take a chance on me.

you're standing at the door of my heart, and i'm looking out the window - watching you. it's cold out there, without love and running out of time to change my mind. it must hurt. watching the years pass us by, different girls and different guys - never slowing down to reflect. rewind. retry. i would give it to you if i could, everything and more. but inside the corners of my heart, i'm afraid that it is not warm. i can't promise pleasure, a life without pain. i can't give you a guarantee. but, i would like for you to take a chance on me. even though, i don't know, if i will answer the call. you stand there - patiently waiting, like you always have, and probably, always will. a man that can't be moved... i believe the song goes. and so, sing to me a melody of your own. show me harmony, you and me, and years yet to be. i want to know we can make it. i want to believe, its worth it, to try. for me, commitment has always been an issue, subconscious and avoided. i make excuses for my lack of experience. with boys. (or at least, dating them). i would rather settle for mere pleasure, now and again. yet, that is not satisfactory either... is it? so i guess i lose. have been losing. will keep on losing, until someone changes my mind. maybe, that someone is you... who stands at the door of my heart, peering into the glass, a mirror of yourself and the reflection of me. and i, well, i like the view from here. it's safer this way. sheer comfort in the presence of my loneliness (contentment). all around me is patience, or fear (as you would say). i like to pretend, though, it's all okay. to be, here - alone. in this world of play-it-safe, and protect-your-heart. for, my heart has broken before. i've let someone in the door (the one you stand behind), briefly and still - pieces gone, never to mend, to recover, or find again. so why should i do it? why should i try? is it worth the tears. the frustration. the fighting, the arguments, the lies. i know, you say you'll never hurt me, you say you'll always try, to be, a man. my man. now and forever. but baby, promises are broken every day...

KLM.

i have almost an entire cd case devoted to you. or rather, half a case comprised of your generous contribution to my music repertoire. and, even though i lost the first and most important... i have a case of m---- loves k---. my own personal entourage of mixes. and bands. burned, from you. for me. it is, a case of variance, not only in the genres of music represented, but also in the feelings they symbolize - a case of caring. a case of healing. a case of smiles. a case of "keep me forever's". a case of musical drugs, mending any kind of pain and speaking to any pleasure. yes, musical drugs: the kinds of songs that can conform to any mood. the kinds of songs that tear you apart and at the same time, put you back together. songs that bring you to tears, even without knowing why. songs that you are addicted to for periods of time - days, weeks, months. you put them on repeat. you can't get enough. and when you move on to something else, somehow, your original loves find you once again. musical drugs: they touch your heart and warm your soul. they reach deep within and grasp a hold of all the unspoken words you barely knew existed... they pull out your insecurities and leave them out in the open, and somehow it’s okay. they make you feel safe. they make you comfortable with the unknown. suddenly, feeling is no longer something to fear. suddenly, you want more.

in a way, that’s what you do to me. you reach inside and pull out pieces of myself that i never even knew existed. you challenge who i am, and who i want to be. you hold me accountable. you make it okay to feel, to struggle, to speak... there will never be another you. you're like a musical drug. you can't be replicated. can't be explained. (mr. amazing) my own secret smile, wrapped inside my head and buried within my heart. you send me songs for every tear, every smile, every question. like little paper planes, unfolded, read, and heard; playing through my speakers, seeping inside... how do you know me so well? this is how my heart beats. and this is how you beat back. time after time. without fail. our conversations, always a multitude of possibilities. they reach deep. dance along the surface. bounce from, lighthearted. to serious. flirtatious. honest. questioning, and then back again. and, how is it? words flow like water into wine. no longer bland... suddenly you can taste it, whatever it is. sometimes, sweet. bitter. strong. weak. but, it gets to your head. you can feel it. it’s unexplainable. our friendship – unique, indescribable, yet perfect. "theatre couldn't write stories so fantastic as this one..."

