"Grief comes in its own time for everyone, in its own way. So the best we can do, the best anyone can do, is try for honesty. The really crappy thing, the worst part of grief, is that you can't control it. The best we can do is try to let ourselves feel it when it comes, and let it go when you can. The very worst part, is the minute you think you're past it, it starts all over again. And always, every time, it takes your breath away..." - Grey's Anatomy [9.24.09]
It tears apart the pieces of my sanity when I least expect. Hearing an old song on the radio. Driving down the street. Sitting in my apartment, eating a piece of potato bread. Something as simple as buying tea at the grocery store. Sometimes it still strikes me - the sudden desire to pick up the phone and call, tell her how my day went. Tell her about my new school. About my new friends. And then realizing I can't. Because she is gone.
Other members of my family write me. Ask me how life is. How I'm doing. Tell me that they love me and are thinking of me. And still there is a hole, an absence where she should be. Cards that will never be sent, phone calls that I will never recieve. The encouraging words I wish I could still hear no longer a plausible option. My future is devoid of her presence, and as the days pass and as the months have turned into years, sometimes it still breaks me down as powerfully as before.
I sit down to watch a movie on a Sunday night, and I think of her. How much she loved the Hallmark channel on Sunday nights, always waiting to tell me what movie was going to be on. How I used to join her from time to time, and she would pop a huge batch of popcorn and put it into the old brown wooden bowl. My mom had bought her a new popper one year, but she still swore that the old one popped the best. And we would top it with more butter and salt than was probably within the healthy quota... and we would enjoy it to the last kernel.
I still have those moments. This summer I went to the Doctor for the first time in a couple years, and was given the same boring paperwork. "Just make corrections if anything has changed." Unsuspecting I leafed through the sheet, relatively standard... a checkmark here or there but nothing out of the ordinary. No life altering changes to document. Or at least that is until the last page. Emergency contact information. In case my parents happened to be occupied, who should they contact? Well there she was. Name. Phone Number. Address. I wanted to leave it like that. Like a piece of her that would forever remain. For what were the chances of them ever needing an emergency contact, my parents were always around... Its like one of those moments where you want to pretend nothing has changed. In your mind you're telling yourself leave it, but you know you can't. And so I drew one solitary line through her name. One line. No longer valid. She is gone.
I love thinking of the happy times. The memories. The years shared. The ways in which she forever changed who I am. Even if it moves me to tears. Even if it causes to me to break down after exiting the post office, simply because I just sent a card to another Aunt and not to her. Even if it forces me to think back on those moments towards the end... the face forever engrained into my brain as one that was not her own.
Thats the problem with cancer - it changes a person. It transforms them before you even know what is happening. Takes away the strength. The delicate lines become harsh and pale. Weak and barely breathing, the person is half of who you want to remember. This is not them. But it is a picture that you will never forget. That I will never forget. Cancer took away my beloved Aunt Karen. Took her away from a family that loved her unconditionally, a husband who loved her unconditionallly. Children. Brothers. Sisters. Parents. Nieces. Nephews. Friends. It gets easier sure. As time passes the pain surfaces less often. But when it does, its as real as if it happened yesterday. I miss her. I miss her everday. And its true, every time that grief hits me, it takes my breath away...
October 05, 2009
October 03, 2009
sweet relief.
can i just say, i love church. it seriously just makes my day... maybe its just recently, maybe the feeling will fade (i hope not), but recently i have really just felt challenged in church. and more than that, i have been dealing with things lately that i believe have been seperating me from being completely consumed with God. its hard to have an open and honest relationship with God when you're not being honest with yourself. if there are unresolved issues that you're not facing... that is going to seperate you from God. if you're refusing to forgive someone, or yourself... that is going to seperate you from God. if you're allowing things to be the center of your life that don't glorify God... yep, you guessed it, those things are going to seperate you from God. we're all guilty of doing it. because we're human. and things bother us. we are prideful and we have a hard time letting go. and we make mistakes. we are never going to be perfect. but it boils down to this - you have to be honest with God about your choices. about your hurt. about how you feel. its okay to feel angry, its okay to be upset, its okay to be confused, unsure, or hesitant. but you have to lay all those feelings before the Cross. you have to give them to God. because otherwise those feelings are just going to stay there... and nothing is going to come from it.
the message tonight was on forgiveness. pretty basic topic, right? i think i was taught how to forgive when i was very little... you know. someone takes a toy from you while you're playing and suddenly there is a dispute, but then its "i'm sorry." and "i forgive you." and everything is better again. well, as you grow up and situations become more complicated you realize there more beneath the surface, more that is contained in the undertones of those phrases... and sometimes we don't get an "i'm sorry". we don't get an apology. we don't get a recognition that we've been hurt. sometimes the people who hurt us are unaware of the damage they've done, or rather, don't care, or are too prideful to admit they were wrong. (yep, there comes that pride thing again... its a killer isn't it?) and when they happens we have the tendency to harbor those feelings. and inside this hate builds up. this anger. this desire to stay upset. and the only person that those feelings are hurting is ourselves...
one of the many things tonight that got to me was this:: "Jesus cancelled our debts, and forgave all of our sins... but when we don't forgive the people who have hurt us, we are putting ourself back into the bonds of sin. Forgiveness is not optional. If you want to experience God's forgiveness, you have to forgive." wow right? we have been given this free gift. God has said - "I love you, so I'm going to erase all the debt. I forgive you." and still we harbor this feelings of resentment, or hurt, towards other people because we are unwilling to forgive. more than that, for me, i think i just don't want to deal with things a lot of the time. its easier for me to just pretend to forget about things instead of facing how much they have affected me. how hurt i've been. i'm not going to go into specifics, but sitting there tonight i just felt a weight being lifted off my shoulders. in regards to something i have been dealing with for a long time, i finally was able to release some of that... to acknowledge all that pain. all that disspointment. all that hurt. all that embarassment. acknowledge it and let it go. and that doesn't mean i'm done dealing with it, but the key is to choose to forgive, over and over and over again. no matter how many times it takes.
