joyful, joyful.

have yourself a merry little Christmas, let your heart be light. from now on, our troubles will be out of sight... through the years we all will be together, if the fates allow... have yourself a merry little Christmas now <3>

they say, its the most wonderful time of the year. in retrospect, i would agree. everyone comes home for the holidays... chances to see friends and family members you have lost touch with over past months, chances to reconnect and spread a little bit of love. everyone gets into the Christmas spirit, or at least - almost everyone. Christmas carols play on the radio. holiday specials at every store. unique Christmas coffee flavors. its the time of the year where snow is embraced with open arms, just in hopes of having a white Christmas. in the spirit of Christmas, you find that you give a little more of yourself. you're more open to people. you go out of your way to make everything as good as possible. you take risks. you spend a little extra. all in hopes of making it the best Christmas ever. sometimes, you expect little - only concerned about giving all that you can. and in those times, often, that is when you receive the most. in light of expecting nothing, i think that often God blesses us when we least expect it. we set ourselves up with little promise, and He surprises us with His blessings in different ways... in an unexpected gift. a phone call. extra hours at work. coffee with an old friend. a beautiful day. and in reflection of all the things God gives us, the most amazing gift He has ever given us is Jesus. after all, that is the true meaning of Christmas. so often we forget why Christmas is such an exciting time, why we give gifts, why we get together with family. we get so caught up in the hustle and bustle that we forget to slow down and remember why we're celebrating in the first place.

in the past few years, Christmas has changed a lot for me and my family. when my aunt passed away, suddenly things got a lot harder... it became more of a challenge to remain joyful during the holidays. i've noticed it this year for some reason - my brother has been anti-Christmas music, or anything that really has to do with Christmas. my family as a whole has lost a lot of interest in going to church on Christmas eve. i think its just a reminder that we're not complete. in lieu of the holiday season, we're missing a vital part of our family. and every service, they sing silent night. and you would think it would get easier to hear, but for me, its not. i hear my aunts favorite song, and tears still come to the surface. and every Christmas, i make cut-out cookies, because its what karen and i always did together, for as long as i can remember. its hard to do it, honestly. but i feel like i have to, in memory of her. because Christmas is a time to remember. a time to cherish. a time to be joyful, and grateful for all the blessings God has given us. to remember that we get to see our loved ones again someday because He gave us the ultimate gift of Jesus... to be born, to live, and to die... for us. that is the beauty of Christmas everyone, try to remember it. let your heart be light. count your blessings. thank God. delight in family. be kind to a stranger. go out of your way to impact someone's life, just like Jesus impacts ours, each and every day. because really, Jesus is the reason for every season, for every day, for everything.

Ruddy.

Growing up, I remember asking for a puppy every Christmas and birthday, and my brother did the same. We used to write it on our list and hand it to our parents, knowing they would say it wasn't going to happy but doing it anyway. We thought, someday, they would give in. As we started into our teenage years, however, the hope of that dream ever coming true began to decrease slowly... until we gave up. I went to college, and my childhood dream of having a puppy of my own seemed lost with my innocence and carefree days ... ha. But then, a new tactic came into play - the importance of a hunting dog. My brother and dad both being avid hunters, it seemed reasonable. Of course, I did my damn best to help the proceedings, because that meant a puppy would finally reside in our pet-less abode. This spring, the same week I came home for summer vacation, we brought home a black lab... Ruddy. The cutest thing you had ever seen. Even in the first couple weeks, he never whined at night, something very unusual for a pup who has just been taken away from his mother. He was amazing. Only peed inside twice, or so. Of course, it wasn't all fun and games... with a household of people unaccustomed to a pet, there were some adjustments to be made. Especially with four people with working schedules. At times, it was a hassle. But we survived. We played. We laughed. We scooped poop. We fell in love. He was everything we ever wanted, and more. Our own little romping pup of fun. As expected, training for hunting had to begin. So Ruddy went away to puppy school for three months, right when I went to college in August/September. He was able to come home on weekends, and I had the privilege of seeing him every time I made the trek back. Always full of life, and excited beyond belief to see me and anyone he encountered. Tail wagging, jumping and licking, he was a joy to come home to. A soft, cuddly, loving pup. Over thanksgiving I got to just cuddle with him, and I was so thrilled to come home for Christmas break knowing that he would be done with puppy school. A whole month of Ruddy!

