my Aunt Karen

On March 15, 2007 my Aunt Karen died of cancer and went home to be with the Lord...
today would have been her 59th birthday.

Its hard to know why God takes away the people we love. She meant the world to my family and was a constant part of my life ever since I can remember. She used to tell me stories about how when I was little I used to cry when my parents came and got me because I wanted to stay with her... I used to stay the night at her house as a little girl, on a cot next to her bed. She would always hold my hand until I fell asleep.

She was always there for me, and she always put people's concerns above her own. Even in her last months, she never let on how she was. She always kept a smile on her face and used to joke about taking a walk around the block and having my uncle drive along beside her to refill her oxygen tank. She always had such a postive attitude and caring spirit, I could never be in a bad mood when I was around her. Her laugh was infectious and if she started we both had a hard time stopping...

Its been like five days and I'm already missing her like crazy. I keep closing my eyes and seeing her... laughing, hearing her voice, seeing us do all the things we used to do... this weekend when we went to Sioux Falls for the funeral and when we were with all the family, I seriously kept expecting her to walk through the door, see us all crying, and say, "What??" like she always used to. A family gathering will never be the same without her... she was that one person in a family that everyone absolutely adores, and she has left a huge hole in my heart.

I know she is up in heaven, having a blast, probably making God laugh uncontrollably. I am glad that her suffering is gone... that she has been healed from cancer by being able to get a new body in heaven, but I miss her... and its hard to keep a smile on my face, its hard to keep living life, its hard to carry when I know she's gone. I'll be doing okay and then I'll see her lying there in the casket... I'll see all the funeral processions again in my mind, I see her the last time I saw her struggling to breath and I'll remember... and the tears will come.

People say it gets easier with time, I don't know how. For this hurt and pain is unlike anything I've ever experienced and I don't know how to get through it. I keep praying to God for reassurance and for strength and that I know He has her in His presence, but then the tears just come even harder. I know His plan is perfect, but I just want to feel her arms around me again. I want to hear her say my name. I want to sit at her kitchen table eating potato rolls and play scrabble. So many things... I'm never going to do with her again. And it really really hurts. I see the next months, years, of my life playing out and I can't imagine them without her.

She meant the world to me. Sometimes when things between me and my parents were rocky I always imagined living with her. I thought about it so many times... running away to stay with my Auntie Karen, who was like a mother to me. She was definitely an inspiration to me. She loved everyone around her, she had a gentle heart and a kind spirit, and she is going to be missed by so many.

But I guess until the day I get to see her again, I will just have to say... till we meet again, and remember all the good memories, and maybe someday I'll be able to think of them and smile instead of crying about never being able to experience them again.

In closing... here is what I wrote for her funeral.

Auntie Karen - I am going to miss you so much. More than an aunt, you were like a second mother to me and one of the most inspirational people in my life. You were always there for me, surrounding me with love, hugs and smiles. I will miss staying the night at your house, having you draw on my back and say, "its something that runs across the road...", making cut-out cookies every Christmas, playing Christmas trivia on the way to Sioux Falls, playing cards with you as my partner, playing scrabble, hearing your voice, and hearing you laugh. You have impacted my life in so many ways, and I will always keep you and our many memories close to my heart. It's hard to believe that you're gone, but it's a comfort to know that you're in a better place, smiling with joy, and knowing that someday I'll get to see you again.



"Absent from the body, present with the Lord."

floating

sometimes, we just need to be quiet. relax and day-dream.
let the mind make things come true, or bring back the happiest of times.
in the midst of a chaotic world, sometimes...
we just need to pretend everything is like we want it to be.
for in those minutes - our perfect lives playing on the screen of our thoughts...
we can smile with satisfaction and be content.
the things that are bothering you... evaporate and you start floating.
higher and higher until you start forgetting what the real world contains.


so take some time for yourself. sit in silence. eliminate all distractions.
close your eyes. and remember. re-play the memories. laugh again. smile. be happy.
and let your imagination take you away... to the dreams of your heart.

trust

Hidden underneath the smile, behind the laughter, there lies someone struggling to stay strong.
The battle is more evident at times than others, but it is always there.

Why does God put us through situations that seem impossible to understand?
Why does He ask us to endure such pain, such heartache that threaten to break us?

James 1: 2 - 3
Consider it pure joy my brothers when you face trials of many kinds, for the testing of your faith develops perserverence.

2 Corinthians 1: 8 - 9
We even wondered if we could go on living... but we suffered so that we would stop trusting ourselves and learn to trust God.

We will never understand God's plan, or why we are asked to endure the struggles we go through in our lifetime. Sometimes they seem impossible to overcome, and its so hard to keep smiling in the midst of pain... but we must. And we must put all of our trust in God because He is the only one who is there for us, and He has a plan and a purpose for everthing... even if we don't know what that is. Trusting that His will is perfect is hard, but its also rewarding. It causes us to draw closer and closer to him and really get to know him better...

In the midst of struggle, in the depths of your pain, your despair... cry out to Jesus. He will be there with open arms. His love is never-ending. He will not judge. He is there to comfort you, to be there for you when it feels like no one else is... when it feels like the world is crashing down around you. He is there to lift you back up... place you on your feet. Put your trust in Him, and you'll be able to make it through.


God is amazing, and lately I've really been seeing that.
What I'm going through right now is unlike anything I've ever experienced... and crying out to Jesus is the only thing that helps me keep a smile on my face... at least most of the time.