and words can’t describe stories as fantastic as this one, i don’t believe there are a combination of words superior enough to describe how our friendship began, how it has grown, and how it continues to surprise me on a day to day basis. even now, i believe my words are failing the subject matter. i have read and re-read, inserted and deleted, all in hopes of making this somewhat appealing, somewhat worthy of the content it describes. perhaps, i have succeeded, and perhaps, i will try again down the road – with more vigor. for now, i can't find a combination of words strong enough to thank you... and at this moment i am unsure that i ever will. i am a better person because of you. you stuck by me, even through the roughest parts of my past, and you’re there in the most unsure moments of my present. you pushed me forward when everyone else was counting on me to fall. you cared when i didn't. you spoke truth when i believed in a lie. you were a light, even when you didn’t even know it. you influenced me, through words – spoken and unspoken. you reached inside and moved my heart... and i will never be the same.

they say: every song ends, but that’s no reason not to enjoy the music. i say: a song only ends if you want it to. so, play on. keep singing. show me something new. move my heart again.

welcome to america.

we make it an obsession, of sorts.
the constant concern of gaining,
while wide eye boys are gazing,
at bodies - never perfect, never right.
we fight to stay aboard the train.
of "look like this, and dress like that",
cut. and shave. and make. -up with
girls who feel just the same, care
about pleasing one thing. for this
is just the beginning of your life,
the call is out, this is only one night.
so eat your pizza. drink your beer.
slam the bathroom door, my dear.
pull your hair back, bend your knees,
this won't be as bad as it seems.
they say, it gets easier after time -
the feeling comes and you just know,
it looked better going down, but now
those handsome, slender, muscled boys
who oodle at your ass like a toy,
will take you home, wine and dine you
because your jeans, they say "size two".
and if one day, you find a boy who
loves you, even if, you've gained a few
or five, or ten, or more, well then -
call that boy a man and thank him.
pull him close, and slam the door,
bend your knees and climb aboard,
the train has come to leave behind,
those images of too skinny a size.

we are the music.

"Memorize some bit of verse of truth or beauty. It may serve a turn in your life." Edgar Lee Masters

there it is. the edge of an open field merging into everlasting evergreens. it's as if one world ends and another begins in one motion, one step. yet, somehow they are linked. incomplete without the other caressing its bounds; feather upon body, sand against the sea, skin against skin. each world vastly incomprehensible to the other, yet somehow inclined to coexist. they combine, even if only for a few yards or miles or seconds... the way the end of each movement in a concerto seeps into the next - the chords echoing into space as new notes resonate, the instruments colliding to create melody and harmony - seperately, unprovoking... together, breathtaking. it's impossible to exist on opposite spectrums without sharing similarities with the contrapositions. the world was not created as individual parts meant to forge their way through space alone and untouched. there is a desire deep within, longing to be fulfilled: to feel the beauty the world has to offer. and that beauty can only be reached when each part, alone, is willing to fuse with another part. briefly, at first - testing the waters. taking one step in, ankle deep, wondering if the unknown is worth the risk. gradually, the water rises because the steps go further in. this is how a heart beats: risk. curiousity. feeling. emotion. all rolled into one and tossed into the world of chance. here is where the beauty lies. and when the breaking happens, tearing at the seams and destroying until the soul is almost irremediable - that is when the merging begins again. and the notes play softly for one another, finding their corresponding chords. and then, music happens. love happens. life happens.

Color the World.

"May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you're wonderful, and don't forget to make some art - write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. And I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself." - Neil Gaiman

At the start of every year, there are millions of people with new years resolutions, millions of people vowing to change at least one aspect of their lives. I am not one of those people. I don't believe in new years resolutions, I kind of feel that when you set yourself a goal like "lose weight" you will just end up getting frustrated with yourself when you don't accomplish what you envisioned on day one. Instead, I believe that I am more successful when I simply do things because I want to, because I have the drive to accomplish them... not because on January 1st I feel obligated to set some goal for myself. Yet, the beginning of a new year can still be significant.

