you can't please everyone.

"the people that have known you the longest know you in a way that other people can't because they've seen you change, they've let you change."

i seem to have a habit at slacking off at this blog. it's not intentional, i swear... just one of those things. we'll try and bring it back into focus here. i know at least one person will appreciate it! ;) since my last update LOTS of stuff has gone down in my life. [by that i mean, has happened]

i have been working a lot, which i absolutely hate. it's my sixth summer working there and i'm just over the whole scene. i sit in a little room for almost 12 hours a day, and run a cash register - basically, do absolutely nothing. which is sweet, cuz i'm getting paid for it but i'm reaching a point in my life where i would like to be doing something that requires a little more skill. or uses a little more energy. or exercises my brain in at least some way. not to mention, all this drama is going down. oh did i mention i'm the supervisor? yea... so i get to deal with all of it. basically the girls i'm in charge of are not happy. making the schedule for july is going to be impossible. i wish i could just let someone else deal with it. i hate drama, and i'm not going to play into it. my life quote lately has become :: "you can't please everyone." :)

other than that... I GOT AN APARTMENT IN GREELEY!!!!! things are becoming real now. yes, for those of you who don't know i chose greeley, co as my next place of education - University of Northern Colorado! i went down a couple weekends ago - left at 6 o'clock in the morning. was home by ten at night. apartment in the bag! it was such a God thing, i can't even tell you. my landlord is absolutely amazing. he showed us around town. took me and my mom out to lunch. made us coffee before we hit the road. its a one bedroom apartment in a triplex, like a house. (a 55ish year old couple lives on the top, and a 40 year old single guy lives in one side of the basement, i live on the other) i'm stoked. its in a nice neighborhood, not as close to campus as i would have wanted but its somewhere that i'm going to feel safe - and that i think is important in a town and an area that i know absolutely NOTHING about. God provides, and its amazing. did i mention that my landlord's wife is hopefully getting me a job? she manages payless and they sent me an application in the mail a couple days ago! so hopefully it works out :)

AS FOR MY FRIENDS: there are times when we all get a little crazy - we drink too much beer, sing at the top of our lungs, stay awake until the sun is rising, laugh until our sides hurt, and take hundreds of pictures. and yet, underneath all the chaos, there are relationships that will last. conversations in the dark, secrets shared, and bonds of trust made. and after a night has ended, morning comes and you appreciate your friends. not because they know how to party, but because they know how to be there when it matters. everyone gets a little crazy sometimes, but in the midst of the mayhem of life and all it throws at you - there are those friends who will never back down. who will always show up. who will always be there; open arms and open ears.

i love my friends. i basically have been hanging out with the same people on a daily basis, and its been awesome. i've been neglecting some other people but sometimes i just can't handle the drama. recently i realized that i would much rather spend my summer, and my time here, with people who have remained constants through the last couple years, people who i know are still going to be there, people who actually care about who i am as a person. why waste my time with those who are only friends when its convenient? and especially those people who get upset when i don't see them, who get mad over the dumbest things. so i have been choosing to just not hang out with those people, and yea they are pissed - but i can't please everyone. and frankly i'm having a blast filling my time with those i have been seeing. so yea... the summer is going great.

the only complaint i have is not spending more time with God. me and my friend liz got this book for a bible study - its called "sex and the soul of a woman". deals with sex in today's society and the pressures of engaging in sexual activities with men. something we both struggle with, so we thought it would be a good pick. :) we've both been reading it on our own but still have yet to get together and go through the study part of it. which sucks. idk why, but its so hard to stay focused on God during the summer - i guess there is always a million things to do and He gets put on the back burner. the other day i was really feeling convicted about it, and went and spent a couple hours in the park just reading my bible and journaling. felt so good. it just hurts me to know that i'm not giving Him the attention He deserves, and that i'm struggling as a result. i NEED God. and i want to be focusing on Him. and i just hope that the rest of the summer gets a little stronger in that area. we will see, me and liz are definitely making an effort!

well folks, ta ta for now! i have the day off and its sunny out so i'm gonna get some rays! considering it has rained literally EVER DAY this month. who knows how long it will last today. hopefully i will do this again soon, until then. loves.

dry socket and no sleep.

