how???

i guess there's some things i'll never understand...

like why?? in the midst of happiness and a great day do i suddenly feel so empty and lost. i was sitting in bible study and i was hearing the words but i wasn't getting them. i just wasn't feeling God... and i just couldn't hear anything. and then erin brought up how i gave her that verse awhile ago...

James 1: 2-3 - "Consider it pure joy my brothers when you are tested in different ways, for you know that the testing of your faith produces perserverance."

and she talking about how it really helped in effect to her friend trying to commit suicide, and then i remembered when i originally discovered that verse - when my aunt had cancer. and idk, it was like all of a sudden all these emotions started rushing back in full force. i could feel all the pain, all the anger, the frustration, the simple confusion of why? why Lord, do you allow things to happen sometimes? and she just kept talking about how its really hard to cling on to God in those times, because all you want to do is turn your back... Oh God, I tried to cling to you - I did, I really really did. I cried to you, I prayed to you, I yelled at you. And when my world came crashing down... I went tumbling along with it.

This is a hurting world. I am not the only one who has gone through something heart breaking. In fact - I know that I am a lot better off than a lot, if not - most. So how do people who don't know God see Him in the midst of pain and suffering?? Like it was hard even for me, and I've grown up with knowing God's promises and the love He has for me. And I still messed up. Idk I guess its just hard sometimes. Not that I thought it was going to be easy. Faith in Jesus is the narrow way - i know that. I guess my heart is just hurting right now. I just had a blast to last year tonight, and it hit me hard.

I don't even know what to say right now. sometimes its just like okay Lord, how do we really experience joy in the midst of pain and suffering? maybe eventually - after we have dried our tears, and calmed down, and admitted to ourselves that God has a plan - and that that happened for a reason. But really? You want me to be joyful when i lose one of the most important people in my life? you want me to be joyful when children are living in poverty? you want me to be joyful when my friends are hurting and i'm miles and miles away and can do nothing to help? you want me to be joyful about my past? (i except it, and i don't regret it - but JOY??)

i guess i just kinda realized the actuality of that verse tonight, and was like - WOW. consider it PURE JOY when you are tested in many ways. thats a toughie Lord, and i guess thats just something i realized i need to work on... cuz right now, i'm not feeling very joyful at all.

my life belongs to God

"If I cannot obey God's love, I cannot love Him in return, and I cannot obey Him. Self-discipline will never make us feel righteous or clean; accepting God's love will. The ability to accept God's unconditional grace and ferocious love is all the fuel we need to obey Him in return. God woos us with kindness, He changes our character with passion of His love." - Blue Like Jazz

My life belongs to God. It is His, and His plan for it is greater than anything I can imagine. Accepting God's love and grace is such a big part of giving my life over to Him. It seems like such a simple concept, but really I think sometimes it is one of the hardest things to comprehend. We are prone to sin, we are destined to screw up, and we are going to dissapoint God. The amazing thing, is that He forgives, and continues to love us unconditionally.

I think at times I don't feel worthy of that forgiveness. Like really Lord, how the heck can you forgive me for that? Don't you realize what I did? like HELLO God - I just really messed up... why do You still want me? Why do You still want to claim me as Yours? Not so much now, but with a lot of things in my past... I used to have a really hard time accepting His grace because I hadn't given those things over to Him. I hadn't forgiven myself and I couldn't let them go.

I can't even explain how amazing it is to finally give all that over to God and just say - Okay Lord, these things are Yours - I'm giving you full control. God's love can cover any pain, any hurt, any emptiness that is evident in our lives. Without God I would not have found peace in a lot of situations. With all the things I went through during my depression, the countless times I let pieces of my purity slip away into hands who really didn't care about what they were taking, and most recently - the fact that I lost an extremely important person in my life...

God heals and restores. Thats what His love is all about. Taking the things in our lives that bring us pain and replacing them with peace, with hope, and with love. And we're going to mess up. We would be foolish to think that we can please God by our actions - you will most certainly fail. We have to let go of our own wants and desires and let the Lord take control. I promise you will be amazed - I promise He will work in your life, I promise He will work things out perfectly. Stop following the world, and start falling the One who created you - created you inside your mothers womb, who knows you full well - everything about you, you wants, your desires, how many hairs are on your head. He is always there - everywhere we go, He is never far away - He's right there.

Galations 2:20 - "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me!"