Wednesday I got a call from my dad... he was at the vet with Ruddy. Ruddy had fallen over going to the bathroom, and my dad had to go over and pick him up. Obviously, he knew there was something wrong. The fear was that it would be hip problems, common amongst dogs/labs, etc. It wasn't, but what it was was much worse... Ruddy had torn the tendons in the knees of both of his back legs. How it happened, well, we will never know. The diagnosis continued to speak bad news... it would only get worse, and the only means of fixing it equals a six to seven thousand dollar surgery, three thousand plus for each leg. We can't afford that. And even if we could, for each leg Ruddy would have to stay still for 3 months to let him heal, and that's not fair either. I didn't know how bad it was until I got home today. My dad took him out to pee and kept holding up his left leg. Needless to say, its not good. We've all been crying all day. I sat with him on his rug for a long time, and he put his paws and his head on my lap, and I lost it. Just looking at him breaks your heart. Because our only option is to put him down... sooner or later, most likely sooner because its just going to get worse until he won't be able to go to the bathroom anymore.

It doesn't make sense you know? We waited so long to get a puppy and made sure it was what we wanted to do... my dad checked out the guy he got it from, and the pedigree for the mother was good. Ruddy was even born on my Aunt's birthday... we thought for sure that was a blessing from God. Now, it looks like he will be going to join my Aunt in heaven. I really don't understand. He is the most well behaved, loving dog ever. (okay, i realize most people would say that about their dogs... but at least, if you're a dog lover you understand). I just fell in love with him and now he's going to be taken away. And he's so happy, and acts so normal in all other aspects that its just so surreal. Blah. Idk when this is going to happen, but my whole family could use some prayers. I can't even imagine people who have had their dogs for years and years, except maybe this would be easier if he had lived a long life... he's just a puppy. He's not even a year old... how can this be happening? I love my little Ruddy-dog. I love him so much. And this sucks...

What A Friend.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7

This morning I awoke to a loud banging on my door. Awaking from sleep, this can be quite alarming. It was 8 AM, and clad only in shorts and a see-through white tank top, I quickly ran to answer the door. It was my neighbor, needing me to move my car. Peering outside I saw that the world was white - white as snow... lots and lots of snow. I grabbed my keys, a nearby jacket, and snow boots and went outside. I think I must have looked quite, interesting to say the least. Hair disheveled. Shorts and snow boots in 6+ inches of snow. Still wearing my retainers, which I of course forgot about until I started talking to him. Nice. I crawled back into bed and slept for another two hours... and when my alarm went off, I thought of the snow in contrast to the warmth of my bed, and seriously considered skipping church. But, the Lord was telling me to stop being lazy and get out of bed. (in some way or another). So, I ventured out into the winter wonderland and made it to church. And, boy am I glad I did.

The verse above is one of, if not my ultimate, favorite. Those are the verses I have clung to for years... in the midst of little problems, little worries, or large-scale life changing complications and changes. Those words have been my comfort, my guide. And this morning, my pastor gave a whole sermon on those two verses. I could have screamed. What luck! It's wonderful to delight in God's word, but to really take it apart and examine what lies under the surface is where true understanding is reached - where your heart is really challenged. Needless to say, I felt convicted this morning.

My pastor posed this question, and so I'm going to lay it out here as well: What is your instinctive response to fear, anxiety, and worry?? In other words, where do you turn in the midst of these feelings? In my own personal experience, it is easier to turn to other people and other things. Comfort foods. A call to a friend. A glass of wine. Sleep. A rantful blog. But, the thing we seem to forget about most often is Jesus. The power of prayer. Yikes, right? Yeah... that's how I feel. Too often I find myself engaging in simplistic prayers that barely brush the surface, when really prayer should be like breathing - you should want to welcome Jesus into EVERYTHING, to be real, open, and brutally honest about our feelings and emotions. When we keep things from Him, we are basically saying that we are happy with a superficial relationship with Him. Worry about things in place of God, is putting those things as Idols. Uh oh...

I don't want to preach to you. That's not my job, or my calling. But God was working in my heart this morning, and I felt inclined to share. To see God is amazing. To know God is amazing. To realize that He is working in your life, is inspiring... encouraging. I am guilty of not running to God in the midst of my fears, and anxieties. I will pour my heart out to my friends, or to my journal/blog... but I am hesitant to pour it out to God. God is the first place I should be running, to lay everything down at His feet and ask for His help. And furthermore, I should be thanking Him for who He is. That I have a friend so amazing, so loving, that He would take all of my weight onto His shoulders. He possesses the power to fill us with peace, with joy, in spite of everything the world throws on us. But, so often, we ignore that.

