take a chance on me.

you're standing at the door of my heart, and i'm looking out the window - watching you. it's cold out there, without love and running out of time to change my mind. it must hurt. watching the years pass us by, different girls and different guys - never slowing down to reflect. rewind. retry. i would give it to you if i could, everything and more. but inside the corners of my heart, i'm afraid that it is not warm. i can't promise pleasure, a life without pain. i can't give you a guarantee. but, i would like for you to take a chance on me. even though, i don't know, if i will answer the call. you stand there - patiently waiting, like you always have, and probably, always will. a man that can't be moved... i believe the song goes. and so, sing to me a melody of your own. show me harmony, you and me, and years yet to be. i want to know we can make it. i want to believe, its worth it, to try. for me, commitment has always been an issue, subconscious and avoided. i make excuses for my lack of experience. with boys. (or at least, dating them). i would rather settle for mere pleasure, now and again. yet, that is not satisfactory either... is it? so i guess i lose. have been losing. will keep on losing, until someone changes my mind. maybe, that someone is you... who stands at the door of my heart, peering into the glass, a mirror of yourself and the reflection of me. and i, well, i like the view from here. it's safer this way. sheer comfort in the presence of my loneliness (contentment). all around me is patience, or fear (as you would say). i like to pretend, though, it's all okay. to be, here - alone. in this world of play-it-safe, and protect-your-heart. for, my heart has broken before. i've let someone in the door (the one you stand behind), briefly and still - pieces gone, never to mend, to recover, or find again. so why should i do it? why should i try? is it worth the tears. the frustration. the fighting, the arguments, the lies. i know, you say you'll never hurt me, you say you'll always try, to be, a man. my man. now and forever. but baby, promises are broken every day...

KLM.

i have almost an entire cd case devoted to you. or rather, half a case comprised of your generous contribution to my music repertoire. and, even though i lost the first and most important... i have a case of m---- loves k---. my own personal entourage of mixes. and bands. burned, from you. for me. it is, a case of variance, not only in the genres of music represented, but also in the feelings they symbolize - a case of caring. a case of healing. a case of smiles. a case of "keep me forever's". a case of musical drugs, mending any kind of pain and speaking to any pleasure. yes, musical drugs: the kinds of songs that can conform to any mood. the kinds of songs that tear you apart and at the same time, put you back together. songs that bring you to tears, even without knowing why. songs that you are addicted to for periods of time - days, weeks, months. you put them on repeat. you can't get enough. and when you move on to something else, somehow, your original loves find you once again. musical drugs: they touch your heart and warm your soul. they reach deep within and grasp a hold of all the unspoken words you barely knew existed... they pull out your insecurities and leave them out in the open, and somehow it’s okay. they make you feel safe. they make you comfortable with the unknown. suddenly, feeling is no longer something to fear. suddenly, you want more.

in a way, that’s what you do to me. you reach inside and pull out pieces of myself that i never even knew existed. you challenge who i am, and who i want to be. you hold me accountable. you make it okay to feel, to struggle, to speak... there will never be another you. you're like a musical drug. you can't be replicated. can't be explained. (mr. amazing) my own secret smile, wrapped inside my head and buried within my heart. you send me songs for every tear, every smile, every question. like little paper planes, unfolded, read, and heard; playing through my speakers, seeping inside... how do you know me so well? this is how my heart beats. and this is how you beat back. time after time. without fail. our conversations, always a multitude of possibilities. they reach deep. dance along the surface. bounce from, lighthearted. to serious. flirtatious. honest. questioning, and then back again. and, how is it? words flow like water into wine. no longer bland... suddenly you can taste it, whatever it is. sometimes, sweet. bitter. strong. weak. but, it gets to your head. you can feel it. it’s unexplainable. our friendship – unique, indescribable, yet perfect. "theatre couldn't write stories so fantastic as this one..."

