anybody

how do we reach the point of no return?
to that place that feels like every decision is wrong. the point where it seems people stop caring and you're left alone. where we can't even find the voice we should be listening for because we've ignored it for so long. it feels like we're running but we look back and we're exactly where we started. lost. confused. searching. hoping. here i am again. i feel like i'm always in this spot. pathetically stuck. i always lose my composure. my control. and who is there?

is anybody out there hearing me ???

searching again

i think back to last year and i recognize the time in my life when i was closer to God, when I was making better decisions, when i had no desire to drink... no desire to just "hook-up" with guys... when i was actually trying to make my life what i wanted it to be. trying to be the person i liked being. when my freinds came along side of me and helped me along the way... holding me as i cried, encouraging me, lifting me up, loving me even when i screwed up. i was so close. so close to having an awesome relationship with God (i was getting there...) i could see it within my grasp... it was new, and the personal relationship was something i had never experienced, but i was starting to get it. i was happier. and then my world came crashing down, and i tried to hold on... but it was so hard... and i let go. i became silent. nothing mattered. i didn't care if i messed up. (i might have felt somewhat guilty knowing i was letting people down, letting myself down...) but it didn't matter anymore. nothing did. i'm not saying it was all bad. but the progress i had made decreased.

(idk if i'm making any sense right now but i'm trying to put the puzzle pieces together and its a little difficult, so i apologize if this is confusing. cuz its confusing to me as well... )

right now. i want to find my way back. and i don't know how to do that on my own.
i have a lot of faults. i'm very emotional. i let myself break down a lot... too much. (i don't know how to hold it together.) i care about what other people think. i have a hard time opening up to people when i know they don't see things the same way i do. (i feel like they're judging me). i lean on people to help me too much. way too much. (i apologize...sometimes i just feel so helpless and i don't know what else to do) i like to have fun. i still drink. i still make-out with guys who don't really matter. and i still beat myself up over it. funny huh? you know the things that make you upset, and make you feel worthless... and yet, you still do them. why? why do we do things that hurt us? temporary satifaction i think. we would rather have what we're looking for in the wrong way then not have it at all. lame. i have my moments. i have the times where i stand strong, and the times where i let my guard down. will i ever always be able to make the right choice? i would like to think so, but i can't make any promises. (been there. done that.) i let little things bother me. (like when someone doesn't call me back, or when a comment rubs me the wrong way)

i know what needs to change. but i'm unsure, or somewhat unwilling, to do it. i feel like there should be able to be a happy medium. honestly, drinking isn't really one of my personal convictions - its what i do when i drink that makes me dislike it at times. so what do i do? i love my friends that are close to me to death. but it bothers me that they're not on the same page i am on a lot of things. which leaves me in moments like this. in my room alone, crying out to God, searching my bible for something to help, singing to the worship songs on my computer... totally not a bad thing to happen, but i wish i could just be like; hey. i'm kinda struggling right now, i could really use some pray or some encouragement. but thats not how things are with them. and so i feel alone. today God kinda gave me something though.

Psalm 119 - (REALLY LONG) i think i'm gonna try doing one or two sections a day so i can get something out of it. so today verses 1 - 16. and this is what i got.

*5: i pray that my ways may become firmly established so that i can obey your laws
*7: i will give thanks to you as i learn your regulations
*9 -10: How can a young person keep his life pure? He can do it by holding on to your word, by wholeheartedly searching for you.

