rambling holiday thoughts.

"your worst days are never so bad that you are beyond the reach of God's grace and your best days are never so good that you are beyond the need of God's grace"

in the light of christmas, and the feelings associated with it, i felt compelled to write (surprise surprise). for those who hold ties to our Savior, we are told to remember the true meaning of christmas as we go through the day - to remember Jesus being born, to come and save the world, and to eventually die for all our sins. wow, right? yet, we get caught up in the hustle and bustle - and presents, who got what. me, i got a new camera and a new ipod, both which i am extremely grateful for. but more than that, i am thankful for my parents. for my family. for the significance of the day. and also the missing pieces. its hard to celebrate a day centered on family and togetherness when one of your loved ones is no longer able to be a part of it. every year, my aunt and my mom used to exchange calenders. and every year, me and my aunt would make cut-out cookies. last year, i made them by myself and cried the whole time, practically. this year, my mom helped a little - and half way through i was so overcome with emotion that i had to go downstairs. i threw up. its overwhelming sometimes, her absence. christmas eve service had me choking back tears when silent night was sung, her favorite. opening presents today, now only from my uncle who left them before he went out of town... was hard. my mom still got her calander, which is just a reminder of her absence. and she has no one to give one too. there were once again tears. the holidays are harder than any other times, and i just think - we should be thankful for those who still touch our lives on a daily basis, or even those who grace us with their friendship. each day is a gift. every day. not just christmas, but this time of year seems like when we remember things things more than others. i like to think that i make a difference. i would like to think that as this year comes to a close, i have touched people's lives in the past year. because i know for sure, that many people have touched mine. and to those people i say thank you. thank you for sticking by. thank you for putting up with me, even when i am rude. when i am unappreciative. when i take for granted what i have. thank you for holding me through the tears. through the hard times. for loving me. for thats what God wants us to do isn't it? be there. to love with our whole hearts. like He does. made in His image, we should act in His image. it is not so much about the words we speak, but the actions we present. we spread His love through ourselves. and that's what we should remember today. i definitely do. my aunt was an inspirational part of my life. she touched me in ways i can't even explain. there will always be a hole in my heart, and even though as time goes on it starts to heal... it will never be the same. she was self-less. she cared for others. she prayed for others. she was gentle. kind-hearted. soft-spoken. slow to anger, and full of love. i want to leave a legacy like that. and so i ask myself today - am i being who i want to be? am i making a difference? am i showing God's love? or am i focused on myself, and caught up with all my silly "problems" that i have lost what is important. i don't know. i know that i am not completely on track... more off to the side, lost a little to the left. i can see the path. or at least a glimpse of light through the clearing, but i can't seem to get there right this second. sometime soon perhaps. who knows. i certainly do not. but even though i am not quite there - i still know that God is watching over me. that He is waiting. and all the things i have always known, are still true - even if i don't see them, or feel them. He gives us these times as reminders, and maybe as provokers towards our true potential - to make us remember what really counts. for its not the presents under the tree, the giant piece of pie, or a holiday drink - its the promise. He will always be there. when He sent His son, through mary He gave us a choice to have faith, to believe, and to trust. so what will you choose? no matter where you are - God's grace is sufficient. He is holding out His hand, no matter how long it takes you to reach it. He will not grow weary. You are, I am, His child.

destination anywhere.

somebody help me get out of this place. i don't feel like i belong here. i have cried way too much in the past couple weeks. this is supposed to be a break from the stresses. this is supposed to be a time of year full of joy, and fa la la's.

too many words that confuse what I say. i have such an easy time putting words on the page. i have no problem ranting about how i feel to this screen. words come easy from my fingertips. my mouth however, seems to have a complication. i don't know how to say what i really mean. and so instead, i decide to hold it in... i choose to say nothing at all. because its easier to pretend. i hate having to explain. because when i feel the way i feel right now, it always ends the same. me - blubbering. crying. feeling like an idiot. i don't like hurting people's feelings. i hate confrontations. i hate getting mad. so instead i choose to ignore things. until they really get bad enough to say something. i deal with it on my own... that's just the way i am.

give me the keys to get out of this box. i am trapped. surrounded by unanswered questions. at the most inopportune time of year. i miss my aunt. so incredibly much. its hard to get excited about christmas anymore... i still like it, its just not the same. instead of looking forward to it, its just a reminder that she isn't here. she won't be sharing it with us. that i have to make cut-out cookies by myself, instead of with her... like we always did, how it should still be. my mom brought out a picture the other night - christmas when i gave her this book i wrote about her, everything i loved about her. i just started crying. i want her back. so much. and on top of that, i don't know where i belong. i am surrounded by choices, and no answers. i don't know how to deal with things. i don't feel like being around people. i can't run. i feel like i'm losing the things that are important to me.

I can’t help myself right now. there is a looming future in front of me, and i just want to hide in the corner and never come out. i want to keep all the good things about my life. i want to hold on to my family. and the few friends who actually mean something to me. and i don't want anything to change. i want to change. i want to grow. but i need those people to stay with me. i don't feel like i can lose anything else right now... i don't know how i would deal with it. and i'm so afraid something is going to come crashing down on me. seems like when you're at the bottom, you just tend to fall even harder. i'm trying. but i just want to disappear. destination anywhere?

[italics credited to sugarcult - destination anywhere]

forgotten flower.

i want to understand. i want to know where my life is supposed to go from here. where am i supposed to go to school next year? how am i going to get through next semester... i need a job. i need to feel reassurance. i need to know i'm doing okay. i need someone to tell me i'm making a difference. i need to know that i'm on the right path. i want to write. i want to spend my money getting a degree in something i enjoy. is that wrong? no, i don't know where i will work. no, i don't know if i will receive health benefits. no, i don't know how i am going to pay for everything. i always said, one day at time... but now i'm getting worried. i want to know why God is taking away one of the things that help me deal with stress. especially now when i have so much of it. i need to run. that's all i know. it's all i've ever done. and now - waiting for a year? maybe longer? maybe never again??! i can't deal with that. i don't know how. i need people to answer their phones when i need them. like why isn't there some magical power that says - this phone call is very important. instead of not answering, and not calling me back. i just need to know i'm worth the call. just please. i want to know why - people don't call me. invite me when i call, after plans have already been made, but not before. why? don't i belong. and if not, then where do i belong. i constantly ask myself that question. please God, help me! i have lost you. i have lost myself. i have lost all sense of direction. who am i? and does anyone even care.. do i even care... i want to know i'm beautiful. i want someone to tell me i mean something. i want to feel. right now i'm just numb. and i'm just dealing with it. stuffing it all inside. who am i to deserve more. i start crying. i lose my happiness. and i get blamed for being mad. i'm just upset. with life. with myself. with everything. the people. the lies. the constant charade. i want more. i want answers. i want to feel complete. i want to be confident again. i don't know anything right now.

a poem.

