it was just another day. and this was just another moment. one of those hold your breath and stare moments... the kind they put in movies to get you to pay attention. to tell you that this is important. this is a make or break situation, and you have no control over what the outcome will be. all you can do is watch. watch her as she gets into her car and pull out of the driveway. the tears are streaming down her face... but there is nothing you can do. your chance to speak has passed. those small seconds you had to make her hurt lessen are gone. she is driving away and you have no idea where she is going...
[god damn i hate him. everyone thinks he is so nice. so caring. and yet he is just like every other guy... how could i be so stupid? because i always fall for the charm. i am one of those people who are optimistic enough to say that this one is gonna be different. this time i am going to be the girl who walks away with him holding my hand. this time it won't end with tears... i have been hurt enough in the past, surely it won't happen again. it just can't. oh but it did. fuck. i just want to scream. expose my heart and yell at him - at all of them. for all the times i have spent putting myself back together, and still seeing the scars, day after day... never being able to forget. when will my time come? this scene is getting old. i want a new episode. something that hasn't been done before. oh please god...]
somewhere between the moment she got in her car (she began to realize that life is full of re-runs. people take comfort in seeing them because at least they know how they will end. and what can be done afterwards. we keep watching them over and over again until something new airs that grabs our attention. sometimes it takes a long time to find something that has the same grasp on you. and so the problem lies in how patient you are. how long you are willing to wait. she was crying. the tears rolling down her face. she just didn't know how much more she could take... oh!) and the crash.
suddenly the pain stopped. everything stopped. the car stopped upside down in the ditch. the car that saw her cross the intersection and get hit by the oncoming car stopped. the car that had hit her - spun and stopped. a woman in her mid-fifties got out of the damaged vehicle. a young man got out of the other. they both ran to her car. tried to see if she was okay. she wasn't moving. her eyes were closed and hands drooped lifelessly down. she hung suspended from her seatbelt. the woman got on her cell phone.
and the young man - began to cry.
November 26, 2007
November 12, 2007
rollercoaster
here it goes again. the never-ending rollercoaster. slowly it is moving up, higher and higher. please just get it over with. the anticipation is too much to bear. everyone knows it is coming. the drop. the fall. the tears accompained by no explanation. the edge is getting closer. eyes tightly shut... just do it already. oh stop. scared again. these feelings will never come easily. and when they end, the rollercoaster will again have a rider. that one faithful rider who lives for the drop. without the fall - who would they be?
she lets them pick her up and do as they please. slowly they move further... getting more and move involved. she lives for the antcipation. the nights beside the phone wondering when he will call. she knows what that call means. when it comes she becomes nervous, like she has never done this before. yet the whole world could tell you she is quite experienced.
and so it begins. first with a hello and a smile. the tv or soft music plays in the background. they begin to flirt until he makes his move. the move he know will be greeted with a responding gesture. that first kiss always makes the rollercoaster start rolling. her mind whirls with anticipation as their tongues touch and their mouths engage in this familiar, yet new experience. for each one is different, and each time is exciting. after a few moments, his hands will move to her breasts. she does not show any signs of resistance. she does not play hard to get. in fact she waits for more. oh please. more. don't stop now.
that moment when she feels the top button of her jeans release is when she knows. its coming. they are started to move faster. hurry. keep going. and they always do. why stop when farther is an option? people never stop wanting more. a little is never good enough. there always has to be a push for that next step. one more mile. something bigger. and once that goal is achieved, there is no going back.
and so she gets on. again and again. riding the rollercoaster. she lives for the anticipation. the climax. the pleasure. the thrill of something familiar yet unique and new each time. they all eagerly let her climb aboard. she is beautiful. she is willing. she is available - no strings attached. yes, she will fall. she will cry. but that is something they will never know. something irrelevant... because no matter how much it leaves her feeling empty. she just can't stop riding.
she lets them pick her up and do as they please. slowly they move further... getting more and move involved. she lives for the antcipation. the nights beside the phone wondering when he will call. she knows what that call means. when it comes she becomes nervous, like she has never done this before. yet the whole world could tell you she is quite experienced.
and so it begins. first with a hello and a smile. the tv or soft music plays in the background. they begin to flirt until he makes his move. the move he know will be greeted with a responding gesture. that first kiss always makes the rollercoaster start rolling. her mind whirls with anticipation as their tongues touch and their mouths engage in this familiar, yet new experience. for each one is different, and each time is exciting. after a few moments, his hands will move to her breasts. she does not show any signs of resistance. she does not play hard to get. in fact she waits for more. oh please. more. don't stop now.
