i believe i can fly?

"deep within yourself there is a part of you that can do it. that can reach beyond your comfort-level, beyond your fears, and soar above the norm. you posess the ability to fly. to run. to dream. to lay all of your inhibitions aside, and let go. conquer what everyone tells you is impossible. prove them wrong, more than that - prove it to yourself." - ME

change change change. i feel like that is all i have been talking about lately. maybe because it has been a big part of my life... and it never ends. and as much as i know it is necessary, as much as i know it is something that has to happen, as much as i know that without it i wouldn't be where i am today... i still don't have to like it all of the time. sometimes i really would just like to push pause. push rewind. and then make a decision that keeps me where i am, or keeps other people where i am. i think that is the hardest. because if i know i need to get up and move away, to experience something new, that's fine because it is my decision. not to say its always easy, but i can cope with it better because it is in my control. when other people make the decisions for me... i'm not as okay with that.

one of my best friends from home just called me to tell me she isn't coming home for the summer. i should say that we really only got really close last summer, and then we spent practically every day together over christmas break. i was so looking forward to spending a whole bunch of time with her this summer again. i didn't handle it very well, i'm going to be honest. out of my control, i just start crying on the phone and i couldn't speak because i was trying to hold it in. finally i said i would just talk to her later... got off the phone and bawled. it is a huge dissapointment. and on top of everything else lately, its just like OKAY GOD!? I know that these things have to happen for a reason but seriously?? All at once? it's becoming too much to handle, especially on top of all the final end of the year school stuff i have going on. i find myself not even wanting to put any effort into my schoolwork anymore because i am so overwhelmed with all the extra things i have going on in my life.

that's another thing. i can be so excited for summer, and at the same time i don't want this to end. i'm not ready to say goodbye. i'm not ready to leave this all behind. it is two completely different worlds and i am going to miss this one. the one at home i know will always be there, along with the friends that are a part of it. but this one - it's a little different. and after its all said and done, how many friendships will remain? some of my friends are graduating this year. and they are saying their goodbyes. and its just like it never ends. no matter if you stay or go, there will always be goodbyes to be had, changes to accept. i just really wasn't ready to deal with them at home yet... i thought this summer would be just as good as the last, and now there is going to be a missing piece of my puzzle. especially with the fact that i have gotten so much closer to her this year, she is the person i talk to the most about stuff... and i just really don't want to let that go. she is coming home for two days. TWO DAYS. and that is for her sister's graduation... i just really didn't know what to say. it really sucks. and i don't want to deal with it.

if you can't tell: i'm struggling a bit right now. its hard to see God's plan in all this when right now i feel like i'm just moving forward into a grey area that i have no idea how to maneuver. blah.