"deep within yourself there is a part of you that can do it. that can reach beyond your comfort-level, beyond your fears, and soar above the norm. you posess the ability to fly. to run. to dream. to lay all of your inhibitions aside, and let go. conquer what everyone tells you is impossible. prove them wrong, more than that - prove it to yourself." - ME
change change change. i feel like that is all i have been talking about lately. maybe because it has been a big part of my life... and it never ends. and as much as i know it is necessary, as much as i know it is something that has to happen, as much as i know that without it i wouldn't be where i am today... i still don't have to like it all of the time. sometimes i really would just like to push pause. push rewind. and then make a decision that keeps me where i am, or keeps other people where i am. i think that is the hardest. because if i know i need to get up and move away, to experience something new, that's fine because it is my decision. not to say its always easy, but i can cope with it better because it is in my control. when other people make the decisions for me... i'm not as okay with that.
one of my best friends from home just called me to tell me she isn't coming home for the summer. i should say that we really only got really close last summer, and then we spent practically every day together over christmas break. i was so looking forward to spending a whole bunch of time with her this summer again. i didn't handle it very well, i'm going to be honest. out of my control, i just start crying on the phone and i couldn't speak because i was trying to hold it in. finally i said i would just talk to her later... got off the phone and bawled. it is a huge dissapointment. and on top of everything else lately, its just like OKAY GOD!? I know that these things have to happen for a reason but seriously?? All at once? it's becoming too much to handle, especially on top of all the final end of the year school stuff i have going on. i find myself not even wanting to put any effort into my schoolwork anymore because i am so overwhelmed with all the extra things i have going on in my life.
that's another thing. i can be so excited for summer, and at the same time i don't want this to end. i'm not ready to say goodbye. i'm not ready to leave this all behind. it is two completely different worlds and i am going to miss this one. the one at home i know will always be there, along with the friends that are a part of it. but this one - it's a little different. and after its all said and done, how many friendships will remain? some of my friends are graduating this year. and they are saying their goodbyes. and its just like it never ends. no matter if you stay or go, there will always be goodbyes to be had, changes to accept. i just really wasn't ready to deal with them at home yet... i thought this summer would be just as good as the last, and now there is going to be a missing piece of my puzzle. especially with the fact that i have gotten so much closer to her this year, she is the person i talk to the most about stuff... and i just really don't want to let that go. she is coming home for two days. TWO DAYS. and that is for her sister's graduation... i just really didn't know what to say. it really sucks. and i don't want to deal with it.
if you can't tell: i'm struggling a bit right now. its hard to see God's plan in all this when right now i feel like i'm just moving forward into a grey area that i have no idea how to maneuver. blah.
April 28, 2009
April 21, 2009
God Knows.
I knew who I was this morning, but I've changed a couple times since then. -Alice In Wonderland
life is constantly changing, even throughout the course of the day. how you feel when you roll out of bed could be completely different from how you feel at the end of the day. sometimes thats a good thing (you know... rough mornings) or sometimes it can be more frustrating, and you just want the day to end... to crawl back into bed and hope that in the morning things will start anew. and sometimes thats all you need. a fresh start. a fresh start to a day, or perhaps a fresh start to life and where you're at. but sometimes - even if you know thats what you need, you really don't want to follow through with it. its easier to continue with your routine, its easier to stay where you are comfortable, no matter how much you don't want to be there... its familiar. and sometimes that matters more than stepping out of the box. [i'm rambling. i know. i apologize.]
i went to visit colleges this last weekend... which turned out to be singular, college. the plan was to visit University of Northern Colorado (Greeley) and the University of Wyoming (Laramie). well... laramie got about a foot of snow and the roads there got closed, so i didn't get to check it out. super bummed... everyone told me i would like it best, everyone thought that would be the one i would pick. i got to see greeley though, and i really liked it. which makes me wonder even more about laramie. i guess i'm taking it as God closing a door... i have been praying that he would makes things about where i was supposed to go, and by not allowing me to go to laramie... i just think maybe God is saying No, Kari. I have another plan. yet, i just have a really hard time ruling that option out or at least not following through by going and touring the campus. which leaves me still without an answer. its really all i have been thinkinga bout since i got back to school. i can't help walking around campus and comparing the two in my head. what's better about there, why would i stay here, pluses, minuses, differences... the list goes on and on. i can't get it out of my mind, its driving me crazy! i'm afraid to say what i think aloud, because i want to be sure before i start telling people or acting like i'm committing to one or the other. i really do think i have some idea... but i'm scared out of my mind. more than that, i want to make sure i'm making the choice God has for me and not just what i want. i want to follow His voice. His calling. His plan. not my own... i've done that before. doesn't seem to work out so well. so prayer. lots and lots of prayer.
