christmas without you

its not christmas without you.

i don't know why i made cut-out cookies by myself. i guess its because i know you would want me to... doesn't mean it was easy. i put on the oldies like you always did. i sang along. and i thought of you. its crazy to think that just a year ago we did that together. standing in your kitchen baking them together like we always had. every christmas i remember has you in it. you know - i was thinking back to last year. and i knew things weren't perfect... and you weren't doing your best - but i can't remember whether or not the thought of that being our last christmas together really ever crossed my mind. i don't think i wanted to even think about that as a possibility. i was always praying for a miracle you know? i was always hoping you would just get better. but you didn't...

i've listened to silent night about four times these past few weeks. whether it was on the radio. on the movie i was watching. or part of a holiday concert. i've cried 3 out of the 4 times. you loved that song so much - and i always loved how you got out all your christmas music boxes around this time - and how each one of them played that song. yes, silent night reminds me of you. sometimes i smile. sometimes i cry. or sometimes i do both. i don't know if you could call them happy tears during those instances - cuz honestly thinking about how you're gone doesn't make me happy. but thinking about you - and all the memories i have of you does.

its not christmas without you.

i think one of the things i miss most is how much joy you brought to my life, and everyone around you. there was just something about you being around that made me happy no matter what kind of day i was having. you were a light. and you still are...

silent night. holy night.
all is calm... all is bright.

you will forever be a light inside me. its so hard without you. i miss you every day. but i thank God for the difference you made while you were on this earth. i, for one, will never let go of that.

Auntie Karen - this is gonna be our first christmas without you. and its not going to be the same. its never going to be the same again... but i will always carry a part of you with me. through little things like hearing silent night. and making christmas cut-out cookies. and thinking about christmas trivia (even though we played that year round - carols and songs right? :D) i love you. i miss you. and i'll never stop doing either of those things. 'cept for that day i get to see you again - than i guess i won't ever have to miss you again huh? thanks for all the memories. thanks for making such an impression to remind me you're always with me in one way or another. merry christmas auntie karen. i'm thinking about you...

change is a choice

he always talked about how he had lost her. how it had been out of his control. she had stopped calling. she had stopped returning his phone calls. after awhile... she wouldn't pick up his calls. thanksgiving and christmas vacations would come and go - he would see her at the occasional party but she never let him get close. she always found a reason to leave. something to occupy her attention so that he could not interrupt. yes he lost her. sometimes, no matter how hard you hold on. how bad you want something. its just not possible. people change. and there is nothing you can do to stop it.

she felt suffocated. weighed down by the constant nagging voice. it was her life. the decisions she was making were hers to have. who was to tell her different? she couldn't take it. the criticism. the guilt. the voice on the other end of the phone telling her she was wrong. that she was making a lot of mistakes. that she was headed the wrong direction. it had to stop. the friendship that was hurting more than helping. she needed someone to lean on - not someone trying to hold her back. it hurt more than anyone will ever know. to end something that once meant so much is never easy. no matter if its the right thing or not. change is hard. but its a part of life. and so - she let go.

people are criticized for going from relationship to relationship. but maybe it was something he needed. the touch of a woman. someone to call his. a girl who was more than a friend. dating was something he did for himself. despite everyone else's opinions, he went for who he thought would make him happy. time after time. and when one ended - he was always back looking soon after. and you can't help but wonder - when will it stop? when will he finally find the girl who will never leave him. the relationship that will never end. when will the girl in his life stop changing. when... will he find what he is looking for?

she is ready. and she is waiting for her moment. she has given up on prince charming. a knight in shining armor. all that jazz. she just wants someone who loves her. who treasures her more than anything. she's not asking for anything fancy. simplicity and sincerity are fine. she just wants to hear she is beautiful. someone who will hold her for hours - and never want to let go. a man who is honest. kind. tender-hearted. with eyes that sparkle. and a smile that is contagious. a sense of humor. she is ready for a man who will be her best friend. someone who knows how to communicate. and who will listen. a man who loves God. and who was designed just for her. someone who fits. she still has some waiting to do - but she is willing. and when the day comes - that will be a change she will always be grateful for.

sometimes people change. and sometimes they don't. making a change in life is a choice. people can always change - its not a matter of "can". its a matter of "will". and sometimes its easier to stay the same. but if you really want something, and if you're willing to take a risk - you could find that change could be the best thing that ever happened to you.

but like i said. its your choice.

here's to the little things

people are always waiting for something big to happen. in the midst of the chaos they want something huge to change. people seem to think that just one major difference will make things better. everyone waits for that big moment. it rarely ever comes. instead i am going to make a case for the little things. for me, its the little things that make my day better. its the little things that make me smile. its the little things - that keep me going.

so i want to say thank you - for the little things. for the random text message saying simply "i love you" or "i'm thinking about you" or "hope you have a good day!" for the kind words over a phone call, or rather - the phone call itself. we all want to be thought of. someone simply picking up the phone to say "hi" means more than you will ever know. aww the little things. thank you for encouraging words. for simple phrases that make a difference. whether they are heard, or whether they are written between an online conversation (they mean the world to me).

the little things in life - well i guess you could say they save me. they let me know that i'm not alone. for it seems that God uses things like that in the times you need it the most. when you feel like your alone thats when He steps in and lets someone touch your life. through other people, He lets you know He is still there. Of course, He never really leaves - but sometimes we just need a little reminder. thats what little things are - reminders of God's love. His goodness. for He cares about each and every one of us, and He loves us unconditionally.

i would like to thank each and every one of you who have shared with me "little things". while they were simple and easy to do - they are in fact part of a lot bigger picture. maybe, little things aren't as little as you think. for in the end, they make a BIG difference.

re-run

it was just another day. and this was just another moment. one of those hold your breath and stare moments... the kind they put in movies to get you to pay attention. to tell you that this is important. this is a make or break situation, and you have no control over what the outcome will be. all you can do is watch. watch her as she gets into her car and pull out of the driveway. the tears are streaming down her face... but there is nothing you can do. your chance to speak has passed. those small seconds you had to make her hurt lessen are gone. she is driving away and you have no idea where she is going...

[god damn i hate him. everyone thinks he is so nice. so caring. and yet he is just like every other guy... how could i be so stupid? because i always fall for the charm. i am one of those people who are optimistic enough to say that this one is gonna be different. this time i am going to be the girl who walks away with him holding my hand. this time it won't end with tears... i have been hurt enough in the past, surely it won't happen again. it just can't. oh but it did. fuck. i just want to scream. expose my heart and yell at him - at all of them. for all the times i have spent putting myself back together, and still seeing the scars, day after day... never being able to forget. when will my time come? this scene is getting old. i want a new episode. something that hasn't been done before. oh please god...]

somewhere between the moment she got in her car (she began to realize that life is full of re-runs. people take comfort in seeing them because at least they know how they will end. and what can be done afterwards. we keep watching them over and over again until something new airs that grabs our attention. sometimes it takes a long time to find something that has the same grasp on you. and so the problem lies in how patient you are. how long you are willing to wait. she was crying. the tears rolling down her face. she just didn't know how much more she could take... oh!) and the crash.

suddenly the pain stopped. everything stopped. the car stopped upside down in the ditch. the car that saw her cross the intersection and get hit by the oncoming car stopped. the car that had hit her - spun and stopped. a woman in her mid-fifties got out of the damaged vehicle. a young man got out of the other. they both ran to her car. tried to see if she was okay. she wasn't moving. her eyes were closed and hands drooped lifelessly down. she hung suspended from her seatbelt. the woman got on her cell phone.


and the young man - began to cry.