that moment when she feels the top button of her jeans release is when she knows. its coming. they are started to move faster. hurry. keep going. and they always do. why stop when farther is an option? people never stop wanting more. a little is never good enough. there always has to be a push for that next step. one more mile. something bigger. and once that goal is achieved, there is no going back.
and so she gets on. again and again. riding the rollercoaster. she lives for the anticipation. the climax. the pleasure. the thrill of something familiar yet unique and new each time. they all eagerly let her climb aboard. she is beautiful. she is willing. she is available - no strings attached. yes, she will fall. she will cry. but that is something they will never know. something irrelevant... because no matter how much it leaves her feeling empty. she just can't stop riding.
November 09, 2007
stand still
she stood there. waiting for him to say something. to tell her it was going to be okay. that there was something more than what had just happened. she needed him to say something. but the words just never came. they seem to never come. more than moments, she has waited hours. weeks. months. years. to hear the words she needs to hear. why don't they ever come?
she is broken and confused. walking away from him the tears stream down her cheeks. oh this pain is all too familiar. yet with every experience it seems to hurt more than the last. tearing into her soul and breaking apart all prior progress. the battle once again lost she has been defeated. she has given in and surrendered... gave away all she had been fighting for. oh the pain she knows too well. its not like she doesn't know it is coming. it always does. afterwards, it never fails to hit her - knocking the wind out of her.
she is standing still. willing for something extraordinary to happen. hoping that someone or something will come along and then it will stop. oh please - just stop. the teasing. the tempting. the false promises and the people who are not what they seem. she is surrounded by fog. in the midst of the dark she is without a light. so she does not move. if she stays, maybe eventually - someone will come. she is praying. she is hoping. and she is crying.
oh God, save her.
she is broken and confused. walking away from him the tears stream down her cheeks. oh this pain is all too familiar. yet with every experience it seems to hurt more than the last. tearing into her soul and breaking apart all prior progress. the battle once again lost she has been defeated. she has given in and surrendered... gave away all she had been fighting for. oh the pain she knows too well. its not like she doesn't know it is coming. it always does. afterwards, it never fails to hit her - knocking the wind out of her.
she is standing still. willing for something extraordinary to happen. hoping that someone or something will come along and then it will stop. oh please - just stop. the teasing. the tempting. the false promises and the people who are not what they seem. she is surrounded by fog. in the midst of the dark she is without a light. so she does not move. if she stays, maybe eventually - someone will come. she is praying. she is hoping. and she is crying.
oh God, save her.
November 07, 2007
hidden idenity
he was her best friend. the guy who had been there for the past four years of her life. through thick and thin. what had started as an initial attraction had turned into something deeper. she had trusted him with everything. no matter how long it had been since the last time they had talked, she always knew she could call him if there was no where else to turn. if she asked, he would come - ready to help in any way he could. even if that just meant a listening ear and a caring hug. she had always wondered if there was something more - but throughout the years there had always been other guys who had attracted her attention. guys he seemed to never like or approve of. she never seemed to pay attention. all she knew was that he was still always there, whether or not she was attached to someone else.
one night amongst a chaos of unexplainable hurt, and drunken actions - he was there. there to hold her as she once again poured out her heart. and for the first time - there was something more than friendship in the situation. four years later, they shared their first kiss. both affected by alcohol she played it off as not a big deal and willed for it to never happen again. she was happy that he had been there on that night, but she felt awkward about what had happened, and wished they had just continued going the way they always had. she sweared that was the beginning and the end.
yet what fun are mistakes unless they are made again? mistakes are never learned the first time. they should be... but it is unlikely. and so fast-forward a few months and there they were again. three nights of pure physical interaction. nothing big, nothing she hadn't done before... in fact less than she had done before... but it was intense. and it felt wrong. she knew she had to get out. she knew that it would never work. and so she ended it. amidst tears and confusion... she walked away. best decision of her life. for only after did she began to see him for who he really was.
that trustworthy guy she knew - compulsive liar. not thinking twice about hurting someone. constantly changing his story. getting caught every time. lucky enough to have friends who knew him as well she began to learn the truth. he had never been who she thought he was. and thats what hurts someone the most - realizing that something thought to be worth so much effort, was actually never worth it at all. in the end, it would have been better to never get involved in the first place, because the pain and hurt that comes with the final blow is unlike any ever imagined or possible. but how would she have ever known that? she had invested emotions into that friendship. and now thinking about him makes her sick. every message she sees on facebook that she ignores makes her cringe. she can't stand to think of the kisses she gave him because thinking of it makes her sick to her stomach. to be able to see into people before you get to know them would save a person a lot of heartache. but then how would people learn to trust?
