searching again

i think back to last year and i recognize the time in my life when i was closer to God, when I was making better decisions, when i had no desire to drink... no desire to just "hook-up" with guys... when i was actually trying to make my life what i wanted it to be. trying to be the person i liked being. when my freinds came along side of me and helped me along the way... holding me as i cried, encouraging me, lifting me up, loving me even when i screwed up. i was so close. so close to having an awesome relationship with God (i was getting there...) i could see it within my grasp... it was new, and the personal relationship was something i had never experienced, but i was starting to get it. i was happier. and then my world came crashing down, and i tried to hold on... but it was so hard... and i let go. i became silent. nothing mattered. i didn't care if i messed up. (i might have felt somewhat guilty knowing i was letting people down, letting myself down...) but it didn't matter anymore. nothing did. i'm not saying it was all bad. but the progress i had made decreased.

(idk if i'm making any sense right now but i'm trying to put the puzzle pieces together and its a little difficult, so i apologize if this is confusing. cuz its confusing to me as well... )

right now. i want to find my way back. and i don't know how to do that on my own.
i have a lot of faults. i'm very emotional. i let myself break down a lot... too much. (i don't know how to hold it together.) i care about what other people think. i have a hard time opening up to people when i know they don't see things the same way i do. (i feel like they're judging me). i lean on people to help me too much. way too much. (i apologize...sometimes i just feel so helpless and i don't know what else to do) i like to have fun. i still drink. i still make-out with guys who don't really matter. and i still beat myself up over it. funny huh? you know the things that make you upset, and make you feel worthless... and yet, you still do them. why? why do we do things that hurt us? temporary satifaction i think. we would rather have what we're looking for in the wrong way then not have it at all. lame. i have my moments. i have the times where i stand strong, and the times where i let my guard down. will i ever always be able to make the right choice? i would like to think so, but i can't make any promises. (been there. done that.) i let little things bother me. (like when someone doesn't call me back, or when a comment rubs me the wrong way)

i know what needs to change. but i'm unsure, or somewhat unwilling, to do it. i feel like there should be able to be a happy medium. honestly, drinking isn't really one of my personal convictions - its what i do when i drink that makes me dislike it at times. so what do i do? i love my friends that are close to me to death. but it bothers me that they're not on the same page i am on a lot of things. which leaves me in moments like this. in my room alone, crying out to God, searching my bible for something to help, singing to the worship songs on my computer... totally not a bad thing to happen, but i wish i could just be like; hey. i'm kinda struggling right now, i could really use some pray or some encouragement. but thats not how things are with them. and so i feel alone. today God kinda gave me something though.

Psalm 119 - (REALLY LONG) i think i'm gonna try doing one or two sections a day so i can get something out of it. so today verses 1 - 16. and this is what i got.

*5: i pray that my ways may become firmly established so that i can obey your laws
*7: i will give thanks to you as i learn your regulations
*9 -10: How can a young person keep his life pure? He can do it by holding on to your word, by wholeheartedly searching for you.

How can I keep my life pure?
- growing closer to God
- making the "right" choices (choices i am okay with, choices i will not regret)
- relying on HIM for help always (i will never be able to fully grasp why things happen - why my aunt died, why i get myself in certain situations, how i can live life the way i want to, how i can be the person i should be... without HIM)
- letting go of my past (pause - one more fault. i constantly re-think and get upset over things that have already happened, things i can't change.)

well idk how much progress this has caused me, but i feel a lot better, and lot more refreshed right now. i guess i just gotta keep holding on to God, and seraching for his promises to figure out what everything is all about.

cuz there's this great guy out there... whose name is Jesus. He loves me, and i'm a big fan of love. so i'd kinda like to get to know Him a lot better. i'm thinking it'll be one of those relationships that'll work out for me. and thats something i'm more than okay with.

what else is there?

i crash at the most unexpected times. i will be having a great time, and then like a flick of a switch all happiness is gone and its all i can do to keep from crying. will this ever stop happening to me? when does it get easier? i believe that time does not heal wounds. they will never be healed. perhaps they will be covered up... or hidden. or the hurt might subside for awhile, but they never heal. because when a wound heals it means you are as healthy as you were before... and that, will never be the case. it is more than a wound... it is a scar. a constant reminder of what used to be, and what will never be the same. i know i am complaining, and being selfish. in actuality i am glad that she is in a better place and that God's loving arms are wrapped around her. but then there are these days; and i want nothing more than to hear her voice and to feel her arms around me. i miss her more than i could have ever imagined... i want her back. so here i am again... wishing for the impossible. and trying to praise God through the rain. trying to continue to understand, Why? and realize that His will and timing is perfect. i have to keep saying it over and over again... otherwise all i do is get upset. its just the harder thing i have experienced. and sometimes... i suck at handling it. sorry. and i let little things bother me. things that make no difference to who i am, or what i stand for. yet it still bothers me. and then i feel pathetic and i have to keep it to myself, because telling someone would seem lame, especially when the only people i might consider telling have no idea what i'm going through. and where is my life heading? sometimes i think i can see it clearly, and then something happens and i have no clue what i'm doing, or where i'm going. maybe i'm going the wrong direction... i really am trying to stay on the right track... but sometimes, i just don't seem to make the right choices. i am setting myself up for failure and dissapointment? i don't know. i honestly don't know. all i know, is that right now... in this moment. i am hurting. and searching for something. i feel like those who really understood me and who helped me in the area i needed it most... are millions of miles away. and that they don't really care anymore. i know its different when people aren't around anymore, but sometimes i just wish i could get a text or a call saying: hey, i really just wanted to tell you how much you mean to me, and i just wanted to see if you were having a good day. i just want to know i still matter... even if i'm not there anymore.

does anybody here me? here i am Lord, trying and failing. walking down a path, falling, and getting back up. and all i need right now is a little help. anyone... just a word or two.

"she is running, a hundred miles an hour... in the wrong direction"