and words can’t describe stories as fantastic as this one, i don’t believe there are a combination of words superior enough to describe how our friendship began, how it has grown, and how it continues to surprise me on a day to day basis. even now, i believe my words are failing the subject matter. i have read and re-read, inserted and deleted, all in hopes of making this somewhat appealing, somewhat worthy of the content it describes. perhaps, i have succeeded, and perhaps, i will try again down the road – with more vigor. for now, i can't find a combination of words strong enough to thank you... and at this moment i am unsure that i ever will. i am a better person because of you. you stuck by me, even through the roughest parts of my past, and you’re there in the most unsure moments of my present. you pushed me forward when everyone else was counting on me to fall. you cared when i didn't. you spoke truth when i believed in a lie. you were a light, even when you didn’t even know it. you influenced me, through words – spoken and unspoken. you reached inside and moved my heart... and i will never be the same.

they say: every song ends, but that’s no reason not to enjoy the music. i say: a song only ends if you want it to. so, play on. keep singing. show me something new. move my heart again.

welcome to america.

we make it an obsession, of sorts.
the constant concern of gaining,
while wide eye boys are gazing,
at bodies - never perfect, never right.
we fight to stay aboard the train.
of "look like this, and dress like that",
cut. and shave. and make. -up with
girls who feel just the same, care
about pleasing one thing. for this
is just the beginning of your life,
the call is out, this is only one night.
so eat your pizza. drink your beer.
slam the bathroom door, my dear.
pull your hair back, bend your knees,
this won't be as bad as it seems.
they say, it gets easier after time -
the feeling comes and you just know,
it looked better going down, but now
those handsome, slender, muscled boys
who oodle at your ass like a toy,
will take you home, wine and dine you
because your jeans, they say "size two".
and if one day, you find a boy who
loves you, even if, you've gained a few
or five, or ten, or more, well then -
call that boy a man and thank him.
pull him close, and slam the door,
bend your knees and climb aboard,
the train has come to leave behind,
those images of too skinny a size.

we are the music.

"Memorize some bit of verse of truth or beauty. It may serve a turn in your life." Edgar Lee Masters

there it is. the edge of an open field merging into everlasting evergreens. it's as if one world ends and another begins in one motion, one step. yet, somehow they are linked. incomplete without the other caressing its bounds; feather upon body, sand against the sea, skin against skin. each world vastly incomprehensible to the other, yet somehow inclined to coexist. they combine, even if only for a few yards or miles or seconds... the way the end of each movement in a concerto seeps into the next - the chords echoing into space as new notes resonate, the instruments colliding to create melody and harmony - seperately, unprovoking... together, breathtaking. it's impossible to exist on opposite spectrums without sharing similarities with the contrapositions. the world was not created as individual parts meant to forge their way through space alone and untouched. there is a desire deep within, longing to be fulfilled: to feel the beauty the world has to offer. and that beauty can only be reached when each part, alone, is willing to fuse with another part. briefly, at first - testing the waters. taking one step in, ankle deep, wondering if the unknown is worth the risk. gradually, the water rises because the steps go further in. this is how a heart beats: risk. curiousity. feeling. emotion. all rolled into one and tossed into the world of chance. here is where the beauty lies. and when the breaking happens, tearing at the seams and destroying until the soul is almost irremediable - that is when the merging begins again. and the notes play softly for one another, finding their corresponding chords. and then, music happens. love happens. life happens.

Color the World.

"May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you're wonderful, and don't forget to make some art - write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. And I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself." - Neil Gaiman

At the start of every year, there are millions of people with new years resolutions, millions of people vowing to change at least one aspect of their lives. I am not one of those people. I don't believe in new years resolutions, I kind of feel that when you set yourself a goal like "lose weight" you will just end up getting frustrated with yourself when you don't accomplish what you envisioned on day one. Instead, I believe that I am more successful when I simply do things because I want to, because I have the drive to accomplish them... not because on January 1st I feel obligated to set some goal for myself. Yet, the beginning of a new year can still be significant.

