Comes to Me in Waves (Things Keeping Me Awake)

A young boy plays with his big sister on the sidewalk outside my workplace. The concrete is their playground, the park bench their stage. They climb atop to save the world, to save each other. He looks up to her with anticipation, following her lead. I remember when you used to look at me that way. I used to be your protector. I used to hold the answers in my hands. You were too young to know any better, and I was too young to know things would ever change. If we could rewind time, I'd go back to bike rides and sledding, I'd go back to make-believe worlds and lemonade stands, I'd go back to being best friends. A brother and sister play outside my workplace as I try to remember our last conversation.

I own a Scrabble board that lies untouched, sitting in the space beneath my bed. The ones I enounter here are unwilling to share in the enjoyment I used to find. No one understands its pleasure the way you used to. I stare at the closed box and remember you. I long to once again sit at your kitchen enjoying tea and cookies, conversation and laughter. The Scrabble board was merely a device in the relationship we shared, but it brought us memories that I will never forget. Memories that hold me together and tear me apart. You were always up for a game - even in your last months. I'd be willing to lose again to have you with me. I lost more than a Scrabble buddy when you passed away - I lost an Aunt, a mentor, and a friend. I own a Scrabble board that lies untouched, because no one will ever fill your shoes.

A man I barely know sits next to me twice a week. A man I barely know asks me how I'm doing and I believe he means it. A man I barely know offers a Bible verse in response to my expressed stress. It takes all the composure I can muster not to cry. For, I remember when you were a boy I barely knew. A boy who reached out to me with words of encouragement. A boy who gave me a shoulder to cry. A boy who cared how I was even when I didn't care in myself. A man I barely know reminds me of all the things I miss -- waking to random encouragements, heartfelt conversations about God and life, a smile I could count on. I am intrigued by a man I barely know and heartbroken by the boy I used to know. Sometimes things slip away even when we're not ready to let go.