God loves me. i know that. and in moments like these, when He speaks directly to my heart, i know that even more. He forgives me. He has given me a clean slate, again and again. He loves you too. and He has done the same for you. He is waiting for you to let Him in, deeper than you want. He's not a surface-level friend. He knows our heart, He knows our every thought, He knows our joys, and He knows our weaknesses. But its more than Him knowing, its telling Him. Its sharing. Its allowing Him to fill us. to be our most amazing friend, the One who will never hurt us. or cause us pain. :)
the message tonight was on forgiveness. pretty basic topic, right? i think i was taught how to forgive when i was very little... you know. someone takes a toy from you while you're playing and suddenly there is a dispute, but then its "i'm sorry." and "i forgive you." and everything is better again. well, as you grow up and situations become more complicated you realize there more beneath the surface, more that is contained in the undertones of those phrases... and sometimes we don't get an "i'm sorry". we don't get an apology. we don't get a recognition that we've been hurt. sometimes the people who hurt us are unaware of the damage they've done, or rather, don't care, or are too prideful to admit they were wrong. (yep, there comes that pride thing again... its a killer isn't it?) and when they happens we have the tendency to harbor those feelings. and inside this hate builds up. this anger. this desire to stay upset. and the only person that those feelings are hurting is ourselves...
one of the many things tonight that got to me was this:: "Jesus cancelled our debts, and forgave all of our sins... but when we don't forgive the people who have hurt us, we are putting ourself back into the bonds of sin. Forgiveness is not optional. If you want to experience God's forgiveness, you have to forgive." wow right? we have been given this free gift. God has said - "I love you, so I'm going to erase all the debt. I forgive you." and still we harbor this feelings of resentment, or hurt, towards other people because we are unwilling to forgive. more than that, for me, i think i just don't want to deal with things a lot of the time. its easier for me to just pretend to forget about things instead of facing how much they have affected me. how hurt i've been. i'm not going to go into specifics, but sitting there tonight i just felt a weight being lifted off my shoulders. in regards to something i have been dealing with for a long time, i finally was able to release some of that... to acknowledge all that pain. all that disspointment. all that hurt. all that embarassment. acknowledge it and let it go. and that doesn't mean i'm done dealing with it, but the key is to choose to forgive, over and over and over again. no matter how many times it takes.
God loves me. i know that. and in moments like these, when He speaks directly to my heart, i know that even more. He forgives me. He has given me a clean slate, again and again. He loves you too. and He has done the same for you. He is waiting for you to let Him in, deeper than you want. He's not a surface-level friend. He knows our heart, He knows our every thought, He knows our joys, and He knows our weaknesses. But its more than Him knowing, its telling Him. Its sharing. Its allowing Him to fill us. to be our most amazing friend, the One who will never hurt us. or cause us pain. :)
September 22, 2009
we'll kill ourselves to find freedom.
take a breath.
take a deep breath.
close your eyes.
what do you see?
who do you see?
what does your heart say?
say it out loud.
say it again.
take a breath.
so often we hide from our deepest desires. we push them deep within us, so no one can see them. we push them so far away from the surface that even we begin to believe they aren't a part of us. that it isn't true. we convince ourselves that it isn't important, or that it isn't worth the risk, or that if we say it aloud - our world could change, it could fall apart. what are we afraid of? failure? embarassment? unreciprocated feelings? loss? what is stopping us from doing what we desire, from saying what we desire, from going where we want to go, and experiencing everything we hold inside of us. dreams should be more than dreams; they should be goals - they should come true. or in the very least, we should acquire the courage to try. to take that step.
so often we lose opportunities because of fear. because we're afraid of what might happen, of what we have to lose. isn't it better to try, and go as far as you can, before you just give up? we've all done it, we all think back on moments in our past, and wonder what might have been. if we had just done this, if we had just said this, if we had just stepped up - then our present would be so much different. you can't kill yourself over the "what-if's" but you can stop them from appearing in your future... life is too short. people say it every day, you never know when you're last day will be. and you hear it, and you realize that its true, but what do you do about it? we still go on living as if we can do it tomorrow. fix it tomorrow. try again, tomorrow. what about today? what about now. here. in this moment. don't push it aside. don't tell yourself it's not important. it is. you are important. your dreams are important. your feelings are important. what you want, it matters. don't let anyone tell you different. and don't let anyone stop you from chasing your dreams. i know that sounds cliche, but i'm serious. fear is the mind-killer.
so, take a deep breath. close your eyes. see life how you wish it was. and then take a step. take a risk. take a chance. you might fall flat on your face, but how will you know if you never try?
take a deep breath.
close your eyes.
what do you see?
who do you see?
what does your heart say?
say it out loud.
say it again.
take a breath.
so often we hide from our deepest desires. we push them deep within us, so no one can see them. we push them so far away from the surface that even we begin to believe they aren't a part of us. that it isn't true. we convince ourselves that it isn't important, or that it isn't worth the risk, or that if we say it aloud - our world could change, it could fall apart. what are we afraid of? failure? embarassment? unreciprocated feelings? loss? what is stopping us from doing what we desire, from saying what we desire, from going where we want to go, and experiencing everything we hold inside of us. dreams should be more than dreams; they should be goals - they should come true. or in the very least, we should acquire the courage to try. to take that step.
