Attention Followers.

I'm starting a new chapter in my life and with that I need a change when it comes to how I write and where I write... I don't know if it's going to be permanent but I am going to try things out at Wordpress. I am so incredibly thankful for those of you have followed me over the years, those of you who have not only been internet followers but have also become encouragers and friends. So I invite you to continue this blogging relationship and follow me to a new beginning. I promise to do the same. :)

In the Review Mirror.

I pull out of the driveway of the house I have lived in for almost my entire life. There is a brand-new feeling in the pit of my stomach. It is unknown and uncombated, I know not how to cope with its influence. My car is in reverse but my life is moving ahead. I realize I will never live there again. The basement room I've called my own will now be used for guests, myself included. Future visits will be spent with suitcase in tow. The empty closets have bid me farewell. Gone are weeks and months spent there with nowhere else to go, nowhere else to be. I stare in the "review mirror" as I drive away -- leaving behind who I've been and where I've belonged for so long.

The tears come as they usually do - sprung from a few simple words on the screen, in my ears: You continue to be one of the most amazing people I have ever met. I needed to spend time with you more than you know. The goodbye waves in the driveway they just resonate and a trembling silence fills the air. I have barely left town and already the truth pulls me back - I am missed; I am loved. I drive down the highway through foggy vision. I leave behind pieces, yet take with me memories and the assurance of people who will never let me go. I replay everyday spent through the weekend -- running down the streets I've grown to love with her, sharing ice cream with friends, laughing until I can't breathe, riding in his truck talking about life, freezing memories together through a lens, crying as we say goodbye. They say that leaving gets easier with time, but I don't know how. It is never easy to walk away from the people and the places that you love.

My future awaits in the distant. The horizon signals unforeseen destinations and sings an unfamiliar tune. I look again in the review mirror, wishing for moments that have already gone. I'm stuck in the middle -- driving toward possibility and onward from familiarity. I will spend days clicking through photos and listening to somber songs. Transition is only hard when where you've been is as important as where you're going. It hurts because I've dared to feel. It aches because I've been privileged to love. Nostalgia sets in because I have touched truth and tasted authenticity. I have believed in a place in time; that place molded me into who I am. I have given my heart to people; those people have filled me with things I never even knew I needed.

On my journey, there are the things I take with me: Laughter; the little comments, random conversations, and silly circumstances that bring a smile to my face simply upon remembering their happening. It is the laughter that helps me breathe. Faces; those lights in the middle of this new adventure, reminding me they're by my side, giving me the courage to believe in myself, because they believe in me. Truth; the words God gives to me everyday through His message and the words of others, renewing my mind and equipping me with strength. Memories; the things I once desired are now among the things I will keep forever, hidden away in my heart for safekeeping. The beautiful thing about memories is they can never be taken from you and there are always more to be made. Tears; for often tears can be happy or sad, yet either is simply a type of cleansing, of healing, of shedding a feeling to make room for another. The tears make me stronger; they help me feel.

I reach my destination and look in the review mirror for the last time. I see sky, and I realize it is the same here, there, and everywhere. We are all connected; we are all people on our own journeys, but we are never alone. For paths cross, intersect, and merge -- for moments, for years, forever. There is nothing we leave behind that isn't a part of where we go. There is nowhere we will go where what we leave behind will not serve to empower us in some way. Our lives are a string of destinations, but they are all connected.

I am where I have never been. Still, I take with me people - for distance only separates as far as one lets it. And I take with me myself - for I am the same person here as there, although my surroundings change, inside I remain the same. Fear of the unknown will never replace my desire to feel, to know, to love. And so, I look ahead.

Tell the Truth.

The room was filled with conversations we weren't having.

I wanted to tell him he was more than just a friend, that he had always been more than just a friend. Every late night conversation, every laughter-soaked car ride, every tear-filled goodbye -- they had all meant more than what we'd said. I wanted to tell him about the night we spent lying on my living room floor after too many... how when we had drifted off to sleep, I had awoken to his arm around me. I wanted to tell him he wanted me too.

She wanted to tell someone that sometimes she threw up the things she ate. Not because she had to, because she wanted to -- because she thought it would make a difference. She wanted to tell someone that she had never felt skinny enough, not even back in high school when her body resembled a twig like all the other girls, not even when she had been in the best shape of her life. She had always been self-conscious. She wanted to tell someone she was scared of gaining weight. She wanted to tell someone she didn't feel beautiful.

He wanted to tell them he was leaving, that he had enlisted in the Armed Forces. He wanted to tell them that he loved them but that he didn't belong. He wanted to tell them he was running away, but telling them would defeat the point of the mission. He wanted to tell them how his father said he would never amount to anything, that he was too much of a coward to stand up for himself. He wanted to tell them he was standing up for his country. He wanted to tell them it was because nothing else mattered anymore.

He wanted to tell her he didn't want to be that guy anymore. He wanted to tell her that he was done sleeping around, that he had never really enjoyed it in the first place, at least not to the extent he said he did. He wanted to tell her how he used to be. He wanted to tell her he believed in the same things she believed -- in God, in purity, in love, and in relationships. He wanted to tell her he could change. He wanted to tell her she was worth changing for. He wanted to tell her she would be his last conquest.

She wanted to tell them that she had a drinking problem. It was more than what they saw on the weekends; it happened on nights where she was alone. She wanted to tell them all the times she had drunk herself into a stupor -- all the times she thought she had gone too far, the hours spent yakking on the bathroom floor. She wanted to tell them she was buzzed now, that she had snuck off during the movie to take some shots. She wanted to tell them she was an alcoholic. She wanted to tell them she needed them to still be her friend.

I wanted to tell them the truth. The kind that wrecks your soul, yet leaves you begging for more. I wanted to give them authenticity, if only they were willing to give it back. I wanted to tell them life's too short for secrets. I wanted to tell them only truth would matter in the end. The words of wisdom I clung to in private were ringing in my head, and still I said nothing. I wanted to tell them the truth, but nobody is ever ready for the truth.

The room was filled with conversations we weren't having.

Daddy's Little Girl.

When I was a little girl, my Dad would tuck me in at night. I was quite demanding for a girl my age. There was music to be wound -- two boxes that twirled and a small lamb that played. The lack of harmony never crossed my mind; they were sounds of comfort in the darkness. It never failed that I would ask for a glass of water, sooner than later my Dad learned to have it ready. And, I couldn't sleep without my teddy; Bear Bear was always the companion at my side. My Dad never missed a beat, never let an animal go unfound or music box unturned. In closing, he would tuck me in "snug-as-a-bug-in-a-rug," tell me he loved me, and turn out the light. I was always Daddy's little girl.

I went skiing for the first time when I was about five years old. It was soon become the tribute to "father-daughter" time. I can still remember my purple edgie-wedgie, a small piece of rubber hooking the front of my skis together, forcing me to naturally snow plow down the mountain. I remember his patience in teaching me. I also remember the car rides - it was the only time I distinctly remember country music being a part of my childhood. And, somehow, it created a bond between my Dad and me. The drive was only an hour, but we would stop for some treat on the way back -- hot chocolate, candy, or something of the sort. He always packed us lunch, because the slope food was overpriced, and he'd carry it in a little blue cooler, perfect for two. Weekends on the slopes turned into ski trips with mutual friends, conquering "big mountains" in Colorado. I haven't skied for years, but I treasure those moments with my Dad as if they were yesterday.

My childhood is full of adventures with my family -- my Dad standing as the leader over all. Hiking Harney Peak three years in a row, raining on us every time. Weekend camping trips equipped with endless games, laughter, and good food. He never left a detail unthought of. He was prepared for everything, or at least, that's the picture my memory paints for me now. My dad -- the protector, the hero, the one could fix anything. Fishing trips and days at the beach; catching nothing or catching too much sun. It never mattered. We were a family, and together we were happy. The adventure wasn't important, as long as it was being conquered. Even the adventure around our table, sharing scripture in the mornings before my brother and I went to school. The faithful way my dad drove us to church every Sunday. He was a leader, not only as a father and a husband, but as a man of God.