rollercoaster

here it goes again. the never-ending rollercoaster. slowly it is moving up, higher and higher. please just get it over with. the anticipation is too much to bear. everyone knows it is coming. the drop. the fall. the tears accompained by no explanation. the edge is getting closer. eyes tightly shut... just do it already. oh stop. scared again. these feelings will never come easily. and when they end, the rollercoaster will again have a rider. that one faithful rider who lives for the drop. without the fall - who would they be?

she lets them pick her up and do as they please. slowly they move further... getting more and move involved. she lives for the antcipation. the nights beside the phone wondering when he will call. she knows what that call means. when it comes she becomes nervous, like she has never done this before. yet the whole world could tell you she is quite experienced.

and so it begins. first with a hello and a smile. the tv or soft music plays in the background. they begin to flirt until he makes his move. the move he know will be greeted with a responding gesture. that first kiss always makes the rollercoaster start rolling. her mind whirls with anticipation as their tongues touch and their mouths engage in this familiar, yet new experience. for each one is different, and each time is exciting. after a few moments, his hands will move to her breasts. she does not show any signs of resistance. she does not play hard to get. in fact she waits for more. oh please. more. don't stop now.

that moment when she feels the top button of her jeans release is when she knows. its coming. they are started to move faster. hurry. keep going. and they always do. why stop when farther is an option? people never stop wanting more. a little is never good enough. there always has to be a push for that next step. one more mile. something bigger. and once that goal is achieved, there is no going back.

and so she gets on. again and again. riding the rollercoaster. she lives for the anticipation. the climax. the pleasure. the thrill of something familiar yet unique and new each time. they all eagerly let her climb aboard. she is beautiful. she is willing. she is available - no strings attached. yes, she will fall. she will cry. but that is something they will never know. something irrelevant... because no matter how much it leaves her feeling empty. she just can't stop riding.

stand still

she stood there. waiting for him to say something. to tell her it was going to be okay. that there was something more than what had just happened. she needed him to say something. but the words just never came. they seem to never come. more than moments, she has waited hours. weeks. months. years. to hear the words she needs to hear. why don't they ever come?

she is broken and confused. walking away from him the tears stream down her cheeks. oh this pain is all too familiar. yet with every experience it seems to hurt more than the last. tearing into her soul and breaking apart all prior progress. the battle once again lost she has been defeated. she has given in and surrendered... gave away all she had been fighting for. oh the pain she knows too well. its not like she doesn't know it is coming. it always does. afterwards, it never fails to hit her - knocking the wind out of her.

she is standing still. willing for something extraordinary to happen. hoping that someone or something will come along and then it will stop. oh please - just stop. the teasing. the tempting. the false promises and the people who are not what they seem. she is surrounded by fog. in the midst of the dark she is without a light. so she does not move. if she stays, maybe eventually - someone will come. she is praying. she is hoping. and she is crying.

oh God, save her.

hidden idenity

he was her best friend. the guy who had been there for the past four years of her life. through thick and thin. what had started as an initial attraction had turned into something deeper. she had trusted him with everything. no matter how long it had been since the last time they had talked, she always knew she could call him if there was no where else to turn. if she asked, he would come - ready to help in any way he could. even if that just meant a listening ear and a caring hug. she had always wondered if there was something more - but throughout the years there had always been other guys who had attracted her attention. guys he seemed to never like or approve of. she never seemed to pay attention. all she knew was that he was still always there, whether or not she was attached to someone else.

one night amongst a chaos of unexplainable hurt, and drunken actions - he was there. there to hold her as she once again poured out her heart. and for the first time - there was something more than friendship in the situation. four years later, they shared their first kiss. both affected by alcohol she played it off as not a big deal and willed for it to never happen again. she was happy that he had been there on that night, but she felt awkward about what had happened, and wished they had just continued going the way they always had. she sweared that was the beginning and the end.

yet what fun are mistakes unless they are made again? mistakes are never learned the first time. they should be... but it is unlikely. and so fast-forward a few months and there they were again. three nights of pure physical interaction. nothing big, nothing she hadn't done before... in fact less than she had done before... but it was intense. and it felt wrong. she knew she had to get out. she knew that it would never work. and so she ended it. amidst tears and confusion... she walked away. best decision of her life. for only after did she began to see him for who he really was.

that trustworthy guy she knew - compulsive liar. not thinking twice about hurting someone. constantly changing his story. getting caught every time. lucky enough to have friends who knew him as well she began to learn the truth. he had never been who she thought he was. and thats what hurts someone the most - realizing that something thought to be worth so much effort, was actually never worth it at all. in the end, it would have been better to never get involved in the first place, because the pain and hurt that comes with the final blow is unlike any ever imagined or possible. but how would she have ever known that? she had invested emotions into that friendship. and now thinking about him makes her sick. every message she sees on facebook that she ignores makes her cringe. she can't stand to think of the kisses she gave him because thinking of it makes her sick to her stomach. to be able to see into people before you get to know them would save a person a lot of heartache. but then how would people learn to trust?

taking chances. giving away pieces of yourself. its scary. it could end in tragedy. but its a chance that has to be taken... or else fear would run our lives. and we would never get anywhere.

college life

high school is told to be the time of your life. maybe its because when you're in high school you are still allowed to be "young" and completely unaware of the real world and all sense of responsibility. your house, the bed you sleep in, the food you eat - costs you nothing. your parents are in a sense employed to supply for your every need. you have problems, but they pass. yes, high school was a good time - filled with care-free nights, and homework that rarely ever took longer than 10 minutes. basketball games, dances, picnics, surrounded by familiar faces - if you didn't know them, you at least probably recognized them.

there is a world filled with experiences that are almost all completely brand-new. no longer do you go from your home to school but rather your school is your home. the mattress that makes up your bed has been previously slept on - it is not really your own. your room is no longer a private space - it is shared with someone you most likely have just met. you rarely ever see a familiar face in the first stages of this new life. and still after time, it is a ray of light to see someone you recognize. oh and wait, here comes a big one - you are completley on your own. stop. not a little bit. not for some things. you are completely, 100% responsible for everything. you want to go out on a wednesday night but you have homework? hmm. well mom isn't there to say you can't. you can if you want. you can blow off as much school as you want, and no body is going to care. your professors do not know you. you know in high school you would play games so you and the teacher could learn everyone's names? yea that doesn't happen anymore. professors are there to teach, not to get personal. if you miss a day of class they will not come up to you when you return and tell you what you missed or ask where you have been. you are responsible for figuring it out on your own. and you know all those people you "left behind"? well they are still part of your life, and they still mean something to you. but they are somewhere else and you have no control or part in anything that happens where they are. surprising things will happen and you will have no idea until they tell you - and once they tell you, you are still alone on your own dealing with it - unable to have any say in it.

welcome to college. where life could be a constant party and no one would ever have to know - because no one is here to care. you are here to shape the rest of your entire life. sound simple? nah i didn't think so. your future is at stake and it is left in your hands. you can rely completely on your opinion and impulses and see how well it turns out. but thats a lot of decisions to make on your own free will. but are you willing to put in the effort it takes to get involved in the right kind of things? are you willing to make your spiritual walk an important part of your life? your parents, the friends who were there to encourage you aren't there anymore to hold you accountable - are you going to be strong enough to stay on the right path. or will frustration get the best of you?

college is an amazing experience. don't take what has been said above the wrong way. you finally have the opportunity to find out who you are without any previous "ties" influencing your life. you can choose who you want to hang out with, and what you want to do. the options are endless and the choice - well its yours to make. be careful though - its a lot of power. test it out carefully, and use it a little at a time until you know what you can do with it - and where that power can lead to. remember this is more than just another chapter in life - it is the rising action. it is going to shape you to who you are going to become.