Don't ignore an opportunity to embrace change. Embark on the wings of new possiblities. Don't sell yourself short. Don't let the next year slip by, day by day, without growing. You can always be a better version of yourself. And those dreams inside of you, they are meant to be spoken. They are meant to be embraced... Not ignored. A new year does as it always does - an open, unknown, stretch of months waiting to bring you what you can never imagine. What you think you know now, might be nowhere close to where you'll be a year from now, or even a few months down the road. Don't cut yourself off from the world. Don't shut open doors. Walk through and trust that God has it in control. Life is not a dead end, even when it feels that way. Even when it seems impossible to get up, there is a way. Keep pushing. In every situation, in whatever you do, keep trying. Keep believing. There is always something greater than you. Do not be afraid. Your world is a blank piece of paper and you are the artist. You have the ability to change. To shape. To color.

For me, embracing my world means heading back to school at the end of this week and being the best possible version of myself. Putting my heart into my studies, and more than that - giving my heart to God. This is a brand new semester, and there are things I left when I came home for break and I am more than ready to pick them back up again. I am my own person. And away from those I've known for years, I can be that person. I can find myself. So, as I embark into 2010, and into all the unknown possiblities that await I just want to say Thanks... Thank you God, for giving me another day. Another year. Another moment. Another opportunity to shape my life for you. To continue to discover my potential, to conquer the things I don't even know exist yet. I am truly blessed. I am happy. And this year, should be amazing.

home is where the heart is... kinda.

i love coming home. because, it is, and will always be, my home. i grew up. a large part of who i am lies in these city streets, these neighborhoods, in my family, in my friends, in the house where i grew up. rapid city will always be my home. and so, my heart will always be here in some way. but the heart inside that yearns for the Lord... that heart does not belong here. at least not in this present moment. ever since i went to college, it has been a constant cycle. i feel like, for the most part, i have tried to seek God at school. especially this year, i know that transferring was a calling from God. and my life in greeley, besides all the focus on school, goes to God. i have made it a priority to find a church, and attend it almost every week, and get involved in a bible study. the friends, the only friends i have made, consist of a small group of girls who all seek and openly discuss God. i make time for God there, and not just in groups of people in Christian gatherings... i make time for Him in my personal time. or at least i try a lot harder than i do when i come home... which is barely any at all.

God should be a priority, every day, in every situation. it shouldn't matter where i am, or who i am hanging out with. i should want to be focused on God in everything i do, and with every person i come into contact with. i should make time for Him everyday regardless if i am at my apartment alone or at home with my family. just because other people occupy more of my time when i come home, does not make God any less important. He should be number one, first, above everyone. but often times, i end up putting God on the back burner when i come home. i get so involved in seeing everyone, and doing all these things, that i don't make time for Him. and in the process, i lose what i went away to find... which is myself. the girl who wants to make the right choices. who wants to please God in everything i do. the girl who genuinely cares about everyone, and doesn't get caught up in silly drama or let alcohol affect the way she acts, the way she talks, the way she treats people she loves. inside, i am more than i allow my friends to see when i come home.

i come home and allow myself to fall back into the same patterns. the drinking. the drama. the bad decisions. it really disgusts me actually. and its the same thing every time. this summer my friend and i had this conversation, and attempted to do a bible study... we failed. today, i seriously considered whether coming home this summer is a good idea. i thought it was a for sure thing... yeah, i'm coming home. but now i'm not so sure. i love the people here. i love my friends. but that also means i let things go a lot more easily, just because i do know all those people. i justify things. because i'm home. because i'm safe. because... la la la. sometimes it takes things for God to really grab ahold of you. well, God was grabbing ahold of me today. i felt awful about things from last night ( i won't go into details ). the point is that, God used how i felt today to really ask me to examine my heart. i'm not that girl from last night. or at least, i don't want to be.

i feel like i say this a lot... but the desire of my heart is to be completely consumed with God. and when i'm walking with God, truly walking with God, choices and actions like the ones i've made lately don't happen. my freshman year of college i took a long break from drinking because i felt that was what God was asking me to do. i need to pray about this some more, but i'm kind of feeling that way now. i need to re-center my life on the one who matters. the only one that matters. the one who loves me. no matter what. the one that keeps saying, "Come back Kari... I'm still here. I'm waiting with open arms, and I'm going to get you through this. I love you."