My Dad always pushed me to be my best, and he always lended whatever expertise he had to help me accomplish my goals. I remember nights at the kitchen table, pouring over math equations, or hours spent finding me the right doctors and the right shoes to make my high school running days as pain-free and optimal an experience as possible. He was always there -- cheering me on, pushing me to do better, loving me no matter what. He accepted me for who I was. When I chose to pursue a college education he wouldn't have chosen, he did his best to provide me the adequate resources to make sure it was the best experience possible. When I wanted to transfer schools, he drove the hours with me. The important decisions were made together. My dad pushed me to be my best, and I let him because I have always looked up to him.

Now that I'm getting older I see things I didn't get to see then. The way he loves my mother. The way he loves me and my brother. His gentle heart. His quiet spirit. His attention to detail. His silent way of seeking God -- the way his faith arises in moments spent with family and friends. He thinks before he speaks, and speaks with eloquence when he does. I see the way he has not only pushed me, but the way he pushes himself. He sets goals and he completes them. I get to talk to him, not only as my Dad but as my friend. We share a glass of wine over dinner and talk as if the world will never end. I call him for advice. I call him for answers on simple things, like how to cook a steak. I can come to him in tears. I can come to him with smiles. He is always there, with open arms and a supportive answer. He guides me as I grow. He quizzes me for "big-girl" interviews, and sends me money for professional attire. He tells me that God has a plan; he encourages me to keep praying for the way to go.


My dad is the first man I ever gave my heart to. It's going to take someone amazing, someone completely from God, to force me to give my heart again in the same way. My dad is the best father a girl could ask for, and I know my mother would say he is a great husband. Those are some large shoes to fill, ones I am not quite ready to set out on the market. I like the spot my dad has in my life -- where he is on my speed dial and how he's still the one that can fix everything.

I have always been Daddy's little girl, and I always will be.

What We Were; What We Will.

There was once a certainty in the unknown -- dreams we dreamed without knowing if they'd ever come true. We were bound to be school teachers, firefighters, doctors, and laywers. We believed in what we couldn't know. We were young and naieve; it was what made us strong. There was no one to tell us "No," and if they did, we paid them no attention. We were who we were. We were stubborn and headstrong; we were determined and curious. There was once a time that we dreamed dreams because it was all we knew. We did what we wanted, and longed to grow into our imaginations.

They warned us we would wish to be young again. They told us things would change. We only saw certainty in the things we knew then. We couldn't possibly see the truth in the unknown. They told us we had our whole lives to grow up; they told us to enjoy being young. We didn't know how to listen. We couldn't listen. We thought we knew it all. They told us to enjoy it slowly. We only knew how to live fast -- too fast.

We were once reckless and free -- living in moments we thought would never fade. We acted impulsively, with stupidity and passion. There was no one to stop us; there was no one who could. We ignored the rules and made our own. We stole kisses in the night, pretended they had never happened in the morning. We danced until our legs were bound to break. We crossed locked fences and forgot to sleep. There was laughter and tears; there was tears from the laughter. We held hands and shared hugs, thinking it would never end. We were crazy for youth, oblivious to reality. There was once a world for us, untouched and protected.

They tell us we have to move on. They tell us that we will find others who understand us. We are still stubborn and determined. We tell them we will hold on -- forever, even if it kills us. The memories and secrets shared are enough to keep us together. Somewhere along the way we stopped being friends and became a family. We're growing up, but our hearts are still young. The dreams that we're dreaming will be shared. Distance is a challenge but not a deal-breaker. There is still a certainty in the unknown, because no matter where life takes we know we'll still have each other.

They tell us nothing can stay this great. We tell them they're right -- because it can only get better.

If Forever Was a Place.

You told me we could stay here forever.

We're lying in the bed of your '69 rusty red Chevrolet, on top of the blankets you brought. To keep us warm, you said. You get on top of me, and still, I'm shaking. You bring your lips slowly and softly down to mine. We're lying in the bed of your pick-up truck. I know what happens next. Even though I've never done it before, I know. My chills disappear along with my clothes. Your touch is tender and vigorous all at once. I breath in deep the smell of sweat. I close my eyes and feel you. This is what it's like to make love.

You told me we could stay here forever.

We're lying in an oversized king sized bed in some fancy hotel I can't remember the name of. The most romantic honeymoon spot in Europe, you said. All that matters is that you're mine forever. I kiss you like its the first time. I know what happens next. You make me fall in love with you, again and again. We laugh and talk about where we'll be ten years from now. How many kids we'll have. A big house in the country. We've always been dreamers. You kiss me and tell me you love me. This is what it's like to belong.

You told me we could stay here forever.

We're lying on our living room floor, paint covering our clothes. New paint can't fill the emptiness, you said. The kids are gone. We're alone again. You reach over and grab my hand. I want us to be us again. I squeeze your hand. I know what happens next. We will find each other, the way we did in the beginning. We will rediscover things we don't even know we've forgotten. We've lost some of the spark but none of the love. I tell you I want excitement again. You tell me I can have whatever I want. This is what it's like to know someone.

I tell you I will stay here forever.

You're lying on a stark white hospital bed, where you've been for the last three months. I'm going to be fine, you said. We both knew that was a lie. Cancer is a word people can't take lightly these days. I sit by your bedside. I tell you a story about a boy and a girl in a red Chevrolet. I tell you they are young and in love. I tell you their love will last forever. I know what happens next. I lean down and kiss you for the last time. I hear you take your last breath. We will meet again, I say. The tears roll slowly and softly down my cheek. This is what it's like to lose your love.

Spelunking.

Here is where we find each other.
the forty-two acre landscape,
dotted by pine trees,
scarred from coals and
ash-covered tree branches
charred by campfires.
empty beer bottles hidden in the
overgrown grass, a shallow river
running over rocks.
behind there is the cave,
our private door to exploration.
there in the dark,
mud stains our clothes,
our inhibitions left at the door.
Here is where we find each other.
dust covered fingertips intertwine,
our lips lock - breathing in
musty air and the taste of saliva.
only sounds of singing birds,
wind circling through,
reaches our ears as
our tongues speak lullabies
to each other in silence.
out here - nature is our haven,
away from it all, we become one.
Here is where we find each other.

Was weeding through some of my old writing and I found this poem... November 2008

Fear Not.

Joshua 1:5-9 "No one will be able to oppose you successfully as long as you live. I will be with you as I was with Moses. I will never neglect you or abandon you. Be strong and courageous, because you will help these people take possession of the land I swore to give their ancestors. Only be strong and courageous, faithfully doing everything in the teachings that my servant Moses commanded you. Then you will succeed wherever you go. Never stop reciting these teachings. You must think about them night and day so that you will faithfully do everything written in them. Only then will you prosper and succeed. I have commanded you, 'Be strong and courageous! Don't tremble or be terrified; for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.'"

There is a battle that wages every day of our lives. It is not a battle between one country to the next. It is not the battle between you and your parents, you and your friends. It is not the battle to get up in the morning, to go to work, to be productive. This is a battle far greater than you and I will ever be able to understand. This is a battle of epic proportions. This is a battle between good and evil - and it's spiritual. This is a battle between our God and the lies of Satan and the world. And it happens every single day.

Every day you're alive Satan is fighting to take control of your heart -- to believe that what the world has to offer, what he has to offer, what you feel, is far greater than anything God could possibly ever give to you. Satan wants to deceive you. He wants to take every lie you believe, every fear, every doubt, every question and let them run your life. He wants your life. And he uses the your weak areas, the areas you're not willing to give to God, to gain precedence. He plays to our weaknesses. He gives us what we think we want. Turns out, we really don't know what we want at all. At least, not in the way we think we want it.