so often we lose opportunities because of fear. because we're afraid of what might happen, of what we have to lose. isn't it better to try, and go as far as you can, before you just give up? we've all done it, we all think back on moments in our past, and wonder what might have been. if we had just done this, if we had just said this, if we had just stepped up - then our present would be so much different. you can't kill yourself over the "what-if's" but you can stop them from appearing in your future... life is too short. people say it every day, you never know when you're last day will be. and you hear it, and you realize that its true, but what do you do about it? we still go on living as if we can do it tomorrow. fix it tomorrow. try again, tomorrow. what about today? what about now. here. in this moment. don't push it aside. don't tell yourself it's not important. it is. you are important. your dreams are important. your feelings are important. what you want, it matters. don't let anyone tell you different. and don't let anyone stop you from chasing your dreams. i know that sounds cliche, but i'm serious. fear is the mind-killer.
so, take a deep breath. close your eyes. see life how you wish it was. and then take a step. take a risk. take a chance. you might fall flat on your face, but how will you know if you never try?
September 21, 2009
open ears, open heart.
"Come close to God, and He will come close to you... Humble yourself in the Lord's presence. Then He will give you a high position." James 4: 8,10
I've been asking God to work within me. I've been asking Him to instill a deeper desire to be near Him. I've been asking Him to draw me to close to Him. But its not all about what He is doing, it is about the steps I am taking to bring myself closer to Him. I have had to bring myself closer to him, and open up my heart in order to hear what He has to say... on church this last Sunday, I really felt God tugging on my heart. Do you know how that feels? When it is like the words coming out of the pastor's mouth were meant for you, like they are coming straight from God, saying - "Kari, or _______, I'm talking to you." I just felt very convicted. So often I dismiss people or situations because I'm sure that the other person is wrong, or simply because I no longer feel it is worth it to care. Sometimes I am selfish. Sometimes I am wrong. Sometimes I have a lot of pride. And pride is a barrier to love, the love to another person, whether that be a friend, a family member, a significant other, or even someone you barely know. Love is not about who is right and who is wrong (yes, i'm talking about 1 Corinthains 13 people.) It is not about treating someone well only if they treat you well. Love is selfless. Love is about serving, and blessing other people, and being there with open arms even when they hurt you. Even when you want to do everything BUT love them. Imagine if God treated us the way we treat other people... Oh, well I'm not going to love him or her today because they haven't had time for me lately. Um, Hello! I know I am guilty of not making enough time for God, I won't assume about you, but I'm guessing you know what I'm talking about. But, GOD LOVES US ANYWAY. unconditionally. no matter what. and its such a hard thing, but I realize that I need to be better at that. I need to work harder to love people even when its hard, even when I want to give up. Because life is too short to let relationships fade simply because you're not willing to try, or because you're not willing to be the bigger person. Love people anyways. Mend things. Try again. Because its not about you. Love is selfless. God shows us that every day. and maybe we can try and do the same. :)
I've been asking God to work within me. I've been asking Him to instill a deeper desire to be near Him. I've been asking Him to draw me to close to Him. But its not all about what He is doing, it is about the steps I am taking to bring myself closer to Him. I have had to bring myself closer to him, and open up my heart in order to hear what He has to say... on church this last Sunday, I really felt God tugging on my heart. Do you know how that feels? When it is like the words coming out of the pastor's mouth were meant for you, like they are coming straight from God, saying - "Kari, or _______, I'm talking to you." I just felt very convicted. So often I dismiss people or situations because I'm sure that the other person is wrong, or simply because I no longer feel it is worth it to care. Sometimes I am selfish. Sometimes I am wrong. Sometimes I have a lot of pride. And pride is a barrier to love, the love to another person, whether that be a friend, a family member, a significant other, or even someone you barely know. Love is not about who is right and who is wrong (yes, i'm talking about 1 Corinthains 13 people.) It is not about treating someone well only if they treat you well. Love is selfless. Love is about serving, and blessing other people, and being there with open arms even when they hurt you. Even when you want to do everything BUT love them. Imagine if God treated us the way we treat other people... Oh, well I'm not going to love him or her today because they haven't had time for me lately. Um, Hello! I know I am guilty of not making enough time for God, I won't assume about you, but I'm guessing you know what I'm talking about. But, GOD LOVES US ANYWAY. unconditionally. no matter what. and its such a hard thing, but I realize that I need to be better at that. I need to work harder to love people even when its hard, even when I want to give up. Because life is too short to let relationships fade simply because you're not willing to try, or because you're not willing to be the bigger person. Love people anyways. Mend things. Try again. Because its not about you. Love is selfless. God shows us that every day. and maybe we can try and do the same. :)
text message love.