"you can't expect the world to give you what you want; so often you grow from the things you never could have expected"

well, i got my wisdom teeth out on monday. i thought things were going pretty good but one side (right) of my mouth just didn't stop hurting even with the meds, and yesterday at work it became intolerable. so went in, and ta da! dry socket. well the other side (left) felt fine, i even had the doctor take a look at it while i was in there... but for some reason, i'm pretty sure the same thing is now occuring there as well. what changed in the last twelve hours is beyond me but i have been awake since three... it is now five fifteen and ow! pain! since i obviously can't sleep i thought i would blog, and make some use of my time... i have to work at 7:45, not really sure how that is going to go. not to mention its a saturday so i'm pretty sure the office isn't open. fml.

so summer is here, apparently? i wouldn't know i have spent it recovering from this ordeal, barely done anything i would consider "summery". except getting armadillos already, twice! (armadillos is this locally owned ice cream place for all you non-rapidcitians, and it is absolutely AMAZING. one of the best things of the summer by far, flavor of the days, slush-whips, shakes, the whole biznaz.) but besides that... our family got a dog, puppy actually. twenty years later, i seriously never thought i would see the day, but my dad gave in. black lab. 8 weeks old. most adorable creature you have ever seen. definitely the center of attention this past week. named it ruddy. they are going to train it to be a hunting dog... but i'm enjoying it just as a cute friend while i am home the next few months!

this summer should be interesting to say the least, but its also going to be really good. i'm going to make sure that happens. i already decided i'm not going to put up with drama. one of my girlfriends laughed at me and said good luck, but i'm serious. i know that sometimes drama comes and finds you when you least expect it but i'm not going to deal with it. seriously. my christmas break had drama, and i hated it. there are more important things in life than to deal and fuss over petty little problems. if someone has a problem, we can deal with it maturely or i'm simply going to walk away from the situation. just because drama finds you, doesn't mean you have to entertain it. so i simply am not going to. (am i being unrealistic? i'll let you know how this whole thing works out for me later on lol) life's too short. live every moment. don't act like sixth grade girls who love to create drama. we're adults now. time to start acting like it.

i'm considering jumping in the shower, and then running into town to get lattes for me and my mother. i don't know what else to do at this hour! my mouth is on fire, but i'm pretty sure i'm not going to be able to do anything about that for several hours at least. an early start to my day could be good, and the lord knows i love coffee! plus, i'm sure the mother would enjoy it as well. and perhaps i will take some ibprofen on the way out.... blah. i seriously woke up in bed and was just like, really?? seriously? why, God! OW!!!!! (i'm sure you all care, which is why i am blabbing on about this for two paragraphs... lucky you!) also, this is sporadic and pointless. sleep deprivation is my excuse. i'm gonna peace out for now homies. tty when i know what is going on!

i believe i can fly?

"deep within yourself there is a part of you that can do it. that can reach beyond your comfort-level, beyond your fears, and soar above the norm. you posess the ability to fly. to run. to dream. to lay all of your inhibitions aside, and let go. conquer what everyone tells you is impossible. prove them wrong, more than that - prove it to yourself." - ME

change change change. i feel like that is all i have been talking about lately. maybe because it has been a big part of my life... and it never ends. and as much as i know it is necessary, as much as i know it is something that has to happen, as much as i know that without it i wouldn't be where i am today... i still don't have to like it all of the time. sometimes i really would just like to push pause. push rewind. and then make a decision that keeps me where i am, or keeps other people where i am. i think that is the hardest. because if i know i need to get up and move away, to experience something new, that's fine because it is my decision. not to say its always easy, but i can cope with it better because it is in my control. when other people make the decisions for me... i'm not as okay with that.

one of my best friends from home just called me to tell me she isn't coming home for the summer. i should say that we really only got really close last summer, and then we spent practically every day together over christmas break. i was so looking forward to spending a whole bunch of time with her this summer again. i didn't handle it very well, i'm going to be honest. out of my control, i just start crying on the phone and i couldn't speak because i was trying to hold it in. finally i said i would just talk to her later... got off the phone and bawled. it is a huge dissapointment. and on top of everything else lately, its just like OKAY GOD!? I know that these things have to happen for a reason but seriously?? All at once? it's becoming too much to handle, especially on top of all the final end of the year school stuff i have going on. i find myself not even wanting to put any effort into my schoolwork anymore because i am so overwhelmed with all the extra things i have going on in my life.

that's another thing. i can be so excited for summer, and at the same time i don't want this to end. i'm not ready to say goodbye. i'm not ready to leave this all behind. it is two completely different worlds and i am going to miss this one. the one at home i know will always be there, along with the friends that are a part of it. but this one - it's a little different. and after its all said and done, how many friendships will remain? some of my friends are graduating this year. and they are saying their goodbyes. and its just like it never ends. no matter if you stay or go, there will always be goodbyes to be had, changes to accept. i just really wasn't ready to deal with them at home yet... i thought this summer would be just as good as the last, and now there is going to be a missing piece of my puzzle. especially with the fact that i have gotten so much closer to her this year, she is the person i talk to the most about stuff... and i just really don't want to let that go. she is coming home for two days. TWO DAYS. and that is for her sister's graduation... i just really didn't know what to say. it really sucks. and i don't want to deal with it.

if you can't tell: i'm struggling a bit right now. its hard to see God's plan in all this when right now i feel like i'm just moving forward into a grey area that i have no idea how to maneuver. blah.

God Knows.