How can I keep my life pure?
- growing closer to God
- making the "right" choices (choices i am okay with, choices i will not regret)
- relying on HIM for help always (i will never be able to fully grasp why things happen - why my aunt died, why i get myself in certain situations, how i can live life the way i want to, how i can be the person i should be... without HIM)
- letting go of my past (pause - one more fault. i constantly re-think and get upset over things that have already happened, things i can't change.)

well idk how much progress this has caused me, but i feel a lot better, and lot more refreshed right now. i guess i just gotta keep holding on to God, and seraching for his promises to figure out what everything is all about.

cuz there's this great guy out there... whose name is Jesus. He loves me, and i'm a big fan of love. so i'd kinda like to get to know Him a lot better. i'm thinking it'll be one of those relationships that'll work out for me. and thats something i'm more than okay with.

what else is there?

i crash at the most unexpected times. i will be having a great time, and then like a flick of a switch all happiness is gone and its all i can do to keep from crying. will this ever stop happening to me? when does it get easier? i believe that time does not heal wounds. they will never be healed. perhaps they will be covered up... or hidden. or the hurt might subside for awhile, but they never heal. because when a wound heals it means you are as healthy as you were before... and that, will never be the case. it is more than a wound... it is a scar. a constant reminder of what used to be, and what will never be the same. i know i am complaining, and being selfish. in actuality i am glad that she is in a better place and that God's loving arms are wrapped around her. but then there are these days; and i want nothing more than to hear her voice and to feel her arms around me. i miss her more than i could have ever imagined... i want her back. so here i am again... wishing for the impossible. and trying to praise God through the rain. trying to continue to understand, Why? and realize that His will and timing is perfect. i have to keep saying it over and over again... otherwise all i do is get upset. its just the harder thing i have experienced. and sometimes... i suck at handling it. sorry. and i let little things bother me. things that make no difference to who i am, or what i stand for. yet it still bothers me. and then i feel pathetic and i have to keep it to myself, because telling someone would seem lame, especially when the only people i might consider telling have no idea what i'm going through. and where is my life heading? sometimes i think i can see it clearly, and then something happens and i have no clue what i'm doing, or where i'm going. maybe i'm going the wrong direction... i really am trying to stay on the right track... but sometimes, i just don't seem to make the right choices. i am setting myself up for failure and dissapointment? i don't know. i honestly don't know. all i know, is that right now... in this moment. i am hurting. and searching for something. i feel like those who really understood me and who helped me in the area i needed it most... are millions of miles away. and that they don't really care anymore. i know its different when people aren't around anymore, but sometimes i just wish i could get a text or a call saying: hey, i really just wanted to tell you how much you mean to me, and i just wanted to see if you were having a good day. i just want to know i still matter... even if i'm not there anymore.

does anybody here me? here i am Lord, trying and failing. walking down a path, falling, and getting back up. and all i need right now is a little help. anyone... just a word or two.

"she is running, a hundred miles an hour... in the wrong direction"

brand new pathway

tentative feet walk down brand new hallways. strange faces pass to the left and right. familiarity has gone out the window and a new exciting feeling has taken its place. no longer is the walk to class filled with familiar greetings. life has begun a new pathway and emotions are exhilarated.
the friends are not on the same page. that does not mean they are loved any less but comfortableness between them is weaker. being the only virgin in a group of friends makes a girl feel alone, worried, and a little pressured. is that all guys are going to expect from here on out? is there still hope someone worthwhile will cross the path or is this a long road alone?
questions without answers occupy the mind as the feet continue to keep moving towards its destination. yet where is that exactly? only time will tell and maybe gradually the sky will begin to be less cloudy. the rain still comes. the sunshine still leaves. and the wind still blows. weather is unpredictable. and so is this girl. the end of her pathway is far away... she's just trying to make it there. step by step. day by day. question after question.

things never happen the way we expect. things always change and the unexpected always occurs. the unknown is what keeps us going... because there is always that hope, that maybe, tomorrow... our dreams will come true.