[a compiling of text message between me and my bestie laura. we're dorks and we know it. but these are the things that make my day. the little things. silly words via text message, a reminder that someone cares...]
from K to the L, and back again.
i miss lazy days and carefree nights,
days when Lifetime or WE were my only choices,
and cookie dough added to my bliss.
oh the days of yester year...
oh the days, the days of late night
walmart runs, coffee, and pearl harbor...
many tissues to wipe the tears after watching
ben die come back to life,
oh, the days of randomness and time.
reflect upon the nights with
papa murphys and dance parties all around,
when life was wonderful, sex and the city
marathons and cider beer.
now it has come to grammar,
papers, CA stuff and literature... but God is good.
cuz when night falls, board games are still playable
and long chats are still had.
even amongst the chaos of the day
the peace of friendship keeps me sane.
jokes and laughter keep us smiling while
lengthening our lives by at least a hundred years.
from K to the L, and back again.
i miss lazy days and carefree nights,
days when Lifetime or WE were my only choices,
and cookie dough added to my bliss.
oh the days of yester year...
oh the days, the days of late night
walmart runs, coffee, and pearl harbor...
many tissues to wipe the tears after watching
ben die come back to life,
oh, the days of randomness and time.
reflect upon the nights with
papa murphys and dance parties all around,
when life was wonderful, sex and the city
marathons and cider beer.
now it has come to grammar,
papers, CA stuff and literature... but God is good.
cuz when night falls, board games are still playable
and long chats are still had.
even amongst the chaos of the day
the peace of friendship keeps me sane.
jokes and laughter keep us smiling while
lengthening our lives by at least a hundred years.
September 19, 2009
Snapshots.
Pavement in the rearview,
framing the face of the boy
who says goodbye with his smile.
Black and white photographs,
freeze forever flawless moments
when life made sense.
Skinny dipping at midnight,
bare skin and smiling faces
emerge into the iridescent water.
Scars etched into his wrist,
delicate white lines on a chalkboard,
slowly fading but never gone.
The smell of coffee against the sunrise,
a gentle breeze on a summer day,
a comfort for the weary.
Women never satisfied with
the reflection in the mirror.
We could always be
better.
i decided i miss writing poetry.
so, there should be more of this to come.
framing the face of the boy
who says goodbye with his smile.
Black and white photographs,
freeze forever flawless moments
when life made sense.
Skinny dipping at midnight,
bare skin and smiling faces
emerge into the iridescent water.
Scars etched into his wrist,
delicate white lines on a chalkboard,
slowly fading but never gone.
The smell of coffee against the sunrise,
a gentle breeze on a summer day,
a comfort for the weary.
Women never satisfied with
the reflection in the mirror.
We could always be
better.
i decided i miss writing poetry.
so, there should be more of this to come.
September 18, 2009
friday fun.
so after a very long week, and a stressful morning i decided to treat myself to a relaxing afternoon and evening. especially because i will be spending the next two days doing a lot of studying... once again. so with that in mind, let me just say that from the hour of 4 in the afternoon till now (12:32 A.M), i have had a grand evening:
okay, i normally don't do this kind of thing, a moment by moment synopsis of my day or evening, because i think it gets old and pointless. but i had a wonderful afternoon/evening and felt like sharing. put a smile on my face, maybe some of it will put a smile on yours too :)
- coffee is amazing. if i had to choose what kind of coffee to have i would probably go to a little hut (idk if any of you have them where you are from, but in my hometown we have coffee huts EVERYWHERE. and i think they make the best coffee) so while starbucks is definitely not my first choice i still really enjoy a non-fat vanilla latte. my uncle has given me a $100 gift card for three years in a row now... and being able to just go get a coffee every once in awhile instead of just making it at home (which i still love by the way) is just so amazing. so there stands great point number one.
- i remember when i was younger, or in high school, and my mom would take naps... and i used to be like - that is so stupid, who needs naps? not i! well let me just tell you. entering college brings you a whole new appreciation for naps. naps are one of the greatest things ever; a little pick-me-up in the middle of a long day, or a boost of energy, or simple just a moment of relaxation. i had a wonderful nap this afternoon and i didn't want it to end. laying on my couch with my fan slightly blowing on my body... complete silence. no cares. just sleep for an hour. gosh, i don't know why i ever thought naps were a dumb idea.
- the REDBOX. if you don't know what the redbox is i suggest you type "redbox" into google and find the one nearest you. i love movies, but paying $4.50 at Blockbuster or Movie Gallery is by far the dumbest thing ever. redbox on the other hand, is so sweet. a movie for $1.06?! HELLZ YEAH. and its not just like dumb titles, its like legit movies, new releases, etc. and if you feel like keeping it an extra day, its still only an additional dollar and six cents. way cheaper. convenient. aww. i make frequent trips to the redbox. loves.
- running. this is not a new obsession of mine (then again neither is coffee) but every run is different... i've been running around 5/6 every night because thats when it starts to get cool enough to actually function and not die from heat exposure. tonight i procrastinated a bit longer... (coffee, nap, movie rental, you get the picture) and didn't go until about 7:30. its that time when its dark, but not all the way dark... and its cool. its amazing to me how much faster you can run, or how much better of a run you can have when you take heat out of the picture. or perhaps maybe i was just more relaxed. the change of the temperature and the air just made for a very enjoyable 3 miles. :) yay.
- SKYPE and web-convos. okay, i admit i avoided skype for quite a long time. i really didn't understand what all the fuss was about. also, my computer is ghetto and has no web cam so i was too lazy and broke to go buy one. well transferring schools this year has made staying in touch with my friends more important, one in paricular, my dear friend laura. so we both went out and bought webcams about a week ago, and have been skyping ever since. tonight we spent about an hour and 1/2 online together... and we played checkers ha. it seriously felt like we were just hanging out, having a conversation, and sharing in an activity. and its just so good to see her face. i think skype is great. and talking to people online. i have had some amazing convos online. not to say that talking in person doesn't exceed that by far... but i do believe that heart-felt, or even just great communication can exist over the web. technology is a great thing isn't it??
