addiction

Why did she always let this happen? Allow him to break her heart and then fall for his apologies... only to be forgotten again a couple of weeks later. Everytime he said it would be different... he really did care, he really did want them to be together, he sincerely wanted to try to make it work. Wrong. All he wanted was sex, and she was nieve enough to think that if she gave it to him...if she told him how much she loved him, he would stick around.
He didn't care about her, he didn't care how she felt. All he cared about was her body, and getting laid when no one else was around. As soon as another girl was available... he was gone as quick as a sprinter from the blocks. No "I'm sorry", no "you deserve better"...just him saying, "Thanks... we both knew a relationship would never work out anyways." And she would silently nod and watch him leave.
How could she be in love with someone who treated her so horribly? How could she be in love with someone...who didn't love her back? She knew why. At one point he had been a different person, and he had cared for her and only her. He had genuinely been interested in her thoughts and feelings and not just how many times they could have sex in one night. At one point... he had loved her.
She didn't know where that guy had gone... but she was so caught up in trying to get him back that she let him beat her down, time after time... even though the weeks that followed were accompianed by never-ending tears.
It had been 3 months since the last occurence and now here she was finally drifting off to sleep when the phone rang.
"Hello?" She answered groggily.
"Dana it's Ben. I'm coming over." the voice said before hanging up, not even giving her time to respond.
It was him. Oh God it was him and he was coming over right now... at 2 o'clock in the morning. Damnit. She couldn't let him do this to her again. She was just finally starting to realize that she deserved better... she was forcing herself to get over him and now he had to call. God, what was she going to do? She was going to do the only thing she could do. Make him leave. When he got here, she would tell him that she was no longer going to be his fuck buddy. She was no longer going to be a phone call away anytime he was so horny that he couldn't last any longer without sex. It was done... she had let her heart get broken too many times, and she knew if she let it happen again, she wouldn't be able to handle it. 20 minutes passed before the doorbell rang. She took a deep breath before walking to the door.
As she opened it the cold winter air hit her instantly, and her thin tanktop did nothing to keep her warm. Good, she thought subconsciously... make him realize what he's missing. She saw him standing there, and he greeted her with that famous smile. God, why did he have to be so gorgeous.
"Hey babe." He said as he moved to step inside; but she held her arm out across the door.
"No Ben. You're not coming in." She responded, shivering. Her legs, clad in boy-shorts, began to shake.
"What do you mean I'm not coming in?" He asked, and his brow wrinkled like it did when he was on the verge of becoming angry.
"You're not coming in." She repeated. "I'm done with letting you pick me up whenever you god damn feel like it. I'm not just going to let you in whenever you need to get laid. I loved you Ben, but the person I fell in love with is gone, and I don't want anything to do with who you are now. So I want you to leave. Now." She took a deep breath...hardly believing she had just said that.
He stared at her for a second then started to laugh. She didn't know what was going on. How was that funny? She looked at him, puzzled, as he continued to roar with laughter. Finally he stopped abruptly, the smile gone.
"You think that after all this time I'm just going to let you tell me what to do. I don't think so Dana. I've been telling you what to do for the past year, and tonite its not going to be any different. I came for something, and I'm not leaving until I get it." With that he shoved his way in, grabbing her in his arms before he closed the door.
"No Ben." She said pleading and scared. "I said leave."
He didn't listen. He picked her up and carried her upstairs to her room... yet not easily. She cried the whole way, trying to free herself from his grasp, but achieving nothing. She had always admired his strong arms, and now... she hated herself for ever thinking those arms would keep her safe.
Once in the bedroom he flung her onto the bed, climbing on top of her and pinning her arms down before she could even respond. By this point she was crying uncontrollably and she knew she no longer had any control of what he was about to do.
He pulled off his shirt with one hand, and then moved to hers. She pushed at him, making the decision right then that she would not make this easy for him, but after a few minutes of struggling she was wearing nothing. His boxers remained and she knew he was going to torture her before doing what he had come to do. She was right.
He moved his mouth next to her ear, the whole time holding her body down with his, not allowing her to move an inch.
"Hey Dana. This is fun huh? I don't know why you wanted me to leave... I think you and I are going to have a great time tonight." As he spoke she felt him slide his fingers inside of her... roughly, moving around inside of her like he was digging for something. She gasped in pain and the tears were now falling without any sign of stopping.
Then he grabbed for her breasts; squeezing hard, giving no second thoughts to the pain he was causing. His mouth moved to them... sucking, biting, and she knew she would have bruises. She tried not to think about what was happening... She tried to pretend that she was someplace else, but it was near impossible. After what seemed like hours, he finally pulled off his boxers and pushed himself inside of her. She had never felt anything so painful, so rough. He had never been like this before, and now he was making her pay for telling him how she had felt for so long. God, either way she lost. Would she ever free herself from him? Would she ever feel whole again? Would she ever be able to move on; especially after this?
Finally he pulled out. She was shaking and still crying and he got up and looked at her like she was the most pathetic thing she had ever seen. He looked at her, and he smiled.
"Thanks Dana. Like always...its been great." And with that he got dressed and walked out of her room. She heard the front door slam, and his car drive away. She sat up, wrapped her arms around her legs and cried.
How had she ever loved him? He was the worst guy she had ever met... and now she was left to deal with the consequences of ever giving him her heart. That night she cried herself to sleep, not even taking time to get dressed. In her dreams she was safe, and in the morning she realized...
That night she finally had found a reason to stop loving him.