Every day you're alive, God stands at the front lines and battles the Prince of Darkness. Every day God showers us with blessings and the hope of His promises -- we just have to be willing to see them. He is fighting the battle for us, and all we have to do is trust that He's going to keep us alive. He will never let us down. He is strong when we're weak. He is loving when we're alone. He is faithful when we're not. He wants your life. And, if you let Him have it, He is going to win -- over and over and over again. He exceeds our expectations. He has nothing to prove, but He proves it anyway. He proves that He is love. He proves that He is faithful. He proves that He is strong. He proves that He has His hand in our lives, even if we don't believe it. He is the Author, and if you let Him hold the pen, He's going to make sure Satan is only a footnote in your redemption tale.

God uses Satan to point out the areas we need Him the most. And if we acknowledge that, we are simply set up with opportunities to see how God blesses us when we hand everything over to Him. There is a battle going on, but there is nothing you need to fear. All you have to do is call on God and He will be there. Be strong and courageous -- don't let the lies hinder you from seeing the Truth. Don't let the weight of the world disguise the beauty of our Savior. Don't let your emotions dictate your life, because they will lead you astray. Be strong and courageous -- believe in Him and what He says, for once He gives you a blessing it can never be taken away.

Find comfort in the word of the Lord -- meditate on it, day and night. Let Him be the focal point for every moment, every decision, every question. When He is at the center, you can trust that He will provide you with the wisdom and discernment you need to find the answer, to lean on Him and what He has to say, to follow where He leads. When He is at the center, no one will take your life, or any piece of it. When He is at the center, you will find that He actively intercedes according to His will because the fact of the matter is that He knows best and has a better ending than you could possibly envision for yourself.

The Greatest Fairy Tale.

"It is a world of magic and mystery, of deep darkness and flickering starlight. It is a world where terrible things happen and wonderful things too. It is a world where goodness is pitted against evil, love against hate, order against chaos, in a great struggle where often it is hard to be sure who belongs to which side because appearances are endlessly deceptive. Yet for all its confusion and wildness, it is a world where the battle goes ultimately to the good, who live happily ever after, and where in the long run everybody, good and evil alike becomes known by His true name... That is the fairy tale of the Gospel with, of course, one crucial difference from all other fairy tales, which is that the claim made for it is that it is true, that it not only happened once upon a time but has kept on happening ever since and is happening still." - Frederick Buechner

We grew up believing in fairy tales. As little girls, we submerged ourselves into the lives of characters like Bell, Ariel, and Cinderella. We grew up believing that love conquers all, that good triumphs over evil, and that someday our prince would come to sweep us off our feet. As little boys, we saw what it was like to be a true man -- to rescue the endangered princesses, to battle the villains, to risk our lives for a greater good. Girls had the desire for affection. Boys had the desire for adventure. We grew up believing in fairy tales -- believing that one day we would get to experience one of our own. The truth is that there is a fairy tale out there for every one of us. The lie is that it can be found within the world's definitions of love and sacrifice. We engage in battle every day -- the battle between adhering to the world's standards or drowning ourselves in a love unlike any other.

We all have a yearning inside of us. It is a yearning for intimacy, beauty, and adventure. It is a yearning for a fairy tale kind of romance. It is a desire for a story so grand, that no one can touch its magnificence, its magic, its appeal. We desire the kind of story that others long to have -- the kind that is told for generations to come. From early on in our lives, we look for it. We look for it in our relationships, in our successes, in our personal image. We look to it in moving to the right places, in going on certain trips, in engaging with strangers. Life is a mystery we are constantly trying to solve. We open doors waiting for the fairy tale to greet us on the other side. With every disappointment, we open another door, certain that this will be the one we've been waiting for. We all have a yearning, but chances are we have been looking in the wrong places to find our fairy tale.

If love is about sacrifice and caring for another more than yourself, than I would ask what is the greatest sacrifice that can be given? The answer is simple: your life. And there is only One who gave His life for everyone. God loved the world this way: He gave his only Son so that everyone who believes in him will not die but will have eternal life. There is no sacrifice greater than that. Which means, there is no love greater than that. It is a love that is given freely, without expecting anything in return. It is a love that never fades. It is a love that cannot be taken away. It is a love that conquers evil. It is a love that rescues us from darkness. It is a love that restores what has been lost. It is a perfect love that casts out all fear.

Does that sound like a fairy tale? It does to me, because it sounds too good to be true. And that's what fairy tales are made of right? Things we can't comprehend -- Magic. Power. Triumph. The difference between who God is and what all other fairy tales consist of is the Truth. Everything He is will always remain the same. Everything He promises will never be taken away. In this fairy tale, God is the storyteller, and He is writing the most beautiful of tales. And perhaps it is a bit of magic - we can't understand how it comes to be or comprehend why it exists, but we know its there. Because we see it, because we feel it, because it lives inside of us. God gives us all the things we've ever wanted.

He show us that love does conquer all -- His love conquers all. He triumphs over every evil. He rescues us every day. He brings us adventure. He equips us with the strength to battle the world. He gives us intimacy and comfort unlike any other. His love is greater than any other. When we call, He answers. When we fall, He picks us up. When we are weak, He is strong. He saves us - over and over and over again. He reassures us. He tells us that we are enough -- beautiful enough, strong enough, worthy of everything He wants to give us. His love is patient, and kind. It is not jealous, it is not boastful, it is not proud. His love is not rude or self-seeking. His love keeps no record of wrongs. His love does not delight in evil, but rejoices in the Truth. His love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. His love never comes to an end. His love is yours if you want it.

There is a beautiful fairy tale waiting for you. It is your own to have - a beautiful song orchestrated just for you, sweeter than anything you have ever heard. It is a fairy tale that will fulfill your deepest desires. It is a fairy tale that will satisfy the longings of your heart. It will quench everything you need. It will satisfy every hunger. It will fill you with a joy you've never before known. If you let God love you, the way He wants to love you, you will find you will experience love in other places as well. When we are full of God's love for us we are able to love others the way He loves us. The fairy tale can transform every part of your life. God's fairy tale can change who you are. God's fairy tale can give you a story others will long to be a part of.

We all grew up believing in fairy tales. But somewhere along the way we lost the magic we used to believe in. We gave up hope. We let go of our deepest wishes. We compromised for love. We settled for a safe adventure. Just because we get older doesn't mean the magic has to fade. In reality, it is time to let the magic grow. It is time for the fairy tale to be reignited within us. It is time for God to take control of our lives. It is only then that we will see good at the work of His hands. It is only then that our lives will be wrecked with a love so beautiful we can hardly believe it to be true. It is only then that we will find we have everything we could ever need. It is only then that the world loses the battle. It is only then that we believe we are enough -- because God is more than enough for us. He wants to give each and every one of us a fairy tale romance -- where good always wins and love always grows.

Psalm 103

Praise the Lord, my soul. Do not grow weary at the weight of life upon your shoulders. Do not hide yourself in the darkest places. You are not alone. You never have to be alone. Do not let the world entrap you with its lies. Do not wallow in the depths of the things you are missing. Instead, remember all the good He has done. There is a beautiful story waiting for you, if only you are willing to let go. Let go of every chain. Surrender it all to Him. Only then will His sacrifice be able to shine light into your dark places. Give up your life, and gain eternity. He forgives all your sins. He rescues your life from the pit. He crowns you with mercy and compassion. He fills your life with blessings so that you become young again like an eagle. Do you want to fly? Do you want to soar? Do you want to travel to unknown places and witness miracle? Do you want to be free? Then let the Lord in.

The Lord is compassionate, merciful, patient, and always ready to forgive. You are never without hope. You are never beyond redemption. You are never unworthy of love. You are never out of reach. The Lord is holding out His arms, simply waiting for you to come. He will wait as long as it takes. He is never far away. He looks to you like a Father looks at his child -- full of desire and promise, eager to protect, willing to aid you, to guide you. He wants to be your shelter. He wants to be your strength. He wants to be your source of fulfillment. He wants to give you comfort. Everything you've ever wanted can be yours. The emptiness can fade. The longing can subside. The brokenness can be healed. His compassion never ends. He will never let you go.