joyful, joyful.

have yourself a merry little Christmas, let your heart be light. from now on, our troubles will be out of sight... through the years we all will be together, if the fates allow... have yourself a merry little Christmas now <3>

they say, its the most wonderful time of the year. in retrospect, i would agree. everyone comes home for the holidays... chances to see friends and family members you have lost touch with over past months, chances to reconnect and spread a little bit of love. everyone gets into the Christmas spirit, or at least - almost everyone. Christmas carols play on the radio. holiday specials at every store. unique Christmas coffee flavors. its the time of the year where snow is embraced with open arms, just in hopes of having a white Christmas. in the spirit of Christmas, you find that you give a little more of yourself. you're more open to people. you go out of your way to make everything as good as possible. you take risks. you spend a little extra. all in hopes of making it the best Christmas ever. sometimes, you expect little - only concerned about giving all that you can. and in those times, often, that is when you receive the most. in light of expecting nothing, i think that often God blesses us when we least expect it. we set ourselves up with little promise, and He surprises us with His blessings in different ways... in an unexpected gift. a phone call. extra hours at work. coffee with an old friend. a beautiful day. and in reflection of all the things God gives us, the most amazing gift He has ever given us is Jesus. after all, that is the true meaning of Christmas. so often we forget why Christmas is such an exciting time, why we give gifts, why we get together with family. we get so caught up in the hustle and bustle that we forget to slow down and remember why we're celebrating in the first place.

in the past few years, Christmas has changed a lot for me and my family. when my aunt passed away, suddenly things got a lot harder... it became more of a challenge to remain joyful during the holidays. i've noticed it this year for some reason - my brother has been anti-Christmas music, or anything that really has to do with Christmas. my family as a whole has lost a lot of interest in going to church on Christmas eve. i think its just a reminder that we're not complete. in lieu of the holiday season, we're missing a vital part of our family. and every service, they sing silent night. and you would think it would get easier to hear, but for me, its not. i hear my aunts favorite song, and tears still come to the surface. and every Christmas, i make cut-out cookies, because its what karen and i always did together, for as long as i can remember. its hard to do it, honestly. but i feel like i have to, in memory of her. because Christmas is a time to remember. a time to cherish. a time to be joyful, and grateful for all the blessings God has given us. to remember that we get to see our loved ones again someday because He gave us the ultimate gift of Jesus... to be born, to live, and to die... for us. that is the beauty of Christmas everyone, try to remember it. let your heart be light. count your blessings. thank God. delight in family. be kind to a stranger. go out of your way to impact someone's life, just like Jesus impacts ours, each and every day. because really, Jesus is the reason for every season, for every day, for everything.

Ruddy.

Growing up, I remember asking for a puppy every Christmas and birthday, and my brother did the same. We used to write it on our list and hand it to our parents, knowing they would say it wasn't going to happy but doing it anyway. We thought, someday, they would give in. As we started into our teenage years, however, the hope of that dream ever coming true began to decrease slowly... until we gave up. I went to college, and my childhood dream of having a puppy of my own seemed lost with my innocence and carefree days ... ha. But then, a new tactic came into play - the importance of a hunting dog. My brother and dad both being avid hunters, it seemed reasonable. Of course, I did my damn best to help the proceedings, because that meant a puppy would finally reside in our pet-less abode. This spring, the same week I came home for summer vacation, we brought home a black lab... Ruddy. The cutest thing you had ever seen. Even in the first couple weeks, he never whined at night, something very unusual for a pup who has just been taken away from his mother. He was amazing. Only peed inside twice, or so. Of course, it wasn't all fun and games... with a household of people unaccustomed to a pet, there were some adjustments to be made. Especially with four people with working schedules. At times, it was a hassle. But we survived. We played. We laughed. We scooped poop. We fell in love. He was everything we ever wanted, and more. Our own little romping pup of fun. As expected, training for hunting had to begin. So Ruddy went away to puppy school for three months, right when I went to college in August/September. He was able to come home on weekends, and I had the privilege of seeing him every time I made the trek back. Always full of life, and excited beyond belief to see me and anyone he encountered. Tail wagging, jumping and licking, he was a joy to come home to. A soft, cuddly, loving pup. Over thanksgiving I got to just cuddle with him, and I was so thrilled to come home for Christmas break knowing that he would be done with puppy school. A whole month of Ruddy!