We are in need of a deep prayer life. An ongoing, intimate, relationship with God. Just as we would form a relationship with a friend, we need to be honest with God in order for that relationship to grow. I want that. A friend like that... a friend who will never fail me, never leave me, never forsake me... a friend who will always love me unconditionally, no matter what. What a gift. What a joy! We can never lose God. Ever. He is always there. And to delight in that should be our constant desire. It is possible to live a life free from worry, anxiety, and fear... it is possible through God. All things are possible through God, if only we are willing to run to Him - continually, over and over again. You have been given a gift - don't take Him for granted.

A Cordial Cup

Let me start off by saying this: I am a coffee addict. And I mean that wholeheartedly. It is serious enough that I have looked up "Caffeine Addicts Anonymous" on the e-net and tried to figure out steps to decrease my caffeine (coffee) dependence. I blame this addiction on my mother, who started me off drinking coffee at a young age - always saying that she would rather have me drinking coffee than pop. Which, I would agree to as well. As a result, I never, or rarely, drink pop. So I suppose that tactic worked out well. However, it has left me with an extreme addiction to coffee. Which of course, has led me to form a rather opinionated view on how I like my coffee. To be truthful, I am rather versatile. If there is coffee to drink, I will drink it - in some form or another. At home, I drink it one of two ways - either black (straight up) or with vanilla soy milk (my favv). It's inexpensive. It's grand. It makes my mornings worthwhile. Still, I do treat myself to coffee on a regular basis... at least once a week. Being a college student, I require a lot of coffee to stay alert and on top of my task. And as wonderful as a fresh pot of coffee is, it gets boring to simply make pot after pot on a daily basis. (yes, i just said i can drink multiple pots of coffee a day. guilty). And so, I buy coffee.

Now, here is where the real issue comes in. Making coffee at home is the easy part - unless you have a fancy latte machine, or coffee maker, your choices are limited, and you learn to delight in simplicity. However, when you go out and buy coffee... suddenly you are presented with a world of options. Regular Brew. Iced. Latte. Americano. Espresso. Cappuccino. Flavoring. How many shots of espresso. What kind of milk. Special Holiday flavors. New drinks. The list goes on and on... How does a coffee lover ever choose? Honestly, its not that hard. Because, coffee lovers know what they love whereas amateurs are more prone to explore. I mean, I will venture every now and then and try something new - but I know what I like. Those drinks are my friends, and I hold them dear to me. So. Normally, I enjoy either a regular cup of Joe (with cream) or i will mix it up with a shot of Vanilla. Or, if I am getting a latte (which I LOVE to do), I most likely will get Vanilla or Irish Creme. Now - where is the best place to get coffee? 

Coffee lovers, stand your ground. Own your coffee of choice. But this is my opinion. First of all, I have to admit that Starbucks has enjoyed a lot of my business... 1) Because my Uncle gives me a Gift Card every year for a $100 2) The two colleges I have attended have/had locations very close to school. aka The Convenience Factor. So... I am guilty of supporting corporate coffee. However, this is not my choice, or love. I greatly prefer, by a hundred times, non-corporately owned businesses. By that I mean - no franchises. No Dunn Bros. No Starbucks. No Caribou. No Panera. Anywhere that sells coffee across the world does not get my vote. I prefer little, locally owned businesses. In my hometown, we have little coffee huts everywhere, owned by different people. Super cute, drive up facilities, that I believe, make some of the best coffee around. To me, it tastes better. Unfortunately I have never worked in a coffee shop (tragic, i know) so I can't tell you what the distinct difference is (variance of ingredients, etc). But, I can just tell you its better. Another reason I think this is, is due to the quality of service, and customer appreciation.

For example. I have been in Greeley now for a whole semester, and so naturally I have been using the said gift card given by my uncle for my little coffee breaks throughout the year. Starbucks has been my friend, my savior, in desperate times of studying needs. However, I have been lacking... craving for something more. A few days ago, I found it. Nestled behind a Walgreens a few blocks from my house... is Your Place Coffee. A tiny venue with a few tables, and a couple couches. The atmosphere is perfect, and I was greeted with a friendly face. I went there two days in a row, and already the girls at the counter knew my name. That, right there, is part of the difference. I bet you I went to Starbucks consecutive days in a row on multiple occasions throughout this semester and saw a variety of different employees, and none of them ever knew me. There is something about getting a cup of coffee from someone who is genuinely in the business to serve. Who created the establishment because they enjoy that kind of connection, and who have hired people who enjoy the same. And so, whether the coffee turns out better or not, I am more willing to support those small businesses. Because they're in it for people (most of the time). I feel better on spending my money on coffee that is made by people who recognize my face and ask how my day is going, then a corporate business that is all about expansion and increased revenue. I love coffee, but I love it more coming from people who love it too. I believe the atmosphere contributes to an excellent coffee experience... and that is why I prefer little coffee cafe's/huts to businesses like Starbucks. 

