this is about today, soon to be a yesterday.

we all have those days. like the one i just had. you know the ones i'm talking about? the ones where you have all these expectations, you wake up and think - this is going to be a good day. today i will do things. today i will have fun. today i will spend time with the people i love. today will be great. and you start your morning off with a hot peppermint chocolate latte and indulge a re-run of your favorite show, just to get things off to a good start - before finally getting off your ass and preparing for the oh, so wonderful day to come. and then you wait, for the phone call that has been promised to be dialed. the one you are promised to be receiving. time passes and it doesn't come. just a few more hours i promise. so you wait some more. meanwhile, there is another promised phone call that could come at any time so just maybe they will call first. there is still hope. and then hope dies. 5, 6, 7 hours later and you realize your day has passed. it is dark outside. and you have barely moved from this morning. and yet - no one calls, and they will not. so in an attempt at regaining sanity you will try another option, try another source of enthusiasm and enjoyment - yet that also fails you. leaves you getting into your car with tears streaming down your perfect face, you know - the one you took time to put makeup on, surrounded by the hair you made sure to curl, for your oh, so wonderful day. and so you waste gas, that is only $1.55 at the moment, but still gas used for nothing more than an anecdote to your heart that feels like its breaking, to your eyes that are staining your clean glasses, to your hands that are clenching the steering wheel, to your music that is cranked up as loud as it can go so that not even you can hear your pathetic sobbing. is it really something to cry about? i do not know. but that is not really the question is it. the question is, why does this matter so much? what do you want? well - you are in fact desperate. have been desperate for the past few months to experience that time of belonging, the type of need that comes only from those you care about the most. the kind that is only shaken by the people you miss the most. and those people - well those people are the calls you never received. so in fact your desperation has been greeted with dissapointment and broken expectations which, results in a emotional disaster that leaves you feeling quite empty, and quite sad. hours later, you cry at a television program that is barely heartwrenching at all. and that is all a part of a day. wasted? perhaps. or perhaps you just discovered something about yourself - that you're hurting worse than you care to admit, and that your desperation, your need to feel something, is more than you've realized. here - you are supposed to be loved. and what happens when we don't receive that love. well, we break. we fall. and we go to bed - praying that tomorrow will be better. and that today's dissapointments will not carry over. for when tomorrow morning comes, today will only be a yesterday. and it will be gone... so what of it?

cinderella?

Growing up, everyone has their favorite Disney movies. Mine was Cinderella. I knew every word, I would make my grandma tape the musicals on TV, every different version that came out - I had to see it. It was the perfect story, rescued by a prince aka the perfect guy, your one and only, your soul-mate, that one person you were supposed to be with. It never got old to me. And then... I grew up.

Me and my mom went to Cinderella tonight. And that little girl inside me was enjoying it, falling for the magic. But my heart doesn't believe it anymore. I'm only 19 years old, and already I feel as if I have experienced enough heartbreak to last me a very long time. I used to believe that dream you know, that I could hold out and that one day I would find that person. I would find that one guy who valued me for my personality, valued me for who I was, who got into something and meant on making an effort to keep it that way. Now I'm not so sure. I feel like I have so much junk in my past, and negative experiences, that that's all I expect anymore...

So many of my friends have these serious relationships... not to mention, some of them have experienced more than once. And I know I'm supposed to be content with what I have. I know that. I know God has a plan, I know He has a purpose for everything, and different things are meant for different people. But sometimes, I just ask: Why? Why not me?? Why have I not had the chance to even get a taste of what it's supposed to be like? Because honestly, I have no clue.

Sorry, for the "oh wo is me" speech.
I'm just a little fed-up.
I little sad, and a little hopeless... for tonight.
Things always look better in the morning right?

history in the making.

well woot - election day has come and gone. if i was one of those highly political people, i would have a lot more indepth comments and specific opinions about the issue, but since i am just a girl - watching from a distance and commenting at an angle, i will simply share my lowly thoughts and concerns and you can do with them as you please...

i will share this with you first - i did not vote today. (go ahead, scream your oos and ahs, and tell me how bad of an american i am. i know. i know. as soon as you're done you can continue reading) it is not that i believe my opinion does not matter, or that i do not care - i do care. and i will continue to care. let us say, that i did vote - i would say, i voted for McCain. because of his beliefs, morals, etc. and i feel as if he is a lot more experienced. on the other side, i think electing the first black president is a huge change, and a huge step in history - as well as for America and the impact that it is going to make on our culture, and the countries of the world who are watching us. further more though, i think that either way - past, present, and future - we need to be praying for our country and its people. our country has a long ways to go, and i think either candidate would have had a lot on our hands. as for its people, well our main purpose is still to infect people with the power of the Holy Spirit, no matter what president is placed before us. the main issue here is relying on God, and trusting that He has a plan, He has a purpose, and His will be done. doesn't the bible say, God will not present us with anything we cannot handle?? well i believe the same is true for our government and what is about to come. and when we reach the point where we can't handle it anymore - than thats when i believe God will come again.

Screw America, Love America, OR please - Respect America. "Proud to be an American, where at least I know I'm free." we are blessed to have the freedom to choose, the freedom to have our own beliefs, our own opinions, and values, and so hold on to them. hold on to what you think is right - and fight for it. spread what is good, and fight back what is evil. we have to stand together as Americans, and more than that, we have to stand together as Christians - to represent and provoke change in the hearts of those who need it the most, in the hearts of those who are crying out for Jesus. so when this world does come to an end, we will be able to rejoice with those we love, as fellow brothers and sisters in Christ.

SOS

Romans 8:26 - In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.

I am beyond words right now. I have reached the point where I am just crying out - just asking for help. All week I have been trying to have a positive attitude about being here, in order to make it through this year as smoothly as possible - and tonight, shit just hit the fan, to put it bluntly. And then here I am again at a loss, not knowing what to do, completely miserable and upset. I am not a mean person, and for one night I stood up for myself and told my roommates I didn't want them to have people over and they get so pissed. Its like we're back in middle school - they turned their music on as loud as it could go so me and my friend couldn't hear what we were watching on TV. I cannot take it anymore. Cannot sit by and not say anything. Cannot handle the drinking night after night. The loud noises. The constant partying, the smoking weed. I feel like I'm trapped inside this bubble and I can't even think because of everything going on around me. It's like I can't even be my own person because I just feel like I'm being brought down, and I'm not allowed to care.

I need God to help me, I need Him to intercede and provide a solution. If that is getting out of this lease then I hope that it is made possible to do... because I can't take it anymore. I know He has a purpose for everything, and an answer for everything. And I just think I've had enough. I'm at my breaking point and I just can't do anything more on my own. I need Him so much. And I know whatever happens next isn't going to be easy, but I'm just going to trust that I'm going to get through this. With a lot of prayer, and a lot of searching I know I can make it. I am putting my trust in God to lead me to where I am supposed to be next... until then, I'm gonna keep pushing forward. Or at least giving it my best effort.