Comes to Me in Waves (Things Keeping Me Awake)

A young boy plays with his big sister on the sidewalk outside my workplace. The concrete is their playground, the park bench their stage. They climb atop to save the world, to save each other. He looks up to her with anticipation, following her lead. I remember when you used to look at me that way. I used to be your protector. I used to hold the answers in my hands. You were too young to know any better, and I was too young to know things would ever change. If we could rewind time, I'd go back to bike rides and sledding, I'd go back to make-believe worlds and lemonade stands, I'd go back to being best friends. A brother and sister play outside my workplace as I try to remember our last conversation.

I own a Scrabble board that lies untouched, sitting in the space beneath my bed. The ones I enounter here are unwilling to share in the enjoyment I used to find. No one understands its pleasure the way you used to. I stare at the closed box and remember you. I long to once again sit at your kitchen enjoying tea and cookies, conversation and laughter. The Scrabble board was merely a device in the relationship we shared, but it brought us memories that I will never forget. Memories that hold me together and tear me apart. You were always up for a game - even in your last months. I'd be willing to lose again to have you with me. I lost more than a Scrabble buddy when you passed away - I lost an Aunt, a mentor, and a friend. I own a Scrabble board that lies untouched, because no one will ever fill your shoes.

A man I barely know sits next to me twice a week. A man I barely know asks me how I'm doing and I believe he means it. A man I barely know offers a Bible verse in response to my expressed stress. It takes all the composure I can muster not to cry. For, I remember when you were a boy I barely knew. A boy who reached out to me with words of encouragement. A boy who gave me a shoulder to cry. A boy who cared how I was even when I didn't care in myself. A man I barely know reminds me of all the things I miss -- waking to random encouragements, heartfelt conversations about God and life, a smile I could count on. I am intrigued by a man I barely know and heartbroken by the boy I used to know. Sometimes things slip away even when we're not ready to let go.

This One Is For the Girls.

Tell her something true when all she’s known are lies. Tell her God loves her. Tell her about forgiveness. Tell her about the possibility of freedom. Tell her she was made to dance in white dresses. All these things are true.

To Every Woman --

There is a world out there that wants us to believe we are not enough, that we will never be enough: Lose weight. Dye your hair. Wear these clothes. Have a boyfriend. Be sexy. Put out. Fit in, but be unique. Be confident. Be enough. Be wanted. Read Cosmo, because obviously articles like Double Your Hotness and 10 Romantic Moves That Guys Actually Dig will provide you with the tools to finding to significance, to finding love, to becoming the "real you." Believe lies. Settle for less. Don't be an individual, be like everyone else. Take what you can get. There is a world out there that wants to diminish who you were born to be. There is a world out there threatening to steal your heart. Wake up. Pay attention.

Don't you know you're beautiful? You are enough; you have always been enough. Your clothes do not define you. The way you look does not qualify or disqualify you for love. Confidence is not dependant upon how others see you but how you see yourself. Not everyone is going to want you. Not everyone is going to accept you for who you are. But guess what? Those people don't matter. Because if they can't see the beautiful woman that you are - inside and out - then they're not worth your time. Be who you are. Be proud of who you are. Be beautiful -- the way you always have been. Believe it.

Don't you know you deserve respect? Realize what you're worth. Realize that that is the absolute best. Stop believing the lies. Sex can't fulfill you. Physical affection will not sustain you. Temporary satisfaction will not complete you. It's a fact that everyone needs affection and most all desire to be loved, but don't settle for less. If you want more than sex, wait for it. Be patient. If you don't want to be used, don't be. You have the power. You deserve more. You are a treasure -- allow yourself to be treated like one. Know that you are worth a commitment. If he can't give you that, stop believing it's enough. Demand more. You were made to find it. You were made to be treated like a princess. Disney fairytales may not exist, but that doesn't mean a real man doesn't. A man who will respect you, who will love you, who will want to spend the rest of his life with you. Believe you deserve more.