I will die

here in this city full
of flat brown fields
and winters that never
end- where I lost
myself; where I became
the person consumed
with apple martinis
random hook-ups
late nights of smoking
joints and laughing
about nothing at all,
all the while trying
to break free from the
chains of peer pressure
the addiction to men
who screw and then
leave me feeling like an
anorexic staring into the
mirror: starving but
skinny enough
beautiful enough – almost,
one more day and then
I will stop and live,
or not.

by Kari Carda

[I wrote this for my poetry class. :)]

this is about today, soon to be a yesterday.

we all have those days. like the one i just had. you know the ones i'm talking about? the ones where you have all these expectations, you wake up and think - this is going to be a good day. today i will do things. today i will have fun. today i will spend time with the people i love. today will be great. and you start your morning off with a hot peppermint chocolate latte and indulge a re-run of your favorite show, just to get things off to a good start - before finally getting off your ass and preparing for the oh, so wonderful day to come. and then you wait, for the phone call that has been promised to be dialed. the one you are promised to be receiving. time passes and it doesn't come. just a few more hours i promise. so you wait some more. meanwhile, there is another promised phone call that could come at any time so just maybe they will call first. there is still hope. and then hope dies. 5, 6, 7 hours later and you realize your day has passed. it is dark outside. and you have barely moved from this morning. and yet - no one calls, and they will not. so in an attempt at regaining sanity you will try another option, try another source of enthusiasm and enjoyment - yet that also fails you. leaves you getting into your car with tears streaming down your perfect face, you know - the one you took time to put makeup on, surrounded by the hair you made sure to curl, for your oh, so wonderful day. and so you waste gas, that is only $1.55 at the moment, but still gas used for nothing more than an anecdote to your heart that feels like its breaking, to your eyes that are staining your clean glasses, to your hands that are clenching the steering wheel, to your music that is cranked up as loud as it can go so that not even you can hear your pathetic sobbing. is it really something to cry about? i do not know. but that is not really the question is it. the question is, why does this matter so much? what do you want? well - you are in fact desperate. have been desperate for the past few months to experience that time of belonging, the type of need that comes only from those you care about the most. the kind that is only shaken by the people you miss the most. and those people - well those people are the calls you never received. so in fact your desperation has been greeted with dissapointment and broken expectations which, results in a emotional disaster that leaves you feeling quite empty, and quite sad. hours later, you cry at a television program that is barely heartwrenching at all. and that is all a part of a day. wasted? perhaps. or perhaps you just discovered something about yourself - that you're hurting worse than you care to admit, and that your desperation, your need to feel something, is more than you've realized. here - you are supposed to be loved. and what happens when we don't receive that love. well, we break. we fall. and we go to bed - praying that tomorrow will be better. and that today's dissapointments will not carry over. for when tomorrow morning comes, today will only be a yesterday. and it will be gone... so what of it?

cinderella?

Growing up, everyone has their favorite Disney movies. Mine was Cinderella. I knew every word, I would make my grandma tape the musicals on TV, every different version that came out - I had to see it. It was the perfect story, rescued by a prince aka the perfect guy, your one and only, your soul-mate, that one person you were supposed to be with. It never got old to me. And then... I grew up.

Me and my mom went to Cinderella tonight. And that little girl inside me was enjoying it, falling for the magic. But my heart doesn't believe it anymore. I'm only 19 years old, and already I feel as if I have experienced enough heartbreak to last me a very long time. I used to believe that dream you know, that I could hold out and that one day I would find that person. I would find that one guy who valued me for my personality, valued me for who I was, who got into something and meant on making an effort to keep it that way. Now I'm not so sure. I feel like I have so much junk in my past, and negative experiences, that that's all I expect anymore...

So many of my friends have these serious relationships... not to mention, some of them have experienced more than once. And I know I'm supposed to be content with what I have. I know that. I know God has a plan, I know He has a purpose for everything, and different things are meant for different people. But sometimes, I just ask: Why? Why not me?? Why have I not had the chance to even get a taste of what it's supposed to be like? Because honestly, I have no clue.

Sorry, for the "oh wo is me" speech.
I'm just a little fed-up.
I little sad, and a little hopeless... for tonight.
Things always look better in the morning right?

history in the making.

well woot - election day has come and gone. if i was one of those highly political people, i would have a lot more indepth comments and specific opinions about the issue, but since i am just a girl - watching from a distance and commenting at an angle, i will simply share my lowly thoughts and concerns and you can do with them as you please...

i will share this with you first - i did not vote today. (go ahead, scream your oos and ahs, and tell me how bad of an american i am. i know. i know. as soon as you're done you can continue reading) it is not that i believe my opinion does not matter, or that i do not care - i do care. and i will continue to care. let us say, that i did vote - i would say, i voted for McCain. because of his beliefs, morals, etc. and i feel as if he is a lot more experienced. on the other side, i think electing the first black president is a huge change, and a huge step in history - as well as for America and the impact that it is going to make on our culture, and the countries of the world who are watching us. further more though, i think that either way - past, present, and future - we need to be praying for our country and its people. our country has a long ways to go, and i think either candidate would have had a lot on our hands. as for its people, well our main purpose is still to infect people with the power of the Holy Spirit, no matter what president is placed before us. the main issue here is relying on God, and trusting that He has a plan, He has a purpose, and His will be done. doesn't the bible say, God will not present us with anything we cannot handle?? well i believe the same is true for our government and what is about to come. and when we reach the point where we can't handle it anymore - than thats when i believe God will come again.

Screw America, Love America, OR please - Respect America. "Proud to be an American, where at least I know I'm free." we are blessed to have the freedom to choose, the freedom to have our own beliefs, our own opinions, and values, and so hold on to them. hold on to what you think is right - and fight for it. spread what is good, and fight back what is evil. we have to stand together as Americans, and more than that, we have to stand together as Christians - to represent and provoke change in the hearts of those who need it the most, in the hearts of those who are crying out for Jesus. so when this world does come to an end, we will be able to rejoice with those we love, as fellow brothers and sisters in Christ.

SOS

Romans 8:26 - In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.

I am beyond words right now. I have reached the point where I am just crying out - just asking for help. All week I have been trying to have a positive attitude about being here, in order to make it through this year as smoothly as possible - and tonight, shit just hit the fan, to put it bluntly. And then here I am again at a loss, not knowing what to do, completely miserable and upset. I am not a mean person, and for one night I stood up for myself and told my roommates I didn't want them to have people over and they get so pissed. Its like we're back in middle school - they turned their music on as loud as it could go so me and my friend couldn't hear what we were watching on TV. I cannot take it anymore. Cannot sit by and not say anything. Cannot handle the drinking night after night. The loud noises. The constant partying, the smoking weed. I feel like I'm trapped inside this bubble and I can't even think because of everything going on around me. It's like I can't even be my own person because I just feel like I'm being brought down, and I'm not allowed to care.