taking chances. giving away pieces of yourself. its scary. it could end in tragedy. but its a chance that has to be taken... or else fear would run our lives. and we would never get anywhere.
one night amongst a chaos of unexplainable hurt, and drunken actions - he was there. there to hold her as she once again poured out her heart. and for the first time - there was something more than friendship in the situation. four years later, they shared their first kiss. both affected by alcohol she played it off as not a big deal and willed for it to never happen again. she was happy that he had been there on that night, but she felt awkward about what had happened, and wished they had just continued going the way they always had. she sweared that was the beginning and the end.
yet what fun are mistakes unless they are made again? mistakes are never learned the first time. they should be... but it is unlikely. and so fast-forward a few months and there they were again. three nights of pure physical interaction. nothing big, nothing she hadn't done before... in fact less than she had done before... but it was intense. and it felt wrong. she knew she had to get out. she knew that it would never work. and so she ended it. amidst tears and confusion... she walked away. best decision of her life. for only after did she began to see him for who he really was.
that trustworthy guy she knew - compulsive liar. not thinking twice about hurting someone. constantly changing his story. getting caught every time. lucky enough to have friends who knew him as well she began to learn the truth. he had never been who she thought he was. and thats what hurts someone the most - realizing that something thought to be worth so much effort, was actually never worth it at all. in the end, it would have been better to never get involved in the first place, because the pain and hurt that comes with the final blow is unlike any ever imagined or possible. but how would she have ever known that? she had invested emotions into that friendship. and now thinking about him makes her sick. every message she sees on facebook that she ignores makes her cringe. she can't stand to think of the kisses she gave him because thinking of it makes her sick to her stomach. to be able to see into people before you get to know them would save a person a lot of heartache. but then how would people learn to trust?
taking chances. giving away pieces of yourself. its scary. it could end in tragedy. but its a chance that has to be taken... or else fear would run our lives. and we would never get anywhere.
college life
high school is told to be the time of your life. maybe its because when you're in high school you are still allowed to be "young" and completely unaware of the real world and all sense of responsibility. your house, the bed you sleep in, the food you eat - costs you nothing. your parents are in a sense employed to supply for your every need. you have problems, but they pass. yes, high school was a good time - filled with care-free nights, and homework that rarely ever took longer than 10 minutes. basketball games, dances, picnics, surrounded by familiar faces - if you didn't know them, you at least probably recognized them.
there is a world filled with experiences that are almost all completely brand-new. no longer do you go from your home to school but rather your school is your home. the mattress that makes up your bed has been previously slept on - it is not really your own. your room is no longer a private space - it is shared with someone you most likely have just met. you rarely ever see a familiar face in the first stages of this new life. and still after time, it is a ray of light to see someone you recognize. oh and wait, here comes a big one - you are completley on your own. stop. not a little bit. not for some things. you are completely, 100% responsible for everything. you want to go out on a wednesday night but you have homework? hmm. well mom isn't there to say you can't. you can if you want. you can blow off as much school as you want, and no body is going to care. your professors do not know you. you know in high school you would play games so you and the teacher could learn everyone's names? yea that doesn't happen anymore. professors are there to teach, not to get personal. if you miss a day of class they will not come up to you when you return and tell you what you missed or ask where you have been. you are responsible for figuring it out on your own. and you know all those people you "left behind"? well they are still part of your life, and they still mean something to you. but they are somewhere else and you have no control or part in anything that happens where they are. surprising things will happen and you will have no idea until they tell you - and once they tell you, you are still alone on your own dealing with it - unable to have any say in it.
welcome to college. where life could be a constant party and no one would ever have to know - because no one is here to care. you are here to shape the rest of your entire life. sound simple? nah i didn't think so. your future is at stake and it is left in your hands. you can rely completely on your opinion and impulses and see how well it turns out. but thats a lot of decisions to make on your own free will. but are you willing to put in the effort it takes to get involved in the right kind of things? are you willing to make your spiritual walk an important part of your life? your parents, the friends who were there to encourage you aren't there anymore to hold you accountable - are you going to be strong enough to stay on the right path. or will frustration get the best of you?