Wednesday I got a call from my dad... he was at the vet with Ruddy. Ruddy had fallen over going to the bathroom, and my dad had to go over and pick him up. Obviously, he knew there was something wrong. The fear was that it would be hip problems, common amongst dogs/labs, etc. It wasn't, but what it was was much worse... Ruddy had torn the tendons in the knees of both of his back legs. How it happened, well, we will never know. The diagnosis continued to speak bad news... it would only get worse, and the only means of fixing it equals a six to seven thousand dollar surgery, three thousand plus for each leg. We can't afford that. And even if we could, for each leg Ruddy would have to stay still for 3 months to let him heal, and that's not fair either. I didn't know how bad it was until I got home today. My dad took him out to pee and kept holding up his left leg. Needless to say, its not good. We've all been crying all day. I sat with him on his rug for a long time, and he put his paws and his head on my lap, and I lost it. Just looking at him breaks your heart. Because our only option is to put him down... sooner or later, most likely sooner because its just going to get worse until he won't be able to go to the bathroom anymore.

It doesn't make sense you know? We waited so long to get a puppy and made sure it was what we wanted to do... my dad checked out the guy he got it from, and the pedigree for the mother was good. Ruddy was even born on my Aunt's birthday... we thought for sure that was a blessing from God. Now, it looks like he will be going to join my Aunt in heaven. I really don't understand. He is the most well behaved, loving dog ever. (okay, i realize most people would say that about their dogs... but at least, if you're a dog lover you understand). I just fell in love with him and now he's going to be taken away. And he's so happy, and acts so normal in all other aspects that its just so surreal. Blah. Idk when this is going to happen, but my whole family could use some prayers. I can't even imagine people who have had their dogs for years and years, except maybe this would be easier if he had lived a long life... he's just a puppy. He's not even a year old... how can this be happening? I love my little Ruddy-dog. I love him so much. And this sucks...

What A Friend.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7

This morning I awoke to a loud banging on my door. Awaking from sleep, this can be quite alarming. It was 8 AM, and clad only in shorts and a see-through white tank top, I quickly ran to answer the door. It was my neighbor, needing me to move my car. Peering outside I saw that the world was white - white as snow... lots and lots of snow. I grabbed my keys, a nearby jacket, and snow boots and went outside. I think I must have looked quite, interesting to say the least. Hair disheveled. Shorts and snow boots in 6+ inches of snow. Still wearing my retainers, which I of course forgot about until I started talking to him. Nice. I crawled back into bed and slept for another two hours... and when my alarm went off, I thought of the snow in contrast to the warmth of my bed, and seriously considered skipping church. But, the Lord was telling me to stop being lazy and get out of bed. (in some way or another). So, I ventured out into the winter wonderland and made it to church. And, boy am I glad I did.

The verse above is one of, if not my ultimate, favorite. Those are the verses I have clung to for years... in the midst of little problems, little worries, or large-scale life changing complications and changes. Those words have been my comfort, my guide. And this morning, my pastor gave a whole sermon on those two verses. I could have screamed. What luck! It's wonderful to delight in God's word, but to really take it apart and examine what lies under the surface is where true understanding is reached - where your heart is really challenged. Needless to say, I felt convicted this morning.

My pastor posed this question, and so I'm going to lay it out here as well: What is your instinctive response to fear, anxiety, and worry?? In other words, where do you turn in the midst of these feelings? In my own personal experience, it is easier to turn to other people and other things. Comfort foods. A call to a friend. A glass of wine. Sleep. A rantful blog. But, the thing we seem to forget about most often is Jesus. The power of prayer. Yikes, right? Yeah... that's how I feel. Too often I find myself engaging in simplistic prayers that barely brush the surface, when really prayer should be like breathing - you should want to welcome Jesus into EVERYTHING, to be real, open, and brutally honest about our feelings and emotions. When we keep things from Him, we are basically saying that we are happy with a superficial relationship with Him. Worry about things in place of God, is putting those things as Idols. Uh oh...