I knew who I was this morning, but I've changed a couple times since then. -Alice In Wonderland

life is constantly changing, even throughout the course of the day. how you feel when you roll out of bed could be completely different from how you feel at the end of the day. sometimes thats a good thing (you know... rough mornings) or sometimes it can be more frustrating, and you just want the day to end... to crawl back into bed and hope that in the morning things will start anew. and sometimes thats all you need. a fresh start. a fresh start to a day, or perhaps a fresh start to life and where you're at. but sometimes - even if you know thats what you need, you really don't want to follow through with it. its easier to continue with your routine, its easier to stay where you are comfortable, no matter how much you don't want to be there... its familiar. and sometimes that matters more than stepping out of the box. [i'm rambling. i know. i apologize.]

i went to visit colleges this last weekend... which turned out to be singular, college. the plan was to visit University of Northern Colorado (Greeley) and the University of Wyoming (Laramie). well... laramie got about a foot of snow and the roads there got closed, so i didn't get to check it out. super bummed... everyone told me i would like it best, everyone thought that would be the one i would pick. i got to see greeley though, and i really liked it. which makes me wonder even more about laramie. i guess i'm taking it as God closing a door... i have been praying that he would makes things about where i was supposed to go, and by not allowing me to go to laramie... i just think maybe God is saying No, Kari. I have another plan. yet, i just have a really hard time ruling that option out or at least not following through by going and touring the campus. which leaves me still without an answer. its really all i have been thinkinga bout since i got back to school. i can't help walking around campus and comparing the two in my head. what's better about there, why would i stay here, pluses, minuses, differences... the list goes on and on. i can't get it out of my mind, its driving me crazy! i'm afraid to say what i think aloud, because i want to be sure before i start telling people or acting like i'm committing to one or the other. i really do think i have some idea... but i'm scared out of my mind. more than that, i want to make sure i'm making the choice God has for me and not just what i want. i want to follow His voice. His calling. His plan. not my own... i've done that before. doesn't seem to work out so well. so prayer. lots and lots of prayer.

Psalm 139: 23 - "search me O God and know my heart, test me and know my anxious thoughts." i was directed there in my devotions today... and i know He knows my heart, He knows my concerns, He knows my worries. He knows where I am supposed to be next fall. and that is what i have to hold onto. that is what we all have to hold onto. God will bless those who follow His calling, when we go our own way we have to be prepared to deal with the consequences. He will continue to work through those choices, but He knows best - so why not just follow Him the first time around! i know, i know what you're thinking - how do you know? my mom told me that He will give you a desire and a peace. a desire to want to go/do, and a peace about it. other than that, i guess you just have to listen. sometimes i'm not really sure either. still one of those things i struggle with. but He will make a way. :)

okay. i don't even know if any of this is making any sense. so i'm going to close out for the night. loveee!

this is our lives.

"It happens to everyone as they grow up... you find out who you are and what you want, and then you realize that the people you've known forever don't see things the way you do. And so you keep the memories but find yourself moving on."

do you ever wonder, if ten years from now you will even talk to the people you now consider your "best friends"? do you ever wonder where will you be in ten years, what you will be doing? will you be married? will you have kids? will you be "successful"? will you look back and wish for the past, or will you be happy in the present, will you be looking towards the future? will you be happy?

the future is unknown. no matter how much we pre-plan, and set goals for ourselves, for where we want to be in the future. our lives can change in a matter of an instant. in a moment, you can decide to change the course of your life. in a moment, you can alter your future. we don't know where we will be ten years from now, twenty years from now. we can hope for this or that, or assume that we will get "real jobs", and have a family... but in reality, God might have something else in the cards for us. and you have to realize that whatever that is, He is going to use you, and He is going to work through whatever the future brings to work for His glory.

my friend laura and i were discussing life yesterday. with the looming question of whether or not i will still be attending msu - mankato next fall, we were contemplating how things change, and how fast. this year some of our closest friends here are graduating, and will we stay in touch with them? already we have seperated from our high school friends, and had to deal with those losses, or at least the change of not seeing them on a daily basis. and now, we will be asked to do it again. the cycle never really ends. and regardless of whether or not i transfer, i am going to have to keep dealing with ever-changing friendships. we both feel the same about it, we hate it. we hate saying goodbye to people. we hate not knowing if the connection will be maintained, or if it will evaporate over time. we love our friends. we never want to let any of them go. and yet, we have to keep holding onto the truth - God uses changes for the good. without them, we would never get anywhere. and i know i said this last time, but i really believe that friendships can last through changes, but you have to be willing to fight for them. when distance comes between people, and they continue to grow as individuals apart from each other, the friendship takes work. but its worth it, i know that for a fact. if want someone to continue to be a part of your life, you have to hold on to them, you have to fight for them, you have to show them that you care, that letting go is not an option. change will end some friendships. time, and distance are too much for some people to handle. and in the process, sometimes you discover that some friends aren't worth fighting for, and some might just slip away. that's a part of life. and new friends will enter in when you least expect it, but hold on to the old ones too - hold on to your lifesavers. hold on to the people who know your past, your present, and who you want to be a part of your future.