college is an amazing experience. don't take what has been said above the wrong way. you finally have the opportunity to find out who you are without any previous "ties" influencing your life. you can choose who you want to hang out with, and what you want to do. the options are endless and the choice - well its yours to make. be careful though - its a lot of power. test it out carefully, and use it a little at a time until you know what you can do with it - and where that power can lead to. remember this is more than just another chapter in life - it is the rising action. it is going to shape you to who you are going to become.
there is a world filled with experiences that are almost all completely brand-new. no longer do you go from your home to school but rather your school is your home. the mattress that makes up your bed has been previously slept on - it is not really your own. your room is no longer a private space - it is shared with someone you most likely have just met. you rarely ever see a familiar face in the first stages of this new life. and still after time, it is a ray of light to see someone you recognize. oh and wait, here comes a big one - you are completley on your own. stop. not a little bit. not for some things. you are completely, 100% responsible for everything. you want to go out on a wednesday night but you have homework? hmm. well mom isn't there to say you can't. you can if you want. you can blow off as much school as you want, and no body is going to care. your professors do not know you. you know in high school you would play games so you and the teacher could learn everyone's names? yea that doesn't happen anymore. professors are there to teach, not to get personal. if you miss a day of class they will not come up to you when you return and tell you what you missed or ask where you have been. you are responsible for figuring it out on your own. and you know all those people you "left behind"? well they are still part of your life, and they still mean something to you. but they are somewhere else and you have no control or part in anything that happens where they are. surprising things will happen and you will have no idea until they tell you - and once they tell you, you are still alone on your own dealing with it - unable to have any say in it.
welcome to college. where life could be a constant party and no one would ever have to know - because no one is here to care. you are here to shape the rest of your entire life. sound simple? nah i didn't think so. your future is at stake and it is left in your hands. you can rely completely on your opinion and impulses and see how well it turns out. but thats a lot of decisions to make on your own free will. but are you willing to put in the effort it takes to get involved in the right kind of things? are you willing to make your spiritual walk an important part of your life? your parents, the friends who were there to encourage you aren't there anymore to hold you accountable - are you going to be strong enough to stay on the right path. or will frustration get the best of you?
college is an amazing experience. don't take what has been said above the wrong way. you finally have the opportunity to find out who you are without any previous "ties" influencing your life. you can choose who you want to hang out with, and what you want to do. the options are endless and the choice - well its yours to make. be careful though - its a lot of power. test it out carefully, and use it a little at a time until you know what you can do with it - and where that power can lead to. remember this is more than just another chapter in life - it is the rising action. it is going to shape you to who you are going to become.
November 04, 2007
hurt/pain
why is it that the things that hurt us the most are the things we hold on to harder than the rest? the experiences that have brought us to our knees, brought us to bottom, the ones we wish would dissapear from our minds... why are they the ones that we always remember? it seems like the times that have brought us pain are the ones we can remember perfectly, moment by moment. we seem to replay them in our minds... as if some unseen aspect will jump out at us and suddenly we will understand why things happened that way. as if, by thinking about it over and over we will be able to find the answer we have been searching for since the instance it happened.
yet it drives us crazy. we just want to be able to let it go, but thinking about it makes us holder on harder than ever. being able to remember the pain, makes it stay real. and keeping it real, makes us stay alive. in order to live, we have to be able to experience all sorts of emotions. happiness, sadness, frustration, joy, pain, hurt... and a lot of things can make us smile. even if its only for an instant. a friendly wave, the sun in the sky, laughter from a friend... happiness will always come back around, but pain makes us feel something more.
pain is not something that happens for an instance; it is something that stays with us long after the moment has past. it impacts us in a way that all other feelings can't. it is different. it causes us to self-reflect and analyze our lives, focus on our decisions, and where we went wrong. pain is why people change, why they give up, or why they get stronger. the hurt ignites something in us that makes us burn. and it sucks... but we can't let it go.
and since it will always be a part of us, the real question boils down to how we will deal with it. it's okay to keep it close to you, but only if you are letting it make you a better person. if you are taking that hurt and remembering how much you don't want to feel it again... once is enough. or at least that is the hope. we've all heard the saying, keep your friends close and your enemies closer... well how about, keep happiness near, but pain right by your side. don't let it eat you alive, for that is not the purpose. but let it propel you forward. let it be a constant reminder of a time you wish to never relive. and let that be the fuel that changes you into a better, wiser person.
