someday

there is a girl. the keyboard in front of her is her means of escape. the screen displays her anguish. her fingers can't seem to type fast enough. the music plays softly in the background. no happy chords are struck. slowly... it begins. starting with the thoughts in her head, growing as the tears fall, and as the words appear... a sort of comfort is given. it is as if all her emotions are pouring out of her in every possible way. and she does not want it to stop. here, as she sits staring at the screen... she is in control. life is so confusing. she can't seem to grasp why she has been asked to endure so much. is there never an end? or rather, what is her limit? she's not as strong as she appears. no one seems to know. its her own secret. hidden by the smile. disguised by the laughter. her lips give nothing away. not even a kiss. her heart: a gift... without a recipient. so she continues to wait. an action that has become a part of her. a part of her she wishes would leave. but it never does... it only brings more feelings with it. rejection. pain. confusion. dissapointment. hopelessness... oh yes. the keyboard gives her control. for those few moments she is alone in a world only she knows. consisting of her thoughts, dreams, wishes, and emotions. the things only she can understand. or at least attempt to. there is not always an answer for the questions that torment her mind. hour by hour, day by day, week by week, month by month... year after year. she probably will never know. yet someday. she will stop wondering. because someday. someone will give her a great reason to give away her gift. and then the waiting will be over. and maybe that day. someday. she will sit down at her computer. fingers resting on the keyboard. and simply type the words.
someone loves me.

untitled

The orange and purple sunset peaks over the valley and blurs together forming clouds on the hillside. The sun is setting, closing yet another day, and at the same time bringing in a new star filled night. I gaze up into the sky with my head buried into my knees, allowing only my eyes to peak above. I stare off into the distance as if the sky holds some hidden message, some answer that I have been waiting to find for all these years. Soon the sky is completely black, the sun is gone and now all my eyes see are stars. Suddenly a shooting star scraps the blackness and just like a child I wish upon it; closing my eyes and searching into myself for the one thing I wish would come true. What happens when you don’t know what you wish for? Do those wishes still come true or do undecided dreams hold no promise… Who can continue on when they know not what they are striving for? It’s hard to be undecided, unmoved, unchanged, unwilling to make yourself see what is around you and notice things that should maybe mean something… but somewhere along the line they have lost all hope for ever taking a place in your heart. “When you wish upon a star…” it’s comforting to believe that they take a hold of your soul and make its deepest wishes come true. If only happiness was found that easily: Wrapped up in sunsets and shooting stars.



[written on March 30th, 2005]

to trust

you become friends with people due to an initial connection. a common interest, a mutual friend, or simply hitting it off upon first being introduced. over time that friendship grows... as you become closer to each other, confiding in each other... trusting each other. yet no matter how good of a friendship you have, how deeply you respect the other person, sometimes you question their honesty. a statement that is directed so convincingly in tone is sometimes met with doubt in your mind and you begin to wonder... are they being honest with me? can i really trust them? you want to believe you can... yet at times there is there underlying feeling that tells you something is wrong. why? it could be that in fact they aren't always completely honest with you, and that is something you have to deal with depending on the situation. it also could be that maybe you don't always want to believe them, sometimes they are so irritantingly perfect that you want them to screw up... you want them to make a mistake. it would make you feel more like a human being and less like someone who always is trying to measure up to their friend. however there is yet another possible option. perhaps you are not ever entirely convinced about the things people say... you've been hurt before by believing in statements that were in fact false, and now you have a hard time trusting people... no matter who they are. for whatever reason, we don't always trust what our friends say. i don't think anyone does. sure the important things we take to heart, and if you're close to them chances are you believe them 99% of the time. point of the matter being, don't be discouraged if you one day are questioning what your best friend has told you. chances are its a minimal problem and it will pass. we're human beings and we all have doubt. it might not always be the thing we want to posess, but its there. for whatever reason. and you just have to find the source... and deal with it accordingly.

what to be???

utter confusion melts into the happy thoughts... creating this half real, half fake grin that wants to be big and small at the same time. the result is stressful and almost war-like.
"to be or not to be...that is the question."
to be confused, upset, and dissapointed we take certain steps. we dwell on the things that make us unhappy. we remember instances from our past in which we are not proud, or circumstances in which we wish the outcome would have been different, for one reason or another. and not only do we think about our present situation and past mistakes, but we also begin to question ourselves as individuals. asking if there is something that we don't seem to see that is causing all of this hurt and anguish. as if maybe it really is all our fault. something inside that radiates off of us screaming, "hurt me! let-me down! make me cry... i'm not worthy of any better."
sometimes its so easy to be that person sitting silently with a frown, contemplating all these thoughts and feelings that bring us down so simply... but is it easier in the long run???
to be happy, appreciative, and content is a totally different way to travel through life. and you know that road thats a lot harder to travel down, but worth it in the end?? ya. sometimes being happy is that road. sometimes you don't want to be cheery, and full of smiles. sometimes you just want to cry. yet, then there are those days that go by without a smile leaving your face. and you begin to realize how much you have to be grateful for in your life. your friends, your family, your home... etc. etc. everyone has countless and countless reasons to be happy. they just seem to be ignored at the times we need to acknowledge them the most.
life is full of laughter, and pain. for every wonderful moment that you have, there is no doubt that you can come up with a dissapointing memory to go along with it. thats just the way it is. life isn't easy, and sometimes it just doesn't seem fair. going up and down the emotional roller coaster, becomes so exhausting at times you feel as if your going to go plummeting off in order to stop all the sickness you sometimes feel. but you don't. you keep on moving. and truth be told, it will all be okay. maybe not today, maybe not next week, maybe not for a long time. but... it will be okay. one day you'll get the strength and the mentality to realize that you're fine. that you're strong enough to make it through all the crap that gets tossed in your face and you'll realize: you have a reason to be happy. you have a reason to smile... and gosh darnit. thats what you're going to do.

