rambling holiday thoughts.

"your worst days are never so bad that you are beyond the reach of God's grace and your best days are never so good that you are beyond the need of God's grace"

in the light of christmas, and the feelings associated with it, i felt compelled to write (surprise surprise). for those who hold ties to our Savior, we are told to remember the true meaning of christmas as we go through the day - to remember Jesus being born, to come and save the world, and to eventually die for all our sins. wow, right? yet, we get caught up in the hustle and bustle - and presents, who got what. me, i got a new camera and a new ipod, both which i am extremely grateful for. but more than that, i am thankful for my parents. for my family. for the significance of the day. and also the missing pieces. its hard to celebrate a day centered on family and togetherness when one of your loved ones is no longer able to be a part of it. every year, my aunt and my mom used to exchange calenders. and every year, me and my aunt would make cut-out cookies. last year, i made them by myself and cried the whole time, practically. this year, my mom helped a little - and half way through i was so overcome with emotion that i had to go downstairs. i threw up. its overwhelming sometimes, her absence. christmas eve service had me choking back tears when silent night was sung, her favorite. opening presents today, now only from my uncle who left them before he went out of town... was hard. my mom still got her calander, which is just a reminder of her absence. and she has no one to give one too. there were once again tears. the holidays are harder than any other times, and i just think - we should be thankful for those who still touch our lives on a daily basis, or even those who grace us with their friendship. each day is a gift. every day. not just christmas, but this time of year seems like when we remember things things more than others. i like to think that i make a difference. i would like to think that as this year comes to a close, i have touched people's lives in the past year. because i know for sure, that many people have touched mine. and to those people i say thank you. thank you for sticking by. thank you for putting up with me, even when i am rude. when i am unappreciative. when i take for granted what i have. thank you for holding me through the tears. through the hard times. for loving me. for thats what God wants us to do isn't it? be there. to love with our whole hearts. like He does. made in His image, we should act in His image. it is not so much about the words we speak, but the actions we present. we spread His love through ourselves. and that's what we should remember today. i definitely do. my aunt was an inspirational part of my life. she touched me in ways i can't even explain. there will always be a hole in my heart, and even though as time goes on it starts to heal... it will never be the same. she was self-less. she cared for others. she prayed for others. she was gentle. kind-hearted. soft-spoken. slow to anger, and full of love. i want to leave a legacy like that. and so i ask myself today - am i being who i want to be? am i making a difference? am i showing God's love? or am i focused on myself, and caught up with all my silly "problems" that i have lost what is important. i don't know. i know that i am not completely on track... more off to the side, lost a little to the left. i can see the path. or at least a glimpse of light through the clearing, but i can't seem to get there right this second. sometime soon perhaps. who knows. i certainly do not. but even though i am not quite there - i still know that God is watching over me. that He is waiting. and all the things i have always known, are still true - even if i don't see them, or feel them. He gives us these times as reminders, and maybe as provokers towards our true potential - to make us remember what really counts. for its not the presents under the tree, the giant piece of pie, or a holiday drink - its the promise. He will always be there. when He sent His son, through mary He gave us a choice to have faith, to believe, and to trust. so what will you choose? no matter where you are - God's grace is sufficient. He is holding out His hand, no matter how long it takes you to reach it. He will not grow weary. You are, I am, His child.

destination anywhere.

somebody help me get out of this place. i don't feel like i belong here. i have cried way too much in the past couple weeks. this is supposed to be a break from the stresses. this is supposed to be a time of year full of joy, and fa la la's.

too many words that confuse what I say. i have such an easy time putting words on the page. i have no problem ranting about how i feel to this screen. words come easy from my fingertips. my mouth however, seems to have a complication. i don't know how to say what i really mean. and so instead, i decide to hold it in... i choose to say nothing at all. because its easier to pretend. i hate having to explain. because when i feel the way i feel right now, it always ends the same. me - blubbering. crying. feeling like an idiot. i don't like hurting people's feelings. i hate confrontations. i hate getting mad. so instead i choose to ignore things. until they really get bad enough to say something. i deal with it on my own... that's just the way i am.

give me the keys to get out of this box. i am trapped. surrounded by unanswered questions. at the most inopportune time of year. i miss my aunt. so incredibly much. its hard to get excited about christmas anymore... i still like it, its just not the same. instead of looking forward to it, its just a reminder that she isn't here. she won't be sharing it with us. that i have to make cut-out cookies by myself, instead of with her... like we always did, how it should still be. my mom brought out a picture the other night - christmas when i gave her this book i wrote about her, everything i loved about her. i just started crying. i want her back. so much. and on top of that, i don't know where i belong. i am surrounded by choices, and no answers. i don't know how to deal with things. i don't feel like being around people. i can't run. i feel like i'm losing the things that are important to me.