It's time for the truth. It's time to stop conforming and start living as the woman you were created to be. You were made with a purpose. Stop being afraid. Don't let your past define who you are. Today is a new day -- go after what you want. Believe in yourself. Be happy with who you are. And, if you're not happy, do something about it. Make a change. Let God help you make that change. Above all, listen to His truth, for He says that you were fearfully and wonderfully made. He says that you're beautiful, that you are enough. He will give you all the affection you will ever need. He will fulfill you with patience, with hope, with direction. He has wanted you from the moment you were created, and He will always want you - today, tomorrow, forever.

Don't you know you're loved? Dance in the freedom of God's grace. Bask in the glory of His promise. Drown in the ocean of His love. There could never be a more beautiful you. Stop listening to the world. Stop conforming to lies. Stop believing you need to do more. Stop searching. Stop pretending you're okay. Stop settling for less. Start demanding more. Believe in the Truth, and He shall set you free.

God loves you. I love you. Start loving yourself.

Wade with the Lord.

Psalms 119: 116-117 "Help me God, as you promised, so that I may live. Do not turn my hope into disappointment. Hold me, and I will be safe, and I will always respect your laws."

How often do we feel we are fighting a battle we will never win? How often do we grow weary? How often do we fail to put faith in our Father? How many times do we wade through the trials of this life without asking for help? It is time to face the truth. We are all wading through deep waters. We all have high mountains that we have to climb. We all come across deep valleys that must be walk through. Life is not an easy journey. But that doesn't mean we have to lose hope. God has called us into His arms. He has gone to prepare a place for us. And, here on this earth, we can still find a home in His presence. He has given us the ultimate sacrifice and all He asks from us is that we keep trying -- keep pressing on, to seek Him, to know Him, to believe in Him. If we continue to put our faith in Jesus, then we will soon discover that the waters start to shallow, the mountains turn into hills, and the valleys begin to plateau. Trials can break us, but they can always strengthen us. Often they do both, forcing us to our knees in order that God can help us up again -- with renewed purpose and hope. We are all on a journey. None of us have to travel it alone. God loves you. God wants to protect you. God is fighting the battle with you, for you.

Be encouraged. May you all have a blessed week.

The Four Seasons

We were young lovers dancing in the shade of spring. A blanket was our only stage, our skin the only costume needed -- we played parts we'd never known. You made me feel like a princess. You made me believe in fairytales again. We danced into forever. You led me to undiscovered places, and I was safe there.

We were scattered popsicle sticks on a summer day. It was an indulgence enjoyed, then soon forgotten -- the remnants fleeing fast from my tongue. You used to be my favorite flavor. You were the treat I had waited for, but you didn't last. I remember needing your sweetness. I close my eyes and taste you again. Your breath is cool against the heat.

We were fallen leaves in the autumn breeze. You scattered the only love I ever knew, the only colors I ever wanted to keep. I thought a heart could be crushed, not crunched -- little by little, piece by piece, every step another pain, another tear. The wind picks up and I lose you as the remnants of my heart disappear.

I am the bird that no longer sings in winter's song. You broke the part of me that wanted you. I have forgotten what joy sounds like. I have forgotten what love feels like. I have forgotten how to sing. You took my melody, and so I will fly on in hopes of finding my own. I will search for a harmony as I leave your haunting chords behind.

We were young. We were flavor. We are dead. I am free.

You Were

"Dreams: the place most of us get what we need." - Amy Hempel

At night, I sleep with emptiness --
my fingers reach for your ghost and
I drift into memories of your touch.
The bare side of the bed stays cold.

I used to fall asleep in nakedness,
next to you. I used to be warm
with your body heat, flesh on flesh.
Only fabric layers cover me now.

You're still the one I want to call,
when my world comes crashing down
when I'm shivering inside my skin.
I dial your number and hang up.

I used to look to who you were, and
it's easier to stop missing you now
knowing that you have changed. But
I fear I'll always love you the same.