hurt/pain

why is it that the things that hurt us the most are the things we hold on to harder than the rest? the experiences that have brought us to our knees, brought us to bottom, the ones we wish would dissapear from our minds... why are they the ones that we always remember? it seems like the times that have brought us pain are the ones we can remember perfectly, moment by moment. we seem to replay them in our minds... as if some unseen aspect will jump out at us and suddenly we will understand why things happened that way. as if, by thinking about it over and over we will be able to find the answer we have been searching for since the instance it happened.

yet it drives us crazy. we just want to be able to let it go, but thinking about it makes us holder on harder than ever. being able to remember the pain, makes it stay real. and keeping it real, makes us stay alive. in order to live, we have to be able to experience all sorts of emotions. happiness, sadness, frustration, joy, pain, hurt... and a lot of things can make us smile. even if its only for an instant. a friendly wave, the sun in the sky, laughter from a friend... happiness will always come back around, but pain makes us feel something more.

pain is not something that happens for an instance; it is something that stays with us long after the moment has past. it impacts us in a way that all other feelings can't. it is different. it causes us to self-reflect and analyze our lives, focus on our decisions, and where we went wrong. pain is why people change, why they give up, or why they get stronger. the hurt ignites something in us that makes us burn. and it sucks... but we can't let it go.

and since it will always be a part of us, the real question boils down to how we will deal with it. it's okay to keep it close to you, but only if you are letting it make you a better person. if you are taking that hurt and remembering how much you don't want to feel it again... once is enough. or at least that is the hope. we've all heard the saying, keep your friends close and your enemies closer... well how about, keep happiness near, but pain right by your side. don't let it eat you alive, for that is not the purpose. but let it propel you forward. let it be a constant reminder of a time you wish to never relive. and let that be the fuel that changes you into a better, wiser person.

second best

life is constant struggle of trying to achieve what we "want", or think we want. and when we don't grasp it, we are often found settling for second best. which leaves still yearning for the thing we wanted in the first place. why do we let ourselves get caught up in temporary satisfaction? in circumstances that bring a smile to our faces for a few minutes, hours even... but afterwards leave us feeling somewhat empty and alone.

because even if it only is temporary -- in those moments, we feel what we want to feel. we are loved. we are needed. we experience that touch we have been longing for. we experience a connection or an experience that brings us joy. we are happy. we are on top of the world. we are in a place we have only dreamed of being... on the outside we are satisfied. we appear content. but inside we are screaming. for something better... for the things we know that we deserve. for the dreams and hopes that our hearts desire.

i have a desire for one person. for the one person i am meant to be with. the one that God has out there for me somewhere... for that one guy who will love me unconditionally - faults and all. the one that i will love back with all my heart. someday i will give my entire self to him... i am waiting for it. i am waiting for what my heart desires most...

yet along the way i have settled for "second best" more than once. i have given pieces of myself away to this guy, and that guy. and for what? to quench my sexual desires? yes. to "feel something" even if it was only temporary? yes. to feel wanted? yes. but in the end... all i have felt is used. alone and used. and as time has passed it has desenitized me to a lot of things i once held dear to me - for after a few times, something doesn't seem as special as it was in the first place, and so you let it happen again. also i slowly have lost my hope of finding anyone who is different, who isn't like all the rest. someone who won't just take a piece of me and leave.

life is a constant struggle. i make mistakes. i give in. and sometimes i give up... and let myself slide to the bottom. and let me tell you, climbing back up is hard, its painful, and sometimes its a lonely journey. but keep your eyes up, and stay focused. for above that mountain is a joy that i can only hope to experience. and God's love and His forgiveness will help you to get there. keep climbing, its worth it.

invisible

creeping where it is not expected…
hidden behind that trusting face, those loving hands. behind words filled with hope, and a soft spoken voice… it lurks.
teasing from within a clear glass bottle, whispering of so much promised fun, it threatens to break down and destroy.
from the computer during the late hours of the night, alone and wanting, it comes after those who give in where they are weak. to things that lead to destruction.
within the mind thoughts start to form. impure. lustful. desiring. leading nowhere but towards pain, and hurt. for those thoughts direct to nothing but harm.
anger builds up over time until it explodes, injuring anything that is in its path. tearing apart the innocent and caring, it has no mercy.

there is no one who is safe. and there is nowhere to hide…
it is like a lion creeping in the shadows after its prey. watching. waiting. patiently hiding until that moment. the moment where it leaps out, taking its victim from behind, leaving it barely any chance to escape or survive.
it is that one person giving enough good reasons to keep on pushing the limits. making excuses over and over. for after all how bad could it be? the boundaries keep moving farther back to make room for compromise. yet in this situation, compromise should be feared.
it is that small voice inside thats called your conscience – that you choose to ignore. to leave behind for something better, more enjoyable… even if it is temporary and fleeting. when we feel like we need “something more”… we neglect all prior red flags to find it.


catching us when we least expect it. coming from behind in our weakest moments. threatening to destroy at every opportunity. willing for us to fail.



SIN.

life changes

"everyone says that there are three words that when said to you, will change your life completely. and in my case this is totally true. three words that i never would have thought i would be hearing. no i'm not talking about some sappy teenage love story; as much as i wish i was. i'm talking about my aunt; the three words that changed her life, my life, and the lives of everyone around us, forever. "she has cancer""

when i feel like i am living a normal life, and that i have accepted the ways things are, and that i am in control of my emotions and the way the subject of my aunt karen makes me feel... something happens to remind me things will never be the same. my mom recently called to tell me that she doesn't want to be home for thanksgiving... the only thing i had been looking forward to lately. i'm struggling a little here trying to find places and people that provide me with the kind of encouragement i need... and coming home was like a light at the end of the tunnel.
but she doesn't want to be home for the first thanksgiving without my aunt. we all always spent thanksgiving together. me, mom, dad, brother, aunt, uncle, grandpa, and grandma. and it was always at our house. karen and danny always made the pumpkin pies from scratch. they were amazing. two old-fashioned kind (with lots of spices) and two regular flavored. i'm really gonna miss that... it will never be the same and i totally understand why my mom is struggling with staying home right now. thanksgivings, christmas's, birthdays... summer nights where we used to spend playing cards, picking raspberrys... will never be the same again. and each next reminder, seems harder than the last. and with it come the tears.
i hung up with my mom and spent a good half an hour of more bawling. each time i thought the tears were ending they just fell harder and harder. you might realize how much a person means to you when they are in your lives, but you realize it a hundred times more when they're gone. suddenly you see how much they impacted your life in so many little ways, and how that absence makes things so hard.

every day i miss her. i look at my tattoo and think about her kindness, her smile, her laughter, her gentle hands, her comforting hugs, her jokes... i go to a store and something reminds me of her. i drive down the street and see two ladies walking and think of her and my mom and how they used to walk together all the time. i have to skip over the pages in my scrapbook most days otherwise the tears come. i read the bible and think of how much she loved the lord. i went to a lutheran service tonite... i used to go to church with her on occasion and the service reminded me of those times. i will never stop thinking about her. i will always carry a part of her with me. always and always. until i see her again someday... she will continue to impact my life. her spirit lives on and the kindness she brought to everyone will never be forgotten.