i don't know what next year is going to bring for me. either way, it will seperate me from people i love -those i already am away from, or the friendships i have here. either way, its going to be hard. if i stay it might take me awhile to understand why God still wants me here, because i don't love it, and coming back here break after break always is hard. yet if i go, i will once again have to rely on God to put in my path people who will encourage me - i will be starting all over yet again, and thats not going to be easy either. no matter what happens, God has a plan. God has a purpose for my life, and wherever i end up i have to believe that He is going to use that to teach me, to allow me to grow in His image, and bring me closer to the person i want to be. change can hurt us, change can tear us apart, but change can also bring us closer to God, and closer to who we are striving to become. every day is a new choice to live to the fullest. every day our future can change in an instant. every day God is directing our footsteps.

i will fight for you.

i will fight for you, because you've changed my life. you've made me who i am. you've given me someone to lean on. you've taught me how to be myself. and you don't even know it.

these boys have changed my life :) cam. connor. nick.

this is liz :) she is amazing, and i would be lost without her.

sometimes you wait around for something so long, that you form all these expectations for what it should be. you talk it up to something great, and sometimes when you expect too much you end up dissapointed in the end. and yet other times, your expectations are exceeded and you are surprised. sometimes things turn out better than you could have ever imagined. i knew my spring break was going to be good. but i didn't know it was going to be absolutely amazing. i didn't know it was going to go down as one of the best weeks i have ever had in my life. i didn't know how much it was going to affect me.

nick came to rapid from arizona, the first time we've seen him in almost a year. in high school all of us were very close - especially when it came to cross country and track, but now its hard to see each other. so cam and i made sure that we got to see nick this break. from the time he arrived saturday night it was clear that the week was going to be filled with random adventures, great times, and barely any sleep. why sleep when you can spend your time having fun with the people you care about? you can sleep when you're dead! ha. just to give you an idea, the first night we all stayed up till 6:30 in the morning talking (after going on a hike at 1:30). got up at 9:30. got together later and stayed up late once again. the whole week was filled with a reunion of friends. dinners together. hikes after midnight. and simply enjoying each other's company and having conversation after conversation.

this week made me want to quit school. i would love to live in a house with 10 of my closest friends and simply enjoy each other's company on a daily basis... cam and i joked about it tonight. just quit school. convince the people we want to join us to do it to. no hesitation. hike around the country. live in fellowship with other people. experience random adventures. surround yourself with the people who make you who you are. you are able to put a smile on your face no matter what's going on in your life. what's holding you back? life, reality, obligation. sure - but wouldn't it be great to just be able to say screw it. lets just live life. i wish. because i had so much fun this week. and honestly, the times when i'm happiest are the times when i can surround myself with the people i care about. and that's what life should be shouldn't it? spending time with those you love. i wish it happened more.

i am so happy. (more than a little sad that i had to go back to school, i cried a good couple hours the last few days about it but). this week just made me appreciate the people who are in my life so much. and just be able to see how people can come together, even after a year or two and still click in the same way. how things can fall into place, and it's like no time has passed at all. and suddenly you remember what was good about your past, suddenly you remember the things you miss about high school, about being "young" again. as far as a team, we had a great thing - and those are memories that can never be replaced. that experience changed my life, and this week made me realize that those bonds can be formed again - or at least put into place for occasions such as these. it took me back. it made things simple again. it made me simply enjoy life for all it has to offer. one o'clock in the morning and someone suggests a hike - why not? one life to live. live in the moment. do things you don't normally do.

aww. i wish i could describe this whole week to you. i'm just amazed at how wonderful it was. i want to relive it, over and over again. and more than that, i never want to let my friends go. there are some people who are just worth holding on to. and that's what friendships are - just like any commitment or activity. they are choices. everyday you can choose the amount of effort you are going to put towards it. everyday you get to decide how much you care. i care so much. and i am going to fight for my friends. i refuse to let them go over something stupid, i refuse to let us lose touch. i refuse to allow things to change when the choice is in my hands. in our hands. we get to choose what friendships survive, just like we get to choose the other things we put ourselves into. nothing comes without effort, nothing comes without some work. things might not always be easy - but if you keep fighting, you will be glad you did. i'm going to fight for my friends - because they are the people who know me. they are the ones who allow me to be myself. they are the ones who allow me to live. without them - i would be lost.

memories, not goodbyes.