I need God to help me, I need Him to intercede and provide a solution. If that is getting out of this lease then I hope that it is made possible to do... because I can't take it anymore. I know He has a purpose for everything, and an answer for everything. And I just think I've had enough. I'm at my breaking point and I just can't do anything more on my own. I need Him so much. And I know whatever happens next isn't going to be easy, but I'm just going to trust that I'm going to get through this. With a lot of prayer, and a lot of searching I know I can make it. I am putting my trust in God to lead me to where I am supposed to be next... until then, I'm gonna keep pushing forward. Or at least giving it my best effort.

Do you not know?! Have you not heard!?
The LORD is the everlasting GOD, the CREATOR of the ends of the earth. HE will not grow tired or weary, and HIS understanding no one can fathom. HE gives strength to the weary, and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, the young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength...

I've got news people, news that I often have a hard time remembering to focus on, which is really a shame because news as exciting as this - well it should never be forgotten, never be put on the back burner, never be stored away until we REALLY need it. We always need it, we always should have our attention upon, but often times we wait until life is so hard that we can't take it anymore, and then we cry out, then we remember.

God is not our drug. He is not available only when the pain is so great we can't handle it anymore. He is definitely there in those times, but we should be looking to Him during every moment - when we're happy, when we're sad, when we're depressed, and angry, and when we are so overwhelmed that we don't even know what to do. God should be the focal point of our lives - we NEED Him. We NEED Him to be the center. We NEED Him to be in control. We NEED to give Him that control.

The past month, perhaps a little more, I have been so depressed that I have barely gone out of my apartment other than to attend class, perhaps get some groceries, you know stuff like that. The only times I have been remotely happy is when I left Mankato - I went home at the end of September, I flew to Fort Collins, CO in the middle of October, and I recently returned from being home again. Coming back, I realized that the only way I am going to make it through this year - the only way I am giong to survive living here, is to hold on to the positive aspects of my life - to grasp hold of the thigns I have been blessed with, to hold on to JESUS.

I have lost sight of Him lately, I have let Him go because I thought it didn't matter. Everything was falling apart, I haven't even been able to give my friends the time of day, so why would I give Jesus any of my time?? WHY? Because He can give me strength. He can pick me up. He can restore my wounded soul, my heart that seems to be constantly breaking. He can give me hope, to keep trucking along, and searching out the One who will always be there - no matter what the circumstances.

Yep, I got news. God is still here for me, He always has been. And no problem is too great if we just entrust in Him to take care of it, to lead us where He wants us to be. :)

[Isaiah 40: 28-31]

constantly searching.

"there is much we have been given and much we have left behind"

Life is all about transitions, about moving from place of comfort to the unknown, and then just when you become used to your surroundings... thats when its all turned upside down and you find yourself looking for the next new path. I'm looking all right. In every direction, in every state that appears somewhat appealing to my needs. Last year, I felt as if I came to Mankato, Minnesota (which is where I am currently attending college) for a reason. That God led me here for a purpose. And I still believe that is true... I gained a lot out of the experience I have had here so far. Last semester I found myself in a way I never thought I would. I felt God wrap His arms around me, and for once my life made sense. I had a purpose, and I was content. I trusted completely in Him, and didn't doubt that His plan was perfect. I lost that this past summer, amidst chaos, constant activity, parties, and not stopping to breath, more importantly - not stopping to give God the time He deserved, or rather any at all. I'm searching Him again, seeking Him out, and trying to get back to the place where life makes sense. In the process I am also searching out a new adventure. I don't feel content in my surroundings anymore - instead I feel surrounded by people who don't know who I am, who probably never will, and who probably don't care to know the desires of my heart. I have been given roommates who I get along with, and that is a blessing, but I don't feel that this is where I belong anymore. I am ready to try something different. To carry out my education in a new environment, to once again find myself and give myself a chance to be who I want to be. Here I feel trapped, enclosed in a bubble where I am not allowed to grow or expand. I want out. And so here I am - again searching, and reaching towards the next transition. Trying to find the next perfect fit in my life. I need God. Deeply. Desperately. Because I know, when I find Him... He will help me find my answer. Because doing this on my own is eating me up inside. I have cried every day for the past week and a half (possibly more). I have barely had an appetite, and more than once I have thrown up what I've eaten, just because I have been so upset. I think its making me physically sick, not just emotional. I am drained. Worn out, and without a clue as to what to do. The last couple days have been a little better. I feel more at peace, like I am moving in a direction that is getting me somewhere, even if only baby steps. But I am still not content. I miss my family. I think I've called my parents more the last few weeks than I did in months last year. I talk to them more than I did this summer on a daily basis... I need people who care. And those people just aren't here. There is a select couple, but I still feel alone. My life is a serious of stages. And this is a new one for me. Not even my senior year did I spend so much time searching out schools, and trying to decide which one was best for me. I chose on a whim, because at the time I really didn't care. I had more important things on my mind. So in a sense I feel like this is all new for me, which is probably another reason why I am so stressed about it. I don't have a clue about what I'm doing. But thats what life is about right?? Experiencing new things every day, and in the process learning more about yourself, your limits, and how far you can reach, how much you can handle. I am reaching towards the unknown, and trusting God will provide. He doesn't give you more than you can handle, so I know I'm going to make it... I have to make it.

i think i... can't.

i'm supposed to go over to my aunt and uncles tomorrow.
to look through stuff that i could possibly take to college.
a bed. some old dishes. some old silverware. and the like.
its very nice of danny to offer me all of this stuff. its just.

i haven't been inside of that house since the funeral...
she passed away 1 year. 4 months. and 10 days ago...
my mom asked me what time i wanted to go - i got mad.
crawling in bed a little while ago, i could not sleep at all.

i don't think i can go in there without losing it.
just thinking about it makes me start bawling.
i seriously miss her so much, and that house...
it holds so many frickin' memories - good and bad.
i spent a lot of time growing up in that house.
so many laughs. smiles. games. special moments.
and then there are those last few months...

all in all, my emotions go crazy when i think about it.
i really don't know if i can go in there.
you would think by now i would be ready - but idk.