I can’t help myself right now. there is a looming future in front of me, and i just want to hide in the corner and never come out. i want to keep all the good things about my life. i want to hold on to my family. and the few friends who actually mean something to me. and i don't want anything to change. i want to change. i want to grow. but i need those people to stay with me. i don't feel like i can lose anything else right now... i don't know how i would deal with it. and i'm so afraid something is going to come crashing down on me. seems like when you're at the bottom, you just tend to fall even harder. i'm trying. but i just want to disappear. destination anywhere?

[italics credited to sugarcult - destination anywhere]

forgotten flower.

i want to understand. i want to know where my life is supposed to go from here. where am i supposed to go to school next year? how am i going to get through next semester... i need a job. i need to feel reassurance. i need to know i'm doing okay. i need someone to tell me i'm making a difference. i need to know that i'm on the right path. i want to write. i want to spend my money getting a degree in something i enjoy. is that wrong? no, i don't know where i will work. no, i don't know if i will receive health benefits. no, i don't know how i am going to pay for everything. i always said, one day at time... but now i'm getting worried. i want to know why God is taking away one of the things that help me deal with stress. especially now when i have so much of it. i need to run. that's all i know. it's all i've ever done. and now - waiting for a year? maybe longer? maybe never again??! i can't deal with that. i don't know how. i need people to answer their phones when i need them. like why isn't there some magical power that says - this phone call is very important. instead of not answering, and not calling me back. i just need to know i'm worth the call. just please. i want to know why - people don't call me. invite me when i call, after plans have already been made, but not before. why? don't i belong. and if not, then where do i belong. i constantly ask myself that question. please God, help me! i have lost you. i have lost myself. i have lost all sense of direction. who am i? and does anyone even care.. do i even care... i want to know i'm beautiful. i want someone to tell me i mean something. i want to feel. right now i'm just numb. and i'm just dealing with it. stuffing it all inside. who am i to deserve more. i start crying. i lose my happiness. and i get blamed for being mad. i'm just upset. with life. with myself. with everything. the people. the lies. the constant charade. i want more. i want answers. i want to feel complete. i want to be confident again. i don't know anything right now.

a poem.

I will die

here in this city full
of flat brown fields
and winters that never
end- where I lost
myself; where I became
the person consumed
with apple martinis
random hook-ups
late nights of smoking
joints and laughing
about nothing at all,
all the while trying
to break free from the
chains of peer pressure
the addiction to men
who screw and then
leave me feeling like an
anorexic staring into the
mirror: starving but
skinny enough
beautiful enough – almost,
one more day and then
I will stop and live,
or not.

by Kari Carda

[I wrote this for my poetry class. :)]

this is about today, soon to be a yesterday.