Psalm 139: 23 - "search me O God and know my heart, test me and know my anxious thoughts." i was directed there in my devotions today... and i know He knows my heart, He knows my concerns, He knows my worries. He knows where I am supposed to be next fall. and that is what i have to hold onto. that is what we all have to hold onto. God will bless those who follow His calling, when we go our own way we have to be prepared to deal with the consequences. He will continue to work through those choices, but He knows best - so why not just follow Him the first time around! i know, i know what you're thinking - how do you know? my mom told me that He will give you a desire and a peace. a desire to want to go/do, and a peace about it. other than that, i guess you just have to listen. sometimes i'm not really sure either. still one of those things i struggle with. but He will make a way. :)
okay. i don't even know if any of this is making any sense. so i'm going to close out for the night. loveee!
life is constantly changing, even throughout the course of the day. how you feel when you roll out of bed could be completely different from how you feel at the end of the day. sometimes thats a good thing (you know... rough mornings) or sometimes it can be more frustrating, and you just want the day to end... to crawl back into bed and hope that in the morning things will start anew. and sometimes thats all you need. a fresh start. a fresh start to a day, or perhaps a fresh start to life and where you're at. but sometimes - even if you know thats what you need, you really don't want to follow through with it. its easier to continue with your routine, its easier to stay where you are comfortable, no matter how much you don't want to be there... its familiar. and sometimes that matters more than stepping out of the box. [i'm rambling. i know. i apologize.]
i went to visit colleges this last weekend... which turned out to be singular, college. the plan was to visit University of Northern Colorado (Greeley) and the University of Wyoming (Laramie). well... laramie got about a foot of snow and the roads there got closed, so i didn't get to check it out. super bummed... everyone told me i would like it best, everyone thought that would be the one i would pick. i got to see greeley though, and i really liked it. which makes me wonder even more about laramie. i guess i'm taking it as God closing a door... i have been praying that he would makes things about where i was supposed to go, and by not allowing me to go to laramie... i just think maybe God is saying No, Kari. I have another plan. yet, i just have a really hard time ruling that option out or at least not following through by going and touring the campus. which leaves me still without an answer. its really all i have been thinkinga bout since i got back to school. i can't help walking around campus and comparing the two in my head. what's better about there, why would i stay here, pluses, minuses, differences... the list goes on and on. i can't get it out of my mind, its driving me crazy! i'm afraid to say what i think aloud, because i want to be sure before i start telling people or acting like i'm committing to one or the other. i really do think i have some idea... but i'm scared out of my mind. more than that, i want to make sure i'm making the choice God has for me and not just what i want. i want to follow His voice. His calling. His plan. not my own... i've done that before. doesn't seem to work out so well. so prayer. lots and lots of prayer.
Psalm 139: 23 - "search me O God and know my heart, test me and know my anxious thoughts." i was directed there in my devotions today... and i know He knows my heart, He knows my concerns, He knows my worries. He knows where I am supposed to be next fall. and that is what i have to hold onto. that is what we all have to hold onto. God will bless those who follow His calling, when we go our own way we have to be prepared to deal with the consequences. He will continue to work through those choices, but He knows best - so why not just follow Him the first time around! i know, i know what you're thinking - how do you know? my mom told me that He will give you a desire and a peace. a desire to want to go/do, and a peace about it. other than that, i guess you just have to listen. sometimes i'm not really sure either. still one of those things i struggle with. but He will make a way. :)
okay. i don't even know if any of this is making any sense. so i'm going to close out for the night. loveee!
April 01, 2009
this is our lives.
"It happens to everyone as they grow up... you find out who you are and what you want, and then you realize that the people you've known forever don't see things the way you do. And so you keep the memories but find yourself moving on."
do you ever wonder, if ten years from now you will even talk to the people you now consider your "best friends"? do you ever wonder where will you be in ten years, what you will be doing? will you be married? will you have kids? will you be "successful"? will you look back and wish for the past, or will you be happy in the present, will you be looking towards the future? will you be happy?
the future is unknown. no matter how much we pre-plan, and set goals for ourselves, for where we want to be in the future. our lives can change in a matter of an instant. in a moment, you can decide to change the course of your life. in a moment, you can alter your future. we don't know where we will be ten years from now, twenty years from now. we can hope for this or that, or assume that we will get "real jobs", and have a family... but in reality, God might have something else in the cards for us. and you have to realize that whatever that is, He is going to use you, and He is going to work through whatever the future brings to work for His glory.
