reflecting.

"I like living. I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow, but through it all, I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing."
-Agatha Christie

There are small moments when you remember - there is a purpose to all this madness. There is a reason for the tears that come, the heartache you feel, the questions you may never find answers to. There are small moments when you understand that life is worth living. What you have, is more than enough. And you find it again... in being appreciated, in reconnecting with old friends, with a smile, with a hug, with the reassurance of family and the warmth of home filled with love. You find it in the simple moments - flashback to high school as you run along the streets of your hometown with your best friend, as you simply drive and see the beauty, as you realize all you have to be thankful for. There are small moments when you realize life is more beautiful than you could ever describe. Every day - it's all around you. Sometimes, we just need reminders to recognize it.

a hodge-podge of feelings.

I miss the old familiar faces and below the surface conversations.

I miss doing the things I've done my whole life with people who knew me then and know me now. Time passes and people change, but you never forget where you came from. You never forget who influenced the person you are today. I miss knowing where I belong. I miss knowing who to call. I miss being able to drive down the street and enter into a home that almost feels like mine. It's not even about what you do, it's about who you're with.

I dream of the people I've already lost -- the friendships that have dwindled or died completely. The rare lights in the middle of my past that I wouldn't be the same without. The ones who are no longer shining in my present. I dream of the people I want to see. I dream of touch. I dream of laughter. I dream of conversation. I dream of belonging -- a world that makes sense. I dream of people and when I wake up I wonder if one day, they too, will be simply faded memories in a list of the way I used to be and who I used to know.

When we're young, our parents tell us to enjoy it because the real world comes fast. They tell us to enjoy being kids. They tell us to enjoy getting to be immature - not to have to pay for things, to think that that money grows on trees, to see the world simplistically and full of color. They tell us to not rush growing up - and we don't listen. We can't wait for the next step. The next adventure. Imaginative-filled elementary school days fade into middle school dances which fade into the partys, the activities, the friendships, and the drama of high school. And then one day college is upon you, and you find yourself touring schools and looking foward to four years of fun. The time of your life. And how could that ever end?

But it does. And suddenly, you're ready to listen. Now that it's almost too late. You're ready to enjoy being young and enjoying life -- you're not ready for the real world. And as you stand looking foward into the looming future and the uncertainty of what comes next, you reflect on what you've gained, what you've lost, what you've learned, and who you've become. Dreaming. Wishing. Hoping. Remembering. Planning. Being -- caught up with emotions and a jumble of things you want and may never have.

The real world isn't a outline of class schedules. The real world doesn't give grades. The real world doesn't care if you fail or if you succeed. You get to choose. You can go nowhere and no one is going to talk to you about how you're not putting in any effort or how you can do better. You can do anything you want. It's all up to you. Who you take with you. Who you hold onto. What dreams you fight for. What you let go...

I miss things. Already I see parts of who I've been slipping away and as I stand on the edge of my inevitable future I am unsure who I will become, or where I will go. I miss knowing. And at the same time, I love it. The world is wide open. And you can go anywhere from here. And maybe that's the point. Not knowing. Who says the real world is the end of fun? Maybe, it's just the beginning.

If you really want something, sometimes it's worth taking a chance.

To Be Forever Young.

Today is one of those days -- one of those dreary, grey, cloudy days. There are a list of things I need to do, a list of things I have to do, and all I can do is sit in my warm bed and listen to my favorite laid-back melodies. Look at pictures of people I rarely see. Write in my journal - write on here. Today is one of those days -- one of those sit and reflect days. Relax and simply, be.

The holiday season is fast approaching. Thanksgiving is less than a week away. Time once again for food, family, friends, and fellowship. Taking a break from the world and enjoying the life God has given us - surrounded by the people we love. Separate yourself from everything you have to do, and instead, do something you want to do. Do something for someone else. Laugh because you can. Read a book for fun. Do something crazy. Act like a kid again. The world says you have to grow up, but the heart tells you to stay young forever. Responsibility is overrated. Explore your creativity. Use your imagination.

Tis the season to be jolly. I don't know what it is about the holidays, but something inside of me just wants to sit and simply enjoy life. I'm happy for no reason. I just want to have fun with my favorite people. Curl up on the couch with a warm cup of coffee - read a book, watch a movie, sit and talk with your best friend. Go outside and enjoy the cold. Bundle up and take some pictures. Bake cookies. Sing at the top of your lungs. The world is alive and so are you. All you have to do is make the choice to live it. Take advantage of the holiday and spread a little joy. Be happy for no reason. Love and give without expecting anything in return.

Give someone a hug. I love hugs. I think I've said this before (maybe more than once) but sometimes you underestimate the importance of touch. Everyone needs to feel needed. Everyone needs to feel loved. Everyone needs to feel cared for. And sometimes all it takes is something as simple as hug -- the reassurance that someone is there, that someone notices you, that someone wants you to feel special. Hugs can make a huge difference. Hugs can make your day. At least, I know they can make mine. Sometimes I dream about people I miss just simply giving me a hug. Because that's all it takes. One simple thing to let you know you're not alone.

Today is yours. Have the time of your life.

sleepless nights.

Somewhere between awake and dreams I hear your voice like a cascade into the silence - a soundtrack to the restlessnes I can't combat. It quiets the fight, but it can't win.

Where do tired eyes find rest? Beneath the shutters of skin it is dark, but they still see. An aching body burrows beneath blankets and nestles within the worn mattress fold. You can lie still but that doesn't mean stopping motion will stop the mind - thoughts play out like a movie scene. Where are the choices you should have made? Where are your regrets? Where are your fears? They are here, in bed with you.

Climb the mountain that separates the insomnia and the sanity.

Tell the night to back down. To simply, be. Give up the fight and lay still.

The imagination is allowed to run wild, but what will it find? I have found nighttime revelations subject to envoke terror and harm - to bring the tears once again. This is not a time for nightmares, this is a time for dreams. The mind must be stronger than the fear.

Then, perhaps here, I will find those arms that pull me in - holding me until I fade. They can't fight the night, but in this battle tonight, they are the only weapon I need.