yet it drives us crazy. we just want to be able to let it go, but thinking about it makes us holder on harder than ever. being able to remember the pain, makes it stay real. and keeping it real, makes us stay alive. in order to live, we have to be able to experience all sorts of emotions. happiness, sadness, frustration, joy, pain, hurt... and a lot of things can make us smile. even if its only for an instant. a friendly wave, the sun in the sky, laughter from a friend... happiness will always come back around, but pain makes us feel something more.
pain is not something that happens for an instance; it is something that stays with us long after the moment has past. it impacts us in a way that all other feelings can't. it is different. it causes us to self-reflect and analyze our lives, focus on our decisions, and where we went wrong. pain is why people change, why they give up, or why they get stronger. the hurt ignites something in us that makes us burn. and it sucks... but we can't let it go.
and since it will always be a part of us, the real question boils down to how we will deal with it. it's okay to keep it close to you, but only if you are letting it make you a better person. if you are taking that hurt and remembering how much you don't want to feel it again... once is enough. or at least that is the hope. we've all heard the saying, keep your friends close and your enemies closer... well how about, keep happiness near, but pain right by your side. don't let it eat you alive, for that is not the purpose. but let it propel you forward. let it be a constant reminder of a time you wish to never relive. and let that be the fuel that changes you into a better, wiser person.
November 03, 2007
second best
life is constant struggle of trying to achieve what we "want", or think we want. and when we don't grasp it, we are often found settling for second best. which leaves still yearning for the thing we wanted in the first place. why do we let ourselves get caught up in temporary satisfaction? in circumstances that bring a smile to our faces for a few minutes, hours even... but afterwards leave us feeling somewhat empty and alone.
because even if it only is temporary -- in those moments, we feel what we want to feel. we are loved. we are needed. we experience that touch we have been longing for. we experience a connection or an experience that brings us joy. we are happy. we are on top of the world. we are in a place we have only dreamed of being... on the outside we are satisfied. we appear content. but inside we are screaming. for something better... for the things we know that we deserve. for the dreams and hopes that our hearts desire.
i have a desire for one person. for the one person i am meant to be with. the one that God has out there for me somewhere... for that one guy who will love me unconditionally - faults and all. the one that i will love back with all my heart. someday i will give my entire self to him... i am waiting for it. i am waiting for what my heart desires most...
yet along the way i have settled for "second best" more than once. i have given pieces of myself away to this guy, and that guy. and for what? to quench my sexual desires? yes. to "feel something" even if it was only temporary? yes. to feel wanted? yes. but in the end... all i have felt is used. alone and used. and as time has passed it has desenitized me to a lot of things i once held dear to me - for after a few times, something doesn't seem as special as it was in the first place, and so you let it happen again. also i slowly have lost my hope of finding anyone who is different, who isn't like all the rest. someone who won't just take a piece of me and leave.
life is a constant struggle. i make mistakes. i give in. and sometimes i give up... and let myself slide to the bottom. and let me tell you, climbing back up is hard, its painful, and sometimes its a lonely journey. but keep your eyes up, and stay focused. for above that mountain is a joy that i can only hope to experience. and God's love and His forgiveness will help you to get there. keep climbing, its worth it.
because even if it only is temporary -- in those moments, we feel what we want to feel. we are loved. we are needed. we experience that touch we have been longing for. we experience a connection or an experience that brings us joy. we are happy. we are on top of the world. we are in a place we have only dreamed of being... on the outside we are satisfied. we appear content. but inside we are screaming. for something better... for the things we know that we deserve. for the dreams and hopes that our hearts desire.
i have a desire for one person. for the one person i am meant to be with. the one that God has out there for me somewhere... for that one guy who will love me unconditionally - faults and all. the one that i will love back with all my heart. someday i will give my entire self to him... i am waiting for it. i am waiting for what my heart desires most...
yet along the way i have settled for "second best" more than once. i have given pieces of myself away to this guy, and that guy. and for what? to quench my sexual desires? yes. to "feel something" even if it was only temporary? yes. to feel wanted? yes. but in the end... all i have felt is used. alone and used. and as time has passed it has desenitized me to a lot of things i once held dear to me - for after a few times, something doesn't seem as special as it was in the first place, and so you let it happen again. also i slowly have lost my hope of finding anyone who is different, who isn't like all the rest. someone who won't just take a piece of me and leave.
life is a constant struggle. i make mistakes. i give in. and sometimes i give up... and let myself slide to the bottom. and let me tell you, climbing back up is hard, its painful, and sometimes its a lonely journey. but keep your eyes up, and stay focused. for above that mountain is a joy that i can only hope to experience. and God's love and His forgiveness will help you to get there. keep climbing, its worth it.
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