you made me feel like a harbour.

i will hide out and here and pretend we are the same people we were so many years before. i will crawl inside of my heart and act like nothing has changed.

you are greater than you know. more influential than you will ever understand. you take the simplest things and make them beautiful. you know the perfect things to say. you know the perfect song to send. you have shattered my expectations. you have made it impossible to believe i will ever find the perfect man. boy, i will always compare everyone to you. and i'm afraid no one will ever measure up. how does a friendship capture all my needs? everything i could ever want? we know it is complicated. we know it is unexplainable. but somehow, it seems perfect. you made me feel like a fortress. friends come and go. you stay. year after year, break-up after breakdown, love after loss, outburst after silence. you never fade. you never falter. you are talent. you are heart. you are a man - after God. following, and searching. falling and getting back up again. you're not afraid to fail. you're not afraid to change your mind. you go after what you want. you're ambitious and full of life. you make me want to be better. in a way, i believe i am better because of you. you rescued me. at least for a little while anyway. the scary part is not what we are, but what we will someday cease to be. i want to be selfish and hold on forever. like casper, i'm asking - "can i keep you?" i want to be friends forever. but that is unlikely. and i will survive... years from now i will look back, and see the beginning of what it means to love unconditionally. i saw "i love you's" all over the place. the ability to hang on, even when the world was screaming to let go. making time, even in the midst of chaos. understanding, when no one else did. driving around at two in the morning, simply to be there - to talk, to breathe. we play around and talk aloud, but underneath there is something unique. something irreplaceable. like the world's tallest self-supporting tower. we could stand forever, unmoved, and unchanged. we could hold on forever. would you hold me forever? lets dive deeper. towards the unknown, away from reality. i want to run away and never look back. trapped forever inside this world with you... but it will shatter. all good things do. they break. they falter. they become memories we love but can no longer grasp. still pictures hung in our minds, collecting dust, begging to forget. before you, was a concrete heart. and after, the same.

and now we're loose ends of the night.

she's like a curse upon his heart; she takes his love and holds it captive - unable to reciprocate it, and yet, unable to let it fly free. [he would die for you, girl. he would give up everything to make sure you were happy. but it is never enough, it will never be enough.] she holds him on a string. he puts her on a pedestal. she takes. he gives. she flirts. he loves. there is history behind those deep brown eyes, and her blue ones shine. like they used to. but behind them, emptiness ensues. [boy, her heart is broken and fading. ready to grasp onto whoever will love her. she wants the here and now, not the forever. not the promises. take your love and run.] she is beauty. he is genuine. what once was a perfect pair, is now a beautiful disaster. a chaotic mess that will never be fixed. there is no resolution to this dissonance. and will there ever be? sex will not hold them together. sex will not fix the brokenness. sex cannot be a substitute for love. he has a heart of gold. he could change the world and break for happiness, but he is suffocating underneath her. and if he dies beneath her, he would say that is okay - because he gave her everything. he stayed true to his heart. he loved her unconditionally. [don't you see it girl? everything you could ever want, right in front of you. ready for the taking.] she wants what she wants. here or there, and everywhere. the world is never enough - they are never enough, this or that boy. and so, she always finds him again. until another enters her path, she knows - he will always be there. when the world gets cold, and lonely - he will hold her in his arms. he will tell her she is beautiful. he will promise her the world. and she will feel wanted, again. [she is never going to commit to you, boy. don't you realize you are wasting your time? you are wasting your energy on a girl who will never love you back... you could love another. you are young. there is time. take your heart and let it mend.] the world says, everyone needs someone. even if it is only for a moment - it is better to have someone than no one at all. but, shouldn't you need someone who needs you back? there is a difference between need, and use. he loves her. and she pretends. she plays with his heart. and denies it to the world. but friends on both sides can see through those lies... he refuses to move on. she refuses to care. and so the web grows tangled, and they are caught in the middle, two too immobilized to move. and reluctant to try. where will they go from here? she is a curse. and he is doomed to fail.

hello world, hope you're listening.

life is about the little things. a text waiting for you when you wake up. lunch with a family member. the perfect vanilla latte. an extra hour of sleep. buying something new. the song you need to hear playing on the radio. a great conversation with a friend. that perfect meal. an encouraging word. a good grade on a test. a great run on a beautiful day. a friendly smile from a stranger... the little things get you through the day. big things don't happen very happen, but little things do - they happen every day. you just have to open your eyes and see them, and recognize them for what they are - pieces of hope in the midst of chaos. a shred of light in a darkened world. a reminder from God, as if to say, "I'm right here. You're going to make it through this day. I'm thinking of you. Do you see me?" each day we encounter is full of reminders of God's love and the blessings He chooses to give us. we don't deserve it. but, that is the beauty of it all. we don't deserve it, and God gives it anyway. unconditional love. constant reminders that He is never far away... our lives are like books. pages have been written. we have chosen to scribble things out in hopes of not returning, or remembering, but they are still there beneath the surface. we have regrets. we have memories. we have moments of happiness and sadness. we have the climaxes and the filler pages. but God is in every page, whether or not we failed to see it. He was always there. He is here. He will always be here. the rest of our lives are open like blank pages before us. so, do we continue to write each page letting God float in the background or do we write Him in ourselves? consciously make Him a part of our future. desire to see Him in the pages yet to be written. life is beautiful. but it becomes extraordinary when we see things as God sees them. delight in the little things. smile for no reason. recognize unconditional love and do our best to love the world just the same. we will fail, because we're human... but we can try. love the world as God loves us. do something "little" for someone else. it might make the biggest difference.

keep your head above water...