this is driving me crazy...
its things like this, moments like this when i have to face the reality and the emptiness of her being gone that i can't handle it sometimes. its too much. its overwhelming and it still feels wrong. things aren't supposed to be this way. i don't want to walk into that house and feel the emptiness. feel the hole where she's supposed to be. i don't want to sit across the room from danny and see how lonely he really is. he made a comment tonight bout how he went to clean the downstairs bathroom and it was really dirty - he's like, yea i guess most people have wives for that. she should be there. why isn't she here?? my mom commented that her and my dad have had to restart in finding friends they hang out with, because her and my dad did everything with danny and karen. and now she's gone. its a piece of the puzzle that will always be missing. there will never be a completed picture. none of us will ever be the same. and it really hurts sometimes. i just miss her a lot. all the time, but more times than others. and this is one of them. i'm scared of facing something i have been avoiding... i just really don't know if i'm strong enough. i just don't.

a hug would be nice.

sometimes a few words are all you need...

i feel empty and alone. whether i am surrounded by people, or sitting in a room all by myself there is this hollow place inside of me. i just want to be held. i want someone to put their arms around and tell me everything that will make these feelings go away. i joke about the decisions i have made/are making but inside it tears me apart. i am not content. i am not okay. i want to be someone, not just anyone. same old story - different day, different year, different month. same haunting questions, same repeating circumstances. i want more. i need more. i deserve more. and i don't know what to do right now. i just need someone. when are they going to come?

summer sun and an aching heart.

wish someone would have told me that coming back home for the summer was going to be utterly amazing, and hard as hell - all at once. being around the same people i have always known is comforting, but at the same time it brings up a lot of emotions. and sometimes i have a hard time controlling them, and focusing on what is really important instead of all the things my heart is feeling. emotions i thought i had under control, or had moved past, seem to come back to me full force and i really don't know why. its frustrating, its as if being around the people i love the most also brings to me the feelings that are the hardest to deal with.

being around my family - especially during the summer - makes me miss my aunt a heck of a lot more than when i'm back in kato. she and my uncle always used to come out for bbq's, for walks, to play cards with all of us, to watch a movie, to go hiking, or drive up to hill city for dinner. etc. etc. it still feels like she should be here, as a huge part of our lives - and she's not. and that hurts. my mom expresses to me a lot how much she misses her and that such makes it harder. we watch movies about people dying of cancer, and i have to get up and leave the house immediately after because i don't want to cry in front of them. i don't want to talk about it with them, because i know i will just get to see how much they are hurting too and that will break my heart even more. i miss karen. i miss her so god damn much that sometimes i don't know what to do - other than cry. and cry hard. the tears just have to fall sometimes...

being home makes me want a boyfriend. i don't know why - maybe because i see the boys i have always loved to be around and i just want to know where one of the good ones are for me to have to myself. or maybe because some of my friends are in relationships, and seeing someone so god damn happy makes me jealous, sad, and angry all at the same time. i want someone to love me. i want someone to cherish me, and know that i deserve so much more than all of the guys in my past. i guess thats what hurts the most - is wondering whether i am ever going to mean something more - more than just a hook-up, more than just a fling, more than just a pretty girl who most likely will say yes - because i'm lonely. i'm alone. and unfortuanately, my sexual desires are strong. always have been, always will be - and i'm afraid sometimes that that gets me into trouble.

here - i tend to forget about God. i don't make enough effort to make Him a priority, because its as if i have more important things to do. places to go. people to see. trouble to make. fun to have. i don't like my parents church. crossroads doesn't really do anything for me. and being as how i am only here for a few months - it seems pointless to go church hunting. not to mention i only have every other sunday off. liz and i are supposed to be doing a bible study, but both of our hearts are struggling right now... we just need to do it, cuz i know we both are craving the way we used to feel. i was doing SO good at the end of the school year - seeking God in everything, and i felt so close to Him. and now i don't even know where He is. i don't even know how to get back to that place - and i just feel so completley lost.

don't get me wrong. i'm having an AMAZING summer. i love my friends and i don't know what i would do without them. we do crazy things. stay out till all hours of the morning. go to the lake. go for bike rides at one am. movies. shopping. hiking - all over the place. i'm having a blast, and i don't want it to end anytime soon. but there are just parts of my heart that are aching for something more, and i'm having a hard time dealing with that... and knowing where to look. :(

pretenders

we all like to pretend. we like to pretend we're things we're not. maybe to disguise characteristics of ourselves we aren't proud of, or rather are afraid for others to see. we pretend because we're afraid that people might see past the layers, past the disguises - and see the real us. whats hidden beneath the surface. the things we pretend aren't there, but really they are so much a part of us that they're eating us alive. we can't ignore them. so we approach them and deal with the them in secret, stepping out from amidst the shadows and facing what lies within us. here in our solace we cry. we yell. we question. we try so hard to get rid of those things that make us human, that cause us to feel. cause us to have emotion - give us the option to love, to care, to give, to laugh, to experience things we never thought possible. because sometimes, things would be so much easier without the mushy parts. the parts that can cause us to be strong, but often makes us feel so weak. we feel as if we're going to fall over, break at any moment - all because we feel something. so in affect we pretend. we smile and go about our days as if nothing can bring us down, that there is nothing standing in our way of happiness. we have fun, we joke, we hang out with our friends and it appears as if we are strong. and thats how we want them to think we are. all of us do. so when do we stop pretending? who do we trust enough to see us without the disguises, amidst all of the garbage and the beauty that makes us who we are. that makes us individuals. it takes a lot of strength to let people in. and sometimes those same people you let in are the same ones that make you want to dissapear and keep on pretending. we share bits of our hearts, pieces of our minds, our bodies, our souls - all in hopes that someone will simply share back, let us in, and simply be there when we need them to be. sometimes all it takes is a hug, a smile, or maybe just a few words that let us know people see beyond the surface. that there is more than meets the eye - and no matter how horrible people may treat you, they still see it. and sometimes its okay to stop pretending, even for a moment. we have to take down the disguises, and be honest with ourselves and the people around us. or else we end up denying people the opportunity to see our true colors, and we lie to ourselves about what we really want. we're all pretenders. but sometimes - you have to learn how to just be yourself.

so much has changed.

college is one of those amazing, brand new experiences. everyone says college is the time of your life, and the time where you meet the people who will be your friends forever and realize which ones from high school actually mattered in the first place.

when you put distance between people, you are forced to figure out who is willing to stay in touch, who cares enough to pick up the phone and call, or simply send a text saying - i'm thinking of you. the people you thought were your friends in high school, might turn out to be people you will never really talk to or see again. college lets you know who you're true friends are. and in the process of staying connected to the people who we've grown comfortable with over the years, we start to meet new people. over the course of the first year in college, suddenly you have new best friends. people who you have only known for a few short months become the people you turn to, become the ones who you want to spend all your time with. these people are the ones who are constantly around - all it takes is a walk down the hallway or a few short minutes to stop by and say hello. living in community with one another, you grow very close to those around you. and it is - it's an amazing experience.