a glass smile

paint her smile on like glass. smooth, shiny, and fragile.
be careful not to break it.
for once its broken it shatters into hundreds of little pieces...that can cut so deep, you'll regret not being there when she needed you. telling her she meant nothing. ignoring her when she said hello. and breaking her heart.
now whos hurting? can you feel it? the sharp glass tearing through your heart. through your eyes...ripping out all that pride...
we told you. we told you not to break her smile.
you didn't listen. and now. you're bleeding away your inconsiderate choices.

when you break her smile... you pay the consequences.

just cry

[sometimes] you just have to cry. don't go looking for an explanation [sometimes] there isn't one. we all break down. [sometimes] we all feel abandoned... confused... scared... hurt... depressed... unloved...[sometimes] we just get so tired. tired of all the lies...the let-downs...the regrets...the mistakes...the dissapointments...the bad days...and the pain.
[sometimes] you just have to cry. its not some special cure for your despondent emotions but [sometimes] it just makes you feel better.

if you have something to say... don't hesitate

Bare feet, flawless porcelain skin, standing on an old wooden swing... hidden away in the forest. The combination of the feet and the knees, propels her body back and forth causing her to sway slowly with the wind. Her hands grasp the rusty chains attached to the tree above and she softly whispers something which is unable to be heard. Suddenly tired of standing she steps down from the swing, her feet stepping into the grass below. It is soft as it goes between her toes, and she walks away from the swing taking small steps. Abruptly she sinks to the ground, her face pale... she wraps her arms around her knees and bows her head. A solitary tear soon appears traveling down her face, ending its trail at her chin as she wipes it away. She wishes to get up and continue home but she is frozen in place, struck by the overwhelming emotion she has been trying to hide away for days, yet now unable to pretend any longer. (A normal person at this point would assume a boy, a long time lover, had shattered her heart... however you would be sadly mistaken) Overwhelmed by an unending sickness in the past months she had traveled to the doctor a few days prior, only to discover after endless hours of poking and proding that she was dying. Dying with an uncurable disease that had overtaken her body and was slowly eating away at her health. Soon her flawless porcelain skin would be seen on display one last time before it was put beneath the earth. Her life was coming to a close and she did not know how to cope with it. All her past mistakes, and regrets were throwing themselves into the front of her mind and she was trying to make peace with it all. She was only seventeen... she had barely lived and now she would have to say goodbye. Her parents had given her these last couple days to deal with it, promising not to tell a soul until she was ready. She would never be ready for this. How could any person be ready for death, when they had barely even lived? Yet that was the way it was; and she knew she could hide no longer. She got up slowly, and her feet carried her towards home, leaving faint footprints in the moist ground... A few weeks later her footprints in the forest are gone, as well as her body. Still she has left footprints in the hearts of those who loved her.

and this is what i do...