Loneliness lingers -- I fall asleep with
tears and empty hands, I reach for
memories of what could have been.
Now we speak only in my dreams.

A Look Inside.

My journal is my safe-haven. It is a place where nothing has to make sense and the most personal of things are purged. My journal is my therapy session. My journal is my prayer zone.

I know I have been slacking on the blogging front, so I thought I would mix it up and let you all take a step inside my journal to the more sporadic and random ramblings of my thoughts. :)



“A notebook can be a clearing in the forest of your life, a place where you can be alone and content as you play with outrage and wonder, details and gossip, language and dreams, plots and subplots, perceptions and small epiphanies.” - Ralph Fletcher


Give me the little things. Always the little things. A small child with a heart for love. A smile from a stranger. Someone asking, really asking, if I'm okay. A free latte from a friend. A beautiful day in March - the feeling of summer rushes over me and I'm lost again in feelings of the year that has passed. A random CD is plucked and placed, and with it comes the chords I once loved. The lyrics bring me back. I am lost again in a reminiscent kind of joy. I travel back to the way things were. I feel the love spring up again.

Are feelings concrete or are they just ideas, facades of what we wish in our heart of hearts?

I continue to wonder where dreams come from. It is the little things. People that pop up in my unconscious moments and leave me guessing the rest of the real day. Why do they show up when I think I have forgotten? I wake to a marriage. I feel a stolen kiss on my lips. I fight for love, and I win. Is the reality of my dreams truer than the reality of my conscious? If I am still fighting in my dreams, does that mean I have yet to let go? I go to bed unable to stop thinking of one man, and wake to find I have dreamed of someone completely different. Do I simply want just to want? A little thing called love. I block it out and somehow it enters in again.

There are little things that make me think. Friends turned into lovers, lovers turned into friends. Random conversations. Random texts. A beautiful breeze. A song on the radio. Coincidences... if God makes everything happen for a reason, than are the dreams I remember worth reflecting upon? Are there words that still need to be said? These are the little things that clog my mind. They infiltrate my thoughts and leave me questioning what I know.

I want to write. I want to process. I want it all to make sense. Will it all ever make sense? I know it does on some level but am I recognizing the signs to hear and see what God has planned out for me?

There are all kinds of little things. A free meal. A random act of kindness. A closed door. An open window. A phone call from a friend. A verse of hope. There is no such thing as a coincidence. God places us in moments and situations for His glory, for His purpose. How many times do I brush off the little things that exist to point me towards Him?

There is a desire inside me. I have been feeling it all day. I want courage. I want to follow that feeling in truth, in humility, in full obedience. I shall not be ashamed of my Father and what He does in and through me. Give me the little things. The little voice that speaks when I need it most.

Oh, God, your little things are so BIG!

A Beautiful Somewhere.

"You know that place between sleep and awake; that place where you can still remember dreaming? That's where I will always love you. That's where I'll be waiting." -- Peter Pan

I often trick myself into believing I've forgotten about you, that I've forgotten to care. I make it through entire days without one recollection. I tell stories and none of them involve you. I get sad for other reasons. I smile in spite of your absence. I feel beautiful without your affirmation. I make it through entire days being who I am without you. Happiness is no longer fleeting and joy has become a choice I choose. A person should never control your emotions, one way or the other, and finally I'm reaching a place where your power is starting to fade. Avoidance helps but fulfillment helps more. I pour myself into other people and priorities. I focus on what I love, and I forget I ever loved you. One day you will be just a memory. A single bead on a string of people who used to mean something -- one of the ones who promised me more than they could give. I will think back to you with fond memories, but I will not dwell on what we were, because it wasn't special enough to last. I no longer remember our meet-cute, and someday soon I will not remember our demise.