so then what happens when school ends for the year, and people go their seperate ways for the summer? its definitely something i wasn't ready for, and really didn't think about. the world at school and the world left behind back at home, are two completely different things. different people, different activities. and i'm torn between being anxious to go home, and sad about leaving the place i have called home for the past 8 months, and the people who have come to be a constant part of my everyday life. the people here are the ones who have come to know me for who i have become while being here - some of them have seen the ways i have changed, and i feel as if i have a support system that really knows me. i'm scared i'm going to go back and ignore who i have become, and fall into the old pattern of how people used to know me, and who i used to be.

its bittersweet. i miss home. i miss my old friends. i miss the things we do during the summer - and i'm so ready to do those things. go camping, go to the lake, bike riding on thursday nights. hanging out, taking pictures, iced coffee on hot days, working... but i am really sad to leave these people behind. and leaving the dorms just signifies the end of a way of life that i will never have again. as much as you say you're going to see people next year, its different with different schedules and people living in different places. i'm afraid people are going to change. idk. i don't really know what to think.

college definitely is an amazing experience, but its also a time in your life when you are stuck between the past and the future. the old familiar, and the new familiar. home, and home? both mean something, and yet each holds two completely different things. i just don't know where i fit the most...

how???

i guess there's some things i'll never understand...

like why?? in the midst of happiness and a great day do i suddenly feel so empty and lost. i was sitting in bible study and i was hearing the words but i wasn't getting them. i just wasn't feeling God... and i just couldn't hear anything. and then erin brought up how i gave her that verse awhile ago...

James 1: 2-3 - "Consider it pure joy my brothers when you are tested in different ways, for you know that the testing of your faith produces perserverance."

and she talking about how it really helped in effect to her friend trying to commit suicide, and then i remembered when i originally discovered that verse - when my aunt had cancer. and idk, it was like all of a sudden all these emotions started rushing back in full force. i could feel all the pain, all the anger, the frustration, the simple confusion of why? why Lord, do you allow things to happen sometimes? and she just kept talking about how its really hard to cling on to God in those times, because all you want to do is turn your back... Oh God, I tried to cling to you - I did, I really really did. I cried to you, I prayed to you, I yelled at you. And when my world came crashing down... I went tumbling along with it.

This is a hurting world. I am not the only one who has gone through something heart breaking. In fact - I know that I am a lot better off than a lot, if not - most. So how do people who don't know God see Him in the midst of pain and suffering?? Like it was hard even for me, and I've grown up with knowing God's promises and the love He has for me. And I still messed up. Idk I guess its just hard sometimes. Not that I thought it was going to be easy. Faith in Jesus is the narrow way - i know that. I guess my heart is just hurting right now. I just had a blast to last year tonight, and it hit me hard.

I don't even know what to say right now. sometimes its just like okay Lord, how do we really experience joy in the midst of pain and suffering? maybe eventually - after we have dried our tears, and calmed down, and admitted to ourselves that God has a plan - and that that happened for a reason. But really? You want me to be joyful when i lose one of the most important people in my life? you want me to be joyful when children are living in poverty? you want me to be joyful when my friends are hurting and i'm miles and miles away and can do nothing to help? you want me to be joyful about my past? (i except it, and i don't regret it - but JOY??)

i guess i just kinda realized the actuality of that verse tonight, and was like - WOW. consider it PURE JOY when you are tested in many ways. thats a toughie Lord, and i guess thats just something i realized i need to work on... cuz right now, i'm not feeling very joyful at all.

my life belongs to God

"If I cannot obey God's love, I cannot love Him in return, and I cannot obey Him. Self-discipline will never make us feel righteous or clean; accepting God's love will. The ability to accept God's unconditional grace and ferocious love is all the fuel we need to obey Him in return. God woos us with kindness, He changes our character with passion of His love." - Blue Like Jazz

My life belongs to God. It is His, and His plan for it is greater than anything I can imagine. Accepting God's love and grace is such a big part of giving my life over to Him. It seems like such a simple concept, but really I think sometimes it is one of the hardest things to comprehend. We are prone to sin, we are destined to screw up, and we are going to dissapoint God. The amazing thing, is that He forgives, and continues to love us unconditionally.

I think at times I don't feel worthy of that forgiveness. Like really Lord, how the heck can you forgive me for that? Don't you realize what I did? like HELLO God - I just really messed up... why do You still want me? Why do You still want to claim me as Yours? Not so much now, but with a lot of things in my past... I used to have a really hard time accepting His grace because I hadn't given those things over to Him. I hadn't forgiven myself and I couldn't let them go.

I can't even explain how amazing it is to finally give all that over to God and just say - Okay Lord, these things are Yours - I'm giving you full control. God's love can cover any pain, any hurt, any emptiness that is evident in our lives. Without God I would not have found peace in a lot of situations. With all the things I went through during my depression, the countless times I let pieces of my purity slip away into hands who really didn't care about what they were taking, and most recently - the fact that I lost an extremely important person in my life...

God heals and restores. Thats what His love is all about. Taking the things in our lives that bring us pain and replacing them with peace, with hope, and with love. And we're going to mess up. We would be foolish to think that we can please God by our actions - you will most certainly fail. We have to let go of our own wants and desires and let the Lord take control. I promise you will be amazed - I promise He will work in your life, I promise He will work things out perfectly. Stop following the world, and start falling the One who created you - created you inside your mothers womb, who knows you full well - everything about you, you wants, your desires, how many hairs are on your head. He is always there - everywhere we go, He is never far away - He's right there.

Galations 2:20 - "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me!"

peace.

John 14:27 - "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do no be afraid."

I think its easy to get distracted by what the world says, by what your friends say, and the lies that we hear day after day. I think thats why having a relationship with God is so hard, and at the same time so rewarding. When I really listen, and dig into His word, I feel so encouraged... but when I'm in the midst of the chaos of the world its really easy to let things get to me and get down on myself. Its hard to hear God among the sin, among the desires of the world - and what it tells you.
Right now, I just feel kind of discouraged, and I really can't explain why. Because seriously - things have been going great! I continue to feel encouraged, and I feel myself growing closer and closer to God and learning new things... but I don't know. Tonight for some reason, is just one of those nights where I'm not really sure where I'm at, or what I'm supposed to be doing. I just feel kinda lost at the moment, and I really can't even explain it.
I'm just clinging on to God's word... and today in my one of a couple quiet times (cuz I seem to need God a lot today lol) I found Psalm 119: 147 - My hope is based on your word. And idk that just really hit me, that we have to have hope before we can have anything else. Courage, strength, and faith are nothing without hope. We have to have hope in God's word and His promises - and more than that His perfect plan.
I guess thats what I need right now, hope and peace. (which explains the verse at the beginning of this blog). I need to just be still, and know that the Lord will take care of everything. God is the light in the darkened world - in Him I can have hope, and I can have peace. I just need to let him take control of my heart, and let Him carry out His will. Sometimes its just hard to see what that is, and I let myself get discouraged. But those verses just really helped me today, and I don't know - I just really needed to write about it.