As high as the heaves are above the earth - that is how vast His mercy is toward those who fear Him. As far as the east is from the west - that is how far He has removed our rebellious acts from Himself. He covers you in His grace. He wipes away every sin. He dries every tear. Nothing is too great for Him to forgive. No pit is too deep for His rescue. Are you afraid - of not being good enough? Of not being deserving of His compassion? Of not having what it takes to be loved? Do not be afraid. He gives us everything simply because we choose Him, because He loved us first. Human life is as shot lived as grass. It blossoms like a flower in the field. When the wind blows over the flower, it disappears, and there is no longer any sign of it. Life on earth is short, but life with the Father is eternal. God is forever, as is His kingdom. If only we choose to follow Him.

His righteousness belongs... to those who are faithful to His promise, to those who remember to follow His guiding principles. His Kingdom is yours to be a part of if you choose Him. Surrender all, and gain eternity. Listen to His teachings. Seek counsel from His followers. Learn to walk with Him in everything that you do. Make your life a living sacrifice to His glory. You will never regret it. For God safeguards the steps of His faithful ones. He blesses those who put Him at the center of their lives. He will shower you will blessings you could never imagine. He will wreck your life, and put it back together -- to show you that He can make the broken things beautiful again. He will restore you. He will renew you. He will fill your heart with overflowing joy. Give it all over to Him and you will gain everything.

Praise the Lord, my soul. I have seen the light and am not turning back. I have been consumed with an unfathomable love. I have been restored by grace. I have been made new again. I have been covered by a mercy I don't deserve. I have experienced blessing upon blessing. I have been filled with joy. I have surrendered my earthly life. I have obeyed a King to inherit a Kingdom. I have fallen on my face, only to be picked back up again. Praise the Lord, my soul. I am not alone. I have a friend, and His name is Jesus. He has called me as His own.

Peace Be With You.

John 14:27 "I'm leaving you peace. I'm giving you my peace. I don't give you the kind of peace that the world gives. So don't be troubled or cowardly."

I walk toward a vast ocean - overwhelmed by the incomprehensible landscape. There is nothing but blue-green. The waves are crashing against the shore. The water dips and rolls -- hiding and taking away the things I will never know or never see. It is ominous and peaceful all once. I get lost in the beauty of a seeming forever, wondering what is on the other side. How deep is this ocean? I want to explore its hidden caverns and meet its extraordinary creatures. I want to be a part of this world. Ariel longed to walk on land, and I long to drown in the sea. I walk toward a vast ocean -- wanting to dive in, but instead, stand hesitantly on the shoreline.

I let the water brush against my toes. I am surprised at how cool and refreshing it feels. I step a little further, venture a little farther. I let the water rise to my calves. I close my eyes and take it all in. The water has seen distant shorelines. The water has evaporated and come again. The water is a part of a greater plan that I cannot understand. Water keeps people alive. Why should I be scared of it? With my eyes still closed, I let the water reach my waist. The temperature is taking over my body. I can barely feel anymore. I am numb to the world around me. All that matters is the water. I take a deep breath. I stop thinking. I dive in.

How often do we let the looming unknown dictate our willingness to dive in? Just because we can't see the bottom or the opposing shoreline doesn't mean we won't make it through the exploration. We must be willing to have faith. We must be willing to jump even without knowing where we will fall. For, God is the water. He holds secrets and avenues waiting to be explored, waiting to be discovered. We only come to know them when we allow ourselves to drown in His presence. Take the step to be a part of His world. There are people you have yet to meet. Miracles you have yet to see. Opportunities you have yet to discover. And they're all there - in the water - the water of life.

It's a process. Finding the courage to get in - all the way in. We get cold feet, we're scared of the way it feels, because we are no longer in control. But that's the beautiful thing about it. We don't have to be in control. By choosing to dive in, we surrender control to the One who knows a plan far greater than anything we could ever imagine. We cannot swim on our own, but through God, we are giving the strength to reach shores we never even knew existed. This is the only time where drowning is a good thing - an eternal thing. When we choose to drown ourselves in the Holy Spirit, it is only then that we can truly live. There will be dangers and trials - times when we feel like giving up. But God will remain faithful. We must let go of the world we know and surrender ourselves to the Truth, the Life, the Way.

I walk toward a vast ocean. I have been here before. I remember the way the sand felt on my toes, the warmth of its caress. I want to stay here but I know I must continue on. The warmth will fade, and the sand will blow away, but the water will continue to come in and out with the tide. I step in and remember its refreshment. It chills me to the bone. I want more. I walk forward, letting my body become immersed. I am unsure where I will find the strength to continue on, but I know that I must. Water gives life, and I am searching for the only life that matters. The only life that has ever mattered - life in the Holy Spirit.

I want to be immersed in His love and everlasting faithfulness. I want to surrender the comfortable for the unknown. I want to swim freely in His promises. I will only find strength when I lose myself. And so, I dive in.

A Quick Update.

Dear Friends,
Perhaps you have been wondering where I've been. Perhaps not. Either way, I am here to give you a quick update on my life. I have missed you all greatly! I have been wanting to blog so bad. My computer crashed two weeks ago, however, so I have not had the means by which to do so. I have not forgotten about you. Just the only time I am near a computer is when I am engrossed in the library - working on schoolwork. I graduate in less than two weeks. Life is insane. I have checked out mentally from school, yet still have tons to accomplish. I barely have time to write for fun, and when I do, it is stolen moments in my journal during classes. I am ready for life to slow down, for summer to come, and to reconnect with all of you find people and your lovely blogs. I have not only been a bad blogger lately; I have been a bad follower. I apologize.

In terms of my future, I thought I had it all figured out. Isn't that the way it works? You have your life the way you think you want it and then your whole world turns upside down. God has been rocking my world lately - placing people and situations in my path that have made me stop and question what it is I really do want. More accurately, what it is that He wants for me. I was planning on going home this summer. I had even started packing last week. And in a matter of days, I felt like God was pulling on my heart. It's still up in the air but it is looking as if I may be spending a few more months in Colorado - starting with the summer. I will keep you updated. But as someone recently told me, even staying here can be a new chapter if that is God's plan - spiritually as well as socially.

I am trying to trust completely. To push my desires and hesitations aside and trust that God will provide a means to stay if this is where He wants me. For we all know - He knows what is best and His plans are far greater than anything we could ever imagine. Falling on my knees, I am offering Him my future. I will be waiting patiently to see where He leads me. Graduation is a huge step in its own right, and its scary not knowing what to do next. Our entire lives are founded on the principle of school - its all we know and then, one day, it all ends. Some people know for sure what that next step is, others of us may spend several years trying to figure it out. All I know is that its a step of faith. I may not know, but God always does - He always will.

I hope to be back to my regular postings sooner than later. Until then, be blessed. Be encouraged. Have faith in God's greater plan. Don't give up hope. Pray without ceasing. Trust, even when you're unsure what it is you're trusting Him to do. God will supply all your needs, according to His purpose and His glory.

Love you all.

Words of Hope.

"God wants us just as we are - no pretense. He can handle our emotions and our doubts. He wants a real relationship." - Ginny L. Yttrup, Words

Is it possible for a book to find you? I stopped by Borders Thursday because the one here where I live is going out of business. I pick up the book Words by Ginny L. Yttrup simply becasue of the title and the picture on the cover. Then I flipped it over, and the first sentence read: "I collect words." I recently wrote the exact same sentence in a story I am writing for my fiction class. I know its a simple sentence, and not highly original, but it caught my attention just the same. On further reading, I discovered the story sounded not only intriguing but it was founded on the foundation of Jesus Christ - this was a story of hope. Naturally, I bought it. Still, I was unprepared for what awaited me amongst the pages.

