God Knows.

I knew who I was this morning, but I've changed a couple times since then. -Alice In Wonderland

life is constantly changing, even throughout the course of the day. how you feel when you roll out of bed could be completely different from how you feel at the end of the day. sometimes thats a good thing (you know... rough mornings) or sometimes it can be more frustrating, and you just want the day to end... to crawl back into bed and hope that in the morning things will start anew. and sometimes thats all you need. a fresh start. a fresh start to a day, or perhaps a fresh start to life and where you're at. but sometimes - even if you know thats what you need, you really don't want to follow through with it. its easier to continue with your routine, its easier to stay where you are comfortable, no matter how much you don't want to be there... its familiar. and sometimes that matters more than stepping out of the box. [i'm rambling. i know. i apologize.]

i went to visit colleges this last weekend... which turned out to be singular, college. the plan was to visit University of Northern Colorado (Greeley) and the University of Wyoming (Laramie). well... laramie got about a foot of snow and the roads there got closed, so i didn't get to check it out. super bummed... everyone told me i would like it best, everyone thought that would be the one i would pick. i got to see greeley though, and i really liked it. which makes me wonder even more about laramie. i guess i'm taking it as God closing a door... i have been praying that he would makes things about where i was supposed to go, and by not allowing me to go to laramie... i just think maybe God is saying No, Kari. I have another plan. yet, i just have a really hard time ruling that option out or at least not following through by going and touring the campus. which leaves me still without an answer. its really all i have been thinkinga bout since i got back to school. i can't help walking around campus and comparing the two in my head. what's better about there, why would i stay here, pluses, minuses, differences... the list goes on and on. i can't get it out of my mind, its driving me crazy! i'm afraid to say what i think aloud, because i want to be sure before i start telling people or acting like i'm committing to one or the other. i really do think i have some idea... but i'm scared out of my mind. more than that, i want to make sure i'm making the choice God has for me and not just what i want. i want to follow His voice. His calling. His plan. not my own... i've done that before. doesn't seem to work out so well. so prayer. lots and lots of prayer.

Psalm 139: 23 - "search me O God and know my heart, test me and know my anxious thoughts." i was directed there in my devotions today... and i know He knows my heart, He knows my concerns, He knows my worries. He knows where I am supposed to be next fall. and that is what i have to hold onto. that is what we all have to hold onto. God will bless those who follow His calling, when we go our own way we have to be prepared to deal with the consequences. He will continue to work through those choices, but He knows best - so why not just follow Him the first time around! i know, i know what you're thinking - how do you know? my mom told me that He will give you a desire and a peace. a desire to want to go/do, and a peace about it. other than that, i guess you just have to listen. sometimes i'm not really sure either. still one of those things i struggle with. but He will make a way. :)

okay. i don't even know if any of this is making any sense. so i'm going to close out for the night. loveee!