it all falls

Does it ever end?
Days and days go by
With-in each a tear
Born with a thought
Dying slowly down

Dead and then re-born
In some form, constant
Weary and tired
A frustrated heart anchors
And stays down

Subtle lies, visible daggers
Each piercing gradually
In and out
Never letting go
And so they go down

Stay happiness, stay!
Running farther hurts
The pain increases
Terrified and alone
The mouth frowns,
down.

Down
down
down... to stay.

waiting

In life, you have to do a lot of waiting. When you're younger you wait for that new toy, you wait to grow up, you wait for that first kiss... And then things change and waiting gets more and more frustrating. How long are you going to have to wait until you know what college you want to go to? Or how long until you finally find yourself in a a good relationship? Let alone a relationship at all.
Life is full of waiting. Waiting to see what happens next, who is going to dissapoint you, who is going to be there for you when you need it the most. Honestly... waiting sucks. People always say its worth it... one of these days down the road all that lonely time you spent waiting is going to pay off. Just wait, because something better is around the corner...
How do you believe that?? How can you?
Life is full of waiting and hurrying up what happens next isn't in our control.
Unfortuanately...

page by page

do you remember those books you used to read as a child... the ones where you got to decide what happened in the story?
"turn to page 45 to go on the small path. turn to page 51 to go on the boat."
say you decided to choose the boat and you were killed by a monstrous storm... you would simply go back and choose the small path instead and continue on your way. why let the story end when you can go back and choose the better option?

life isn't like that. after you make a decision and turn the page, thats its. theres no going back. that page is cemented down and theres no way you're ever going to be able and go back and change what happened. and sometimes that really sucks. you find yourself questioning what decisions you made and wondering if you're suddenly headed down a path of dissapointment and unhappiness. but you don't know. and thats the worst part. not knowing. some people say that what you don't know can't hurt you... however sometimes i think its the things you don't know that can hurt you the most. because sometimes whats written on the pages isn't in your control. no matter how much you want to write your life story the way you see it happening in your mind... it doesn't work like that. sometimes people have more control over your life than you want to admit. what they do, what they say, how they act, influences the way you feel... they influence your life. and you don't know if thats going to be a good way or a bad way. all you can do is sit there until the next page turns and you slowly begin to discover what's happening next in the story. and like all stories... there are surprises. unexpected occurences. tears. smiles. pain. anger. dissapointment. and you have to be patient to see what happens next. you can't skip over some parts of the book that you don't like.

you have to keep on trudging through it. no matter how awful it sometimes seems.

Breakdown on 42nd Street

The night air was cold and nippy, and a certain overhang seemed to envelop the darkened street as though some sort of presence was there. A young man was the only visible human being one would have saw that night, if they had been out and about. Yet everyone seemed to crawl inside, as if the dark would somehow overtake them. The man walked carefully down the concrete, taking precise steps that would have seemed to be all the same if someone had gone and measured the distance between each. He seemed to be in no hurry to get anywhere, just taking his time, pausing every once in awhile to look at the buildings that surrounded him, or at the occasional leaf blowing by. He kept his hands in his pockets, to warm them, one would assume, and his hat was off to one side covering his right eye. At the corner of 42nd and Phillip the man stopped walking for the first time in a couple miles. A bench was placed there and within the next instant the man took a seat and removed his hat from his head. Then he did something none would have expected. The young man just placed his head in his hands and started to cry. The tears began to flow down his cheeks, starting at his eyes and ending at his lips. He remained that way for quite sometime, until finally he reached into his coat and pulled out a small red box. The young man stared at it for a minute, as if trying to decide whether he should open it or not, but in the end the decision to open it won out, and inside was a perfect diamond ring, with a flawless golden band. And at that moment, anyone would understand what sort of eeriness hung in the air that night, it was the feeling of a broken heart, torn in to pieces, by a love now lost...forever.