seven months and seven days you have been gone... and the hurt is a lot of the times still as fresh as all those months before you passed (nights i fell asleep crying, as we watched you slowly slip away) and the weeks after. you left a huge hole in my heart when you left. but i am thankful for all the memories i shared with you over the years, and as time goes on i will continue to play them over and over in my head and smile. thank for being such an amazing, caring, loving person. and such a great influence in my life. i know you are watching over me, and all of those you love right now... and i know you're having an amazing time in heaven worshipping the one you love the most. i miss you, but i'm glad you're in a better place with no more pain. i love you auntie karen, and i always will.

anybody

how do we reach the point of no return?
to that place that feels like every decision is wrong. the point where it seems people stop caring and you're left alone. where we can't even find the voice we should be listening for because we've ignored it for so long. it feels like we're running but we look back and we're exactly where we started. lost. confused. searching. hoping. here i am again. i feel like i'm always in this spot. pathetically stuck. i always lose my composure. my control. and who is there?

is anybody out there hearing me ???

searching again

i think back to last year and i recognize the time in my life when i was closer to God, when I was making better decisions, when i had no desire to drink... no desire to just "hook-up" with guys... when i was actually trying to make my life what i wanted it to be. trying to be the person i liked being. when my freinds came along side of me and helped me along the way... holding me as i cried, encouraging me, lifting me up, loving me even when i screwed up. i was so close. so close to having an awesome relationship with God (i was getting there...) i could see it within my grasp... it was new, and the personal relationship was something i had never experienced, but i was starting to get it. i was happier. and then my world came crashing down, and i tried to hold on... but it was so hard... and i let go. i became silent. nothing mattered. i didn't care if i messed up. (i might have felt somewhat guilty knowing i was letting people down, letting myself down...) but it didn't matter anymore. nothing did. i'm not saying it was all bad. but the progress i had made decreased.

(idk if i'm making any sense right now but i'm trying to put the puzzle pieces together and its a little difficult, so i apologize if this is confusing. cuz its confusing to me as well... )

right now. i want to find my way back. and i don't know how to do that on my own.
i have a lot of faults. i'm very emotional. i let myself break down a lot... too much. (i don't know how to hold it together.) i care about what other people think. i have a hard time opening up to people when i know they don't see things the same way i do. (i feel like they're judging me). i lean on people to help me too much. way too much. (i apologize...sometimes i just feel so helpless and i don't know what else to do) i like to have fun. i still drink. i still make-out with guys who don't really matter. and i still beat myself up over it. funny huh? you know the things that make you upset, and make you feel worthless... and yet, you still do them. why? why do we do things that hurt us? temporary satifaction i think. we would rather have what we're looking for in the wrong way then not have it at all. lame. i have my moments. i have the times where i stand strong, and the times where i let my guard down. will i ever always be able to make the right choice? i would like to think so, but i can't make any promises. (been there. done that.) i let little things bother me. (like when someone doesn't call me back, or when a comment rubs me the wrong way)

i know what needs to change. but i'm unsure, or somewhat unwilling, to do it. i feel like there should be able to be a happy medium. honestly, drinking isn't really one of my personal convictions - its what i do when i drink that makes me dislike it at times. so what do i do? i love my friends that are close to me to death. but it bothers me that they're not on the same page i am on a lot of things. which leaves me in moments like this. in my room alone, crying out to God, searching my bible for something to help, singing to the worship songs on my computer... totally not a bad thing to happen, but i wish i could just be like; hey. i'm kinda struggling right now, i could really use some pray or some encouragement. but thats not how things are with them. and so i feel alone. today God kinda gave me something though.

Psalm 119 - (REALLY LONG) i think i'm gonna try doing one or two sections a day so i can get something out of it. so today verses 1 - 16. and this is what i got.

*5: i pray that my ways may become firmly established so that i can obey your laws
*7: i will give thanks to you as i learn your regulations
*9 -10: How can a young person keep his life pure? He can do it by holding on to your word, by wholeheartedly searching for you.

How can I keep my life pure?
- growing closer to God
- making the "right" choices (choices i am okay with, choices i will not regret)
- relying on HIM for help always (i will never be able to fully grasp why things happen - why my aunt died, why i get myself in certain situations, how i can live life the way i want to, how i can be the person i should be... without HIM)
- letting go of my past (pause - one more fault. i constantly re-think and get upset over things that have already happened, things i can't change.)

well idk how much progress this has caused me, but i feel a lot better, and lot more refreshed right now. i guess i just gotta keep holding on to God, and seraching for his promises to figure out what everything is all about.

cuz there's this great guy out there... whose name is Jesus. He loves me, and i'm a big fan of love. so i'd kinda like to get to know Him a lot better. i'm thinking it'll be one of those relationships that'll work out for me. and thats something i'm more than okay with.

what else is there?

i crash at the most unexpected times. i will be having a great time, and then like a flick of a switch all happiness is gone and its all i can do to keep from crying. will this ever stop happening to me? when does it get easier? i believe that time does not heal wounds. they will never be healed. perhaps they will be covered up... or hidden. or the hurt might subside for awhile, but they never heal. because when a wound heals it means you are as healthy as you were before... and that, will never be the case. it is more than a wound... it is a scar. a constant reminder of what used to be, and what will never be the same. i know i am complaining, and being selfish. in actuality i am glad that she is in a better place and that God's loving arms are wrapped around her. but then there are these days; and i want nothing more than to hear her voice and to feel her arms around me. i miss her more than i could have ever imagined... i want her back. so here i am again... wishing for the impossible. and trying to praise God through the rain. trying to continue to understand, Why? and realize that His will and timing is perfect. i have to keep saying it over and over again... otherwise all i do is get upset. its just the harder thing i have experienced. and sometimes... i suck at handling it. sorry. and i let little things bother me. things that make no difference to who i am, or what i stand for. yet it still bothers me. and then i feel pathetic and i have to keep it to myself, because telling someone would seem lame, especially when the only people i might consider telling have no idea what i'm going through. and where is my life heading? sometimes i think i can see it clearly, and then something happens and i have no clue what i'm doing, or where i'm going. maybe i'm going the wrong direction... i really am trying to stay on the right track... but sometimes, i just don't seem to make the right choices. i am setting myself up for failure and dissapointment? i don't know. i honestly don't know. all i know, is that right now... in this moment. i am hurting. and searching for something. i feel like those who really understood me and who helped me in the area i needed it most... are millions of miles away. and that they don't really care anymore. i know its different when people aren't around anymore, but sometimes i just wish i could get a text or a call saying: hey, i really just wanted to tell you how much you mean to me, and i just wanted to see if you were having a good day. i just want to know i still matter... even if i'm not there anymore.

does anybody here me? here i am Lord, trying and failing. walking down a path, falling, and getting back up. and all i need right now is a little help. anyone... just a word or two.