we have all been there. experiencing the lost connection of a relationship. recently, i have been dealing with losing a friend. and i know that people close to me are dealing with the same thing. furthermore, friends of mine dealing with break-ups are going through it too. and so i have been struggling with dealing with this on my own, i have been trying not to care, but in reality - i care more about this than a lot of things. my friends and my family are my life, and letting them go... not really an easy thing to accomplish. so i think i've collected my emotions over the past few days enough that i can write about this in a way that other people are going to understand, instead of just blabbering my emotions across the screen. so here goes nothing ::

people on the outside of the situation tell you to let go. they tell you to just move on. they tell you : you are better than that. you don't deserve to be treated that way. we've all heard, its a common response. and we are expected to believe it is as simple is that - to just let go of the people you care about. your boyfriend or girlfriend, the one you have loved for the past three years. the girl or boy, the friend who has been there through thick and thin. the cousin or the aunt or the sibling, the family member who has stood by your side. all the ones who once made up your heart, your soul, your everything. people on the outside tell you to get over it. they tell you, you'll find someone new. they tell you people can be replaced. maybe its because they think that's what you want to hear - that hearing those words makes it easier, or at least cements into your brain that its not worth your tears. not worth your time. not worth your pain. not worth your worry and your heartache. but maybe they are wrong. maybe those are the completely wrong words.

maybe what we need to hear is : it is going to be hard. it is going to take time. and you might not ever get over it. because when you love someone, when you care about someone - you give them a piece of who you are. you give them pieces of your heart. because real friendships, real relationships are all about giving everything you have. and no matter how much time passes, no matter how much you heal from it, there is always a part of you that you will never get back. because in any relationship, there is give and take. and when its over, you can't just take back all that you have given - especially when its not tangible. so when a relationship ends you lose a part of yourself. and it hurts. you are parting with a piece of who you are, and what will always be a part of you. relationships, friendships, acquaintances - they shape you. they make you. they allow you to grow. they teach you. and part of that process comes with losing those connections. and its not easy. and it will never be easy. no matter how many times it happens, it won't stop hurting. because you are a human being. you have feelings. you have needs. and you have expectations. and when someone disappoints you, when someone leaves your life - you're going to fall before you learn from it. you are going to cry before you talk about it. you are going to get mad before you appreciate all the good things that came from it. its natural, and its going to happen that way. so don't push it aside, don't just move on. take your time - work through it. and accept that you might not ever get over it completely.

losing a friend hurts. (just like a significant other). and its hard to stop putting effort into a relationship that has existed for so long. that's the hardest part for me - because i fight for my friendships. i give them everything i have. honestly, a lot of the friendships i do have i believe exist because i have been the one to fuel the fire a majority of the time. because sometimes that's what it takes. you have to fight for the relationships that mean something to you. because when you give up, they die. but there comes a point when the fighting has to stop. and that's where i'm at. i don't want to just give up. i don't want to give in and accept losing someone i care about. but a relationship takes two people. and while one can fight, the other has to respond. if they don't... then one day, you wake up and you realize that its time to leave it be. maybe, someday, they will come back. maybe someday they will realize on their own that they miss you - but until then, sometimes you have to stop pushing. i have to stop pushing. i have to stop caring. i have to stop worrying about what i did wrong, or what i should have done to change it. i have done all i can. and i have to be okay with that. i have to appreciate the friendships i still have. the ones who really are there still. i have to realize i'm not alone. i have to realize i'm going to be okay.

we are all going to be okay. every lost relationship is just a bump. just a learning curve on the road of life. some are more memorable than others. some cause greater impact than the rest. but they are all a part of our journey. and no matter how many miles seperate us from them, there is no changing that. so we can be greatful for those road marks and keep on moving. towards whatever lies ahead, whatever might come across our paths. the road is long, and there is no reason to stall forever. we are all going to make it. :)

Colors of Death

Green curtains frame the bay window,
the light from the sunrise dim.
Purples and reds bleed into
the landscape, grass brown and dead.
From the oven - fumes of apple pie,
sweet combining with the toxic.
She walks into the kitchen, smile freezing,
the sight before her taking control.
He lies on the floor, face blue,
eyes closed, mouth open – no breath.
The Heimlich does not save him,
her efforts lost as the sun rises
into the clouds, her brother’s body
cold in her arms. And the day,
despite its new beginning, has ended.
The apple pie burns in the steel gray oven,
while the sirens grow louder and
her legs go numb on the black linoleum.

Tomorrow the sun will rise again,
colors mourning in grays and blues.

[one of the poems from my final poetry project]

i still believe in fairytales.