I don't want to preach to you. That's not my job, or my calling. But God was working in my heart this morning, and I felt inclined to share. To see God is amazing. To know God is amazing. To realize that He is working in your life, is inspiring... encouraging. I am guilty of not running to God in the midst of my fears, and anxieties. I will pour my heart out to my friends, or to my journal/blog... but I am hesitant to pour it out to God. God is the first place I should be running, to lay everything down at His feet and ask for His help. And furthermore, I should be thanking Him for who He is. That I have a friend so amazing, so loving, that He would take all of my weight onto His shoulders. He possesses the power to fill us with peace, with joy, in spite of everything the world throws on us. But, so often, we ignore that.

We are in need of a deep prayer life. An ongoing, intimate, relationship with God. Just as we would form a relationship with a friend, we need to be honest with God in order for that relationship to grow. I want that. A friend like that... a friend who will never fail me, never leave me, never forsake me... a friend who will always love me unconditionally, no matter what. What a gift. What a joy! We can never lose God. Ever. He is always there. And to delight in that should be our constant desire. It is possible to live a life free from worry, anxiety, and fear... it is possible through God. All things are possible through God, if only we are willing to run to Him - continually, over and over again. You have been given a gift - don't take Him for granted.

A Cordial Cup

Let me start off by saying this: I am a coffee addict. And I mean that wholeheartedly. It is serious enough that I have looked up "Caffeine Addicts Anonymous" on the e-net and tried to figure out steps to decrease my caffeine (coffee) dependence. I blame this addiction on my mother, who started me off drinking coffee at a young age - always saying that she would rather have me drinking coffee than pop. Which, I would agree to as well. As a result, I never, or rarely, drink pop. So I suppose that tactic worked out well. However, it has left me with an extreme addiction to coffee. Which of course, has led me to form a rather opinionated view on how I like my coffee. To be truthful, I am rather versatile. If there is coffee to drink, I will drink it - in some form or another. At home, I drink it one of two ways - either black (straight up) or with vanilla soy milk (my favv). It's inexpensive. It's grand. It makes my mornings worthwhile. Still, I do treat myself to coffee on a regular basis... at least once a week. Being a college student, I require a lot of coffee to stay alert and on top of my task. And as wonderful as a fresh pot of coffee is, it gets boring to simply make pot after pot on a daily basis. (yes, i just said i can drink multiple pots of coffee a day. guilty). And so, I buy coffee.

Now, here is where the real issue comes in. Making coffee at home is the easy part - unless you have a fancy latte machine, or coffee maker, your choices are limited, and you learn to delight in simplicity. However, when you go out and buy coffee... suddenly you are presented with a world of options. Regular Brew. Iced. Latte. Americano. Espresso. Cappuccino. Flavoring. How many shots of espresso. What kind of milk. Special Holiday flavors. New drinks. The list goes on and on... How does a coffee lover ever choose? Honestly, its not that hard. Because, coffee lovers know what they love whereas amateurs are more prone to explore. I mean, I will venture every now and then and try something new - but I know what I like. Those drinks are my friends, and I hold them dear to me. So. Normally, I enjoy either a regular cup of Joe (with cream) or i will mix it up with a shot of Vanilla. Or, if I am getting a latte (which I LOVE to do), I most likely will get Vanilla or Irish Creme. Now - where is the best place to get coffee? 

Coffee lovers, stand your ground. Own your coffee of choice. But this is my opinion. First of all, I have to admit that Starbucks has enjoyed a lot of my business... 1) Because my Uncle gives me a Gift Card every year for a $100 2) The two colleges I have attended have/had locations very close to school. aka The Convenience Factor. So... I am guilty of supporting corporate coffee. However, this is not my choice, or love. I greatly prefer, by a hundred times, non-corporately owned businesses. By that I mean - no franchises. No Dunn Bros. No Starbucks. No Caribou. No Panera. Anywhere that sells coffee across the world does not get my vote. I prefer little, locally owned businesses. In my hometown, we have little coffee huts everywhere, owned by different people. Super cute, drive up facilities, that I believe, make some of the best coffee around. To me, it tastes better. Unfortunately I have never worked in a coffee shop (tragic, i know) so I can't tell you what the distinct difference is (variance of ingredients, etc). But, I can just tell you its better. Another reason I think this is, is due to the quality of service, and customer appreciation.