"she is running, a hundred miles an hour... in the wrong direction"

brand new pathway

tentative feet walk down brand new hallways. strange faces pass to the left and right. familiarity has gone out the window and a new exciting feeling has taken its place. no longer is the walk to class filled with familiar greetings. life has begun a new pathway and emotions are exhilarated.
the friends are not on the same page. that does not mean they are loved any less but comfortableness between them is weaker. being the only virgin in a group of friends makes a girl feel alone, worried, and a little pressured. is that all guys are going to expect from here on out? is there still hope someone worthwhile will cross the path or is this a long road alone?
questions without answers occupy the mind as the feet continue to keep moving towards its destination. yet where is that exactly? only time will tell and maybe gradually the sky will begin to be less cloudy. the rain still comes. the sunshine still leaves. and the wind still blows. weather is unpredictable. and so is this girl. the end of her pathway is far away... she's just trying to make it there. step by step. day by day. question after question.

things never happen the way we expect. things always change and the unexpected always occurs. the unknown is what keeps us going... because there is always that hope, that maybe, tomorrow... our dreams will come true.

me as a girl

i am not the girl who will come hook up with you at two o'clock in the morning. i am not here to be used only when you feel the need to have some fun. i am not easy. i do not just kiss any guy that feels he wants to kiss me at any moment. i do care. despite the fact that i have made mistakes in the past... i do value myself and the choices i make.
i am not the girl who doesn't care. i care a lot... if only people who give me a chance to listen.
i am not the girl who begs to have her heart broken time and time again. i do not have a sign on my head that says, please take my heart and step on it. thanks! yet my past would suggest otherwise and no one yet has wanted to break that stereotype... i'm still waiting.
i am not a huge partier. yes, i have drank on occasion... but that does not mean i am a bad person. that just means i am one way... while someone might be a different way. its not something that defines me, in fact i live perfectly great without it. but bottom line: if it happens... it happens. end of story. end of discussion.
i am the girl who doesn't even understand herself...
i have the ability to play things off like i am not surprised and take them as best i can. inside i may be screaming with anger and confusion... but i like to pretend i can stay calm. even if it ends up failing miserably in the end.
i cry a lot. over big things, over little things. for some people, there are very few who have seen them cry... for me. the numbers are large. if you know me somewhat well... i'm sure you have seen my tears.
i want to find that one guy. the one who knows how to calm me down. the one that makes me cry less. the one who loves me for me... past, present... and will always love me in the future. i want to be "the girl" to someone.
i pretend i don't care what people think... but inside i do sometimes.
i like to write forever. i write until i get it all out... no matter what time it is. no matter if i have to work 6 hours from now, and its the early hours of the morning. i have to let it out... or else sleep is pointless.
i'm like to be lazy every once in a while. stay in my pajamas all day and curl up with a good book and watch tv. drink some coffee and just do nothing.
yes... i am the girl who loves coffee. who, in fact more accurately, is addicted to coffee.
i am the girl who doesn't understand why friends hurt you. why they abandon you at times when you need them the most... and why they leave you to put together the pieces with no picture to follow.
i think to be a christian is to love people no matter where they're at. i know i don't always succeed at that aspect, but i for sure try really hard because i know how bad it hurts to have people walk away when you do something they don't understand.

i am just a girl
i have been hurt... time and time again. and it keeps coming.
i love to laugh. i love to spend time with my friends. i love feeling happy and content.
if you want to know who i am... just spend time with me. don't listen to what he said, or she said... because chances are its not entirely that way. the only way you get to know someone is by spending time with them...

i am just a girl. get to know me.

we will laugh together someday...

somewhere along the way i lost who i was and became someone i can't seem to find. after the words cancer left their lips and up until this very moment... i have been changing. funny thing is... i don't know how it happened. obviously i recognize the evident reasons... but i don't know who i am anymore. lately my car has become my refuge. or is that the right word? because it seems that whenever i start driving i feel the urge to cry. more often than not... i have been doing just that. the tears are not few, and the sobs that accompany them are not quiet. the tears seem to roll down my cheeks and i sob loudly. i cannot stop. it just happens. i keep playing over all the memories in my head. of everything i can possibly remember. sometimes i laugh, and smile. other times i just cry harder. and then... i ask you why? why God, would you take away someone who meant so much to everyone? why God, WHY! i dont' know how to explain it... but no matter how good i think i'm doing: i'm really not the same person anymore. i don't know who i am, and i don't know what to do. i am a girl. confused, hurt, and yet most of the time very happy. i have fun, i laugh, but lately... i just cry. i knew the tears would come again. i just don't know how to make them stop. i write. and i write. and i keep writing. i think this is a way of dealing with it.. but i don't know how much its helping. i just don't know.

forbidden

he sat next to her on the bench. there was just enough space between him that she could sense the warmth of his body next to hers... but they did not touch. it was a calm night. above them the stars appeared everywhere dotting the sky. the scent of summer and the warm breeze was evident and yet she was cold. despite the beautiful sight above her, she stared at her feet. waiting for him to say something... anything. he didn't. words were forming in her throat but she couldn't seem to say them. crickets sang in the background, and next to them the small stream hummed gently. after what seemed like an eternity he said it. her name softly coming off his lips. it was hushed and fragile. and then the words that followed came easier and with more strength, as if he had suddenly remembered what they were here about.
"this has to end. we both know it's time."
she remained silent, as she had since they arrived. she longed to say all that she was feeling, but the words were caught in her throat. and the ache in her heart told her that was she wanted would only make it harder.
"please say something to me. god only knows how much this hurts me... but i don't see any other option. it would really help if you would talk to me..."
the tears started to roll quietly down her cheeks. she held her hands together, careful that they were nowhere near his. her hair hung over her face and she hoped he didn't notice. soon though her tears became sobs and she couldn't take it anymore. she looked at him... his eyes too held tears and he reached for her. she laid her head on his shoulder and cried harder. his hand found her back and he began to rub it gently.
"i love you." he said softly and repeated again and again next to her ear. "i will never love anyone like i love you..."
trembling she lifted her head and found his lips. she kissed him with all she had... all her emotions behind it. and he kissed her back with just as much feeling, if not more. and then he looked at her.
"this will never be over will it? no matter how hard we try... god, i can never stop loving you."
she continued to cry. she knew this was going to continue to be the most amazing thing she had ever experienced... and the most painful.

JUNE 24th

(an entry from my journal...)

Psalm 36:5-7 O Lord, your mercy reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the skies, your righteousness is like the mountains of God, your judgements like the deep ocean. You save people and animals, O Lord. Your mercy is so precious, O God, that Adam's descendants take refuge in the shadow of your wings.

I don't know what I'm doing... or what I've been doing. My mind is once again a boggle of questions and I feel as if I lost the pieces that were holding me together. I feel I am sinking, weighed down by the abscence of them... my friends who were my support system, and her - the one person in my life I will never be the same without. I will never get used to this loss. I miss her like crazy and this is the first time I've wrote in here about it. I don't know what to say...

Her voice is slowly slipping from my mind and I know someday I wll no longer be able to hear her in my thoughts. I close my eyes and feel her hug me... and I don't want the memory to ever leave even as it grew weaker over the last months. Her hands and her body become more frail. Her eyes still held the same love but they were glazed by a sadness she tried so hard to hide. Her energy became less and less until I could barely stand it to sit there and see her barely breathing just sitting down. She slowly slipped away and I wish I could pull her back somehow. I miss her so much.

I don't even know where my life is going, and I wish she was here to talk to...
I'm so broken up right now about so many things and I feel so lost. I don't know how to describe this and I don't know how to get back on track.

