sleep and live.

Sometimes I wonder what it's like to possess the ability to fall asleep anywhere. I've heard some people fall asleep standing up. I see people sleeping on benches, on chairs, on buses. I envy them. I envy the ones who are filled with fatigue and the need for the sleep and can actually drift off without even a second thought. I can be so tired and then my head hits the pillow and I know instantly that sleep is not in the cards for me... not anytime soon. I'm told that you should only sleep in your bed. Maybe that's part of my problem. I watch movies in my bed. I journal on my bed. I do homework on my bed. But it's comfy. It's comforting. It helps me. Except in the area of sleep... damn. I may be an insomniac from time to time, but I still love my life.

hypothetical equations.

choose the one who makes your world beautiful.

if I told you the truth - would you hold it against me?
unspoken words as important as the breath we breathe,
in this moment we share here together, skin on skin.

if I asked you for the world - would you give it to me?
love comes in with the current, washing opportunity upon
the shore, tired feet stumbling upon its soft allure.

if I gave you my heart - would you take it?
it beats for the thing I never thought I'd find, the thing
you've had once before. (let me make it new again.)

if I told you the truth - would you hold it against me?
fear makes this safe space hostile, fills it with doubt. I will
ask questions left unanswered but, you will bring me hope.

Psalm 145

I will bless you every day. I will praise your name forever and ever. No matter what comes my way I know that you remain at the center. Your plans are worthy to be praised. You guide me when I don't know where to turn. Alone, I am nothing. With you, I am strong. His greatness is unsearchable. I will never be able to fathom all that you do - in my life and throughout the world. I barely comprehend a fraction of your power, of your majesty. But what I do is amazing. You wreck me senseless. You shake me with your mercy. You hold me in your grace. You surround me with your love. You fill me with your peace. You give me joy unspeakable. I am unworthy - full of sin, selfishness, and doubt. And yet, you accept me as your own. As your child. The LORD is merciful, compassionate, patient, and always ready to forgive. Nothing I do can separate me from you. Even when I become lost in the darkness, your light finds a way to shine through. You are always there. You never falter. All it takes is my willingness to surrend - to open my hands in faith and allow myself to trust you completely. With all that I am. Even when I have no clue where you are leading, I have to say - I will follow you. I will listen to your voice. The LORD supports everyone who falls. And I will fall. I will fail. Time and time again. I will sin and turn away and when I come falling on my knees, He will always be there. With His unconditional love and kindess. The LORD is my sheperd, I shall not want.

You open your hand and you satisfy the desire of every living thing. The LORD is fair in all His ways and faithful in everything He does. The LORD is near to everyone who prays to Him, to every faithful person who prays to Him. LORD, you have my heart in your hands. You hold me in your arms. You know my struggles, You know my questions, You see my pain, You understand the root of my confusion. You see me. You hear me. You listen and you respond. Through it all, you never leave my side. I will be still and know that you are GOD - trusting you with my whole heart and having faith in Your perfect plan, believing that you have a plan - for all of this. You have a purpose. You will guide me, step by step.

You are my God, my King, my Father, my Friend.

this is the place.

This was the center of the world for me once... where things made sense and I knew my place. Who I was. What I meant. How I felt. Hanging out and knowing. No questions asked. I was once stranded and insecure, alone on my knees. Somehow I was picked back up again. Over and over. Learning and reminiscing. Forgiving and crying. Sharing and letting go. My heart has shattered so many times I've often wondered how it would ever fit back together to love, to feel, to give. How do you share something scarred and mended? I will never be a whole. Not really. God makes me new again but I'm still missing pieces. I will never recover who I was before it all.

I hide because it's easier to feel safe alone. Even if arms embrace me, there is no guarantee that they will stay. Arms come and go. So many times I have fallen asleep remembering the way it felt to be held, the way it felt to be wanted, the way it felt to be protected. And, so many times have I watched that memory fade away with the passing of time. And then my heart finds itself again - feeling so deeply on the inside and trying to protect myself on the outside. It's easier to pretend it doesn't matter. It's easier to pretend that I don't care. It's easier to pretend that it doesn't hurt.

These are the bricks that shattered my heart. The bricks of abandonment. The bricks of broken promises, and broken expectations, and replacement. And maybe, I brought it all upon myself. Not being able to feel when it matters. Not allowing my true colors to shine when they needed to. I protect myself when I need to speak up. I lay my heart on the line when it needs to be guarded. And in the end I end up the same as before. Alone. Always, alone.

We're all dreamers. We all dream of the things we want. The goals we want to reach. The passions we want to fulfill. The loves we want to feel. The places we want to go. We're all dreamers. We give and we give until someone tells us we can't, and then we give again... to prove a point. To prove that we're still capable, that we still have what it takes. It doesn't matter how many times we fail. The only consequence is that maybe our original soft and passionate heart suddenly becomes strong and hard. We're still dreamers. We just dream in a different way.


I'm still a dreamer. I still want to feel. But, I've lost my certainty, at least for a little while anyway.

what are you waiting for?

She told me the truth is important. That the truth should be spoken.

All we're doing is dreaming - of what we might accomplish, where we might go, who we might meet. We dream of the impossible and believe in somedays. We would kill for this, just a little bit. We would do anything for our dreams. If only to defy the people who told us we couldn't, that we never would: Never see success. Never make a difference. Never travel the world. Never create something. Never fall in love.