Peace, Hope, and Love. Sounds like some cheesy quote, but not when you say: God gives us peace, God allows to have hope, and God showers us with love. I know I definitely need all those things, and I'm going to keep on clinging to Him... in every situation, in everything I do. Keep clinging, and keep on praying. For He knows my heart, and its desires - and I know He has an amazing plan for me. :)

a year gone.

Hey Auntie Karen :)
guess what?? Today is the first day of spring! And its your birthday! I always could remember when your birthday was because it was always the first day of spring. :) pretty lucky if you ask me, cuz you loved spring. so do i! The weather finally starts getting warmer, and it stays lighter longer... And it means that summer is just around the corner!

You would have been 60 years old today... I can just imagine you saying how old you are, but you never looked it. You always had this youthful spirit about you... Idk, maybe it was how carefree you were, or how gentle and kind-hearted you were. Something about how much you didn't stress about things made you younger at heart I think. You never seemed that old to me ;) You were always happy, and generous, and you made other people happy just by simply being around. I think younger people have a tendency to do that, like no matter what they do they're still cute and irresistable. Well you were irrestibable because of your wonderful personality, your contagious smile, and a heart that was always 100% for God. You were definitely a woman after His own heart. I miss that you know...

Surprisingly though, this one year anniversary of you going home to be with the Lord, hasn't been as hard as I thought it was going to be. I think God has finally given me some peace about the whole situation. Not to say I don't miss, or still don't cry on occasion :) but I'm doing okay. I know now more than ever that God's plan is perfect, and even though He works in ways we don't understand or can't explain - there is always a reason. Of course I still wish you were here so we could play scrabble, sing the oldies, make a huge bowl of popcorn, etc! but I'm so very very happy that you are not suffering anymore. That the old things have passed away and you have a perfect body, and that you're in Heaven, worshipping the most amazing guy ever - Jesus Christ!

I'm going to Sioux Falls today, and Danny is going to be there. Honestly I think thats what makes it harder... is seeing him without you. You guys were such an amazing couple, and you loved each other unconditionally. Haha. I can still hear you saying, "honey! honey!" :) and he would always come without complaint, without question, and help you in whatever way possible.

Aww Karen. You were such a blessing in my life, and still continue to be. I constantly think of the example that you left, along with all the amazing memories. I just hope that I can be the kind of woman you were - with a heart for the Lord, willing to serve, always putting others above yourself. I miss you so much. But I'm thankful for how many ways you impacted my life. You will always be a part of me... and will continue to live on in my heart.

I love you Auntie Karen. Happy Birthday!!!

<3>

Lord I need you.

the Lord works in mysterious ways. sometimes I really don't understand how or why things happen. I try my hardest to be the best person I can be, and to not offend people and keep my opinions to myself unless I feel they need to be talked about. I think sometimes I hold things in too long and then they end up coming out in a totally wrong way... I don't know how to find the medium. when to keep my mouth shut and when to say how I feel. which is weird cuz I'm one of those people who rarely have a problem talking. I'm one of those people who rarely has a problem opening up. I talk. I communicate. I share. too much a lot of the time. I trust too easily and get hurt because of it. I like to think the best of people... and I don't like to let things get to me. But I'm human, and sometimes they do. And sometimes that gets me into trouble. Like everyone I'm sure.

Lord - I know you have a purpose for everything. My heart is breaking right now... for me, for my family, and for my friends. I know we're all going through a rough time. We all have our struggles, our problems, our weaknesses. I tend to take other people's problems on as my own. I not only worry about my own concerns but I also worry about other people as well. Which is really unhealthy for me. You gave me a caring heart didn't you God? Sometimes I think its a little too big! ;) cuz it sure does seem to get me in trouble. I can't change people. Only you can... I just wish I could help. Help me say the right thing. Help me do the right thing. I've always been the struggling girl - the one who needed help from her brothers and sisters in Christ. I've always been the one who needed encouragement... needed someone to come along side of me and help me out. I don't really know how much I've been the one who sets the example. Being the example to someone is really new to me, and sometimes I think I'm not doing a very good job. I don't know when to speak and when not to speak. I don't know how to show someone I care, and share with them what I'm feeling without shoving my opinions down their throat. Although I really don't think I do that?? Lord - I need help! Help me show Your love, Your grace, Your mercy... because I know how wonderful it is... I know how amazing it can be... and how big of a difference it can make. It has definitely made a huge difference in my life and gave me the desire to want to know you better. I thank you for all the people you have placed in my life who have made such an impact on me... they have shown me your love in more ways than one, and I am so grateful. I just hope I can make even a fraction of that impact on the people around me. You are all powerful, all merciful, mighty God. I know you have a plan and a purpose for everything. Just use me the best way you need to. Help me to see your way. I love you Lord. And I need you right now... more than ever...

i am not...

I sit here as if I can transfer my tears onto the computer. As if, the words that flow from my fingers will heal the pain that is always brushing the surface. The feelings I push down, hide from the view of others, making sure it appears like they don't exist. Here I am, surrounded by chaos and people I have only known for a few months, and I am thankful for them - but they're not the ones I want to run to. They are not my people. They are not my shoulder to cry on. They are not my comfort, my shelter, my strength. I guess its been here that I've had to realize that the only one who is with me all the time, who is all those things, is Jesus. And I'm clinging, so tightly, but I know I'm gonna fall. I always do - we all do. I just wish I had my people here, sometimes its so hard not to have the people around you who know you the best, who understand you when you're at your worst, who aren't going to judge for acting like a complete freak over something that really isn't such a big deal in the end. I want to be able to cry and not feel like I have to hide it. I want to let it all out. I want to have a break down. I want to scream.

I am not strong. In truth, I am doing a lot better spiritually then I have been for a long time, but I'm still struggling. I miss my Aunt, every day... and as the days get closer to it being one year with her gone, it seems like I can feel the pain rising back up as strong as it was right after it happened. I can't even believe its been a year. I can't believe she's been gone that long. I don't want to be that long. I want to remember her being here - and I feel like as time goes by the clarity of certain moments is starting to fade in my mind. The pain subsides - but it never, ever goes away. I go days without thinking about it, or if I do its fine, but then one day comes and so do the tears. I have a picture of her above my desk and I look at it and imagine seeing her again - just like that. I continue to get older, but she will always remain the way she was. I will always remember as the way she was then...