- I Love You, Man. ha. ha. ha. what a great movie. i live alone and i sat in my apartment and watched the whole thing, and i kept bursting out into hysterical fits of laughter. i wonder what the 65 year old guy next to me is thinking?? hmm. let him wonder! i really enjoyed the movie, i've been hearing about it for quite some time, but hadn't had the chance to watch it yet - until tonite! if you haven't watched it, i suggest you do. and if you don't like well, i'll take the blame. my only wish is that someone had been here to watch it with... i kept wanting to comment on things and found myself staring at the air. oh well.
okay, i normally don't do this kind of thing, a moment by moment synopsis of my day or evening, because i think it gets old and pointless. but i had a wonderful afternoon/evening and felt like sharing. put a smile on my face, maybe some of it will put a smile on yours too :)
September 17, 2009
i'm just gonna take a minute...
Reminisce. Remember. Recollect.
Reflect on what has brought you to this moment.
Right here. Right now. Who are you?
And how did you become the person you are today?
we don’t just wake up one morning and decide – oh, now i’m going to be this way, without any rhyme or reason as to why. we develop over time. just as we develop from a child into an adolescent into an adult – we also develop who we are as individuals. and who we are is a reflection on what defines us. the elements of our past. the people. the places. the situations. the let-downs. the triumphs. the lessons… they all brought us to this moment. they are all responsible for who we are. and sometimes you need to take a step back and recall what influenced your present.
before i continue, allow me to clarify something: i am not saying to live in the past. i am simply asking that you appreciate how the past influenced who you are. so often i think we forget, or simply dismiss important elements of our lives. maybe because we no longer care, maybe because it is too painful, or maybe because we simply forget. things change. people, activities, and hobbies you used to find important change too, but don’t forget how those things used to make you feel. we all have parts of our past we would rather forget, but we shouldn’t. on the contrary we should embrace them…
live without regret. there are definitely parts of my past i’m not proud of, parts of my past that hurt to remember. i’ve lied. i’ve been lied to. i’ve hurt myself emotionally. i’ve hurt people i love. i’ve made bad choices. i’ve lost pieces of myself. i’ve held grudges. i’ve lost friendships. i’ve lived selfishly. i’ve cheated. i’ve behaved in a way not pleasing to God or myself. i’ve let people take advantage of me. i’ve made mistakes. i’ve lost loved ones. i’ve given in to temptation. i’ve had my heart broken. i’ve hurt myself physically. i’ve let things and people make up my self-worth. i’ve been dirty. i’ve been low… and i am thankful for every moment. every experience. every mistake. every person. because they brought me to today, to who i am.
last night at bible study, we had a heated discussion about how God creates us in His image – and how He wants the best for us. i won’t get into the opposing viewpoint, but the truth of the matter is this: i am God’s child. and my self-worth is defined through Him, not other people, not from my past, not from my works. my relationship with Him is the important thing. and God does not tempt me, God does not set things in front of me to hurt me. God gave me a free will, and i may choose to allow sin and pain to enter my life, but when i turn back to Him, He is always there. and i believe that God uses pain and suffering in our lives to bring us closer to Him, to teach us something.
i have no regrets because my past has taught me valuable life lessons. my past has brought me closer to God. my past holds within it people who changed my life, people i will remember for the rest of my life. my past holds pieces of who i was, who i am, and who i will always be. i carry those things with me and i hold them tight. because i am grateful for it all. i don’t dwell on the past, because i don’t think it’s healthy or beneficial, but i do think it is important to remember. because you can’t block out parts of your life. each piece is influential to who you are. ignoring a part of the puzzle gives you an incomplete picture, and the people who make up your life now, the people important to you now, deserve to see the whole picture – so let them. own your past, your present, and your future. it’s yours.
Reflect on what has brought you to this moment.
Right here. Right now. Who are you?
And how did you become the person you are today?
we don’t just wake up one morning and decide – oh, now i’m going to be this way, without any rhyme or reason as to why. we develop over time. just as we develop from a child into an adolescent into an adult – we also develop who we are as individuals. and who we are is a reflection on what defines us. the elements of our past. the people. the places. the situations. the let-downs. the triumphs. the lessons… they all brought us to this moment. they are all responsible for who we are. and sometimes you need to take a step back and recall what influenced your present.
before i continue, allow me to clarify something: i am not saying to live in the past. i am simply asking that you appreciate how the past influenced who you are. so often i think we forget, or simply dismiss important elements of our lives. maybe because we no longer care, maybe because it is too painful, or maybe because we simply forget. things change. people, activities, and hobbies you used to find important change too, but don’t forget how those things used to make you feel. we all have parts of our past we would rather forget, but we shouldn’t. on the contrary we should embrace them…
live without regret. there are definitely parts of my past i’m not proud of, parts of my past that hurt to remember. i’ve lied. i’ve been lied to. i’ve hurt myself emotionally. i’ve hurt people i love. i’ve made bad choices. i’ve lost pieces of myself. i’ve held grudges. i’ve lost friendships. i’ve lived selfishly. i’ve cheated. i’ve behaved in a way not pleasing to God or myself. i’ve let people take advantage of me. i’ve made mistakes. i’ve lost loved ones. i’ve given in to temptation. i’ve had my heart broken. i’ve hurt myself physically. i’ve let things and people make up my self-worth. i’ve been dirty. i’ve been low… and i am thankful for every moment. every experience. every mistake. every person. because they brought me to today, to who i am.
last night at bible study, we had a heated discussion about how God creates us in His image – and how He wants the best for us. i won’t get into the opposing viewpoint, but the truth of the matter is this: i am God’s child. and my self-worth is defined through Him, not other people, not from my past, not from my works. my relationship with Him is the important thing. and God does not tempt me, God does not set things in front of me to hurt me. God gave me a free will, and i may choose to allow sin and pain to enter my life, but when i turn back to Him, He is always there. and i believe that God uses pain and suffering in our lives to bring us closer to Him, to teach us something.
i have no regrets because my past has taught me valuable life lessons. my past has brought me closer to God. my past holds within it people who changed my life, people i will remember for the rest of my life. my past holds pieces of who i was, who i am, and who i will always be. i carry those things with me and i hold them tight. because i am grateful for it all. i don’t dwell on the past, because i don’t think it’s healthy or beneficial, but i do think it is important to remember. because you can’t block out parts of your life. each piece is influential to who you are. ignoring a part of the puzzle gives you an incomplete picture, and the people who make up your life now, the people important to you now, deserve to see the whole picture – so let them. own your past, your present, and your future. it’s yours.