I wonder if you will ever miss me. I wonder if it will happen when I've stopped missing you. For I have dealt with what was lost but I'm afraid you have yet to see what you're missing. There used to be a world full of possibilities on our doorstep. We once had a chance to gamble on love. In a moment of the past we were unbreakable. I wonder if you will ever see it for what it was. I wonder if you will ever fully realize what could have been. You were always full of promise. You were always stronger than I thought I would ever be. But now I'm the one picking up the pieces, while you're off on a brand new adventure. I wonder if you will ever miss me, but I'm afraid you've already forgotten who I was and what I meant to you. You used to love me. You used to say it too. But now those words are lost in the wind.

I can handle the daytime, but it is the night that still holds me captive. It is the darkness that brings me back to you. The late night chats we no longer have. The sleepless nights spent thinking of you. The music that used to calm now only tears at my sanity. You have ruined the most beautiful of songs. I can't listen to my iPod without catching too many glimpses of who we used to be together. I think of deleting you from my life - too many social networks and not enough places to hide. I see reminders without asking for them. You are off making girls feel special; the internet cruelly reminds me I am no longer one of them. There are snapshots of your life, and I am just another outsider looking in. The night finds me and I realize I have not escaped yet.

But then there are the dreams. When my body has found rest and my mind has found peace. That is where I find you. That is where we're whole again. We're back to before, when time stood still and life made sense. When you promised to always be there - when you actually meant it. In my dreams, you hold me like you used to. In my dreams, we laugh without knowing why. I find you on a summer's day. I crouch next to you in the snow. A song we both know so well plays on your stereo, and I sing at the top of my lungs. We waste hours away simply for the company. We lose sleep for the conversation. I see you smile, and I hear your voice. In my dreams, you are what you always were.

I don't have to forget. I don't have to miss you. I simply say, "I love you." Because I do, and, in my dreams, I can.

He is for you.

"Don't bear trouble, use it. Take whatever happens - justice or injustice, pleasure and pain, compliment and criticism. Take it up into the purpose of your life and make something out of it. Turn it into a testimony."

There will always be people in this world who are for you and people who are against you. There will be people who start off as your friends and who will turn into your enemies. In the same way, you will find that some of your enemies turn into the best of friends. People change and people surprise you. When I was in middle school I had a friend. We swore up and down to our parents that we were going to be "best friends forever." We were going to live next to each other. And be in each others weddings. And have kids at the same time. Nothing was going to tear us apart... I can't remember the last time I hung out with her. We both grew up and went separate directions. And I will always love her but you can't count on people to be there "forever." Because people drift apart, no matter how much you wish it wouldn't happen - it does. But there is someone you can count on.

God will always be your friend - your best friend, forever and ever. And unlike people, God will always be for you. He has your best interests at heart. He is holding you in His arms. He is walking by your side. He has a purpose and a plan. In the depths of the darkness that you face, know that God is fighting for you. All you have to do is choose to fight with Him. Choose God. And I assure you that you will find peace in whatever situation that comes your way. Even if you don't have the answers, you will find calm in the journey. Because you're not alone.

I had a small breakdown this past weekend. And by small, I mean quite large. I couldn't stop crying. I didn't want to get out of bed. In an apartment with two other people, I felt alone. I was upset with God. I didn't understand how being here could be so great for my faith and so trying. And what I mean by that is this -- Transferring to Colorado was a God thing. Completely. And since I have been here I have grown closer to God than I could have ever imagined. I have experienced highs and lows but through it all I have seen Him come closer to me. I have learned more about who He is and who I am through Him. I feel spiritually fed at church. But on the other hand, I feel like my spiritual growth has taken place completely on my own. I don't have friends here that I can run to when my world is falling apart. I don't have friends here where I can share the deepest and scariest parts of my faith - the places I'm not proud of, my weaknesses, the moments I want to hide from the world. My roommates and I started a Bible Study this semester and yet I feel like our relationship is so superficial. I feel that there is no depth. So how do you balance that? The blessings with the loneliness. The promise with the suffering. The answers with the questions.