I like to pretend I'm over things, that I really should of been over a long time ago. I have a hard time letting go. I like to believe in second chances. That maybe it was I who did something wrong, and maybe I'll get another chance to prove I'm worth it. I hate not knowing what could of been. But I guess where I am now is what was supposed to have been. I just hate that sometimes. I like to pretend I don't care. I stay silent when I really should speak up and say - "hey what you're doing is really bothering me," but I don't. I did last week, twice actually, and stopped talking to me for a few days. I guess though its better to stick up for what you think then stay silent. I just got to do it. See what I mean - I'm not strong.

Its true when my friends say I'm emotional. I am. I'm definitely not ashamed of it though - its the way I am, its the way God created me. And its helped to create a lot of sweet stories/poems/etc! But sometimes it is frustrating. Sometimes I feel stupid for crying for no reason, for sitting at my computer listening to music and all of sudden starting to bawl. It comes when I don't even expect it. Sometimes its a few tears, sometimes its many. Its just the way I am. Its part of the way I deal with things, just as typing this out to read later is another way. Tears and words make me feel better, and so does some good soothing music, and maybe some chocolate. lol. but.

I am not strong. I do not have it all together, no matter how much it may appear that I do. No matter how many right decisions I make, there is probably at least one mistake or wrong decision to go along with it. I am not perfect. I am human. And I am living in a world where its a constant battle to stay on your feet. And thats why I'm clinging - thats why I'm holding to God. Holding fast to the one unchanging constant in my life. I would be no where on my own. I need God. I need my family. I need my friends. I am a needy person. And I'm okay with that. For I am beautifully and wonderfully made - I know that full well (imperfections and all)

Remember

These moments are merely memories
Etched into my brain,
Entertaining my thoughts,
time and time again.
I grasp ahold of them with force,
Fearful of forgetting a single detail.

A moment as simple -
as the bread and butter on the table
I was young and carefree
Monopoly board laid out
Oldies music on the radio.
Snow fell fast outside
And the air was cold -
hard to breathe in.
We laughed together,
joking, talking, smiling.
You were a hero in my eyes,
A home away from home.
I lived for weekends such as
these; comforted in your arms

Repitition gives way to clearful recongition,
and this is all I ask.
That your memory remain -
In my mind.
In my thoughts.
In my heart.
For even though you are gone,
You will continue to live on,
In my past, in my present, and
In my future.

Porcelain Prayer

She prays to the porcelain gods,
After every meal,
At every opportunity.
Her face is pale and her cheeks,
Are sunken in,
Her bones visible through her shirt.
She is crying.
Damn near close to dying.
If tears and love could heal her –
She would be free.
But her hope drains,
As the tears stream down her face.
All she knows is what she is.
A girl who is unhappy.
A girl with an addiction.
A girl who is unwilling to change.
No one can help her.
We sit here
Waiting
Waiting
Waiting…
For her to reach out and grab hold –
Of the ones who love her.
We are praying,
Wanting to save her.
Oh if only…
She is damn near breaking.
Porcelain shattered across the floor.

Semester 2

Psalm 138: 1 - 8

I will give thanks to you with all my heart.
I will make music to praise you in front of false gods.
I will bow toward your holy temple.
I will give thanks to your name because of your mercy and truth.
You have made your name and your promise greater than everything.

When I called, you answered me.
You made me bold by strengthening my soul.
All the kings of the earth will give thanks to you, O Lord,
because they have heard the promises you spoke.
They will sing this about the ways of the Lord:
"The Lord's honor is great!"
Even though the Lord is high above, he sees humble people close up,
and he recognizes arrogant people from a distance.

Even though I walk into the middle of trouble,
you guard my life against the anger of my enemies.
You stretch out your hand,
and your right hand saves me.
The Lord will do everything for me.
O Lord, your mercy endures forever.
Do not let go of what your hands have made.

This week marks the beginning of my second semester of college. Wow, thats scary to think about - crazy to think I've come this far already. I have to say it goes by fast. A lot faster than I thought it would. I think I've changed a little, I mean how can you not when you're surrounded by completely new things and new people. New experiences and responsibilties... well lets just say the possibilities are endless. I think I'm gonna learn a lot this semester. Already from my classes I know I'm gonna be working really hard to accomplish why I'm here. But there is more to life than academics. More like the reason why I'm here at all...

God created me. There is no other way to say it then to THANK Him for all He has done for me. And I can't even begin to tell you about His mercy. I will try - because from experience, I can tell you that its one of the most amazing things I have ever been given. Cuz the truth is - I mess up. A LOT. like kinda more than A LOT actually. my life is full of mistakes. I have this pattern of doing the same thing twice... or more. Like, yea I know this got me in trouble/hurt me before but heck lets do it again. Stupid huh? Yea. It is. But the amazing thing is GOD LOVES ME ANYWAYS. And I can't even comprehend that sometimes, because sometimes I beat myself up so much about my choices or the way I handle certain situations and I don't know how He could still love me. But He does...

God's word is full of promises and lessons. Encouraging words that speak to me. Tonight this passage spoke to me, especially the last seven lines. Let me personalize it for you, and tell you why I think this is gonna mean a lot to me this semester.

I live in the midst of trouble. Among people who are constantly trying to get me to do things that honestly - sometimes I want to give in to. I know how to say no, and I can so no. But time after time I can feel the force behind my voice began to wary. I am surrounded by things of this world. And thats a really tough place to be. But guess what?
God guards me against the people threatening to bring me down. I might feel like I'm alone, but in reality, there is something much bigger than me working against them. Inside there is God saying - Kari is that really what you want to do?? THINK ABOUT IT. Anger only last so long. The things you deal with inside your heart and the choices you make - well those feelings last a lot longer.
God has saved me. God has given me a choice. He has given me something to live for other than the things in this world. He has given me HOPE. When it comes down to it, life is not about the clothes you wear, what "cool" people you associate with, how many parties you go to, how many realtionships you've had. what matters is living for God and being an influence to the people around you - and let me tell you i am TRYING. and I'm not gonna sit here and tell you that its easy. cuz its definitely IS NOT. I mess up all the time. But I want to grow. and I want to get closer to Him. and I believe in His promises. and thats what matters
the Lord is here to help me. and i'm gonna let Him.
His mercy will never end. and I am so grateful for that. because no matter how much we want to be the perfect christians and lead our lives with this godly example for everyone else to see... we can't. we're humans. and we're going to sin. and we're going to make mistakes. but God is gonna love us anyways. as long as we keep coming back to Him and His word...

HE IS NOT GOING TO LET ME GO.

someone's story.

We think we're invincible, and that our world will never fall apart. We defy every rule we've ever been given, and when nothing happens - we do it again. We are destructive. We hurt others, hurt ourselves, put our lives in jepoardy and make life-altering decisions that we can never erase, never be rid of. We brush our mistakes aside and tell ourselves they will never happen again. We look at the bad things that happen to other people and think - wow that sucks, but that would never happen to me, or any of my friends. Yes, we think we're invincible, but then it happens to us.