we all have those days. like the one i just had. you know the ones i'm talking about? the ones where you have all these expectations, you wake up and think - this is going to be a good day. today i will do things. today i will have fun. today i will spend time with the people i love. today will be great. and you start your morning off with a hot peppermint chocolate latte and indulge a re-run of your favorite show, just to get things off to a good start - before finally getting off your ass and preparing for the oh, so wonderful day to come. and then you wait, for the phone call that has been promised to be dialed. the one you are promised to be receiving. time passes and it doesn't come. just a few more hours i promise. so you wait some more. meanwhile, there is another promised phone call that could come at any time so just maybe they will call first. there is still hope. and then hope dies. 5, 6, 7 hours later and you realize your day has passed. it is dark outside. and you have barely moved from this morning. and yet - no one calls, and they will not. so in an attempt at regaining sanity you will try another option, try another source of enthusiasm and enjoyment - yet that also fails you. leaves you getting into your car with tears streaming down your perfect face, you know - the one you took time to put makeup on, surrounded by the hair you made sure to curl, for your oh, so wonderful day. and so you waste gas, that is only $1.55 at the moment, but still gas used for nothing more than an anecdote to your heart that feels like its breaking, to your eyes that are staining your clean glasses, to your hands that are clenching the steering wheel, to your music that is cranked up as loud as it can go so that not even you can hear your pathetic sobbing. is it really something to cry about? i do not know. but that is not really the question is it. the question is, why does this matter so much? what do you want? well - you are in fact desperate. have been desperate for the past few months to experience that time of belonging, the type of need that comes only from those you care about the most. the kind that is only shaken by the people you miss the most. and those people - well those people are the calls you never received. so in fact your desperation has been greeted with dissapointment and broken expectations which, results in a emotional disaster that leaves you feeling quite empty, and quite sad. hours later, you cry at a television program that is barely heartwrenching at all. and that is all a part of a day. wasted? perhaps. or perhaps you just discovered something about yourself - that you're hurting worse than you care to admit, and that your desperation, your need to feel something, is more than you've realized. here - you are supposed to be loved. and what happens when we don't receive that love. well, we break. we fall. and we go to bed - praying that tomorrow will be better. and that today's dissapointments will not carry over. for when tomorrow morning comes, today will only be a yesterday. and it will be gone... so what of it?

cinderella?

Growing up, everyone has their favorite Disney movies. Mine was Cinderella. I knew every word, I would make my grandma tape the musicals on TV, every different version that came out - I had to see it. It was the perfect story, rescued by a prince aka the perfect guy, your one and only, your soul-mate, that one person you were supposed to be with. It never got old to me. And then... I grew up.

Me and my mom went to Cinderella tonight. And that little girl inside me was enjoying it, falling for the magic. But my heart doesn't believe it anymore. I'm only 19 years old, and already I feel as if I have experienced enough heartbreak to last me a very long time. I used to believe that dream you know, that I could hold out and that one day I would find that person. I would find that one guy who valued me for my personality, valued me for who I was, who got into something and meant on making an effort to keep it that way. Now I'm not so sure. I feel like I have so much junk in my past, and negative experiences, that that's all I expect anymore...

So many of my friends have these serious relationships... not to mention, some of them have experienced more than once. And I know I'm supposed to be content with what I have. I know that. I know God has a plan, I know He has a purpose for everything, and different things are meant for different people. But sometimes, I just ask: Why? Why not me?? Why have I not had the chance to even get a taste of what it's supposed to be like? Because honestly, I have no clue.

Sorry, for the "oh wo is me" speech.
I'm just a little fed-up.
I little sad, and a little hopeless... for tonight.
Things always look better in the morning right?

history in the making.

well woot - election day has come and gone. if i was one of those highly political people, i would have a lot more indepth comments and specific opinions about the issue, but since i am just a girl - watching from a distance and commenting at an angle, i will simply share my lowly thoughts and concerns and you can do with them as you please...

i will share this with you first - i did not vote today. (go ahead, scream your oos and ahs, and tell me how bad of an american i am. i know. i know. as soon as you're done you can continue reading) it is not that i believe my opinion does not matter, or that i do not care - i do care. and i will continue to care. let us say, that i did vote - i would say, i voted for McCain. because of his beliefs, morals, etc. and i feel as if he is a lot more experienced. on the other side, i think electing the first black president is a huge change, and a huge step in history - as well as for America and the impact that it is going to make on our culture, and the countries of the world who are watching us. further more though, i think that either way - past, present, and future - we need to be praying for our country and its people. our country has a long ways to go, and i think either candidate would have had a lot on our hands. as for its people, well our main purpose is still to infect people with the power of the Holy Spirit, no matter what president is placed before us. the main issue here is relying on God, and trusting that He has a plan, He has a purpose, and His will be done. doesn't the bible say, God will not present us with anything we cannot handle?? well i believe the same is true for our government and what is about to come. and when we reach the point where we can't handle it anymore - than thats when i believe God will come again.

Screw America, Love America, OR please - Respect America. "Proud to be an American, where at least I know I'm free." we are blessed to have the freedom to choose, the freedom to have our own beliefs, our own opinions, and values, and so hold on to them. hold on to what you think is right - and fight for it. spread what is good, and fight back what is evil. we have to stand together as Americans, and more than that, we have to stand together as Christians - to represent and provoke change in the hearts of those who need it the most, in the hearts of those who are crying out for Jesus. so when this world does come to an end, we will be able to rejoice with those we love, as fellow brothers and sisters in Christ.