Coffee is very important to me, and I take it seriously. I am an addict. I am a lover. I am a friend. An avid supporter. A frequent flier. A life-long subscriber. Coffee makes the world go round. Coffee is God's way of telling me He loves me :) Coffee gives me beautiful mornings, wonderful conversations with friends, enjoyable evenings, strength to study. There is something about the simple aroma, the warmth that gets me, time and time again, keeps me coming back for me. Coffee = Love, and I believe it is important how you go about drinking it. Choose wisely my friends, the right cup of coffee can make a world of difference.

friends vs. lovers

Chances are, most of us have been involved in platonic friendships in our lives: close, involved, non-sexual relationships with a member of the opposite sex. These friendships are rare and special, they provide a friendship that is not possible with members of the same sex. They are a breath of fresh air. And, they are often met with skepticism from others. You know, "There is no way you guys are 'Just Friends'" Or the constant inquiry - "Are you sure you don't like him?" It can start to become very frustrating, constantly trying to explain that you really are, just friends. Yes, platonic friendships are tricky. And some might simply deem that they are not possible, because, at some point, one person ends up falling for the other. I both agree and disagree with this statement. 

I think that often times we start to question our feelings for the other person because of other people that doubt the relationship. When you are constantly having to deny you care about someone as more than a friend there is a part of you that second guesses yourself. We are just friends (aren't we?). If other people are questioning your platonic relationship, does that mean you should too? Do they see something you don't? Furthermore, when you become so close to a member of the opposite sex its hard not to entertain ideas that exceed beyond friendship. It's how we are programmed. Females are attracted to males, and males are attracted to females. (Yes, duh.) And obviously, when you come to trust someone so much in a friendship it is easy to wonder if you would be just as compatible as more than friends. There is a reason why you make great friends, so would you make great lovers? Hmm. :) 

Throughout my lifetime, I have dealt with these kinds of questions on multiple occasions. In one example, a four year friendship actually did lead to both of us developing feelings for each other and taking things to the next level. Sometimes, it really does work for relationships to develop out of friendships. But, I ended up losing that person as a "significant other" (or whatever we were for the time being), and as a friend. Which brings another complication into the picture. If you do develop feelings for the other person, what do you do about it? You could risk the friendship for something more in hopes of finding something great, or... you could risk your relationship and lose it all. In that case, I'm not really sure its worth it. Often times, I think these rare friendships are worth more than risking losing them entirely. But, I guess thats your call. 

And then, there are the friendships that really are just that - friendships. That person is someone you can count on. Someone you can call. Someone you can have fun with, just hang out, relax, chat, grab dinner. That person is someone special in your life. You always have a good time. On some level, you love them in a platonic way. And through this wonderful connection, you start to wonder if you have more feelings. In my thought process, often times I just think - they are such a good friend, maybe I should like them. But I think underneath it all, there is a reason why I am just friends with those boys. On some level, I know that it really wouldn't work out. But, that doesn't keep me from wondering. And I think that is only natural. Because sometimes things do reach the next level, sometimes best friends really do become more than friends. 

But if it doesn't happen for you, stand strong. If you really are, "just friends" with a member of the opposite sex, know that its okay. Platonic relationships are possible, despite all the skepticism. I think that the people who constantly question you, are just jealous. :) So, stick up for your friendship. Delight in knowing that you are lucky enough to have a rare friendship with a member of the opposite sex. Friendships with the opposite sex give you something that your girlfriends or guy friends cannot, because males and females are different, and we correspond in different ways. And that is something to treasure. Sometimes, friends do turn into lovers. And sometimes, friends do remain friends. Either way, its a good thing. So delight in that. 

I'm not really sure if this made sense... ha. But I have really been struggling with my past friendships with boys, and friendships in my present. Due to past situations, current situations, intricate conversations, and questioning motives, its hard not to wonder. Plus, a woman's brain is constantly going. Thanks God :) Just had to put some of this into written form. Any thoughts? Loves everyone.