The book deals with sexual abuse, in the form of a little girl. If that's not heartbreaking, I don't know what it is. But its the way the story pans out - how she is rescued, not only by a young woman, but also by the love of Jesus. And how, she in turn also rescues the young woman as the young woman puts her trust in God in order to help the little girl. It tells the Truth without being overbearing. Its a novel with undertones of God's hope, love, and redemption. It's been awhile since I've read a book that I couldn't put down. Partly because I rarely have time for reading anymore, and also because I just haven't been hooked by a book in awhile. I started Words last night. I finished it this morning. I feel touched, prodded, and renewed. I continue to be amazed at the ways God speaks to me when I need it most. How someone else's story can help me with my own. How the words of fiction can bring me to a place of seeking the Truth - the truth of God's word.

Romans 8:23b - 25 says this: "We groan as we wait for our adoption, the freeing of our bodies, from sin. We were saved with this hope in mind. If we hope for something we already see, it's not really hope. Who hopes for what can be seen? But if we hope for what we don't see, we eagerly wait for it with perserverance." Verses 26 - 28 also spoke to me this morning, but I want to share my heart with you, especially in terms of the first verse. We are all waiting to be loved, to be taken in, to find a home. God calls us as His children. We are adopted into His kingdom, not because of who we are, but because of who He is. He holds the keys to freedom. From anything! No sin is too big, too dark, too painful, for God to wash away. That's something I constantly have to remind myself of. God gives me hope, even if I can't understand why. I don't know what my future will hold, but I know that it can be full of freedom through Jesus Christ. He makes all things new again.

When our hearts are captivated by His love, the desire for sin and the strength of its power begins to lessen. He can take any story and turn it around. You don't have to be ashamed, or afraid, of telling the truth. He already knows. He sees you and He loves you just the same. He loves me, in spite of where I've been and who I've been. He uses little things to grab my attention, to grab your attention. Listen to the Truth. Delight in His word. Run to Him. I am in awe of who He is and the way He continues to grab my heart. My prayer is that you allow Him to do the same. I promise you won't regret it. Nothing is greater than freedom in the Father. I apologize if my thought process is jumbled or unclear, all I can say is I found a book that opened my heart, but more than that, I am falling deeper and deeper into a love relationship with God. A relationship that is full of surprises, full of hope. I can't wait to see where He leads me next! I will end with this prayer.

I will run to You - the friend for the sinners. The Savior of my soul. Thank you for not giving up on me, even when I start to give up on myself. I will run to You - the Truth. I will lose myself in the arms of Your faithfulness, the embrace of Your goodness. I will run to You - away from all the lies. I want to be wanted. You have always wanted me. Even before I knew you. I will run to you - the one who created me, the One who gives me life. You will reign, now and forever. I want to worship You for all of eternity. So, I will run to You - the One who gives me hope in the darkest moments.

Comes to Me in Waves (Things Keeping Me Awake)

A young boy plays with his big sister on the sidewalk outside my workplace. The concrete is their playground, the park bench their stage. They climb atop to save the world, to save each other. He looks up to her with anticipation, following her lead. I remember when you used to look at me that way. I used to be your protector. I used to hold the answers in my hands. You were too young to know any better, and I was too young to know things would ever change. If we could rewind time, I'd go back to bike rides and sledding, I'd go back to make-believe worlds and lemonade stands, I'd go back to being best friends. A brother and sister play outside my workplace as I try to remember our last conversation.

I own a Scrabble board that lies untouched, sitting in the space beneath my bed. The ones I enounter here are unwilling to share in the enjoyment I used to find. No one understands its pleasure the way you used to. I stare at the closed box and remember you. I long to once again sit at your kitchen enjoying tea and cookies, conversation and laughter. The Scrabble board was merely a device in the relationship we shared, but it brought us memories that I will never forget. Memories that hold me together and tear me apart. You were always up for a game - even in your last months. I'd be willing to lose again to have you with me. I lost more than a Scrabble buddy when you passed away - I lost an Aunt, a mentor, and a friend. I own a Scrabble board that lies untouched, because no one will ever fill your shoes.

A man I barely know sits next to me twice a week. A man I barely know asks me how I'm doing and I believe he means it. A man I barely know offers a Bible verse in response to my expressed stress. It takes all the composure I can muster not to cry. For, I remember when you were a boy I barely knew. A boy who reached out to me with words of encouragement. A boy who gave me a shoulder to cry. A boy who cared how I was even when I didn't care in myself. A man I barely know reminds me of all the things I miss -- waking to random encouragements, heartfelt conversations about God and life, a smile I could count on. I am intrigued by a man I barely know and heartbroken by the boy I used to know. Sometimes things slip away even when we're not ready to let go.

This One Is For the Girls.

Tell her something true when all she’s known are lies. Tell her God loves her. Tell her about forgiveness. Tell her about the possibility of freedom. Tell her she was made to dance in white dresses. All these things are true.

To Every Woman --

There is a world out there that wants us to believe we are not enough, that we will never be enough: Lose weight. Dye your hair. Wear these clothes. Have a boyfriend. Be sexy. Put out. Fit in, but be unique. Be confident. Be enough. Be wanted. Read Cosmo, because obviously articles like Double Your Hotness and 10 Romantic Moves That Guys Actually Dig will provide you with the tools to finding to significance, to finding love, to becoming the "real you." Believe lies. Settle for less. Don't be an individual, be like everyone else. Take what you can get. There is a world out there that wants to diminish who you were born to be. There is a world out there threatening to steal your heart. Wake up. Pay attention.

Don't you know you're beautiful? You are enough; you have always been enough. Your clothes do not define you. The way you look does not qualify or disqualify you for love. Confidence is not dependant upon how others see you but how you see yourself. Not everyone is going to want you. Not everyone is going to accept you for who you are. But guess what? Those people don't matter. Because if they can't see the beautiful woman that you are - inside and out - then they're not worth your time. Be who you are. Be proud of who you are. Be beautiful -- the way you always have been. Believe it.

Don't you know you deserve respect? Realize what you're worth. Realize that that is the absolute best. Stop believing the lies. Sex can't fulfill you. Physical affection will not sustain you. Temporary satisfaction will not complete you. It's a fact that everyone needs affection and most all desire to be loved, but don't settle for less. If you want more than sex, wait for it. Be patient. If you don't want to be used, don't be. You have the power. You deserve more. You are a treasure -- allow yourself to be treated like one. Know that you are worth a commitment. If he can't give you that, stop believing it's enough. Demand more. You were made to find it. You were made to be treated like a princess. Disney fairytales may not exist, but that doesn't mean a real man doesn't. A man who will respect you, who will love you, who will want to spend the rest of his life with you. Believe you deserve more.

It's time for the truth. It's time to stop conforming and start living as the woman you were created to be. You were made with a purpose. Stop being afraid. Don't let your past define who you are. Today is a new day -- go after what you want. Believe in yourself. Be happy with who you are. And, if you're not happy, do something about it. Make a change. Let God help you make that change. Above all, listen to His truth, for He says that you were fearfully and wonderfully made. He says that you're beautiful, that you are enough. He will give you all the affection you will ever need. He will fulfill you with patience, with hope, with direction. He has wanted you from the moment you were created, and He will always want you - today, tomorrow, forever.

Don't you know you're loved? Dance in the freedom of God's grace. Bask in the glory of His promise. Drown in the ocean of His love. There could never be a more beautiful you. Stop listening to the world. Stop conforming to lies. Stop believing you need to do more. Stop searching. Stop pretending you're okay. Stop settling for less. Start demanding more. Believe in the Truth, and He shall set you free.

God loves you. I love you. Start loving yourself.

Wade with the Lord.

Psalms 119: 116-117 "Help me God, as you promised, so that I may live. Do not turn my hope into disappointment. Hold me, and I will be safe, and I will always respect your laws."