For example. I have been in Greeley now for a whole semester, and so naturally I have been using the said gift card given by my uncle for my little coffee breaks throughout the year. Starbucks has been my friend, my savior, in desperate times of studying needs. However, I have been lacking... craving for something more. A few days ago, I found it. Nestled behind a Walgreens a few blocks from my house... is Your Place Coffee. A tiny venue with a few tables, and a couple couches. The atmosphere is perfect, and I was greeted with a friendly face. I went there two days in a row, and already the girls at the counter knew my name. That, right there, is part of the difference. I bet you I went to Starbucks consecutive days in a row on multiple occasions throughout this semester and saw a variety of different employees, and none of them ever knew me. There is something about getting a cup of coffee from someone who is genuinely in the business to serve. Who created the establishment because they enjoy that kind of connection, and who have hired people who enjoy the same. And so, whether the coffee turns out better or not, I am more willing to support those small businesses. Because they're in it for people (most of the time). I feel better on spending my money on coffee that is made by people who recognize my face and ask how my day is going, then a corporate business that is all about expansion and increased revenue. I love coffee, but I love it more coming from people who love it too. I believe the atmosphere contributes to an excellent coffee experience... and that is why I prefer little coffee cafe's/huts to businesses like Starbucks. 

Coffee is very important to me, and I take it seriously. I am an addict. I am a lover. I am a friend. An avid supporter. A frequent flier. A life-long subscriber. Coffee makes the world go round. Coffee is God's way of telling me He loves me :) Coffee gives me beautiful mornings, wonderful conversations with friends, enjoyable evenings, strength to study. There is something about the simple aroma, the warmth that gets me, time and time again, keeps me coming back for me. Coffee = Love, and I believe it is important how you go about drinking it. Choose wisely my friends, the right cup of coffee can make a world of difference.

friends vs. lovers

Chances are, most of us have been involved in platonic friendships in our lives: close, involved, non-sexual relationships with a member of the opposite sex. These friendships are rare and special, they provide a friendship that is not possible with members of the same sex. They are a breath of fresh air. And, they are often met with skepticism from others. You know, "There is no way you guys are 'Just Friends'" Or the constant inquiry - "Are you sure you don't like him?" It can start to become very frustrating, constantly trying to explain that you really are, just friends. Yes, platonic friendships are tricky. And some might simply deem that they are not possible, because, at some point, one person ends up falling for the other. I both agree and disagree with this statement. 

I think that often times we start to question our feelings for the other person because of other people that doubt the relationship. When you are constantly having to deny you care about someone as more than a friend there is a part of you that second guesses yourself. We are just friends (aren't we?). If other people are questioning your platonic relationship, does that mean you should too? Do they see something you don't? Furthermore, when you become so close to a member of the opposite sex its hard not to entertain ideas that exceed beyond friendship. It's how we are programmed. Females are attracted to males, and males are attracted to females. (Yes, duh.) And obviously, when you come to trust someone so much in a friendship it is easy to wonder if you would be just as compatible as more than friends. There is a reason why you make great friends, so would you make great lovers? Hmm. :) 

Throughout my lifetime, I have dealt with these kinds of questions on multiple occasions. In one example, a four year friendship actually did lead to both of us developing feelings for each other and taking things to the next level. Sometimes, it really does work for relationships to develop out of friendships. But, I ended up losing that person as a "significant other" (or whatever we were for the time being), and as a friend. Which brings another complication into the picture. If you do develop feelings for the other person, what do you do about it? You could risk the friendship for something more in hopes of finding something great, or... you could risk your relationship and lose it all. In that case, I'm not really sure its worth it. Often times, I think these rare friendships are worth more than risking losing them entirely. But, I guess thats your call. 