"You know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales, that fantasy of what your life would be, white dress, prince charming who would carry you away to a castle on a hill. You would lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming, they were so close you could taste them, but eventually you grow up, one day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is its hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely cause almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they will open their eyes and it will come true." - Meredith Grey

so me and my roommate have two favorite channels - WE, and TLC. when we are sitting down to watch television those are always the first choices, and if that fails then we find something else... but normally one of them wins. so we have been watching a lot of WE lately, mostly wedding shows. which led to us crafting our own weddings. at first i tried not to give in, but i broke down last night and had her give me the site. [theknot.com for all you ladies who want to entertain this fantasy just as much as i did, even though i didn't want to admit it] it has everything you could ever want. you can pick your wedding dress, your bridesmaid's dresses, flowers, tuxes, cakes, songs, hairstyles, engagement rings, wedding rings, accessories, etc. etc. etc. i did almost all of the above. ha. i was annoying my poor guy friend about it via msn messenger, and he started getting a little angry. he says that "doing that sets up unrealistic expectations for your future mate". i said, "i've been thinking of my wedding since i was five and watched cinderella - i'm allowed to dream".

and i seriously think we are. i was super happy last night, and i was getting all bubbly and silly looking at possible wedding dresses. can you imagine how exciting it's going to be when that actually comes!? awww. i can't even wait. well, i can - but sometimes i wouldn't mind it happening sooner than later. the point is, i think we're allowed to hold on to that fantasy. everything - prince charming. someone who whisks us off our feet. takes us by surprise. shows us romance. i don't think we should expect extravangance or a re-take on our favorite chick flick, but i do think there is an element that we are allowed to hold onto. the desire to be cherished. for someone to want to make us happy, to go out of their way to impress, and to win our hearts. romance is not dead, and i don't think we should have to settle.

me and one of my best guy friends talk about relationships, or lack there of, from time to time. it usually goes the same way. we are both frustrated because we never find anyone. sure, there are flings here and there - but we both know we want something more. we want something with substance. and then someone will come along who is genuinely interested and we won't go for it, they're just not quite right. we're both very picky. and so we have asked, is this a good thing or a bad thing? because on one hand i feel like i deserve certain things, and should hold out for a guy who posseses certain qualities, but on the other hand - am i being unrealistic? in the end though, i think you have to be picky. granted, i believe you have to give people a chance - at least to get to know them as a person - before you dismiss them as an option, but i don't think you have to settle and get involved and date people because you can, because its there.

we deserve someone special. we all do, women and men. and i have to hold onto that fairytale. i have to hold onto the belief that one day i am going to meet someone who is going to be my match, who is going to surpass every other guy i've dated or been involved with by far - someone who is going to be different. someone who, for the first time, i am going to fall in love with. i have to believe that there is still someone out there worthy of my heart, because that little girl is still inside of me - playing cinderella, waiting for her prince charming. and to let that die, would be tragic and a total loss of all hope. it would be giving up. settling for less. so don't let the fairytale go, keep inside of you where it belongs :)

here's to you.

this is for you - the one who helped me make it to the fourth grade. the one who used to call me her twin. the one who shared in boys chase girl recesses, and playing horses with broomsticks. the one who gave me childhood at its finest.
this is for you - the girl i hated at first, the one i couldn't stand. the one who became like a sister. the one i first experienced alcohol with. first experienced boys with. the one with whom i used to be insperable. we were unstoppable, as well as somewhat stuck-up and a little self-absorbed, but we had each other. it didn't matter what happened with anyone else, because we always had each other. you were my rock. you were my naughty other half. you were my first true best friend, someone who existed on a deeper level. you were my sister in christ as well, we grew together. our opinions changed but our friendship withstood it all. you were unforgettable.
this is for you - the girl who surprised me, who came out of nowhere and taught me what it feels like to embrace yourself. to have your own style and not care what anyone else thinks. this is for the one who got me through my senior year of high school, who was there for everything whether she agreed or not. this is for the one who made me smile on a regular basis, a ray of sunshine in the middle of stuck up classmates and people who were out to bring you down. you were constant music. you were amazing. we were very different, but somehow we were perfect.
and this is for you - the girl who used to hate my guts for flirting with her boyfriend, but somehow caught me when i least expected it. who made me alive and care-free again, able to do anything, try anything. this is for the girl who was always a phone call away. the girl i spent the summer practially live with one place or another. this is for the girl who is greater than what she knows. the girl who made my summer. the one who turns even the most boring days into wonderful memories, with silly faces, giggles and smiles. here's to feeling like a kid again, without worry, free to run.

this is for all of you - former best friends. some of whom have been long gone from my life, some of whom i know we can still talk like we used to - even if the times are few and far between, some of whom i still miss, and some of whom i am unsure where our friendship lies. it happens to all of us. we all find those people - the ones who really understand us, or maybe - its the people who bring something new to the table. something out of the ordinary, something different from the other friends we cherish. they bring us adventure. they bring us new horizons, and unexplored venues. they bring us spirit - a spark we didn't even know existed inside of us. they get to us in a way that no one else does. it doesn't have to be serious, but we can forget about the world and simply live. we love them. we attach ourselves to them. and we call them our best friends. and eventually, a year or two, or mabye five or six later - they disappear. gradually, or rather suddenly, soon we discover that we are left without them. and there is a hole waiting to be replaced, by that next dazzling person...