How often do we feel we are fighting a battle we will never win? How often do we grow weary? How often do we fail to put faith in our Father? How many times do we wade through the trials of this life without asking for help? It is time to face the truth. We are all wading through deep waters. We all have high mountains that we have to climb. We all come across deep valleys that must be walk through. Life is not an easy journey. But that doesn't mean we have to lose hope. God has called us into His arms. He has gone to prepare a place for us. And, here on this earth, we can still find a home in His presence. He has given us the ultimate sacrifice and all He asks from us is that we keep trying -- keep pressing on, to seek Him, to know Him, to believe in Him. If we continue to put our faith in Jesus, then we will soon discover that the waters start to shallow, the mountains turn into hills, and the valleys begin to plateau. Trials can break us, but they can always strengthen us. Often they do both, forcing us to our knees in order that God can help us up again -- with renewed purpose and hope. We are all on a journey. None of us have to travel it alone. God loves you. God wants to protect you. God is fighting the battle with you, for you.

Be encouraged. May you all have a blessed week.

The Four Seasons

We were young lovers dancing in the shade of spring. A blanket was our only stage, our skin the only costume needed -- we played parts we'd never known. You made me feel like a princess. You made me believe in fairytales again. We danced into forever. You led me to undiscovered places, and I was safe there.

We were scattered popsicle sticks on a summer day. It was an indulgence enjoyed, then soon forgotten -- the remnants fleeing fast from my tongue. You used to be my favorite flavor. You were the treat I had waited for, but you didn't last. I remember needing your sweetness. I close my eyes and taste you again. Your breath is cool against the heat.

We were fallen leaves in the autumn breeze. You scattered the only love I ever knew, the only colors I ever wanted to keep. I thought a heart could be crushed, not crunched -- little by little, piece by piece, every step another pain, another tear. The wind picks up and I lose you as the remnants of my heart disappear.

I am the bird that no longer sings in winter's song. You broke the part of me that wanted you. I have forgotten what joy sounds like. I have forgotten what love feels like. I have forgotten how to sing. You took my melody, and so I will fly on in hopes of finding my own. I will search for a harmony as I leave your haunting chords behind.

We were young. We were flavor. We are dead. I am free.

You Were

"Dreams: the place most of us get what we need." - Amy Hempel

At night, I sleep with emptiness --
my fingers reach for your ghost and
I drift into memories of your touch.
The bare side of the bed stays cold.

I used to fall asleep in nakedness,
next to you. I used to be warm
with your body heat, flesh on flesh.
Only fabric layers cover me now.

You're still the one I want to call,
when my world comes crashing down
when I'm shivering inside my skin.
I dial your number and hang up.

I used to look to who you were, and
it's easier to stop missing you now
knowing that you have changed. But
I fear I'll always love you the same.

Loneliness lingers -- I fall asleep with
tears and empty hands, I reach for
memories of what could have been.
Now we speak only in my dreams.

A Look Inside.

My journal is my safe-haven. It is a place where nothing has to make sense and the most personal of things are purged. My journal is my therapy session. My journal is my prayer zone.

I know I have been slacking on the blogging front, so I thought I would mix it up and let you all take a step inside my journal to the more sporadic and random ramblings of my thoughts. :)



“A notebook can be a clearing in the forest of your life, a place where you can be alone and content as you play with outrage and wonder, details and gossip, language and dreams, plots and subplots, perceptions and small epiphanies.” - Ralph Fletcher


Give me the little things. Always the little things. A small child with a heart for love. A smile from a stranger. Someone asking, really asking, if I'm okay. A free latte from a friend. A beautiful day in March - the feeling of summer rushes over me and I'm lost again in feelings of the year that has passed. A random CD is plucked and placed, and with it comes the chords I once loved. The lyrics bring me back. I am lost again in a reminiscent kind of joy. I travel back to the way things were. I feel the love spring up again.

Are feelings concrete or are they just ideas, facades of what we wish in our heart of hearts?

I continue to wonder where dreams come from. It is the little things. People that pop up in my unconscious moments and leave me guessing the rest of the real day. Why do they show up when I think I have forgotten? I wake to a marriage. I feel a stolen kiss on my lips. I fight for love, and I win. Is the reality of my dreams truer than the reality of my conscious? If I am still fighting in my dreams, does that mean I have yet to let go? I go to bed unable to stop thinking of one man, and wake to find I have dreamed of someone completely different. Do I simply want just to want? A little thing called love. I block it out and somehow it enters in again.

There are little things that make me think. Friends turned into lovers, lovers turned into friends. Random conversations. Random texts. A beautiful breeze. A song on the radio. Coincidences... if God makes everything happen for a reason, than are the dreams I remember worth reflecting upon? Are there words that still need to be said? These are the little things that clog my mind. They infiltrate my thoughts and leave me questioning what I know.

I want to write. I want to process. I want it all to make sense. Will it all ever make sense? I know it does on some level but am I recognizing the signs to hear and see what God has planned out for me?

There are all kinds of little things. A free meal. A random act of kindness. A closed door. An open window. A phone call from a friend. A verse of hope. There is no such thing as a coincidence. God places us in moments and situations for His glory, for His purpose. How many times do I brush off the little things that exist to point me towards Him?

There is a desire inside me. I have been feeling it all day. I want courage. I want to follow that feeling in truth, in humility, in full obedience. I shall not be ashamed of my Father and what He does in and through me. Give me the little things. The little voice that speaks when I need it most.

Oh, God, your little things are so BIG!

A Beautiful Somewhere.

"You know that place between sleep and awake; that place where you can still remember dreaming? That's where I will always love you. That's where I'll be waiting." -- Peter Pan

I often trick myself into believing I've forgotten about you, that I've forgotten to care. I make it through entire days without one recollection. I tell stories and none of them involve you. I get sad for other reasons. I smile in spite of your absence. I feel beautiful without your affirmation. I make it through entire days being who I am without you. Happiness is no longer fleeting and joy has become a choice I choose. A person should never control your emotions, one way or the other, and finally I'm reaching a place where your power is starting to fade. Avoidance helps but fulfillment helps more. I pour myself into other people and priorities. I focus on what I love, and I forget I ever loved you. One day you will be just a memory. A single bead on a string of people who used to mean something -- one of the ones who promised me more than they could give. I will think back to you with fond memories, but I will not dwell on what we were, because it wasn't special enough to last. I no longer remember our meet-cute, and someday soon I will not remember our demise.

I wonder if you will ever miss me. I wonder if it will happen when I've stopped missing you. For I have dealt with what was lost but I'm afraid you have yet to see what you're missing. There used to be a world full of possibilities on our doorstep. We once had a chance to gamble on love. In a moment of the past we were unbreakable. I wonder if you will ever see it for what it was. I wonder if you will ever fully realize what could have been. You were always full of promise. You were always stronger than I thought I would ever be. But now I'm the one picking up the pieces, while you're off on a brand new adventure. I wonder if you will ever miss me, but I'm afraid you've already forgotten who I was and what I meant to you. You used to love me. You used to say it too. But now those words are lost in the wind.

I can handle the daytime, but it is the night that still holds me captive. It is the darkness that brings me back to you. The late night chats we no longer have. The sleepless nights spent thinking of you. The music that used to calm now only tears at my sanity. You have ruined the most beautiful of songs. I can't listen to my iPod without catching too many glimpses of who we used to be together. I think of deleting you from my life - too many social networks and not enough places to hide. I see reminders without asking for them. You are off making girls feel special; the internet cruelly reminds me I am no longer one of them. There are snapshots of your life, and I am just another outsider looking in. The night finds me and I realize I have not escaped yet.

But then there are the dreams. When my body has found rest and my mind has found peace. That is where I find you. That is where we're whole again. We're back to before, when time stood still and life made sense. When you promised to always be there - when you actually meant it. In my dreams, you hold me like you used to. In my dreams, we laugh without knowing why. I find you on a summer's day. I crouch next to you in the snow. A song we both know so well plays on your stereo, and I sing at the top of my lungs. We waste hours away simply for the company. We lose sleep for the conversation. I see you smile, and I hear your voice. In my dreams, you are what you always were.