... but don't forget to breathe.

2 Corinthians 4:16 - "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, inwardly we are being renewed day by day."

this is one of those WOW verses. the kind that finds you in the perfect moment. and, tonight this one found me. and so i wanted to share it. because today, was one of those days. lately, i've been having a lot of those days. i've been struggling with some key things God has placed on my heart, and what to make of them. i've tried removing distractions. i've prayed. i've cried. i've questioned. and at the end of the day i'm still unsure of an answer - uncertain of God's answer, God's will. i'm going to be honest, it's really frustrating. and after awhile it starts to become draining. i know holding onto God is supposed to bring joy, and peace, and understanding. but at the same time it's not meant to be easy. sometimes, it is really really hard.

God is overwhelming, discerning His voice seems like a test. like how can you really be sure that what you are hearing is God or just yourself on a subconcious level? He knows all, and yet our minds can come nowhere close to understanding. He only gives us glimpses, as we choose day by day to follow Him. and in this choice - we do not lose heart. or faith. digressing a little, i find it interesting to look up alternate versions of verses that i enjoy. when i looked up this verse there was a varying list for the words "wasting away" : decaying, wearing out, perishing, weariness, corrupted, consumed, wasted, dying. all of these signify struggle. the weight upon our shoulders, the warning of destruction, the consequences of the world, the imperfections of ourselves. but the word "renewed" seemed to remain constant through practically all the translations. so, i looked it up. in the dictionary it means the following: to make new, to restore, to revive, to replenish, to bring into being again. with that in mind, God restores us every day we choose to run to Him. He revives our hearts. He replenishes our souls. He brings into being again our intimate relationship with Him. He brings us life. He brings us hope. He is always only a step away.

choosing to live for God is not easy. desiring to adhere to His will is not without challenges. having a relationship with Jesus is not a smooth road. but we have to choose to move forward anyway. to keep calling out to Him, especially in the midst of confusion and discouragement. i have faults. i have questions. but, there is light in the little things. like a simple verse on a challenging day - suddenly, it's not so simple. suddenly you see it - the beauty and the awe-inspiring power of God, the promises of His word, the joy of His love.

2 Corinthians 4:16 "Therefore - because of this GRACE, we faint not. The flesh rots away but the spirit of Jesus, which lives within us, is restored."

Stand up boy, I shine so bright when you're around.

he would always be that thing. you know, that one constant movement in the midst of chaos, like the perfect song on a tragic day. he would always be her world. she said that he used to love her, back when it all first begin, back when she was dating someone else and they had found each other in friendship. he became her confidant. he became her laughter. he became a piece of who she was. while she gave herself away physically to boys disguised in smiles and camoflauged in alcohol's desire, she also gave herself away emotionally - to him. she told me it was like a movie. like, in some kind of wonderful. he was watts. she was keith. every guy she wanted was amanda jones. but that was where the similarities ended. he was standing right in front of her, and she just kept walking. until one day, he was behind her and out of reach, a memory. a regret. a written piece of music that never had a chance to be played. it just sat there, notes arranged into corresponding harmonies. moments of distress, but always followed by a resolution. she told me it would have been beautiful. and i believed her. if you would have seen her face, you would have believed it to. she spoke quietly, afraid of telling the truth but her words still grasping onto raw emotion. i couldn't see tears, but i could feel them - gathering in the air like a tornado, ready to touch down at any moment, the possibility of self-destruction on her tongue. i wanted to rewind time for her, and place him in my seat. for him to hear the heart-wrenching passion, the hidden secret. for him to know how much she loved him, how much she had always loved him. stripping away the fear and speaking out loud. that's all it would have taken. but the past is the past, she said. i don't believe her then. the past feels the same as the present. the song is still dancing on her lips, waiting to be sung. her voice, now, is simply rehearsing for the big performance. this is just the first step towards recognition, towards a masterpiece. she tells me he has moved on, as her hands move up and down her jeans. i imagine the nervous sweat that is enveloping her body. how her heart must be writhing. it's so beautiful and catastrophic that i want to cry. because now, i know she will never love another. she will never love me. she said she was sorry. she said she would always regret her silence, her inability to take part in the game when she had the chance. love had come and gone, and she had watched it... floating in the air like a butterfly, stopping briefly on the flower before her, and then simply flying on again... she said she would never get the chance to perform this act again. the moment had passed. the flower had died. spring was no longer. i had found her in the dead of winter, where she would never escape. he would always be her butterfly. he would always be her happiness. to her, her first love and her last love would be the same forever. but, he would never know it. she never gave him the chance to hear it. only i, who wanted to love her, will carry the song.