All I know is that I'm hurting and I want it to stop...

honestly...

to anyone out there who cares...

when i created this blog i told myself that i could live my life without regrets. experience things good and bad, and just learn from them... not regret them. in all honesty, thats a lie. as much as i tell myself i don't regret anything in my past... i do.

i constantly wonder why i have never been "the girl" to the guys who really mattered. and why i seem to only attract the ones who are bad news. am i putting off the wrong vibe? i can't seem to attract the kind of guys i want to be around... and that scares me. i'm going off to college soon and more than a new experience, and new people i keep thinking that i have to be the type of person who is going to attract the right kind of people. if i party at all... am i going to meet a guy who parties and isn't a christian?? and how do i meet those christian guys in an environment full of wordly people and wordly temptations?? how do i find the right connections??? its stressing me out...

i accept the mistakes i have made with guys. but when i sit back and look at it as the whole picture i think geez... what was i thinking? long story short: i've kissed too many people. you don't realize until its too late that those kisses mean something. thats a part of you that you can never get back. and they should be saved for someone special... gosh i hope i find them.

okay. i know i'm just going through a pity party right now. sorry guys... i just had to do it. i've seriously not been happy lately and i've been tearing apart absolutely everything i can think to try and find SOMETHING. try to find me... and who i want to be. and the only way i can do that is by going back and remembering all the pieces of my past. (good or bad)

okay maybe i do regret. maybe i don't. bottom line: i never forget the stuff that has shaped who i am... and sometimes i can't help but think what would have happened if i would have done something differently....

i have three track pictures.
freshman year: black fingernail polish (the only way i ever expressed how i was feeling. i never went out of control.... all black. completely emo. but in a small way i was saying... hey guys. i'm depressed. help me please.)
sophomore year: white fingernail polish (i wasn't really sure what i wanted, but i wanted to appear care-free and happy so i did things a little differently. idk...)
junior year: french manicure lol...

see what i mean. things change. and sometimes you just look back and think geez... what the heck?? lol.

this was kind of pointless but i feel a little better. tell me what you think.... if you wanna.

this road...

if you want to get away... the road doesn't have to end. it can keep on going, and going... as far away as you wish. just keep driving. stop when you feel safe. until then... keep driving. drive and let the tears fall. with eyes hidden behind big sunglasses, no one willl ever notice...

its hard to find a safe place when you don't have anywhere to go. i am so lost and confused lately. and more than anything i'm hurting. i go through the days... and i smile. but inside i feel like i'm dying. i don't know where to turn. the people i once thought to be my support system and my encouragement now appear to me as strangers who don't seem interested in spending time with me... and the people i want to spend time with, don't seem to have the time for me....

i miss my auntie karen. today there was a notebook on the kitchen table... and being the nosy person that i am, i opened it. it was my mom's journal and i flipped to a page about HER. i read it and i just started crying. thats all i do lately. it doesn't matter what i'm doing, where i'm going, how i think i'm feeling. i just cry. yesterday my mom asked me to meet my dad to get new tires on my car... i walked out of the house and started bawling. i can't help it. i'm hurting so bad and i feel like i have no where to turn. no one to hear my cry.

God, what am i suppossed to do??? this isn't getting any easier. i seem to have lost sight of things i once held close in my life and i don't know how to get back. i'm on this road, all by myself... and i don't know which way to turn.

i need direction... i need help...

the end of a long chapter

it is something you think about for years, something you think will never come...
graduating from high school. and then one day, its within your sight and suddenly there is a mix of emotions. the excitement and anticipation you've felt for so long is now mixed with sadness and moments you will never have again.

things are about to change. my life will never be the same. i will never walk down the halls of my high school again, seeing familiar faces, and faces i've seen time and time again but don't really know. the classrooms i've been in for the last four years, the teachers i've gotten to know... will no longer be a part of my daily routine. the parties on the weekends with the people i've known for years... and those i just started to talk to will be soon gone. we will never again have a "senior party" with all of our closest friends.

its just weird. i'm so excited to go to college. to be rid of the high school bullshit and the drama. to be able to meet new people and have some control over who i want to see on a daily basis. to start a new experience and continue to grow up and become my own person. but its just one of those bittersweet experiences that is hard to explain, and hard to decipher how i feel about it. i'm very happy and sad at the same time and its just so stressful!!

well we'll see what the future brings... hopefully its good. :)

confusion

there are so many thoughts going through my head all the time... i don't know what to do with them, how to sort them out. its unbelievable how quickly my mood can change. i can be smiling, doing fine, and the next moment i feel like i'm going to start crying without the ability to stop. i know grieving is suppossed to be difficult and confusing, but sometimes its so much to handle. i never know when its going to hit me... what small thing will hit the wrong chord. it can be something as simple as a phrase, or a beautiful as a song. when i let my mind wander, it often goes to that place... and i fight it off. if i have control over it, i don't think about it. its too hard, and the amount of stress and strength it takes out of me is sometimes too much to bear.
i apologize for taking it out on the people around me... i know they don't deserve my wrath, and that my mood swings are sometimes not fun to deal with. but sometimes i just can't help it, and for that i'm sorry. this is the hardest thing i have ever gone through and how i'm suppossed to deal with it is still a mystery to me. my life is no longer the same... because of that and so many other things and the monstrous changes that have taken place lately are overwhelming.

i hope someday this gets a little easier.

because right now... this sucks.

my Aunt Karen

On March 15, 2007 my Aunt Karen died of cancer and went home to be with the Lord...
today would have been her 59th birthday.

Its hard to know why God takes away the people we love. She meant the world to my family and was a constant part of my life ever since I can remember. She used to tell me stories about how when I was little I used to cry when my parents came and got me because I wanted to stay with her... I used to stay the night at her house as a little girl, on a cot next to her bed. She would always hold my hand until I fell asleep.

She was always there for me, and she always put people's concerns above her own. Even in her last months, she never let on how she was. She always kept a smile on her face and used to joke about taking a walk around the block and having my uncle drive along beside her to refill her oxygen tank. She always had such a postive attitude and caring spirit, I could never be in a bad mood when I was around her. Her laugh was infectious and if she started we both had a hard time stopping...

Its been like five days and I'm already missing her like crazy. I keep closing my eyes and seeing her... laughing, hearing her voice, seeing us do all the things we used to do... this weekend when we went to Sioux Falls for the funeral and when we were with all the family, I seriously kept expecting her to walk through the door, see us all crying, and say, "What??" like she always used to. A family gathering will never be the same without her... she was that one person in a family that everyone absolutely adores, and she has left a huge hole in my heart.

I know she is up in heaven, having a blast, probably making God laugh uncontrollably. I am glad that her suffering is gone... that she has been healed from cancer by being able to get a new body in heaven, but I miss her... and its hard to keep a smile on my face, its hard to keep living life, its hard to carry when I know she's gone. I'll be doing okay and then I'll see her lying there in the casket... I'll see all the funeral processions again in my mind, I see her the last time I saw her struggling to breath and I'll remember... and the tears will come.

People say it gets easier with time, I don't know how. For this hurt and pain is unlike anything I've ever experienced and I don't know how to get through it. I keep praying to God for reassurance and for strength and that I know He has her in His presence, but then the tears just come even harder. I know His plan is perfect, but I just want to feel her arms around me again. I want to hear her say my name. I want to sit at her kitchen table eating potato rolls and play scrabble. So many things... I'm never going to do with her again. And it really really hurts. I see the next months, years, of my life playing out and I can't imagine them without her.

She meant the world to me. Sometimes when things between me and my parents were rocky I always imagined living with her. I thought about it so many times... running away to stay with my Auntie Karen, who was like a mother to me. She was definitely an inspiration to me. She loved everyone around her, she had a gentle heart and a kind spirit, and she is going to be missed by so many.

But I guess until the day I get to see her again, I will just have to say... till we meet again, and remember all the good memories, and maybe someday I'll be able to think of them and smile instead of crying about never being able to experience them again.

In closing... here is what I wrote for her funeral.

Auntie Karen - I am going to miss you so much. More than an aunt, you were like a second mother to me and one of the most inspirational people in my life. You were always there for me, surrounding me with love, hugs and smiles. I will miss staying the night at your house, having you draw on my back and say, "its something that runs across the road...", making cut-out cookies every Christmas, playing Christmas trivia on the way to Sioux Falls, playing cards with you as my partner, playing scrabble, hearing your voice, and hearing you laugh. You have impacted my life in so many ways, and I will always keep you and our many memories close to my heart. It's hard to believe that you're gone, but it's a comfort to know that you're in a better place, smiling with joy, and knowing that someday I'll get to see you again.