And then, there are the friendships that really are just that - friendships. That person is someone you can count on. Someone you can call. Someone you can have fun with, just hang out, relax, chat, grab dinner. That person is someone special in your life. You always have a good time. On some level, you love them in a platonic way. And through this wonderful connection, you start to wonder if you have more feelings. In my thought process, often times I just think - they are such a good friend, maybe I should like them. But I think underneath it all, there is a reason why I am just friends with those boys. On some level, I know that it really wouldn't work out. But, that doesn't keep me from wondering. And I think that is only natural. Because sometimes things do reach the next level, sometimes best friends really do become more than friends. 

But if it doesn't happen for you, stand strong. If you really are, "just friends" with a member of the opposite sex, know that its okay. Platonic relationships are possible, despite all the skepticism. I think that the people who constantly question you, are just jealous. :) So, stick up for your friendship. Delight in knowing that you are lucky enough to have a rare friendship with a member of the opposite sex. Friendships with the opposite sex give you something that your girlfriends or guy friends cannot, because males and females are different, and we correspond in different ways. And that is something to treasure. Sometimes, friends do turn into lovers. And sometimes, friends do remain friends. Either way, its a good thing. So delight in that. 

I'm not really sure if this made sense... ha. But I have really been struggling with my past friendships with boys, and friendships in my present. Due to past situations, current situations, intricate conversations, and questioning motives, its hard not to wonder. Plus, a woman's brain is constantly going. Thanks God :) Just had to put some of this into written form. Any thoughts? Loves everyone.

just keep on smiling.

i feel as if when you go to extraordinary lengths to make sure all things are in order, that you, yourself, is in order, and that you have set yourself up for success - that is when something goes wrong. it's comical actually. i made myself a to-do list last night to make sure i didn't forget anything this morning. i got up at 6 o'clock instead of the normal 6:45/7ish to make sure i showered and still had time to pack my car and put everything together. (yes, i am going home today!). i also bought a brand new pair of boots last night with my new Payless employee discount - 50% off equals the cutest black boots, for $20. naturally, i wanted to wear them today. so i picked out the perfect outfit to accompany them. yes, an outfit really can start with only a pair of shoes. :) well. i left my house extra early to fill up with gas to save time after class, and splurged on a triple venti non-fat vanilla latte from starbucks, totalling $4.84. i was 5 minutes late to class because of it, but that was okay - because i had my saving liquid in a cup, and i looked cute. half way through glass, the girl sitting next to me elbowed my coffee and in a matter of seconds i was now wearing my four dollars and 84 cents, hot liquid ALL over my shirt and pants. the girl felt bad; and she gave me four dollars. i said it was fine, really, i was just laughing to myself. it seemed ironic. something like that would only happen when i really wanted to wear what i was wearing, and when i had spent a dollar more than normal... lol.

needless to say, i had to go home and change, and spray my clothes, so i can soak them tonight when i get home. as a result, i missed my nine o'clock class. but it's okay. because its a beautiful day, its going to be almost 57 degrees. and after chemistry (which i have in fifteen minutes), i am heading to Fort Collins, picking up Cam, and heading home! and that just makes this day still perfect. and i have a new latte in my hand, and the world is okay. no reason to get upset over little things. i mean, its annoying, but not upsetting. there are worse things. and i think that is the important thing to remember. that things could always be much worse - and sometimes we get so worked up over things that don't even matter, and we end up just wasting a lot of energy to be negative when really, there isn't any reason to act that way. i don't know. i'm just grateful for all this day has to offer, and the beginning of it just adds something comical.

its friday people! thanksgiving is less than a week away. its that time of the year when christmas carols start playing, and everyone is bright and cheery (or rather, is supposed to be). it's time to give people a break. smile instead of frown. and live life. get into the holiday spirit. smile at a stranger. just be THANKFUL for everything you are given. family. friends. beautiful november days. God is good. and if you just look around, i'm sure you would see that. loves!