my friend laura and i were discussing life yesterday. with the looming question of whether or not i will still be attending msu - mankato next fall, we were contemplating how things change, and how fast. this year some of our closest friends here are graduating, and will we stay in touch with them? already we have seperated from our high school friends, and had to deal with those losses, or at least the change of not seeing them on a daily basis. and now, we will be asked to do it again. the cycle never really ends. and regardless of whether or not i transfer, i am going to have to keep dealing with ever-changing friendships. we both feel the same about it, we hate it. we hate saying goodbye to people. we hate not knowing if the connection will be maintained, or if it will evaporate over time. we love our friends. we never want to let any of them go. and yet, we have to keep holding onto the truth - God uses changes for the good. without them, we would never get anywhere. and i know i said this last time, but i really believe that friendships can last through changes, but you have to be willing to fight for them. when distance comes between people, and they continue to grow as individuals apart from each other, the friendship takes work. but its worth it, i know that for a fact. if want someone to continue to be a part of your life, you have to hold on to them, you have to fight for them, you have to show them that you care, that letting go is not an option. change will end some friendships. time, and distance are too much for some people to handle. and in the process, sometimes you discover that some friends aren't worth fighting for, and some might just slip away. that's a part of life. and new friends will enter in when you least expect it, but hold on to the old ones too - hold on to your lifesavers. hold on to the people who know your past, your present, and who you want to be a part of your future.
i don't know what next year is going to bring for me. either way, it will seperate me from people i love -those i already am away from, or the friendships i have here. either way, its going to be hard. if i stay it might take me awhile to understand why God still wants me here, because i don't love it, and coming back here break after break always is hard. yet if i go, i will once again have to rely on God to put in my path people who will encourage me - i will be starting all over yet again, and thats not going to be easy either. no matter what happens, God has a plan. God has a purpose for my life, and wherever i end up i have to believe that He is going to use that to teach me, to allow me to grow in His image, and bring me closer to the person i want to be. change can hurt us, change can tear us apart, but change can also bring us closer to God, and closer to who we are striving to become. every day is a new choice to live to the fullest. every day our future can change in an instant. every day God is directing our footsteps.
do you ever wonder, if ten years from now you will even talk to the people you now consider your "best friends"? do you ever wonder where will you be in ten years, what you will be doing? will you be married? will you have kids? will you be "successful"? will you look back and wish for the past, or will you be happy in the present, will you be looking towards the future? will you be happy?
the future is unknown. no matter how much we pre-plan, and set goals for ourselves, for where we want to be in the future. our lives can change in a matter of an instant. in a moment, you can decide to change the course of your life. in a moment, you can alter your future. we don't know where we will be ten years from now, twenty years from now. we can hope for this or that, or assume that we will get "real jobs", and have a family... but in reality, God might have something else in the cards for us. and you have to realize that whatever that is, He is going to use you, and He is going to work through whatever the future brings to work for His glory.
my friend laura and i were discussing life yesterday. with the looming question of whether or not i will still be attending msu - mankato next fall, we were contemplating how things change, and how fast. this year some of our closest friends here are graduating, and will we stay in touch with them? already we have seperated from our high school friends, and had to deal with those losses, or at least the change of not seeing them on a daily basis. and now, we will be asked to do it again. the cycle never really ends. and regardless of whether or not i transfer, i am going to have to keep dealing with ever-changing friendships. we both feel the same about it, we hate it. we hate saying goodbye to people. we hate not knowing if the connection will be maintained, or if it will evaporate over time. we love our friends. we never want to let any of them go. and yet, we have to keep holding onto the truth - God uses changes for the good. without them, we would never get anywhere. and i know i said this last time, but i really believe that friendships can last through changes, but you have to be willing to fight for them. when distance comes between people, and they continue to grow as individuals apart from each other, the friendship takes work. but its worth it, i know that for a fact. if want someone to continue to be a part of your life, you have to hold on to them, you have to fight for them, you have to show them that you care, that letting go is not an option. change will end some friendships. time, and distance are too much for some people to handle. and in the process, sometimes you discover that some friends aren't worth fighting for, and some might just slip away. that's a part of life. and new friends will enter in when you least expect it, but hold on to the old ones too - hold on to your lifesavers. hold on to the people who know your past, your present, and who you want to be a part of your future.
i don't know what next year is going to bring for me. either way, it will seperate me from people i love -those i already am away from, or the friendships i have here. either way, its going to be hard. if i stay it might take me awhile to understand why God still wants me here, because i don't love it, and coming back here break after break always is hard. yet if i go, i will once again have to rely on God to put in my path people who will encourage me - i will be starting all over yet again, and thats not going to be easy either. no matter what happens, God has a plan. God has a purpose for my life, and wherever i end up i have to believe that He is going to use that to teach me, to allow me to grow in His image, and bring me closer to the person i want to be. change can hurt us, change can tear us apart, but change can also bring us closer to God, and closer to who we are striving to become. every day is a new choice to live to the fullest. every day our future can change in an instant. every day God is directing our footsteps.
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