August 23, 2009
the start of something new.
i am twenty years old... twenty years and four months. in the scheme of things; the bigger picture, that's relatively young. but i feel old. maybe its because for the first time in my life i am actually doing something huge on my own... going to school, not knowing one single person. which is something i probably should have done two years ago, but better late than never right? oh, and did i mention i'm living on my own. a cute cozy one bedroom apartment, which i love. responsible for paying my own bills, cooking for me and me alone, la la la. even went and had a job interview yesterday. it feels weird considering i've worked at bear country for six years, and i don't really think i even had to interview barely. its been a great job, but its also kind of been like a comfortable shell. as has following my friends my whole life. lets be honest here - friends are important. and when your family starts driving you insane - they are even more important. like a lifeline. but at some point you have to realize that while friends help shape who you are, they don't make up everything about you. you have to stand on your own to feet and own who you are as individual. and now is my chance. nobody knows who i am. where i've been. or what i've done. i am allowed to shape my the rest of my future, and its in my control - i don't have to follow anyone. ahhhh. i'm blabbing. i have a lot of thoughts in my head right now, i know that this is for the best but its really scary starting over half way through school. i feel like a freshman all over again, not knowing where things are on campus - trying to find my classes, ahhh. lol. but its exciting too. and i'm making my apartment feel like home and eventually it will. and it will be all mine. woot. alright. enough for now. maybe something more substantial will come in the future. lates.
July 22, 2009
be bold, jump in the cold water.
"what if it turns out that life isn't defined by who you belong to or where you came from, by what you wished for or whom you've lost, but instead by the moments you spend getting from each of these places to the next?"
there are moments that define who you are. experiences that wouldn't be the same had they been shared with an alternate group of people. decisions that influence your life - that take you in a completely different direction from where you had previously been. every breathe. every word. every choice. every person. every day. and step by step you are changing, learning, growing. defining moments of your life. putting away memories that will last a lifetime. and at the same time, letting little things pass you by...
sometimes i just wish i could replay things and take a deeper look. let me paint a scenario for you:
walking down the bike path at eleven o'clock at night, instead of just simply walking - maybe just stop. look up. appreciate the stars. take a second and say thank you. or maybe just breathe it in - the cool night air and the scent of summer. the way it feels on your exposed skin, shaven legs and bare arms. how you can take off your shoes and the cement feels good beneath your feet. how summer is a time for adventures. for doing things you shouldn't, or perhaps, you should.
friends gather together, for a multitude of activities propelled by our curiosty, our sense of adventure, and our longing to do things out of the ordinary. for example, sneaking into one of the neighborhood pools. and while the task itself is rather simple, to make it into a sort of secret mission is what makes it an adventure: sprinting down the sidewalk, shed from clothes... swimsuits and shorts alone remain. creeping into the overgrown grass, you wait. for the perfect moment. the chance to break in. to go beyond the fences put up to keep people out after hours. huddled with friends, you wait. for the signal. and then run, once again. bare legs scratching against worn wood. knees caught on edges. all the while trying to stay silent. once over the countdown begins. and then running continues, followed by jumping, and diving into the pool like school kids trying to get outside at recess. the water is warm. refreshing. faces surface with smiles and laughter. innocent rebellion. pure enjoyment. and the boys will be boys - creating a few more large splashes before the freedom in the pool has expired. and then once again the chase is on, from who there never will be an answer. only the thrill of knowing that you could be caught. might be caught. and so to not waste any time - instead to just run. cold air now chilling beneath the skin, but the adrenaline warming the body right back up again. a pattern of wet footprints scattered across the pavement... a path to the guilty, but only briefly as the warm summer air dries moments later. the adventure has gone without flaw. a checkmark to one of the many "must-do's" of the summer. and as it comes to a close, you have to stop and take a breathe...
these are the moments worth fighting for. random experiences with those you are comfortable with. people who are down for anything. for living in the moment. for not being afraid to say yes. its easy to back away, to hide from the what-if's. but it takes greater character to stand up and follow through. my friends don't back down. and that is why i love them. that is why summer is a time for breathing in deep, diving in, and never looking back. because once a moment passes, you never get it back. no regrets. just living life for all its worth.
July 14, 2009
rain on me.
