we will laugh together someday...

somewhere along the way i lost who i was and became someone i can't seem to find. after the words cancer left their lips and up until this very moment... i have been changing. funny thing is... i don't know how it happened. obviously i recognize the evident reasons... but i don't know who i am anymore. lately my car has become my refuge. or is that the right word? because it seems that whenever i start driving i feel the urge to cry. more often than not... i have been doing just that. the tears are not few, and the sobs that accompany them are not quiet. the tears seem to roll down my cheeks and i sob loudly. i cannot stop. it just happens. i keep playing over all the memories in my head. of everything i can possibly remember. sometimes i laugh, and smile. other times i just cry harder. and then... i ask you why? why God, would you take away someone who meant so much to everyone? why God, WHY! i dont' know how to explain it... but no matter how good i think i'm doing: i'm really not the same person anymore. i don't know who i am, and i don't know what to do. i am a girl. confused, hurt, and yet most of the time very happy. i have fun, i laugh, but lately... i just cry. i knew the tears would come again. i just don't know how to make them stop. i write. and i write. and i keep writing. i think this is a way of dealing with it.. but i don't know how much its helping. i just don't know.