I don't have to forget. I don't have to miss you. I simply say, "I love you." Because I do, and, in my dreams, I can.

He is for you.

"Don't bear trouble, use it. Take whatever happens - justice or injustice, pleasure and pain, compliment and criticism. Take it up into the purpose of your life and make something out of it. Turn it into a testimony."

There will always be people in this world who are for you and people who are against you. There will be people who start off as your friends and who will turn into your enemies. In the same way, you will find that some of your enemies turn into the best of friends. People change and people surprise you. When I was in middle school I had a friend. We swore up and down to our parents that we were going to be "best friends forever." We were going to live next to each other. And be in each others weddings. And have kids at the same time. Nothing was going to tear us apart... I can't remember the last time I hung out with her. We both grew up and went separate directions. And I will always love her but you can't count on people to be there "forever." Because people drift apart, no matter how much you wish it wouldn't happen - it does. But there is someone you can count on.

God will always be your friend - your best friend, forever and ever. And unlike people, God will always be for you. He has your best interests at heart. He is holding you in His arms. He is walking by your side. He has a purpose and a plan. In the depths of the darkness that you face, know that God is fighting for you. All you have to do is choose to fight with Him. Choose God. And I assure you that you will find peace in whatever situation that comes your way. Even if you don't have the answers, you will find calm in the journey. Because you're not alone.

I had a small breakdown this past weekend. And by small, I mean quite large. I couldn't stop crying. I didn't want to get out of bed. In an apartment with two other people, I felt alone. I was upset with God. I didn't understand how being here could be so great for my faith and so trying. And what I mean by that is this -- Transferring to Colorado was a God thing. Completely. And since I have been here I have grown closer to God than I could have ever imagined. I have experienced highs and lows but through it all I have seen Him come closer to me. I have learned more about who He is and who I am through Him. I feel spiritually fed at church. But on the other hand, I feel like my spiritual growth has taken place completely on my own. I don't have friends here that I can run to when my world is falling apart. I don't have friends here where I can share the deepest and scariest parts of my faith - the places I'm not proud of, my weaknesses, the moments I want to hide from the world. My roommates and I started a Bible Study this semester and yet I feel like our relationship is so superficial. I feel that there is no depth. So how do you balance that? The blessings with the loneliness. The promise with the suffering. The answers with the questions.

I skipped my classes Monday and Tuesday and I went home. I needed encouragement. I needed family. I needed a hug. I needed comfort. I needed someone to reassure me. I needed someone to come alongside me and reitterate the promises of God. My mother and father stepped in and were there when I needed to know I wasn't alone. They gave me an outlet. But they also encouraged me in regards the One who has never let me go. I am never alone. Even when I am at school and I feel like I have no one to turn to -- I have Jesus. He is listening. He is always listening.

I have been listening to a sermon series from Mars Hill Church on Philippians entitled "The Rebel's Guide to Joy." Today I listened to the third one in the series, "Joy in Suffering." And the main thing I took away from it is this: There is going to be suffering in life. To live is to suffer. But you have a choice, will you suffer in a way that is purposeful or purposeless? God wants to use my feelings of inadequacy. He wants to use my loneliness. He wants to be there when I'm crying. He also doesn't want any of that to be in vain. God can work in and through me. I believe that with all my heart. He has been teaching me so much lately, even in the past few days, and I competely believe that as long I continue to give Him everything He will guide me through it all... Have faith. Have hope. Keep fighting to live a life beside the One who has already saved you.

Thanks and Things.

First thing first! Many THANKS to Catepillar at Musings and Confessions of a Wandering Mind for bestowing me with the Stylish Blogger Award. I would be lying if I said that people reading and enjoying my blog isn't one of the things that make me smile brightest. :) I love this blogging forum and all the wonderful people and words it brings to my attention! We all have things to say and it is great to hear and to be heard. Thank you so much Catepillar for being an awesome blogging buddy. For the rest of you, I encourage you to click the link listed above.

And now, from what I have gathered, in the acceptance of this award I must tell you seven THINGS about myself. Oh boy oh boy. I never know what to say but I will do my best!

1. My significance is found through Jesus Christ. I have nothing and I am nothing without God. I am who I am because of what God has done in me and through me. I still have a lot to learn, but, thankfully, God is a very patient teacher. I am excited to see my life unfold according to His perfect plan. In light of all the questions, I have hope that He knows better than I will ever imagine.
2. I love tuna. I probably eat tuna at least three times a week. This is a problem. Tuna has a lot of mercury. I have known for awhile that you can't eat tuna when you're pregnant but I was told by my doctor this weekend that you can't even have tuna a year before you want to get pregnant. Note: I don't plan on getting pregnant anytime soon, but I feel like it will take more than a year to cleanse all the mercury from my body.... I want to have children someday. I just love tuna.
3. I wish I had more time to do all the things I like to do "for fun." Some call them hobbies or interests. I wish I had whole days to devote to each one. Scrapbooking. Taking pictures. Playing guitar. Painting. Playing piano. Reading. I want to do these things and so much more! Like rock climbing... I actually am taking a class this semester to guarantee it gets done. Pathetic.
4. The only kind of sheets I own and the only kind of sheets I sleep in (obviously) are Jersey Sheets. If you haven't tried them, go buy yourself a set. It's like sleeping in your favorite worn t-shirt... Comfortable and comforting. I also prefer it extremely cold when I sleep. I like burying myself under blankets.
5. I love journals without lines. The last journal I had was the first journal I had without lines and I fell in love. I enjoy the freedom of blank pages. Those pages are my canvas and my words are my paint. Color the world the way you want. Make your own lines.
6. I have absolutely no idea what I am going to do when I graduate (in two months). And I am completely okay with that. The world pushes you in a direction your entire life and requires you to follow in a series of steps. I think it's worth taking time to figure out what you really want -- where your heart lies, where God wants you. This is a time for independence, and I'm going to embrace it.
7. I hate washing dishes. When I was in high school, our dishwasher broke. My mother was one who found washing dishes "relaxing" so she didn't bother to get it fixed for a couple years. My brother and I became the new dishwashers. I think I have resented it ever since. Plus, I think its gross -- especially like greasy pans with all that food stuck to it that won't come off. Yuck. Give me any other chore and I will be happy to oblige. Leave the dishes to the real dishwasher. You know, the one that comes with a start button.

Scatter This.

You said you needed my words like I needed your kiss. But your lips stay locked. I drink hot chocolate as night makes its way into morning. Its soothing silk taste is the only richness in my life these days. I drink it to remember. I drink it to forget. I drink it to satisfy. Nothing ever works the way it used to. Not even the stopwatch you gave me for my birthday last year. It lies on my bedside table, occasionally beeping at the wrong times. It is broken but I can't let it go. I am hoping someday it will fix itself; the way I hope you fix what was never broken.

You said you needed my body like I needed your honesty. I lay untouched in the sheets we used to sleep in, waiting to hear your words of wisdom break the silence. Maybe I wasn't as beautiful as you made me feel. Maybe I was just another girl to screw but I miss making love as much as I miss every other part of you.

I drowned in your truth and surfaced swimming in your lies. You were the sunrise I had never seen, and now there is only empty sky. Time is full of promise but devoid of color. I miss your baby blues peering into the secrets I had never shared. I am unsure what hurts more - knowing I let you have it all or knowing you never valued my treasures.

You said you loved my smile, but I don't smile much these days.

I have to believe you were what you seemed. It is too hard to face who you turned out to be. And perhaps it is my fault for loving you too quickly, for having faith in you when you barely had faith in yourself. I put you on a pedastol and you buried yourself in the ground. You walked away without giving us a real chance. You said you needed me like I needed you. But you needed a girl and I needed a man. You were just a boy, hanging around needing too much.

There are things I will miss for the rest of time, like your body against mine, and the way we defied constraints and time. You were my caffeine. You were my adrenaline. You were my substitute for sleep. I will always miss our carelessness and the love we shared. I will miss the way you made me feel, the way you looked at me. I will miss learning from you.