"people often tell you to dance in the rain. but, i prefer to run. something about the rain soaking through my clothes, dripping down my face, makes me feel refreshed. pushes me to run faster. allows me to appreciate God and the beauty of His creation. as the rain washes over me and my feet run against the pavement, i am surrounded with a sense of peace. and suddenly the world is right." - me.
last night, me and my friend brooke went for a trail run. even before we started the clouds were looking pretty dark, and it was thundering. half of the run was amidst a lot of trees, and not long after we got out into the open it just started pouring. as we were getting soaked brooke just yelled, "thank you God! you are so amazing!" and in that moment i really just felt God's presence around us. just acknowledging that He was the one that was making it rain, He was the one responsible for all the beauty around us. we both openly felt the same way. and so we spent the next few moments just really talking about God and how we were doing. it was like the rain gave us an opening to just talk about how we were doing. honestly, we were both pretty frustrated.
its easy to criticize for the things that don't go the way you want them to. to get upset over little things. to get angry for no reason. to not appreciate all the things God does give you, because you are too caught up in all your own crap to focus on all the things you have been given. i find myself getting upset over little things like friends not calling, or this or that and not giving thanks for the friends i have. the blessings God has given me. my family. the list goes on and on. and also, the other night i was praying for my friend mat who went in to have his heart looked at... and i just felt like i shouldn't even be praying because i hadn't even made time for God on a day to day basis for just the two of us. i felt like i shouldn't be asking for things when i haven't even putting God anywhere close to first in my life lately.
so brooke and i had a really great talk, as we enjoyed the rain soaking us to the core. and when we finished running we sat together and just prayed. it was just a really amazing thing to be able to fellowship doing something i really enjoy. running alone allows me to get rid of a lot of stress and focus on things, and combining that with good christian fellowship and focus on the One who brought us together. the whole experience was just really encouraging, and gave me a little bit more hope than i have had lately. :) amazing how God uses the little things to lift us up. i am so grateful for that.
last night, me and my friend brooke went for a trail run. even before we started the clouds were looking pretty dark, and it was thundering. half of the run was amidst a lot of trees, and not long after we got out into the open it just started pouring. as we were getting soaked brooke just yelled, "thank you God! you are so amazing!" and in that moment i really just felt God's presence around us. just acknowledging that He was the one that was making it rain, He was the one responsible for all the beauty around us. we both openly felt the same way. and so we spent the next few moments just really talking about God and how we were doing. it was like the rain gave us an opening to just talk about how we were doing. honestly, we were both pretty frustrated.
its easy to criticize for the things that don't go the way you want them to. to get upset over little things. to get angry for no reason. to not appreciate all the things God does give you, because you are too caught up in all your own crap to focus on all the things you have been given. i find myself getting upset over little things like friends not calling, or this or that and not giving thanks for the friends i have. the blessings God has given me. my family. the list goes on and on. and also, the other night i was praying for my friend mat who went in to have his heart looked at... and i just felt like i shouldn't even be praying because i hadn't even made time for God on a day to day basis for just the two of us. i felt like i shouldn't be asking for things when i haven't even putting God anywhere close to first in my life lately.
so brooke and i had a really great talk, as we enjoyed the rain soaking us to the core. and when we finished running we sat together and just prayed. it was just a really amazing thing to be able to fellowship doing something i really enjoy. running alone allows me to get rid of a lot of stress and focus on things, and combining that with good christian fellowship and focus on the One who brought us together. the whole experience was just really encouraging, and gave me a little bit more hope than i have had lately. :) amazing how God uses the little things to lift us up. i am so grateful for that.
June 22, 2009
you can't please everyone.
"the people that have known you the longest know you in a way that other people can't because they've seen you change, they've let you change."
i seem to have a habit at slacking off at this blog. it's not intentional, i swear... just one of those things. we'll try and bring it back into focus here. i know at least one person will appreciate it! ;) since my last update LOTS of stuff has gone down in my life. [by that i mean, has happened]
i have been working a lot, which i absolutely hate. it's my sixth summer working there and i'm just over the whole scene. i sit in a little room for almost 12 hours a day, and run a cash register - basically, do absolutely nothing. which is sweet, cuz i'm getting paid for it but i'm reaching a point in my life where i would like to be doing something that requires a little more skill. or uses a little more energy. or exercises my brain in at least some way. not to mention, all this drama is going down. oh did i mention i'm the supervisor? yea... so i get to deal with all of it. basically the girls i'm in charge of are not happy. making the schedule for july is going to be impossible. i wish i could just let someone else deal with it. i hate drama, and i'm not going to play into it. my life quote lately has become :: "you can't please everyone." :)
other than that... I GOT AN APARTMENT IN GREELEY!!!!! things are becoming real now. yes, for those of you who don't know i chose greeley, co as my next place of education - University of Northern Colorado! i went down a couple weekends ago - left at 6 o'clock in the morning. was home by ten at night. apartment in the bag! it was such a God thing, i can't even tell you. my landlord is absolutely amazing. he showed us around town. took me and my mom out to lunch. made us coffee before we hit the road. its a one bedroom apartment in a triplex, like a house. (a 55ish year old couple lives on the top, and a 40 year old single guy lives in one side of the basement, i live on the other) i'm stoked. its in a nice neighborhood, not as close to campus as i would have wanted but its somewhere that i'm going to feel safe - and that i think is important in a town and an area that i know absolutely NOTHING about. God provides, and its amazing. did i mention that my landlord's wife is hopefully getting me a job? she manages payless and they sent me an application in the mail a couple days ago! so hopefully it works out :)
AS FOR MY FRIENDS: there are times when we all get a little crazy - we drink too much beer, sing at the top of our lungs, stay awake until the sun is rising, laugh until our sides hurt, and take hundreds of pictures. and yet, underneath all the chaos, there are relationships that will last. conversations in the dark, secrets shared, and bonds of trust made. and after a night has ended, morning comes and you appreciate your friends. not because they know how to party, but because they know how to be there when it matters. everyone gets a little crazy sometimes, but in the midst of the mayhem of life and all it throws at you - there are those friends who will never back down. who will always show up. who will always be there; open arms and open ears.