The memory blared in her mind like a siren that went on forever, proclaiming a never-ending catastrophe. Every time she saw him it shrieked louder, causing her temples to throb and her hands to sweat. She couldn't even concentrate on the smallest task...The memory took over her mind and she lost all control of remaining sane. Soon she was a walking zombie ignoring anything and everyone that crossed her path. Her friends couldn't reach her, for they had no idea what had taken place just weeks before.
After a month, her zombie-like characteristics changed into a drug fed craze. She lived and breathed any alcohol or drugs she could get her hands on. She stopped coming to class and instead starting spending her time with the other "potheads" and "partiers." The sweet, innocent girl that had once been was now the druggie; the senior class's student body president was now the girl in the back row lighting up and making out with her punk-rock boyfriend. The girl she once was…was no longer.
Her old friends watched her life slide downhill. From their point of view their was no hope. Nothing anyone could do to pull her out of the place she was in. And still they remained oblivious to the one person she had once trusted her heart and soul to. Until one day. One of the few days when she decided to grace everyone with her presence and come to class.
She had made it through half of second period when she decided she needed a cigarrette. She walked out of class, sat on an outside bench, and lit up. Her long brown hair blew back in the wind and her body chilled. The light blue tank top she was wearing did nothing to disguise her breasts, especially since she found it most comfortable to go without a bra. She had to tuck her short black skirt between her legs to keep it from flying up, yet she crossed her legs, exposing the black laced underwear beneath. As she sat there inhaling her nicotine he walked up and stood in front of her.
She hesitated for a moment and her lips quinched together. Then just as quickly her stone cold expression returned and she blew the smoke directly into his face. He tried to act like it didn’t faze him but in truth he was appalled. He couldn’t believe this was her, the girl he had once loved with all his heart. He barely recognized her at all. Yet he knew he was the one that had to talk to her and at least attempt to have her share what she was feeling. Still it was not going to be easy, he had no idea where to start, no idea what to say. He once could share everything with her and now he could barely say hello.
Finally he let it all out, everything he knew she needed to hear and everything he knew he needed to say. He told her he was sorry for doing what he did, treating her like a piece of ass around his friends and then being another way when they were alone. He told her that he didn’t know why he treated her that way, because he had never wanted to hurt her. She had meant the world to him and he had ruined that by one night when he had decided he had wanted it all. He told her he would die to take it all back, and to see her smile again. To be able to hold her in his arms and protect her without harming her. He apologized for taking so long to talk to her, but he was hurting too and he hadn’t known what to say.
It was the end of third period when he finally stopped talking. He was crying and he had taken a seat on the bench beside her, not close enough for contact, but close enough for her to hear his scattered breathing as he tried to get out all he had to say. She had stopped smoking her cigarrette and her heavy black eyeliner ran down her face. She tried to wipe it away but all that caused where huge black streaks. Her eyes were puffy and her hands were sweaty and inside her head…a soothing sound played. She had waited 3 months to hear those words and now that she had she felt a sort of peace, and yet at the same time panic. What did she say back?
She looked at him, and for the first time in 3 months…she smiled. A small smile that barely pushed up the corners of her mouth, accompianed by more and more tears. Her hands start to shake and she couldn’t control the way she was feeling. She wanted to yell at him so bad, just to punish him for all the pain she had gone through, but she couldn’t. All she could do was lay her head on his lap and cry. Cry; as he stroked her long brown hair and put his arms around her, taking away the wind’s cold and replacing it with his warmth.