I skipped my classes Monday and Tuesday and I went home. I needed encouragement. I needed family. I needed a hug. I needed comfort. I needed someone to reassure me. I needed someone to come alongside me and reitterate the promises of God. My mother and father stepped in and were there when I needed to know I wasn't alone. They gave me an outlet. But they also encouraged me in regards the One who has never let me go. I am never alone. Even when I am at school and I feel like I have no one to turn to -- I have Jesus. He is listening. He is always listening.

I have been listening to a sermon series from Mars Hill Church on Philippians entitled "The Rebel's Guide to Joy." Today I listened to the third one in the series, "Joy in Suffering." And the main thing I took away from it is this: There is going to be suffering in life. To live is to suffer. But you have a choice, will you suffer in a way that is purposeful or purposeless? God wants to use my feelings of inadequacy. He wants to use my loneliness. He wants to be there when I'm crying. He also doesn't want any of that to be in vain. God can work in and through me. I believe that with all my heart. He has been teaching me so much lately, even in the past few days, and I competely believe that as long I continue to give Him everything He will guide me through it all... Have faith. Have hope. Keep fighting to live a life beside the One who has already saved you.

Thanks and Things.

First thing first! Many THANKS to Catepillar at Musings and Confessions of a Wandering Mind for bestowing me with the Stylish Blogger Award. I would be lying if I said that people reading and enjoying my blog isn't one of the things that make me smile brightest. :) I love this blogging forum and all the wonderful people and words it brings to my attention! We all have things to say and it is great to hear and to be heard. Thank you so much Catepillar for being an awesome blogging buddy. For the rest of you, I encourage you to click the link listed above.

And now, from what I have gathered, in the acceptance of this award I must tell you seven THINGS about myself. Oh boy oh boy. I never know what to say but I will do my best!

1. My significance is found through Jesus Christ. I have nothing and I am nothing without God. I am who I am because of what God has done in me and through me. I still have a lot to learn, but, thankfully, God is a very patient teacher. I am excited to see my life unfold according to His perfect plan. In light of all the questions, I have hope that He knows better than I will ever imagine.
2. I love tuna. I probably eat tuna at least three times a week. This is a problem. Tuna has a lot of mercury. I have known for awhile that you can't eat tuna when you're pregnant but I was told by my doctor this weekend that you can't even have tuna a year before you want to get pregnant. Note: I don't plan on getting pregnant anytime soon, but I feel like it will take more than a year to cleanse all the mercury from my body.... I want to have children someday. I just love tuna.
3. I wish I had more time to do all the things I like to do "for fun." Some call them hobbies or interests. I wish I had whole days to devote to each one. Scrapbooking. Taking pictures. Playing guitar. Painting. Playing piano. Reading. I want to do these things and so much more! Like rock climbing... I actually am taking a class this semester to guarantee it gets done. Pathetic.
4. The only kind of sheets I own and the only kind of sheets I sleep in (obviously) are Jersey Sheets. If you haven't tried them, go buy yourself a set. It's like sleeping in your favorite worn t-shirt... Comfortable and comforting. I also prefer it extremely cold when I sleep. I like burying myself under blankets.
5. I love journals without lines. The last journal I had was the first journal I had without lines and I fell in love. I enjoy the freedom of blank pages. Those pages are my canvas and my words are my paint. Color the world the way you want. Make your own lines.
6. I have absolutely no idea what I am going to do when I graduate (in two months). And I am completely okay with that. The world pushes you in a direction your entire life and requires you to follow in a series of steps. I think it's worth taking time to figure out what you really want -- where your heart lies, where God wants you. This is a time for independence, and I'm going to embrace it.
7. I hate washing dishes. When I was in high school, our dishwasher broke. My mother was one who found washing dishes "relaxing" so she didn't bother to get it fixed for a couple years. My brother and I became the new dishwashers. I think I have resented it ever since. Plus, I think its gross -- especially like greasy pans with all that food stuck to it that won't come off. Yuck. Give me any other chore and I will be happy to oblige. Leave the dishes to the real dishwasher. You know, the one that comes with a start button.