"Absent from the body, present with the Lord."

floating

sometimes, we just need to be quiet. relax and day-dream.
let the mind make things come true, or bring back the happiest of times.
in the midst of a chaotic world, sometimes...
we just need to pretend everything is like we want it to be.
for in those minutes - our perfect lives playing on the screen of our thoughts...
we can smile with satisfaction and be content.
the things that are bothering you... evaporate and you start floating.
higher and higher until you start forgetting what the real world contains.


so take some time for yourself. sit in silence. eliminate all distractions.
close your eyes. and remember. re-play the memories. laugh again. smile. be happy.
and let your imagination take you away... to the dreams of your heart.

trust

Hidden underneath the smile, behind the laughter, there lies someone struggling to stay strong.
The battle is more evident at times than others, but it is always there.

Why does God put us through situations that seem impossible to understand?
Why does He ask us to endure such pain, such heartache that threaten to break us?

James 1: 2 - 3
Consider it pure joy my brothers when you face trials of many kinds, for the testing of your faith develops perserverence.

2 Corinthians 1: 8 - 9
We even wondered if we could go on living... but we suffered so that we would stop trusting ourselves and learn to trust God.

We will never understand God's plan, or why we are asked to endure the struggles we go through in our lifetime. Sometimes they seem impossible to overcome, and its so hard to keep smiling in the midst of pain... but we must. And we must put all of our trust in God because He is the only one who is there for us, and He has a plan and a purpose for everthing... even if we don't know what that is. Trusting that His will is perfect is hard, but its also rewarding. It causes us to draw closer and closer to him and really get to know him better...

In the midst of struggle, in the depths of your pain, your despair... cry out to Jesus. He will be there with open arms. His love is never-ending. He will not judge. He is there to comfort you, to be there for you when it feels like no one else is... when it feels like the world is crashing down around you. He is there to lift you back up... place you on your feet. Put your trust in Him, and you'll be able to make it through.


God is amazing, and lately I've really been seeing that.
What I'm going through right now is unlike anything I've ever experienced... and crying out to Jesus is the only thing that helps me keep a smile on my face... at least most of the time.

before the enemy

She used to love walking, through parks, along sidewalks, in the company of a friend. She was a fast walker, moving a rapid pace until she returned, nearly out of breath. Now she sits, oxygen tank by her side, the tubes traveling up to her nose. Without even moving, she is already out of breath. Her walking days are over... She now spends her time in her favorite chair, sometimes doing a puzzle, other times just relaxing. She is no longer the pace setter. Her pace has been set for her by the enemy living within her body - cancer. Over the past months it has made her pace slower and slower until getting up to take a few steps sets her into a fit of coughing. Her body is frail, and those firm hugs she used to give - a little looser. The few strands of hair she still has peek from underneath the baseball cap she no longer goes without. She is no longer the same person. The cancer has over taken her body and turned her into someone weak and frail. The only thing that has not faltered is her heart, her spirit, and her faith. She still laughs, jokes, smiles, and believes. She is still the same caring, tenderhearted, loving woman, everyone loves. And because of that spirit, that hope, she is strong.

She will always be one of the most respected and treasured people in my life... whether she is sitting right next to me, or whether one day she is forced to live on in my heart. She is my aunt, I love her and I will never forget all the different ways she has touched my life. She has been a part of shaping who I am, and I hope that one day I have the privelege of being even a fraction of the person she is. She is truly amazing...

to keep living

everyone is different. something strikes us one way or another, good or bad, and each of us have a different way of dealing with it. the people around us don't always understand why... but to us, its the only way. we don't know any other way of handling it.

we laugh. we cry. we get angry and take it out on the people around us. we seclude ourselves and refuse to let anyone come near us. we distance ourselves from others, or we cling tightly to the ones we love with fear. we let our minds go completely blank so we don't have to think about it... whatever it is. sometimes we hurt ourselves, in one way or another... and it gets worse. we don't allow ourselves to get up and so instead we just keep falling. we break down. we break down and... we stay down.

sometimes people comment, "he doesn't know how to handle it." to them, they are right. they are all knowing because they are the ones looking in on the situation... and they are the stronger person. they are stronger because they are not there. they are not experiencing the kind of pain, heartache, struggle, confusion, and dissapointment the person they are judging is going through. when we are little we are told to put ourselves in another person's shoes to know how they feel... easier said than done. in fact, easy to say... impossible to do. unless you have actually been there, until you know exactly what someone is going through, you are clueless as to how a situation should be handled. you have no right to say anything. you don't know.

everyone handles things differently. it is how they feel a sort of comfort... it is how they survive. whether it is "right or wrong" does not matter to them. and unless they are on the verge of doing something harmful... it shouldn't matter to you.
help them along, be the shoulder they can cry on, let them know you care, and if you do... it will be much easier for them to start standing again. but don't judge, love them where they are and try to be as understanding as possible, even if you have no idea how they feel.
and if they push you away... don't take it personally. for its a good possibility that they know you don't understand... and maybe never will. and involving people in something they can't comprehend sometimes makes things more complicated than they already are.

yes, everyone handles situations in their own way.
and that way... is the reason a lot of us are still here:
breathing, living, laughing, crying, and moving on.
life is hard. and we're going to break down.
but if we find a way to deal with the struggles...
even if it is "our way"... we'll make it.

inside my heart

hap·py (hāp'ē)
Characterized by good luck; fortunate.
Enjoying, showing, or marked by pleasure, satisfaction, or joy.
Being especially well-adapted; felicitous:



its dark. everyone is sleeping. except for me...
three o'clock in the morning and there i am.
yet again. my mind whirling.
the tears falling onto my pillow.
asking yet again:
when do i get to be happy?

there are many less fortuanate than i.
yet my heart tells me i have been unlucky.
i am not satisified. i do not sing of joy.
begging for a more enjoyable life... i cry.
struggles, past and present, bring me down.
i am losing the battle.

last night a temptation arose.
appealing, as i remembered its' comfort.
[being able to control the pain]
oh stranger, it has been so long.
and from you i will continue to run.
your proposal spells disaster.

my fingers tightly grasp a fraying strand.
hope that seems to be running out.
i promise i will try - to keep my head above water.
but sometimes my arms begin to tire.
and then i sink, until You pull me up and say:

I created you. I love you. I forgive you.

The Carousel

"Giddy up horsey!" screamed the little girl on the carousel. Her thin blonde ponytails flew in the wind, accompianed by the purple ribbons that held them in place. Cascading over the horse was the beautiful purple and white dress she wore, and on her toes a pair of perfectly white shoes.

"Giddy up!" she yelled again, and then turned to the side to see her parents standing there smiling.

The galant ride atop the white carousel pony went on for a good ten minutes before it came to a halt and the little girl jumped off the horse and ran down into her daddy's arms.

He scooped her up and kissed her cheek and the mother laughed by his side, as she took his arm and they walked away from the carousel together.

Sweet carousel, innocent child, a combination that is the recipe for happiness. Yet happiness is not what little girls are made of.

15 years later... the girl has become a vivid and wild 19 year old. Her once blonde hair is now as black as night, and the dress has been replaced with fancy bras and small skirts. On her feet she wears nothing, shoes are not needed where she is.

The bounciness of her childhood is no longer. Now all she longs for is making people happy. Harmless right? Wrong, for that wanting is the key to her broken heart, buried within her. She is no longer someone who is loved, but someone who is used.