[side note: i wrote this a while ago and and it has since been continued into something resembling the makings of a novel. even if it is never finished. ]

quirks & complaints

she's not happy. he's frustrated. you can relate. to the way the world works. how people let you down. agreement with other people's decisions does not always come and in return you're left questioning yourself. wondering, how you've survived this long in a world that is so cruel... so unforgiving, with people who at times seem to do nothing but dissapoint you again and again. why are you being forced to go through all this crap?

she can't stop crying. he doesn't know how much more he can take. you feel like giving up. putting everything in your life on hold in order to get back some of your sanity. the hole of pain you're in seems to be getting - bigger and the light shining down - smaller. suddenly its like you're choking, but you're the only one who realizes it is happening. nobody can save you.

she stops talking. he freaks out. you (on the other hand) realize there is an answer. yes, while in fact the world isn't always the place you wish you were, and sometimes your friends are the ones who seem more like enemies than anyone who is going to help you... you are not alone. we don't always understand why God puts us through all the trials we face in our lives. but the truth of the matter is: there is a reason. and you can make it...

she/he/you know... life isn't going to end because of the way someone treated you. time keeps going even after something horrible happens. you might wish it didn't but it does... and you have to keep moving right along with it. learning from the experiences you go through and figuring out that you just need to learn to be okay with yourself. and accept that God has a perfect plan for you and for your life...

no matter how doubtful that sometimes seems.

love sometimes goes unnoticed

he is surrounded by love. his family. his friends. and God. they all love him. but sometimes he feels so alone. alone and... unloved. maybe its because he gets down on himself. he tells himself he has screwed up too much... done things that make him unworthy of love. he has turned from God in the past and now that he is running to Him, why should He love him? he has done nothing to deserve it. a girl attracts his attention and suddenly brief thoughts enter his head, possibilities of something more than friendship. just as quickly as they enter... they are gone. girls have done more than their fair share of dissapointing him in the past and there is no reason why this should be any different... he has let his family down... not intentionally but he has hurt them, and he doesn't understand how they could still love him. yes, he is surrounded by love. but sometimes he has a hard time seeing it...

when the world pushes so hard around you sometimes its difficult to see past that to all the good things we do have. sometimes all we see is the problems, the pain, the dissapointment. with all that clouding our vision we don't see what God has blessed us with. the people He has placed into our lives to show us love. to show us compassion. to show us that they care... everyone in this world is surrounded by love. if only everyone realized that...

let me introduce you to this girl i know.
i'll start by telling you a little bit about her.
average height. green eyes. light brown hair.
she smiles frequently.
getting her to laugh isn't hard... try it sometime.
she loves black and white photos.
they're preferred to color.
her room is decorated with them.
she likes to look nice.
but she still has her comfy sweatshirt days.
her friends are her world.
yet, she often feels let-down.
and that no one is there to listen.
so she writes it down on paper.
for its the only way to let it out.
words are her life.
she's a happy girl.
she wants to find love.
hopefully, someday she will.
she's been hurt by guys.
more than once.
she's felt betrayed
used
unappreciated
and guilty...
for ever getting involved.
she's made a lot of mistakes.
and from them she has learned.
the world isn't perfect.
neither is she.
but the world keeps moving.
life goes on.
even when she wants it to stop.
it never does.
she loves her family.
even though they sometimes irritate her the most.
she wouldn't be the same without them.
music makes her feel better.
no matter what mood she's in...
there's music for every situation.
and blankets make her feel safe.
sometimes life really brings her down.
but she likes to believe she's strong.
its the only way she keeps on going.
its the only way the smile returns.
and she loves to smile.
she does it a lot.
if you know me... you know its true.

the perfect kiss

you hear it all the time... its everywhere. from disney fairytales to the latest romance novel. your first kiss is special. your first kiss means something big. maybe not in those exact words, but the message is always portrayed. and beyond the wonderful first kiss is every kiss after... boy meets girl. they finally kiss... aww its pure bliss! hello?! has any of these movie producers and story writers ever lived in the real world... or do i happen to be the only person there? i know, i know. stories such as these are made because they sell. they sell because people like me, buy them because of the fact that they are perfect. we all want that. the perfect world. the perfect relationship. so we sit down and let the actors make our perfect dreams come true. we let the writers create these perfect worlds on paper and we let the words lock us in. sure its fine, and i enjoy it... don't get me wrong. but sometimes, its really frustrating. because life isn't like that. life is not perfect. and as for that perfect kiss... i'm still waiting. and no i'm not waiting for my first kiss. unfortuanately i have washed it down the drain along with a more than a couple others...everyone makes mistakes. i've accepted that. but... i still haven't lost hope on that kiss. ya, we'll never be perfect. the world is no where close to perfect and we'll never have the perfect relationship. it's an impossible option. but i think, i hope, that it is possible... to have that perfect kiss. not just an enjoyable, wow they were a good kisser kind of kiss... no. more like, there was magic in that kiss... a perfect kiss. someday i hope i get there. until then... maybe someone should think of writing a story, a "love" story, a "chick flick", that doesn't end perfectly. sure it wouldn't have the "aww that was cute" ending, but it would relate to a lot more people. hold out a little hope for all of us, who haven't had one of those perfect moments yet...