a lot of ways... however i am still being labled as one of those kids who has an "undecided future." let me tell you. if i knew what i wanted to do with the rest of my life, i'd be working towards that goal with extreme dedication. problem is i don't. and its so incredibly frustrating that i have a hard time handling it. and on top of my own stress over the issue, theres the pressure of my parents for me to "decide" and "figure it out." along with that are my friends who have all their plans made... and here i sit. the girl who can't decide. honestly i don't think its entirely a bad thing. i just wish i didn't feel like i had to make this quick decision just because its the next step in life. what if i make the wrong one?? the future is scary. i'm ready to move on, i just wish i knew... where to???
January 18, 2007
non-existant
eyes threatening to close. daring sleep to come. at times that are not appropriate. there is a time for everything. the body with the mind doesn't seem to understand. sleep is for the night.
so rest your eyes today. for another sleepless night is ahead. without explanation. sleep does not come.so escape your thoughts today. for you know they will be back at full force. right when you want it to stop.so smile many times today. the tears will once again replace it. clouding your eyes and leaving only drops upon your lips. so help someone today. for soon your mind will be so stressed you will not even be able to help yourself. so listen to cheerful music today. enjoy the happiness it brings and laugh. somber willed notes will soon again reach your ears.
the cycle never ends. close to happy days. smiling faces. moments of laughter. sunny skies. joyful thoughts. and then the night. tear-stained cheeks. endless thoughts. confusing. questioning. stinging. tired eyes. yet sleep will not. can not. come.
soon it will all be over.
one day. someday. this will end.
it must.
so rest your eyes today. for another sleepless night is ahead. without explanation. sleep does not come.so escape your thoughts today. for you know they will be back at full force. right when you want it to stop.so smile many times today. the tears will once again replace it. clouding your eyes and leaving only drops upon your lips. so help someone today. for soon your mind will be so stressed you will not even be able to help yourself. so listen to cheerful music today. enjoy the happiness it brings and laugh. somber willed notes will soon again reach your ears.
the cycle never ends. close to happy days. smiling faces. moments of laughter. sunny skies. joyful thoughts. and then the night. tear-stained cheeks. endless thoughts. confusing. questioning. stinging. tired eyes. yet sleep will not. can not. come.
soon it will all be over.
one day. someday. this will end.
it must.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
