Scatter This.

You said you needed my words like I needed your kiss. But your lips stay locked. I drink hot chocolate as night makes its way into morning. Its soothing silk taste is the only richness in my life these days. I drink it to remember. I drink it to forget. I drink it to satisfy. Nothing ever works the way it used to. Not even the stopwatch you gave me for my birthday last year. It lies on my bedside table, occasionally beeping at the wrong times. It is broken but I can't let it go. I am hoping someday it will fix itself; the way I hope you fix what was never broken.

You said you needed my body like I needed your honesty. I lay untouched in the sheets we used to sleep in, waiting to hear your words of wisdom break the silence. Maybe I wasn't as beautiful as you made me feel. Maybe I was just another girl to screw but I miss making love as much as I miss every other part of you.

I drowned in your truth and surfaced swimming in your lies. You were the sunrise I had never seen, and now there is only empty sky. Time is full of promise but devoid of color. I miss your baby blues peering into the secrets I had never shared. I am unsure what hurts more - knowing I let you have it all or knowing you never valued my treasures.

You said you loved my smile, but I don't smile much these days.

I have to believe you were what you seemed. It is too hard to face who you turned out to be. And perhaps it is my fault for loving you too quickly, for having faith in you when you barely had faith in yourself. I put you on a pedastol and you buried yourself in the ground. You walked away without giving us a real chance. You said you needed me like I needed you. But you needed a girl and I needed a man. You were just a boy, hanging around needing too much.

There are things I will miss for the rest of time, like your body against mine, and the way we defied constraints and time. You were my caffeine. You were my adrenaline. You were my substitute for sleep. I will always miss our carelessness and the love we shared. I will miss the way you made me feel, the way you looked at me. I will miss learning from you.

You were the one who was broken. I am sorry I couldn't fix you.
But now it is time for me to grow up. Something you may never do.