me as a girl

i am not the girl who will come hook up with you at two o'clock in the morning. i am not here to be used only when you feel the need to have some fun. i am not easy. i do not just kiss any guy that feels he wants to kiss me at any moment. i do care. despite the fact that i have made mistakes in the past... i do value myself and the choices i make.
i am not the girl who doesn't care. i care a lot... if only people who give me a chance to listen.
i am not the girl who begs to have her heart broken time and time again. i do not have a sign on my head that says, please take my heart and step on it. thanks! yet my past would suggest otherwise and no one yet has wanted to break that stereotype... i'm still waiting.
i am not a huge partier. yes, i have drank on occasion... but that does not mean i am a bad person. that just means i am one way... while someone might be a different way. its not something that defines me, in fact i live perfectly great without it. but bottom line: if it happens... it happens. end of story. end of discussion.
i am the girl who doesn't even understand herself...
i have the ability to play things off like i am not surprised and take them as best i can. inside i may be screaming with anger and confusion... but i like to pretend i can stay calm. even if it ends up failing miserably in the end.
i cry a lot. over big things, over little things. for some people, there are very few who have seen them cry... for me. the numbers are large. if you know me somewhat well... i'm sure you have seen my tears.
i want to find that one guy. the one who knows how to calm me down. the one that makes me cry less. the one who loves me for me... past, present... and will always love me in the future. i want to be "the girl" to someone.
i pretend i don't care what people think... but inside i do sometimes.
i like to write forever. i write until i get it all out... no matter what time it is. no matter if i have to work 6 hours from now, and its the early hours of the morning. i have to let it out... or else sleep is pointless.
i'm like to be lazy every once in a while. stay in my pajamas all day and curl up with a good book and watch tv. drink some coffee and just do nothing.
yes... i am the girl who loves coffee. who, in fact more accurately, is addicted to coffee.
i am the girl who doesn't understand why friends hurt you. why they abandon you at times when you need them the most... and why they leave you to put together the pieces with no picture to follow.
i think to be a christian is to love people no matter where they're at. i know i don't always succeed at that aspect, but i for sure try really hard because i know how bad it hurts to have people walk away when you do something they don't understand.

i am just a girl
i have been hurt... time and time again. and it keeps coming.
i love to laugh. i love to spend time with my friends. i love feeling happy and content.
if you want to know who i am... just spend time with me. don't listen to what he said, or she said... because chances are its not entirely that way. the only way you get to know someone is by spending time with them...

i am just a girl. get to know me.

we will laugh together someday...

somewhere along the way i lost who i was and became someone i can't seem to find. after the words cancer left their lips and up until this very moment... i have been changing. funny thing is... i don't know how it happened. obviously i recognize the evident reasons... but i don't know who i am anymore. lately my car has become my refuge. or is that the right word? because it seems that whenever i start driving i feel the urge to cry. more often than not... i have been doing just that. the tears are not few, and the sobs that accompany them are not quiet. the tears seem to roll down my cheeks and i sob loudly. i cannot stop. it just happens. i keep playing over all the memories in my head. of everything i can possibly remember. sometimes i laugh, and smile. other times i just cry harder. and then... i ask you why? why God, would you take away someone who meant so much to everyone? why God, WHY! i dont' know how to explain it... but no matter how good i think i'm doing: i'm really not the same person anymore. i don't know who i am, and i don't know what to do. i am a girl. confused, hurt, and yet most of the time very happy. i have fun, i laugh, but lately... i just cry. i knew the tears would come again. i just don't know how to make them stop. i write. and i write. and i keep writing. i think this is a way of dealing with it.. but i don't know how much its helping. i just don't know.