i think the term "best friend" should be more carefully used. my mother always told me you should always have more than one best friend, i thought that was silly. but its true, because then we find ourselves comparing friends. and by putting that tiny little word in front categorize someone as the greatest, the most important, when really that's usually not the case. we need more than one person to guide us. to spend time with. to share our hearts. to explore with. to grow with. to be there for, and have a shoulder to cry on in return. more than one person makes us who we are. we owe ourselves, our saniety, our honesty - to our friends. and we should not place one above the other in terms. for each of them holds a place that the others can't. they all are the "best" in some way. and it is unfair to ignore that.

i am grateful for all of my best friends. but i am also grateful for all the others, in fact sometimes more than the previously mentioned. i have so many friends who have changed my life. i wish i could name them all, but i don't think i could them justice in so short a space. my friends are indescribable. there are no words to say how incredibly blessed i am to have so many amazing people in my life - so many people who would do anything for me, who are there for me when i need it the most, who know the depths of my heart, who really understand who i am. we need more than one person to see inside of us. we need more than one hand to hold. we need more than one smile to seek. we need people. so many people... and i am moved to tears at how blessed i feel to have each and every one of them in my life.

so here is to you - the people who care. the ones who impact me without even knowing it. the ones who i love with all my heart. the ones i would do anything for. this is for the ones who have touched me so deeply, that i will never be able to express my gratitude. thank you for being there. thank you for making me a better person. thank you for teaching me things. thank you for forcing me to step outside the box. to grow. to do things i didn't think i could do. thank you for listening to my tears. thank you for being the laughter. the adventure. the fun. the party. the servant. the brother/sister in christ. the giver. the listener. the helper. the guy, the girl - who makes my days brighter. who makes me smile with a text. with a phone call. this is for all of you - each and every one of you. you have changed my life.

walking on sunshine.

Hebrews 10:25 - "We should not stop gathering together with other believers, as some of you are doing. Instead we must continue to encourage each other even more as we see the day of the Lord coming."






i had the pleasure of spending my sunday morning with some fellow intervarsity peeps - participating in a pancake breakfast fundraiser for the spring break trip to st.louis. [see photos above!] it is a blessing to serve others, and it also also a blessing when God provides for needs. God was good today, but then again - He is good everyday. it is just a matter of taking the time to stop and recognize it, to acknowledge all the things He is doing in and around us. personally, i have felt so blessed the past few weeks. as important as your own personal relationship with Christ is, it is also important to delight in the fellowship of others. we are meant to encourage, support, and uplight one another - and i can definitely feel God working to do those things in my life. i have met new people this year through intervarsity, and i have also held on to friendships from last year as well. and i am just so incredibly glad that God has placed each and every one of them in my life. after God, and my family - my friends play a huge role in my life... and i seriously do not know what i would do without them.

God is good - all the time. :) sometimes i have to remind myself to live in His image and not act out on how i'm feeling (doesn't always work...but you know). even though i know i shouldn't let it bother me, sometimes the comments i recieve in regards to my friends, and the things i am interested in (like church) really get to me. it is just a depiction of God testing you. and instead of lashing out in anger - you have to learn to respond with love. i'm trying to work on it. and not harbor over it, just give it to Him right away and simply pray for a change of heart in myself, and the people who sometimes can be so negative towards us. love others as He loves them right?? and don't pry, keep praying - and God will continue to work in their lives! aww (trust me - i know!) major praise tonite :)

taking a jump backwards... thursday night we had the privelege of listening to a guy by the name of bill: ex-convinct, ex-thief, ex-alcoholic, ex-druggie... and afterwards he invited us to let him pray for each of us individually. i was a little apprehensive at first. but eventually i felt as if i should go up there... after saying some basic words of encouragement he looked at me, and said he had seen a picture while he was praying for me:: an arrow. pointing upward. towards God. and if i amto keep looking upward in the direction of that arrow, God is going to give me the wisdom and direction i need to make the decisions concerning my future. well that just about hit the nail on the head! exactly where i am in my life, and i know that's what i need to be doing - but hearing it in that way was so encouraging and mind-blowing. all God. aww.

so i guess i'm just really happy right now. encouraged. and uplifted! keep seeking God, and He will give you peace, and joy beyond compare. filling your heart with love and blessing you above and beyond what you've asked for...

the essence of words.

ever since i can remember, i have loved writing. and when i use the term "love" i'm not sure that is really an accurate portrayal... because what is love? and how much is it overused? (we'll get to that later) so i guess i would like to say that i have a passion for words. i have a passion to express what goes on my mind. what i feel with my heart. what comes from the depths of my soul. things that sometimes i don't even understand... which is why i suppose my words sometimes get jumbled into nonsensical explanations.
we, as humans, don't always comprehend ourselves.