SOS

Romans 8:26 - In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.

I am beyond words right now. I have reached the point where I am just crying out - just asking for help. All week I have been trying to have a positive attitude about being here, in order to make it through this year as smoothly as possible - and tonight, shit just hit the fan, to put it bluntly. And then here I am again at a loss, not knowing what to do, completely miserable and upset. I am not a mean person, and for one night I stood up for myself and told my roommates I didn't want them to have people over and they get so pissed. Its like we're back in middle school - they turned their music on as loud as it could go so me and my friend couldn't hear what we were watching on TV. I cannot take it anymore. Cannot sit by and not say anything. Cannot handle the drinking night after night. The loud noises. The constant partying, the smoking weed. I feel like I'm trapped inside this bubble and I can't even think because of everything going on around me. It's like I can't even be my own person because I just feel like I'm being brought down, and I'm not allowed to care.

I need God to help me, I need Him to intercede and provide a solution. If that is getting out of this lease then I hope that it is made possible to do... because I can't take it anymore. I know He has a purpose for everything, and an answer for everything. And I just think I've had enough. I'm at my breaking point and I just can't do anything more on my own. I need Him so much. And I know whatever happens next isn't going to be easy, but I'm just going to trust that I'm going to get through this. With a lot of prayer, and a lot of searching I know I can make it. I am putting my trust in God to lead me to where I am supposed to be next... until then, I'm gonna keep pushing forward. Or at least giving it my best effort.

Do you not know?! Have you not heard!?
The LORD is the everlasting GOD, the CREATOR of the ends of the earth. HE will not grow tired or weary, and HIS understanding no one can fathom. HE gives strength to the weary, and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, the young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength...

I've got news people, news that I often have a hard time remembering to focus on, which is really a shame because news as exciting as this - well it should never be forgotten, never be put on the back burner, never be stored away until we REALLY need it. We always need it, we always should have our attention upon, but often times we wait until life is so hard that we can't take it anymore, and then we cry out, then we remember.

God is not our drug. He is not available only when the pain is so great we can't handle it anymore. He is definitely there in those times, but we should be looking to Him during every moment - when we're happy, when we're sad, when we're depressed, and angry, and when we are so overwhelmed that we don't even know what to do. God should be the focal point of our lives - we NEED Him. We NEED Him to be the center. We NEED Him to be in control. We NEED to give Him that control.

The past month, perhaps a little more, I have been so depressed that I have barely gone out of my apartment other than to attend class, perhaps get some groceries, you know stuff like that. The only times I have been remotely happy is when I left Mankato - I went home at the end of September, I flew to Fort Collins, CO in the middle of October, and I recently returned from being home again. Coming back, I realized that the only way I am going to make it through this year - the only way I am giong to survive living here, is to hold on to the positive aspects of my life - to grasp hold of the thigns I have been blessed with, to hold on to JESUS.

I have lost sight of Him lately, I have let Him go because I thought it didn't matter. Everything was falling apart, I haven't even been able to give my friends the time of day, so why would I give Jesus any of my time?? WHY? Because He can give me strength. He can pick me up. He can restore my wounded soul, my heart that seems to be constantly breaking. He can give me hope, to keep trucking along, and searching out the One who will always be there - no matter what the circumstances.

Yep, I got news. God is still here for me, He always has been. And no problem is too great if we just entrust in Him to take care of it, to lead us where He wants us to be. :)

[Isaiah 40: 28-31]

constantly searching.

"there is much we have been given and much we have left behind"