Our whole lives are laid out in front of us. Every day the sun rises and gives us a brand new opportunity. And we can do with it whatever we want. There are always going to be things that come to an end. Nothing can last forever. It's the beginnings that keep us alive. It's the thrive for life and the continuation of what we already have that gives us hope. It's the opportunity to make a difference that brings us purpose. It's the desire within us to love other people that ignites us with passion.

Keep it all going. Don't give up. No matter how vulnerable you feel. No matter how hard it is to do what you want to do, to say what you need to say. You have to be willing to kill for this, whatever it is. You have to be willing to be heard. You can't be afraid. Let go of everything you have lost and look at what you have to gain. We're always waiting for somedays. But, our dreams only play to ourselves. Our actions play to the world. Our words ring to those around us.

What are you waiting for? If today was your last day... What would you do? What would you say?

a friendly thought.

My teacher said tonight that oftentimes our friends are more important than our families. Friends choose to love us. Friends choose to know us. Friends have no obligation to stay in our lives. So when they do... it means something.

How many times do we run to our friends?
How many times do our friends pick us up?
How many times do friends add signficance to our lives?
How many times do friends change who we are?

Friends, real friends, are essential to our lives. And I'm not talking about the superficial facebook kind, I'm talking about the kind who know us even when we're not sure we understand ourselves. The people who know our flaws. The ones who see us in our worst, understand our quirks, and share in our laughter. The friends who sometimes make the biggest difference in the smallest of ways.

In Charlotte's Web it says: "Friendship is one of the most satisfying things in the world."

Friendship is a choice. To be a friend should not be forced. Instead, it should be a natural desire. The most beautiful of friendships begin on a whim, and over time, come to reside within our souls. And this type of friend is worth whatever obstacles may come. Friendship is a choice.

How often do we choose to give up instead of fighting for a friend who has changed us? If our friends become our families when we leave home, how do we fight the inevitable changes that occur?

Paths diverge, but friendships don't have to.

You know. always, You know.

You have wrecked me helpless. You have rendered me weak. You have spoken to me and I have fallen. Fallen on my knees, completely in awe of how marvelous you are. The music plays and the tears come, no matter how hard I try to hold them back. I let go and I see it all. All the brokenness I keep holding onto. Everything I have kept hidden, to try and let it fade, to try and make it go away. You fill me and suddenly I am without any sort of control. No longer can I hold it in. No longer can I let it go. God, you break me. You make me weak in order to rely on your strength. And here I am, sitting on my knees trying to figure out where to start. What to give you. Heal me in pieces. Heal me as I surrender to you all the bits of my brokenness. Give me the strength to face it. To let you have it all.

Do you know I still see him in my dreams? I can hear him talking to me sometimes. He repeats the phrases I never wanted to hear, and in the same breath I remember all the words he said to make me smile. I see him, God. I see him and I remember how happy I was... and how that compares to how I am now. Do you know how much it hurts, God? To know that someone walked into your life and right back out again... the moment was so brief, that I never had a chance to say thank you. Now, instead, I am harboring all these feelings of hurt and broken expectations, confusion and simply the loss of a friend. Will you help me let Him go, God? Help me appreciate what You did through that friendship instead of focusing on the loss of it...

Do you know that I look in the mirror and see inadequacy? I see parts of myself that are "too big", "not toned enough" and "not like hers..." My friends call me skinny, but I can't see why. I don't feel skinny. I can run five miles and eat healthy, and I still don't feel skinny. I know its a lie. As my mother would say, that's a lie of Satan and I shouldn't believe it. I know what the truth is. The truth is that I was created in your image, and that to You, I'm perfect. And, that's all that matters. But it still doesn't mean I don't struggle with my self image from time to time. Fill me with You so that You're enough. I want to look and the mirror and see what you see - perfectly and wonderfully made. Make me feel whole again.

Do you know how scared I am about my future? Sometimes it makes me so stressed I feel like getting sick. Othertimes, I am so nonchalant about it, and that scares me... the lack of caring. I want to know what to do. What You want me to do. I have spent four years studying English, going into it I didn't know what I wanted to do. All I knew is that I loved reading and writing, I had four years to figure out the rest. Well, here I am God and I have absolutely no idea where to go from here. Sometimes I think I know. I get really excited about certain occurences or moments with You and I feel like I'm moving down the path. But then I second guess myself. Lead me God. Lead me to where you want me to be. To serve you.

Do you know how often I can't fall asleep? Even now I sit up listening to the only songs that make me feel calm and write my heart out because it's better than laying my head down on the pillow and thinking about all the things I try to keep out during the day. I can't sleep because my mind becomes so filled with my supressed emotions and possible scenarios that I become overwhelmed and anxious. I can't make it stop. I can't make them go away. I think about the what-if's, I think about the could-have-been's, I think about the wish-I-had-never's, I think about all the things, and all the people, I miss. The empty holes in my life are brought to life at night, and I don't know how to fill them. I don't know how to shut them up...

You are speaking to me. With words undercover and those in the open. You are speaking directly to me through the people you have placed in my life and the words you allow me to hear, the music you infiltrate into my soul. Today, You wrecked me. Both in the morning and in the evening you have poured into me Your love, and I find myself reciprocating with tears I can't explain. I feel you, God. I know you're there. I know you hear this. I know you hear me. Even when I don't say it. You know my heart. You know every anxious thought. You see every nightmare. I'm asking you to take it all. Wreck me, and then fill me with your strength. Cover me with your grace. Surround me with your love. I need you, more of you. I need you now.