which is why i think we have to take into account other people - their thoughts, their dreams, their beliefs, their actions, their words. i am inspired by other people. quotes. books. friends. honesty. truth. depth. passion. all communicated through words. when we read, we learn. when we read, sometimes something inside us clicks. a certain phrase, a certain paragraph, a certain novel touches us. says things that we understand. that reach the part of us where we feel something profound, something beyond the words. we get lost in them. between the syllables. among the sentences - we find ourselves. we become inspired. and we take that with us. and sometimes that translates into our own "inspirations". we would be no where without each other. the world would not exist without the transmissionl of communication. without knowledge being passed from one person to the next. Jose Marti said, "Knowing is what counts". And in order to know we have to step outside ourselves and relish the words of others. only then will we discover brand new bounds.

tonight i have become enthused to respond to the words of my dear friend. i hope he doesn't mind because i seriously can't stop re-reading what he wrote, and wondering the exact same thing. he says, "if i could have an extra wish,i guess i'd like to see what love was like before cell phones in 1923".

and honestly i would wish the exact same thing. recently on some dumb top 25 things about myself i wrote that i feel i should have been born in another time period. why? because i honestly believe that love used to be a lot more genuine than what it is now. we are so caught up in whatever is easiest. whatever is the most convenient for ourselves. and in the process we lose the sincerity. we lose having to really be open with someone - face to face. we form relationships from written words instead of spoken ones. we can break off a relationship with a text, with an email. and start another just as simply. people don't have to work for your affection anymore. take pride and prejudice. during that time period men and women did not converse with each other in private. they didn't "date". they were constantly other people around. they fell in love based off each others actions, off what they spoke in the heightened moments that conversation occured... they did not come to "love" each other on a physical basis. touching in public back then was sure to be unheard of. love was most definitely a deep and genuine appreciation for someone. and how often does that happen anymore? how often do we truly, deeply, and whole-heartedly get to know someone before that first kiss, before that physical boundary is crossed, before we start basing our feelings off physical connections and if being physical with them "feels right".

i can tell you from experience - that i know the difference between becoming physical with someone you are really close to, as opposed to not. the farthest i've gone with a man was great - i'm not gonna lie. i enjoyed it. but there was no connection. there was no deeper feeling. i held no respect. no love. no appreciation. it was purely physical. so what was the point? for on the other side of things, a situation that didn't go nearly as far but that took place with someone i had known for years prior and had really gotten to know, to really care about, and someone who had taken the time to get to know me - to be there for me... held so much more emotional connection that it FELT deeper. there is something about kissing someone you genuinely know and care for, compared to someone you are simply attracted to and might enjoy hanging out with.

love comes from the heart. it is not something that comes easily. it is not something that can be misguided by text messages, words that we have no problem typing but that some of us would really never say (once again, words of a friend fyi). we can get to someone without ever having to really interact with them. we don't see them, but we can tell they "really like us". how much of it is bullshit? there is a difference between really being with someone, as opposed to just talking to them through the device attached to your hand. and not to say that people can't maintain relationships this way... and for some phone calls are the only means of communication during some times... but how can you start this way? and really trust someone without being able to see how they react to things? how they treat people around them? how their speech depicts their attitude? we have lost formality, that is something i can promise. which is why love has become translated into sex. which is probably why 50% of marriages fail... why girls are throwing their bodies to guy after guy in hopes that they will love them. screw that shit.

as a girl... i want to be treasured. i want to be respected. i want someone to care about my values. about my faith. about all the pieces of my past that make me who i am. i want someone who i can sit with for hours and just talk without feeling pressured to "put out". i want someone to care about my heart. i want honesty. i want open communication. i want romance, and gratitude, and appreciation. im not expecting a knight in shining armour. i'm not expecting a titanic style romance. i want it to take work. i want the good times and the bad... to be able to grow together through the arguments. to not give up and move on. love is not simple. it cannot be thrown around like we so often do our bodies. it cannot be thrown around like words that hold no value. it should be put on a pedastol. and it should stay there.

we need each other its true. we are not meant to be alone, God did not design us that way. but He also did not design us to use each other. to have our bodies tell us who we love and who we don't love. its all a facade. He wants us to know each other's hearts. like He knows ours. to care about someone as an individual. to be willing to give up everything for them. to go to all extreme's to win and to keep that affection. to love no matter what. love is not made on conditions. its all or nothing. whole-heartedly or not at all. we need to stop making things "easier" for ourselves and forming bonds that won't last. its harder in the long run, and will only spell dissapointment.

if you want a love that is going to last - go for the heart. search it. know it. guard it.
i used to be all for saving myself till marriage (so far so good fyi) but i haven't even gotten in that situation yet and already i find myself saying, "well if i really loved them i probably would" or "if i dated someone for a long time, i probably would"... and why? because society tells me that its natural? once again. i have to go back to a different time. in more cases than not, having sex with someone before you were married would rarely be an option. which proves my point. it is possible to know you love someone without getting physical, or in bed. our society wants us to compromise ourselves but it doesn't have to be that way. we can seek honest communication. a face-to-face relationship. a love that comes from the heart. i have to believe it is possible. i have to believe it is real - because otherwise, where is the hope?