i love my friends. i basically have been hanging out with the same people on a daily basis, and its been awesome. i've been neglecting some other people but sometimes i just can't handle the drama. recently i realized that i would much rather spend my summer, and my time here, with people who have remained constants through the last couple years, people who i know are still going to be there, people who actually care about who i am as a person. why waste my time with those who are only friends when its convenient? and especially those people who get upset when i don't see them, who get mad over the dumbest things. so i have been choosing to just not hang out with those people, and yea they are pissed - but i can't please everyone. and frankly i'm having a blast filling my time with those i have been seeing. so yea... the summer is going great.
the only complaint i have is not spending more time with God. me and my friend liz got this book for a bible study - its called "sex and the soul of a woman". deals with sex in today's society and the pressures of engaging in sexual activities with men. something we both struggle with, so we thought it would be a good pick. :) we've both been reading it on our own but still have yet to get together and go through the study part of it. which sucks. idk why, but its so hard to stay focused on God during the summer - i guess there is always a million things to do and He gets put on the back burner. the other day i was really feeling convicted about it, and went and spent a couple hours in the park just reading my bible and journaling. felt so good. it just hurts me to know that i'm not giving Him the attention He deserves, and that i'm struggling as a result. i NEED God. and i want to be focusing on Him. and i just hope that the rest of the summer gets a little stronger in that area. we will see, me and liz are definitely making an effort!
well folks, ta ta for now! i have the day off and its sunny out so i'm gonna get some rays! considering it has rained literally EVER DAY this month. who knows how long it will last today. hopefully i will do this again soon, until then. loves.
i seem to have a habit at slacking off at this blog. it's not intentional, i swear... just one of those things. we'll try and bring it back into focus here. i know at least one person will appreciate it! ;) since my last update LOTS of stuff has gone down in my life. [by that i mean, has happened]
i have been working a lot, which i absolutely hate. it's my sixth summer working there and i'm just over the whole scene. i sit in a little room for almost 12 hours a day, and run a cash register - basically, do absolutely nothing. which is sweet, cuz i'm getting paid for it but i'm reaching a point in my life where i would like to be doing something that requires a little more skill. or uses a little more energy. or exercises my brain in at least some way. not to mention, all this drama is going down. oh did i mention i'm the supervisor? yea... so i get to deal with all of it. basically the girls i'm in charge of are not happy. making the schedule for july is going to be impossible. i wish i could just let someone else deal with it. i hate drama, and i'm not going to play into it. my life quote lately has become :: "you can't please everyone." :)
other than that... I GOT AN APARTMENT IN GREELEY!!!!! things are becoming real now. yes, for those of you who don't know i chose greeley, co as my next place of education - University of Northern Colorado! i went down a couple weekends ago - left at 6 o'clock in the morning. was home by ten at night. apartment in the bag! it was such a God thing, i can't even tell you. my landlord is absolutely amazing. he showed us around town. took me and my mom out to lunch. made us coffee before we hit the road. its a one bedroom apartment in a triplex, like a house. (a 55ish year old couple lives on the top, and a 40 year old single guy lives in one side of the basement, i live on the other) i'm stoked. its in a nice neighborhood, not as close to campus as i would have wanted but its somewhere that i'm going to feel safe - and that i think is important in a town and an area that i know absolutely NOTHING about. God provides, and its amazing. did i mention that my landlord's wife is hopefully getting me a job? she manages payless and they sent me an application in the mail a couple days ago! so hopefully it works out :)
AS FOR MY FRIENDS: there are times when we all get a little crazy - we drink too much beer, sing at the top of our lungs, stay awake until the sun is rising, laugh until our sides hurt, and take hundreds of pictures. and yet, underneath all the chaos, there are relationships that will last. conversations in the dark, secrets shared, and bonds of trust made. and after a night has ended, morning comes and you appreciate your friends. not because they know how to party, but because they know how to be there when it matters. everyone gets a little crazy sometimes, but in the midst of the mayhem of life and all it throws at you - there are those friends who will never back down. who will always show up. who will always be there; open arms and open ears.
i love my friends. i basically have been hanging out with the same people on a daily basis, and its been awesome. i've been neglecting some other people but sometimes i just can't handle the drama. recently i realized that i would much rather spend my summer, and my time here, with people who have remained constants through the last couple years, people who i know are still going to be there, people who actually care about who i am as a person. why waste my time with those who are only friends when its convenient? and especially those people who get upset when i don't see them, who get mad over the dumbest things. so i have been choosing to just not hang out with those people, and yea they are pissed - but i can't please everyone. and frankly i'm having a blast filling my time with those i have been seeing. so yea... the summer is going great.
the only complaint i have is not spending more time with God. me and my friend liz got this book for a bible study - its called "sex and the soul of a woman". deals with sex in today's society and the pressures of engaging in sexual activities with men. something we both struggle with, so we thought it would be a good pick. :) we've both been reading it on our own but still have yet to get together and go through the study part of it. which sucks. idk why, but its so hard to stay focused on God during the summer - i guess there is always a million things to do and He gets put on the back burner. the other day i was really feeling convicted about it, and went and spent a couple hours in the park just reading my bible and journaling. felt so good. it just hurts me to know that i'm not giving Him the attention He deserves, and that i'm struggling as a result. i NEED God. and i want to be focusing on Him. and i just hope that the rest of the summer gets a little stronger in that area. we will see, me and liz are definitely making an effort!
well folks, ta ta for now! i have the day off and its sunny out so i'm gonna get some rays! considering it has rained literally EVER DAY this month. who knows how long it will last today. hopefully i will do this again soon, until then. loves.
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