Theres on a knock on her door. Walking over the beer bottles and the trash that can be found all over, the woman gets up and lets the visitor in.

He, is a tall, muscular man, around the age of 23. His hair is dark brown, and he wears a white t-shirt and faded jeans. He walks in and the two exchange words.

"You know what I want."

"What you want isn't free you know..."

"Oh, I think it is." and with that he pulls out a gun, and points it at her head. She falls back and sits on the bed. Tears begin coming down her face, as he walks towards her.

And as he walks closer she begins to sing,
"Sitting on a carousel ride without any music or light.
Everything was closed at coney island, and I could not help from smiling..."



[written November 30th, 2004]

bittersweet goodbyes

he was leaning against the building; tall, broad shoulders, brown hair, no smile. his dark blue eyes stared intently at the crowd filing into the building for the big game... searching for someone in particular. he had no intention of entering that gymnasium. he was here to do one thing, and as soon as he had he was leaving. not only leaving the building…he was leaving the state. and he was never coming back. after tonight he doubted there would be anything left for him here. and that was the way it had to be. he crossed his arms and briefly looked at the ground. focusing on one area helped him not to lose it. he couldn't break down yet. not here. not now. not till it was over. he took a deep breath and raised his head. and that’s when he saw her.

she was walking towards him without a care in the world; her hair blowing gently back and her face radiant with a smile. he could hear her laugh and he winced. [he had always loved that laugh, loved hearing it, and now it was killing him to know he would probably never hear it again]. she was surrounded by friends on either side and they walked arm in arm. he knew them well and wished they would just vanish. but there they were. she looked from friend to friend, smiling big, and then slightly forward... and in that moment: she saw him. their eyes locked and immediately her smile evaporated. it was as if an unexpected storm cloud had suddenly enclosed the sun. the light was no longer able to escape and suddenly the night felt gloomier. she stopped in her tracks. her friends continued a step before realizing and turned to look at her. she simply stared. following her gaze they saw him. leaning against the building, looking as intimidating as ever and yet at the same time... completely vulnerable.

his heart was beating loudly inside his chest. this was it. it was time. he watched her whisper something to her friends; and then they squeezed her hand and continued toward the gym doors... passing him as they went they simply smiled out of pure habit. a smile merely given for lack of a better response. he didn't smile back. all he could do was stare at her as she gradually made her way towards him. when she reached him he didn't say a word. and neither did she. they were both terrified of what was to come. him, knowing what had to be said and she, fearing the unknown. he grabbed her hand and led her to his car.
and then he drove. and they sat in silence until the reached it. the spot. [over the years they had met here, time and time again. it was no place special, in fact it was nothing more than a public park… but they had memories here.] they both got out of the car and started to walk along the bike-path, as they always had. finally. he spoke.
“I’m leaving...”
there was a slight pause and deep sigh before she replied. “I know…”
they kept walking. [they had both known this day was going to come. they had known it for years. ever since he had decided to join the military. back when they were barely friends he had told her what he wanted to do with his life. at the time she had respected it and gave him congratulations in being so certain of his future. little did she know, little did they both know, how close they would become.]
“I don’t know what to say…” he whispered.
she didn’t know either. she had not been prepared to do this tonight. she had not thought about what to say, yet she didn’t know if any words were the right ones. she didn’t want to say good-bye to him… couldn’t say good-bye to him. he had become a part of her life she could count on… a friend who would always be there no matter how long it had been since they had last talked. he had always been there for her and now he was asking her to let him go. it was too much to ask and as the thoughts and memories ran through her head tears began to form at the corners of her eyes. she stopped walking and looked at him.
as he saw her tears more memories came flooding back to him of all the times she had cried. all the times he had held her… told her it was going to be okay. oh how beautiful she looked when she cried. and now… here they were again. but this time he couldn’t tell her it was going to be okay. he couldn’t give her a solution. he couldn’t offer her words of advice. this time they were both in the same boat and they were both completely miserable.
he did the only thing he could do. he took her into his arms and as he did he could hear her sobbing, feel her tears sink into his shirt and then tears began to fall from his own eyes. he had never thought what had started as an accquantaince through a mutual friend would turn into such a good friendship together. he regretted not hanging out with her more. [having different lives they had had a hard time getting together on a regular basis and a lot of times would go months without seeing each other. they had talked often… but it had never been quite what they wanted. but it was the best they could do and they had worked it out.] now he wished he had set aside all his prior obligations and had made it a priority to see her. little did he know the same thoughts were going through her head...


and so they sit there. in a park. holding on to the last moments they will probably ever share together. [a couple. long-time friends. family members. people who have been touched by another and are being asked to let go.] no, it is not easy. but…life does not give us what we want. on the contrary it often forces us to accept things we can hardly comprehend.
friends leave… after years of memories, of good times and bad, of sharing the laughter and the pain… they walk out of our lives for some reason or the next and leave behind footprints in our hearts.
people die… a plan in which only God can understand, sometimes we are asked to say good-bye to people before we are ready, before we think they are ready… but he knows, and he has a reason.

life is full of introductions and good-byes. of happy beginnings and bittersweet endings. a “hello” is the start of brand new memories, and new experiences. a “good-bye” simply says thank you for everything and the times we will never forget. we can avoid neither… nor do we want to. it’s a cycle that shapes who we are… and who we’re going to become.

pouring teardrops

It had been a beautiful day: she had smiled, she had laughed, she had felt happy. The air outside was warm and the wind lightly kissed her face as she walked in the park. She ventured slowly, with no destination in mind, and no time frame to get there. She was simply enjoying life... taking in the beauty of all that surrounded her.
Trees swayed gently, their leaves moving as if whispering a message. She did not speak, listening to hear something of value... in hopes that perhaps the purpose of her life would suddenly become evident to her through the swaying branches, the light breeze, the cement sidewalk, and the people around her. No such answer came, but she remained content and care-free. Today, in her mind, she was okay. Today... she was refusing to let anything bother her.
She chose to fill her mind with thoughts of hope. Things that brought a smile to her face, or at least left her feeling touched with a level of comfort. The sun shone on her shoulder and she was warm. Not only in a physical sense but also in her emotions. Today she had realized how lucky she was. It had become clear to her that if needed, she could call a number of people who would be there for her in an instant. She was loved. And that made her feel amazingly secure.
She continued to walk... oblivious to the clouds that were beginning to appear in the sky. She started to feel a slight chill but brushed it aside. Yet soon the sudden change in the weather was undeniable. There was no hiding from it. The clouds hide the sun completely from view... so far away that someone just arriving to the area would highly doubt it had been out at all that day. Slowly raindrops began to fall from the sky. At first they were scattered and sparce and then... triggered by a bolt of lightning. It began to pour.
How beautiful the day had been was suddenly dissapearing... as the tears poured off of her cheeks with no sign of stopping. The storm was back, and there was no shelter nearby. No friendly shoulder to cry on. The care-free feeling of being alone suddenly became her nightmare. And yet, the feeling was not un-familiar.
It always happened like this... the day always starts without a care. It is new and nothing has disturbed the peace it provides. One chooses what to do with that peace... it can be embraced or it can be tossed to the side until another day. However, be aware: gathering up that ray of hope is not the hard part of the day. That comes later on. Later, as the stresses of the day pile up and the sky begins to darken. And sometimes... its going to rain. Sometimes... its going to pour. And all you can do is stand there, soaking wet, and take comfort in knowing... no one can see your tears.



[inspired by the quote "we were staring at the stars and we heard a clap of thunder..then the moon gave way to rain and it tore apart the sky..so we lay flat on our backs cause in the rain no one knows you're crying."]