Life is all about transitions, about moving from place of comfort to the unknown, and then just when you become used to your surroundings... thats when its all turned upside down and you find yourself looking for the next new path. I'm looking all right. In every direction, in every state that appears somewhat appealing to my needs. Last year, I felt as if I came to Mankato, Minnesota (which is where I am currently attending college) for a reason. That God led me here for a purpose. And I still believe that is true... I gained a lot out of the experience I have had here so far. Last semester I found myself in a way I never thought I would. I felt God wrap His arms around me, and for once my life made sense. I had a purpose, and I was content. I trusted completely in Him, and didn't doubt that His plan was perfect. I lost that this past summer, amidst chaos, constant activity, parties, and not stopping to breath, more importantly - not stopping to give God the time He deserved, or rather any at all. I'm searching Him again, seeking Him out, and trying to get back to the place where life makes sense. In the process I am also searching out a new adventure. I don't feel content in my surroundings anymore - instead I feel surrounded by people who don't know who I am, who probably never will, and who probably don't care to know the desires of my heart. I have been given roommates who I get along with, and that is a blessing, but I don't feel that this is where I belong anymore. I am ready to try something different. To carry out my education in a new environment, to once again find myself and give myself a chance to be who I want to be. Here I feel trapped, enclosed in a bubble where I am not allowed to grow or expand. I want out. And so here I am - again searching, and reaching towards the next transition. Trying to find the next perfect fit in my life. I need God. Deeply. Desperately. Because I know, when I find Him... He will help me find my answer. Because doing this on my own is eating me up inside. I have cried every day for the past week and a half (possibly more). I have barely had an appetite, and more than once I have thrown up what I've eaten, just because I have been so upset. I think its making me physically sick, not just emotional. I am drained. Worn out, and without a clue as to what to do. The last couple days have been a little better. I feel more at peace, like I am moving in a direction that is getting me somewhere, even if only baby steps. But I am still not content. I miss my family. I think I've called my parents more the last few weeks than I did in months last year. I talk to them more than I did this summer on a daily basis... I need people who care. And those people just aren't here. There is a select couple, but I still feel alone. My life is a serious of stages. And this is a new one for me. Not even my senior year did I spend so much time searching out schools, and trying to decide which one was best for me. I chose on a whim, because at the time I really didn't care. I had more important things on my mind. So in a sense I feel like this is all new for me, which is probably another reason why I am so stressed about it. I don't have a clue about what I'm doing. But thats what life is about right?? Experiencing new things every day, and in the process learning more about yourself, your limits, and how far you can reach, how much you can handle. I am reaching towards the unknown, and trusting God will provide. He doesn't give you more than you can handle, so I know I'm going to make it... I have to make it.

i think i... can't.

i'm supposed to go over to my aunt and uncles tomorrow.
to look through stuff that i could possibly take to college.
a bed. some old dishes. some old silverware. and the like.
its very nice of danny to offer me all of this stuff. its just.

i haven't been inside of that house since the funeral...
she passed away 1 year. 4 months. and 10 days ago...
my mom asked me what time i wanted to go - i got mad.
crawling in bed a little while ago, i could not sleep at all.

i don't think i can go in there without losing it.
just thinking about it makes me start bawling.
i seriously miss her so much, and that house...
it holds so many frickin' memories - good and bad.
i spent a lot of time growing up in that house.
so many laughs. smiles. games. special moments.
and then there are those last few months...

all in all, my emotions go crazy when i think about it.
i really don't know if i can go in there.
you would think by now i would be ready - but idk.

this is driving me crazy...
its things like this, moments like this when i have to face the reality and the emptiness of her being gone that i can't handle it sometimes. its too much. its overwhelming and it still feels wrong. things aren't supposed to be this way. i don't want to walk into that house and feel the emptiness. feel the hole where she's supposed to be. i don't want to sit across the room from danny and see how lonely he really is. he made a comment tonight bout how he went to clean the downstairs bathroom and it was really dirty - he's like, yea i guess most people have wives for that. she should be there. why isn't she here?? my mom commented that her and my dad have had to restart in finding friends they hang out with, because her and my dad did everything with danny and karen. and now she's gone. its a piece of the puzzle that will always be missing. there will never be a completed picture. none of us will ever be the same. and it really hurts sometimes. i just miss her a lot. all the time, but more times than others. and this is one of them. i'm scared of facing something i have been avoiding... i just really don't know if i'm strong enough. i just don't.

a hug would be nice.

sometimes a few words are all you need...

i feel empty and alone. whether i am surrounded by people, or sitting in a room all by myself there is this hollow place inside of me. i just want to be held. i want someone to put their arms around and tell me everything that will make these feelings go away. i joke about the decisions i have made/are making but inside it tears me apart. i am not content. i am not okay. i want to be someone, not just anyone. same old story - different day, different year, different month. same haunting questions, same repeating circumstances. i want more. i need more. i deserve more. and i don't know what to do right now. i just need someone. when are they going to come?