You were the one who was broken. I am sorry I couldn't fix you.
But now it is time for me to grow up. Something you may never do.

To Making It Count.

"I got everything I need right here with me. I got air in my lungs, a few blank sheets of paper. I mean, I love waking up in the morning not knowing what's gonna happen or, who I'm gonna meet, where I'm gonna wind up... I figure life's a gift and I don't intend on wasting it. You don't know what hand you're gonna get dealt next. You learn to take life as it comes at you... to make each day count." -- Jack, Titanic

Titanic is on ABC Family. Am I watching it? Guilty. I am not sure why I don't own it on DVD, considering it is one of my favorite movies of all time. But since I do only have the VCR version and I no longer own a VCR... I'm taking advantage of a moment to fall in love all over again. Like I do every time. One of the greatest movie love stories of all time. Makes me want to fall in love myself... Alas. This is not an entry about love. This is not even an entry about Titanic. This is an entry about life. Say what you will about the movie, but I think Jack holds some truth in the quote. Truth that is worth considering and remembering.

Every morning I wake up is a gift given to me by God. Every moment I breathe is a gift from God. The simple fact that I am living is a gift. And how many times do I forget that? How many times do I take that for granted? I tend to see life in a series of steps. Today -- relax, run, do homework, talk to the ones I love. Tomorrow -- go to school. Next weekend -- work. Next month -- Spring break. 3 months from now -- graduation. Life is a series of steps. And how many times do we simply float through life until we reach the next one? Is not what we do in-between each change a matter of importance in itself? You never know what tomorrow has to bring.

I have been hiding from life and from God lately. Mostly, because I'm scared. I'm scared of the future. I'm scared of real life. I'm scared I will get to the end of this step in my life and realize I'm inadequate, not worthy of continuing on, devoid of direction. My dad told me tonight that I'm avoiding the concept of graduation. I didn't respond, because he is right. Graduation seems to mean needing a plan. Picking a path. Deciding my future. And, I'm not ready. And truth be told, that's okay. As long as I am wholeheartedly seeking God in the process. But I have been scared of that too. I think I'm afraid of where He is going to lead me. Of what He is going to show. Of what doors He is going to close and open. I know He has the answers, but I haven't wanted to hear them.

But the truth of the matter is that God is the only one who knows what tomorrow brings. Life is a series of questions. God is the answer. I don't want to waste my days by not following Him. I don't want to spend my life being afraid. Take life as it comes at you. Make each day count. And do it by following God. More than that, do it by serving God. Know that life is not meant to be easy. But take comfort in knowing that it wasn't easy for Jesus either.

Jesus Christ suffered, so will you, so will I. Jesus Christ was betrayed by the ones He loved. The same will happen to us. Jesus Christ had bad days. So will we. Jesus Christ experienced pain. He experienced sadness. He experienced feeling alone in this world. To follow Jesus, we must recognize that we will experience similar hardships. But that we also behold the same promises... We are not alone. We will never be alone. Joy comes with humility - to humble ourselves before the Father so that we may experience Him the way He intended. With honesty. With truth. With grace. With mercy. With faith.

Turning over my fear to God is a day by day choice, a choice that I sometimes choose not to make. But believe me when I say surrender is the best choice there is. Those are the days I make it count. Those are the moments I see the gift for what it is. I don't know what is going to happen next. I don't know where my life is going to go from here. But, looking to my Father for direction, I can take steps without being afraid.

An Old Dirt Road.

1 Samuel 2:9 - "The Lord safeguards the steps of His faithful ones, but wicked people are silenced in darkness, because humans cannot succeed by their own strength."

This road is worn and long, dirt and dust drift upwards as my shoes kick their way between steps. I am moving slowly today, taking my time down this beaten path. I kick rocks, the way I used to do when I was a child. Kick and follow. Kick and follow. Kick and move on. Walking is more than just a way to get from one place to another, it becomes a game of give and take. If you walk alone, who or what will you encounter along the way? I see fields of yellow and the sky is blue but nowhere do I see You. Barbed-fire fences form a never-ending line on either side of me, separting me from the fields that stretch their way across the plains.

I stop for a moment and imagine I am Laura Ingalls Wilder from Little House on the Prairie, skipping across the fields back to home where people love me. In the places I will never see are the things I have always wished to know. There are the depths of my imagination. There are the desires of my soul.

I long to sit for awhile and wait for something to happen, for someone to come along and walk with me. I long to sit and rest, reflect on who I am. Sometimes it all looks the same and I find I've traveled miles without really noticing anything at all. I skip through life trying to find where I belong. I rush past the familiar in search of what I have yet to know. Life seems thrilling when you're constantly being surprised. But I often wonder what it would be like to have some sense of security. To stop waiting for surprises and to simply have a little faith that it was all going to work out in the end.

I walk down this road alone waiting to find You again. The skyline is dark blue, haunted by clouds waiting to rain down drops of destruction. There is only field and no shelter. I wonder where I will hide when it hits. I see another rock and imagine it is a treasure. I imagine it holds the answer. Kneeling to the ground, I pick it up. Its surface is scratched and its color has faded. Perhaps it was once bright red, but the earth has dulled its shine. Now it blends in with all the rest, no longer subject to recognition. Maybe it used to be beautiful but I will never know. Just like I will never know what I used to be. I walk down this road and I forget where I've been.

I was once told what could make me alive again. I remember hearing about love, a love that never ends. When I was little I believed I could be new again. Perhaps it was because I wasn't so tainted then. It was easier to imagine I was worth forgiving. Now it's hard to understand why anyone would want to find me. I am as dirty as this path, worn and used by those who gave me promises they could never keep. I have been stepped on, dulled down, and kicked around. Kick and follow. Kick and follow. Kick and move on. Never learning, always hoping that one day it would be different.

My feet seem to move on their own, comfortable within familiar shoes. I look down and walk on, no longer paying attention to what lies ahead. There is nothing to see. No one to find. I look down and wait for the path to end. I am sick of dust and dirt and hurt. I look down and walk slowly through life. I look down and try to find some strength to continue on. Perhaps I will die here on this road, looking down at the ground.

I remember something I learned when I was a child. I'm skipping across sidewalks and the skyline is bright with color against the setting sun. I am carefree and my shoes are clean. The world has not yet reached me or corrupted my open heart. I remember something. I remember and I look up.

I stop walking. I look up. I'm not alone. You found me.

A Conversation with God

"Sometimes it gets so dark, and I get scared," she said.
"My child, you never have to be scared again," He said.
"I don't see how. I can't see where I'm going," she said.
"I am the light of the world. I can light your path," He said.
"Why would you do that?" she said.
"Because I created you. Because I love you. Because I want you to be mine," He said.
"That's not true. No one wants me. No one loves me. I make a lot of mistakes. I'll let you down. I'll disappoint you," she said.
"I will love you anyways," He said.
"Why would you do that?" she said.
"Because you're worth it," He said.
"What if I lose you? What if I can't find you?" she said.
"You will never lose me," He said. "All you have to do is call to me, and I will be there. I will never leave you or forsake you."
"I'm afraid," she said.
"Don't be afraid. I am with you and I will rescue you," He said.
"What about all this stuff I have? My past. My regret. My pride. My shame. My guilt. My anger. My sadness. My weakness. It's too much to bring," she said.
"You don't have to hold onto it anymore," He said. "Let me make you new again."
"I am broken," she said.
"Let me heal you," He said.
"I am tired," she said.
"Let me carry you," He said.
"How do I live?" she said.
"Live in my love," He said.
"How?" she said.
"Surrender to me. I am the way, the truth, and the life," He said.
"Will you take it all? Will you help me up again? Will you show me how?" she said.
"I will walk beside you. I will give you a new heart and a new spirit," He said.
"How?" she said.
"Because I died for you. Your debt has been paid in full," He said.
"I still don't understand. Why?" she said.
"Because you are my daughter. Let me be your Father," He said.