forbidden

he sat next to her on the bench. there was just enough space between him that she could sense the warmth of his body next to hers... but they did not touch. it was a calm night. above them the stars appeared everywhere dotting the sky. the scent of summer and the warm breeze was evident and yet she was cold. despite the beautiful sight above her, she stared at her feet. waiting for him to say something... anything. he didn't. words were forming in her throat but she couldn't seem to say them. crickets sang in the background, and next to them the small stream hummed gently. after what seemed like an eternity he said it. her name softly coming off his lips. it was hushed and fragile. and then the words that followed came easier and with more strength, as if he had suddenly remembered what they were here about.
"this has to end. we both know it's time."
she remained silent, as she had since they arrived. she longed to say all that she was feeling, but the words were caught in her throat. and the ache in her heart told her that was she wanted would only make it harder.
"please say something to me. god only knows how much this hurts me... but i don't see any other option. it would really help if you would talk to me..."
the tears started to roll quietly down her cheeks. she held her hands together, careful that they were nowhere near his. her hair hung over her face and she hoped he didn't notice. soon though her tears became sobs and she couldn't take it anymore. she looked at him... his eyes too held tears and he reached for her. she laid her head on his shoulder and cried harder. his hand found her back and he began to rub it gently.
"i love you." he said softly and repeated again and again next to her ear. "i will never love anyone like i love you..."
trembling she lifted her head and found his lips. she kissed him with all she had... all her emotions behind it. and he kissed her back with just as much feeling, if not more. and then he looked at her.
"this will never be over will it? no matter how hard we try... god, i can never stop loving you."
she continued to cry. she knew this was going to continue to be the most amazing thing she had ever experienced... and the most painful.

JUNE 24th

(an entry from my journal...)

Psalm 36:5-7 O Lord, your mercy reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the skies, your righteousness is like the mountains of God, your judgements like the deep ocean. You save people and animals, O Lord. Your mercy is so precious, O God, that Adam's descendants take refuge in the shadow of your wings.

I don't know what I'm doing... or what I've been doing. My mind is once again a boggle of questions and I feel as if I lost the pieces that were holding me together. I feel I am sinking, weighed down by the abscence of them... my friends who were my support system, and her - the one person in my life I will never be the same without. I will never get used to this loss. I miss her like crazy and this is the first time I've wrote in here about it. I don't know what to say...

Her voice is slowly slipping from my mind and I know someday I wll no longer be able to hear her in my thoughts. I close my eyes and feel her hug me... and I don't want the memory to ever leave even as it grew weaker over the last months. Her hands and her body become more frail. Her eyes still held the same love but they were glazed by a sadness she tried so hard to hide. Her energy became less and less until I could barely stand it to sit there and see her barely breathing just sitting down. She slowly slipped away and I wish I could pull her back somehow. I miss her so much.

I don't even know where my life is going, and I wish she was here to talk to...
I'm so broken up right now about so many things and I feel so lost. I don't know how to describe this and I don't know how to get back on track.

All I know is that I'm hurting and I want it to stop...

honestly...

to anyone out there who cares...

when i created this blog i told myself that i could live my life without regrets. experience things good and bad, and just learn from them... not regret them. in all honesty, thats a lie. as much as i tell myself i don't regret anything in my past... i do.

i constantly wonder why i have never been "the girl" to the guys who really mattered. and why i seem to only attract the ones who are bad news. am i putting off the wrong vibe? i can't seem to attract the kind of guys i want to be around... and that scares me. i'm going off to college soon and more than a new experience, and new people i keep thinking that i have to be the type of person who is going to attract the right kind of people. if i party at all... am i going to meet a guy who parties and isn't a christian?? and how do i meet those christian guys in an environment full of wordly people and wordly temptations?? how do i find the right connections??? its stressing me out...

i accept the mistakes i have made with guys. but when i sit back and look at it as the whole picture i think geez... what was i thinking? long story short: i've kissed too many people. you don't realize until its too late that those kisses mean something. thats a part of you that you can never get back. and they should be saved for someone special... gosh i hope i find them.

okay. i know i'm just going through a pity party right now. sorry guys... i just had to do it. i've seriously not been happy lately and i've been tearing apart absolutely everything i can think to try and find SOMETHING. try to find me... and who i want to be. and the only way i can do that is by going back and remembering all the pieces of my past. (good or bad)

okay maybe i do regret. maybe i don't. bottom line: i never forget the stuff that has shaped who i am... and sometimes i can't help but think what would have happened if i would have done something differently....