Don't ignore an opportunity to embrace change. Embark on the wings of new possiblities. Don't sell yourself short. Don't let the next year slip by, day by day, without growing. You can always be a better version of yourself. And those dreams inside of you, they are meant to be spoken. They are meant to be embraced... Not ignored. A new year does as it always does - an open, unknown, stretch of months waiting to bring you what you can never imagine. What you think you know now, might be nowhere close to where you'll be a year from now, or even a few months down the road. Don't cut yourself off from the world. Don't shut open doors. Walk through and trust that God has it in control. Life is not a dead end, even when it feels that way. Even when it seems impossible to get up, there is a way. Keep pushing. In every situation, in whatever you do, keep trying. Keep believing. There is always something greater than you. Do not be afraid. Your world is a blank piece of paper and you are the artist. You have the ability to change. To shape. To color.

For me, embracing my world means heading back to school at the end of this week and being the best possible version of myself. Putting my heart into my studies, and more than that - giving my heart to God. This is a brand new semester, and there are things I left when I came home for break and I am more than ready to pick them back up again. I am my own person. And away from those I've known for years, I can be that person. I can find myself. So, as I embark into 2010, and into all the unknown possiblities that await I just want to say Thanks... Thank you God, for giving me another day. Another year. Another moment. Another opportunity to shape my life for you. To continue to discover my potential, to conquer the things I don't even know exist yet. I am truly blessed. I am happy. And this year, should be amazing.

home is where the heart is... kinda.

i love coming home. because, it is, and will always be, my home. i grew up. a large part of who i am lies in these city streets, these neighborhoods, in my family, in my friends, in the house where i grew up. rapid city will always be my home. and so, my heart will always be here in some way. but the heart inside that yearns for the Lord... that heart does not belong here. at least not in this present moment. ever since i went to college, it has been a constant cycle. i feel like, for the most part, i have tried to seek God at school. especially this year, i know that transferring was a calling from God. and my life in greeley, besides all the focus on school, goes to God. i have made it a priority to find a church, and attend it almost every week, and get involved in a bible study. the friends, the only friends i have made, consist of a small group of girls who all seek and openly discuss God. i make time for God there, and not just in groups of people in Christian gatherings... i make time for Him in my personal time. or at least i try a lot harder than i do when i come home... which is barely any at all.

God should be a priority, every day, in every situation. it shouldn't matter where i am, or who i am hanging out with. i should want to be focused on God in everything i do, and with every person i come into contact with. i should make time for Him everyday regardless if i am at my apartment alone or at home with my family. just because other people occupy more of my time when i come home, does not make God any less important. He should be number one, first, above everyone. but often times, i end up putting God on the back burner when i come home. i get so involved in seeing everyone, and doing all these things, that i don't make time for Him. and in the process, i lose what i went away to find... which is myself. the girl who wants to make the right choices. who wants to please God in everything i do. the girl who genuinely cares about everyone, and doesn't get caught up in silly drama or let alcohol affect the way she acts, the way she talks, the way she treats people she loves. inside, i am more than i allow my friends to see when i come home.

i come home and allow myself to fall back into the same patterns. the drinking. the drama. the bad decisions. it really disgusts me actually. and its the same thing every time. this summer my friend and i had this conversation, and attempted to do a bible study... we failed. today, i seriously considered whether coming home this summer is a good idea. i thought it was a for sure thing... yeah, i'm coming home. but now i'm not so sure. i love the people here. i love my friends. but that also means i let things go a lot more easily, just because i do know all those people. i justify things. because i'm home. because i'm safe. because... la la la. sometimes it takes things for God to really grab ahold of you. well, God was grabbing ahold of me today. i felt awful about things from last night ( i won't go into details ). the point is that, God used how i felt today to really ask me to examine my heart. i'm not that girl from last night. or at least, i don't want to be.

i feel like i say this a lot... but the desire of my heart is to be completely consumed with God. and when i'm walking with God, truly walking with God, choices and actions like the ones i've made lately don't happen. my freshman year of college i took a long break from drinking because i felt that was what God was asking me to do. i need to pray about this some more, but i'm kind of feeling that way now. i need to re-center my life on the one who matters. the only one that matters. the one who loves me. no matter what. the one that keeps saying, "Come back Kari... I'm still here. I'm waiting with open arms, and I'm going to get you through this. I love you."