memories, not goodbyes.

we have all been there. experiencing the lost connection of a relationship. recently, i have been dealing with losing a friend. and i know that people close to me are dealing with the same thing. furthermore, friends of mine dealing with break-ups are going through it too. and so i have been struggling with dealing with this on my own, i have been trying not to care, but in reality - i care more about this than a lot of things. my friends and my family are my life, and letting them go... not really an easy thing to accomplish. so i think i've collected my emotions over the past few days enough that i can write about this in a way that other people are going to understand, instead of just blabbering my emotions across the screen. so here goes nothing ::

people on the outside of the situation tell you to let go. they tell you to just move on. they tell you : you are better than that. you don't deserve to be treated that way. we've all heard, its a common response. and we are expected to believe it is as simple is that - to just let go of the people you care about. your boyfriend or girlfriend, the one you have loved for the past three years. the girl or boy, the friend who has been there through thick and thin. the cousin or the aunt or the sibling, the family member who has stood by your side. all the ones who once made up your heart, your soul, your everything. people on the outside tell you to get over it. they tell you, you'll find someone new. they tell you people can be replaced. maybe its because they think that's what you want to hear - that hearing those words makes it easier, or at least cements into your brain that its not worth your tears. not worth your time. not worth your pain. not worth your worry and your heartache. but maybe they are wrong. maybe those are the completely wrong words.

maybe what we need to hear is : it is going to be hard. it is going to take time. and you might not ever get over it. because when you love someone, when you care about someone - you give them a piece of who you are. you give them pieces of your heart. because real friendships, real relationships are all about giving everything you have. and no matter how much time passes, no matter how much you heal from it, there is always a part of you that you will never get back. because in any relationship, there is give and take. and when its over, you can't just take back all that you have given - especially when its not tangible. so when a relationship ends you lose a part of yourself. and it hurts. you are parting with a piece of who you are, and what will always be a part of you. relationships, friendships, acquaintances - they shape you. they make you. they allow you to grow. they teach you. and part of that process comes with losing those connections. and its not easy. and it will never be easy. no matter how many times it happens, it won't stop hurting. because you are a human being. you have feelings. you have needs. and you have expectations. and when someone disappoints you, when someone leaves your life - you're going to fall before you learn from it. you are going to cry before you talk about it. you are going to get mad before you appreciate all the good things that came from it. its natural, and its going to happen that way. so don't push it aside, don't just move on. take your time - work through it. and accept that you might not ever get over it completely.

losing a friend hurts. (just like a significant other). and its hard to stop putting effort into a relationship that has existed for so long. that's the hardest part for me - because i fight for my friendships. i give them everything i have. honestly, a lot of the friendships i do have i believe exist because i have been the one to fuel the fire a majority of the time. because sometimes that's what it takes. you have to fight for the relationships that mean something to you. because when you give up, they die. but there comes a point when the fighting has to stop. and that's where i'm at. i don't want to just give up. i don't want to give in and accept losing someone i care about. but a relationship takes two people. and while one can fight, the other has to respond. if they don't... then one day, you wake up and you realize that its time to leave it be. maybe, someday, they will come back. maybe someday they will realize on their own that they miss you - but until then, sometimes you have to stop pushing. i have to stop pushing. i have to stop caring. i have to stop worrying about what i did wrong, or what i should have done to change it. i have done all i can. and i have to be okay with that. i have to appreciate the friendships i still have. the ones who really are there still. i have to realize i'm not alone. i have to realize i'm going to be okay.

we are all going to be okay. every lost relationship is just a bump. just a learning curve on the road of life. some are more memorable than others. some cause greater impact than the rest. but they are all a part of our journey. and no matter how many miles seperate us from them, there is no changing that. so we can be greatful for those road marks and keep on moving. towards whatever lies ahead, whatever might come across our paths. the road is long, and there is no reason to stall forever. we are all going to make it. :)