L is for loose ends.

[disclaimer: the transitions between these sections are slim, the connection between them sparse, the relation between the beginning and the end... minimal. but all touch on love. so happy hallmark holiday. i hope you found something real today besides cheesy movies and kisses and candy hearts]

someday (maybe) they will ask me who you were and i will tell them. they will ask about my first love (or almost love) and i will tell them. by then, the answer will be approached with a smile, for the years will have erased all the lies. all the tears. all the memories of betrayal and abandoned trust. for even now, only a few years later, i have started to forget how you wrecked me. how you rendered me broken and needing attention. how the mere thought of speaking to you used to make my stomach turn, literally near sickness. how i never thought i would forgive you. but all this has begun to pass away because i do... forgive you. and so, years from now when my children ask me about my first love i will tell them about you. the laughter, and the tears, all rolled into deep conversations in the moonlight - taking walks in the summer air. or how we could say nothing and it would be perfect. how you knew me. how you made me want to forget about everything and simply be, with you. someone once said, love is friendship set on fire. maybe, they were right... that the best relationships grow out of friendships (if we had given it an honest try). still, i will tell my children that i loved you. because i did - on some level.

and now i believe that i am cursed, developing feelings for the "best friends" in my life. and maybe not accurately, but at least considering the possibilities that could arise. maybe, i want to fall in love with my best friend. for real this time. looking back on the men whom i have liked over the years, i mean - really liked, i find almost all of them were friends first. ample time spent with others, mutual gatherings, and late nights. or time spent alone, completely uninhibited by sexual undertones or desires. innocence and honesty. light-hearted conversations, or sometimes deep. there was no pressure. no need to entertain the other, or draw them in. we just were - the way we were supposed to be, joined by friendship and nothing more, our minds simply delighting in the simplicity of company. until one day it changes. or at least, you think it changes. or perhaps, people try and change it for you. until you start to believe it, the possibility of something more, something deeper. and suddenly you wake up one morning and realize that you are screwed. completely and utterly screwed. because you have an amazing best friend. and one day you're either going to fall for that person, or you're going to lose him or her to someone he or she has fallen for, or you will fall for someone and leave your best friend behind. and the idea is scary. because somewhere along the line that person stopped being just a common friend and became the bearer of your deepest secrets, the knower of your thoughts, the reader of your actions. at times, he or she knows you better than you know yourself and it's something you never want to lose. but you will. you must. unless you both come to mutual realization that there is more beneath the surface, and in that case... it could ruin your friendship.

love is about taking risks. love is about not being afraid to tell the truth. love is loving unconditionally, wholeheartedly, with patience, with passion, with persistance. love is more than just a feeling, love is a choice. a choice that you have to make every day, for the rest of your life, if you choose to make it. it is not a one time vow. it is not a summer fling. love passes only if you let, only if you watch it go. love is about fighting. love is about caring more about someone else than for yourself. love is about laying down your life. love comes when you least expect it (or at least that is what i've been told). there is not an equation. there is not a formula for knowing what it is or when it finds you. it can make your heart beat fast or it can bring you peace. love is slowing dying every minute you're away from each other and then bursting into flames when you meet again. love is friendship set on fire. love is more than a holiday in february. love is more than cheesy movies and corny pick-up lines. love is more than "almost". love is greater than sunshine. love is not sex. love is not disposable. love is not ordinary. love is not explainable. love is not just a word.

i have never been "in love". sometimes i believe i have come close. sometimes i believe in the possiblity of getting close again - moving from "i love you" to "i'm in love with you". sometimes i dream about the same guy for multiple nights in a row and wake up thinking it must mean something. i think of what could be. i think of how i feel about this guy, or that. sometimes i really think i truly care about someone in my life. other days i simply pray for my future husband. other times i simply ask God for patience to keep waiting, i ask Him for love. and He answers: "This is Love. That God loved us and sent His son to be the payment for our sins... If we love each other, God lives in us, and His love is perfected in us." i know i can love God more. i need to love God more. i want to love God more. He has blessed me with an unconditional love, and i often think i need to appreciate that before i can truly love someone else. all i know for sure is this - God's love is amazing and perfect and unlike any earthly love will ever be. i'm still waiting for my earthly prince, but God has me wrapped up in His arms.

i'll leave these words unsaid.

sometimes, the words that mean the most are the ones left unsaid. or omitted. or buried. the closer they get to the surface, the further they are pushed down again. until one day... when they need to be spoken, the surface can no longer be found. out of breath and gasping for air, the words drown below the surface. perhaps, it is a matter of timing. the right moment. or maybe, its a matter of choice. choosing to speak. to take a risk. to open your heart. there's a chance the words will be left in the air, but they will be in the open. free to float around. free to feel. free to move. and someday, maybe they'll find their way back to where your heart lies. and if they don't - then maybe they will find something new. for, words can be ambigious, open to varying interpretations and responses. some matter. some don't. but how will you know the reaction if you never speak? how will you find the courage to speak again and again if your mouth remains closed in the midst of heavy stakes? words mean something. let them be heard.