i have three track pictures.
freshman year: black fingernail polish (the only way i ever expressed how i was feeling. i never went out of control.... all black. completely emo. but in a small way i was saying... hey guys. i'm depressed. help me please.)
sophomore year: white fingernail polish (i wasn't really sure what i wanted, but i wanted to appear care-free and happy so i did things a little differently. idk...)
junior year: french manicure lol...

see what i mean. things change. and sometimes you just look back and think geez... what the heck?? lol.

this was kind of pointless but i feel a little better. tell me what you think.... if you wanna.

this road...

if you want to get away... the road doesn't have to end. it can keep on going, and going... as far away as you wish. just keep driving. stop when you feel safe. until then... keep driving. drive and let the tears fall. with eyes hidden behind big sunglasses, no one willl ever notice...

its hard to find a safe place when you don't have anywhere to go. i am so lost and confused lately. and more than anything i'm hurting. i go through the days... and i smile. but inside i feel like i'm dying. i don't know where to turn. the people i once thought to be my support system and my encouragement now appear to me as strangers who don't seem interested in spending time with me... and the people i want to spend time with, don't seem to have the time for me....

i miss my auntie karen. today there was a notebook on the kitchen table... and being the nosy person that i am, i opened it. it was my mom's journal and i flipped to a page about HER. i read it and i just started crying. thats all i do lately. it doesn't matter what i'm doing, where i'm going, how i think i'm feeling. i just cry. yesterday my mom asked me to meet my dad to get new tires on my car... i walked out of the house and started bawling. i can't help it. i'm hurting so bad and i feel like i have no where to turn. no one to hear my cry.

God, what am i suppossed to do??? this isn't getting any easier. i seem to have lost sight of things i once held close in my life and i don't know how to get back. i'm on this road, all by myself... and i don't know which way to turn.

i need direction... i need help...

the end of a long chapter

it is something you think about for years, something you think will never come...
graduating from high school. and then one day, its within your sight and suddenly there is a mix of emotions. the excitement and anticipation you've felt for so long is now mixed with sadness and moments you will never have again.

things are about to change. my life will never be the same. i will never walk down the halls of my high school again, seeing familiar faces, and faces i've seen time and time again but don't really know. the classrooms i've been in for the last four years, the teachers i've gotten to know... will no longer be a part of my daily routine. the parties on the weekends with the people i've known for years... and those i just started to talk to will be soon gone. we will never again have a "senior party" with all of our closest friends.

its just weird. i'm so excited to go to college. to be rid of the high school bullshit and the drama. to be able to meet new people and have some control over who i want to see on a daily basis. to start a new experience and continue to grow up and become my own person. but its just one of those bittersweet experiences that is hard to explain, and hard to decipher how i feel about it. i'm very happy and sad at the same time and its just so stressful!!

well we'll see what the future brings... hopefully its good. :)

confusion

there are so many thoughts going through my head all the time... i don't know what to do with them, how to sort them out. its unbelievable how quickly my mood can change. i can be smiling, doing fine, and the next moment i feel like i'm going to start crying without the ability to stop. i know grieving is suppossed to be difficult and confusing, but sometimes its so much to handle. i never know when its going to hit me... what small thing will hit the wrong chord. it can be something as simple as a phrase, or a beautiful as a song. when i let my mind wander, it often goes to that place... and i fight it off. if i have control over it, i don't think about it. its too hard, and the amount of stress and strength it takes out of me is sometimes too much to bear.
i apologize for taking it out on the people around me... i know they don't deserve my wrath, and that my mood swings are sometimes not fun to deal with. but sometimes i just can't help it, and for that i'm sorry. this is the hardest thing i have ever gone through and how i'm suppossed to deal with it is still a mystery to me. my life is no longer the same... because of that and so many other things and the monstrous changes that have taken place lately are overwhelming.

i hope someday this gets a little easier.

because right now... this sucks.