It was in the middle of the first semester just as the leaves were beginning to change color and the air became to smell like autumn. Crisp leaves fell and scents of cinnamon and pumpkin spice begin to welcome in the Thanksgiving season. The weather was colder but not harsh enough to bite your skin. Perfect running weather, and great for football season. Everyone was anxious for break to come around, for many it had been months since they had seen they're closest friends. Just a couple more weeks and then we would all be home. Or so we thought.

I got the call on Tuesday morning: 9:05 A.M. It was her Aunt Lindsey and I remember her voice calm but soft. I had never met her before, or heard her voice, but I could tell from her first, "Hi is this Angie?" that something was wrong. I responded with a yes and asked who was calling. She told me who she was and then simply said: Holly is gone. At first I was confused... of course she was gone. Gone away to the University of California, but she would be back for thanksgiving, I had talked to her just a couple days ago. But then her voice had continued: She killed herself last night. The funeral is going to be on Friday. I know it would be a lot to Dan and Kathleen if you could be there. I'm so sorry to be the bearer of bad news. I sat there silent. And all I could say was, of course. And then I hung up the phone. My roommate looked at me and asked me who had called. I couldn't say a word. I grabbed my phone and walked out of the room. Down the hall to the lounge I opened the door and sat on the couch. I was alone and unable to comprehend what I had just been told.

Things like that don't happen to us. Not to our group of friends. Never. It couldn't be true... it just couldn't. So many suicides had taken place in our town while we were in high school. We had all sworn up and down we could never do something like that to the people we loved. We had all agreed how selfish it was. We had all sat in disbelief and then we had moved on with our lives. We had been happy. We had had some of the greatest times anyone could ask for. High school was the time of our lives - filled with fun, parties, tears, laughter, relationships, break-ups, and most of all the comfort that we had each other. And that we always would.

And now she was gone. What else could I do? I got on my phone and started calling them all. Hunter. Kyle. Wes. Lance. Jeremy. Kristin. Courtney. Whitney. Morgan. Dori. Stace. Pete. Many of their reactions turned out to be similar to my own. We couldn't talk about it. It didn't make sense. And it was just too strange and unacceptable to talk about right then. All we knew is that we were all gonna be at that funeral. There was no other option. We were going to see each other sooner than we had planned. But she wasn't going to be there...

I guess we're not invincible. And the things that you think aren't going to happen to you - well thats not always the case. Bad things happen to good people, even though they're not supposed to. The world shoudn't work like that, but it does. The world is a messed up place filled with depression, rage, anger, abuse, suicide, death, hurt, pain, and heartache. The sooner you accept the fact that you're not invincible, and neither are the people around you, the better you're going to survive. We have to cope with unexpected, and we have to do it with love, care, and patience. We have to take as many steps as we can to make this world a better place. But not by thinking we're invincible and defying all the rules. We have to do it by embracing those we love and showing them we're always gonna be there - no matter what. This world is a crappy place - but hand in hand, we can make it great.

all we have is now

all we have is now. nobody knows how many 'tomorrows' they have left. nobody knows what is going to happen in the future. but you can control the here and now. so don't wait till tomorrow. for tomorrow may not come. dont' say you'll do it later... because chances are you will forget. or chicken out. if something comes across your mind chances are its important. so do something about it. don't sit and wonder 'what if' this and 'what if' that...

if you have something to say to someone - then say it. if you sit and think about it, its just going to get harder to do. if someone is slipping away from you - pull them back. don't think they will come back when they're ready, because a lot of times they leave and they don't come back. if someone is important enough to you: fight for them. if they have made a difference in your life, make a difference in theirs. show them they mean something. too many times people slip away because we are too afraid of our feelings. too afraid of laying it out on the line... life is too short to play it safe.

you have to take risks if you are ever going to get anywhere in life. and what better time than right now. all we have is now. if an opportunity is in front of you grab it. because you have no idea if its going to come around again. that job. that once in a lifetime trip. that opportunity you've been dying for. that special someone you just can't seem to get off your mind. that college that might be a little more money than you planned for - but has always been your dream to attend.

run away. say what you want to say. write something. accomplish your dreams. dare to achieve more than you ever thought possible. travel the world. play music. sing your heart out. do something spontaneous. love with all your heart. don't hold back. don't play it safe. give everything your absolute all and live without regrets. learn from your mistakes. move on and try again. make a difference. smile. appreciate the small things in life. give and expect nothing in return. thank God for the gifts He has given you - and use them.

we don't know when our time will come. when someone will walk out of our lives. how long we have to grasp an opportunity. all we have is now. don't waste it.

it hurts

it was a beautiful spring day and there he was. walking happily along the sidewalk towards her holding a card in his hand. he smiled as he came nearer. she smiled back. she had never felt so happy. he reached her and gave her a hug. she felt his arms around her and never wanted to let go. with him she felt comfortable and safe - two things she never wanted to take for granted, and she never wanted to lose.

they said hello and began walking together enjoying the nice weather, breathing in the scents of spring and of each other. he was enjoying the day so much that he almost forgot about the card in his hand. he looked down at it and sighed. she noticed and looked up at him. he smiled and told her they should find someplace to sit. she agreed.

up ahead was a small wooden park bench. it looked ancient and barely sturdy enough to hold the both of them. it was cracked and more than bits of it were missing from its structure. how many people had sat before them and enjoyed its relaxtion. how many conversations had this small bench heard? oh if only things could talk. for there would be no doubt some insight could be shown on what was about to happen.

they sat down. she reached for his hand and instead of holding hers he simply handed her the card. she looked at him confused. "just read it." he said. she nodded and opened it slowly.

' you have meant more to me than you will ever know. you have been my friend. my love. my everything. you have touched me in ways i don't even think you realize. i remember moments with you that probably might have been insignificant in your eyes - but to me they meant the world. even though we never dated i just want you to know that i care about you more than a lot of people. more than other girls. you are an amazing person and i just want you to know that. i am sorry that this has to end (know that ending this is one of the hardest things i have ever had to do). but the truth of the matter is - its not our time. maybe some day down the road we will have our chance... but if not i just need you to know you have made a difference in my life. i will always remember every way you impacted my life. thank you for everything. i hope that we will still be able to be friends. i love you...'

she couldn't say a word. instead she gave him a hug. she didn't want to let go. and neither did he but she had to. she stood up from the bench. it seemed to sigh for her as she stood. and then she turned and walked away. she never let him see her tears. he wasn't worth it. some say its better to have love and lost than never to have loved at all... but that hurt inside of her was unbearable. she would never forget him... but she wasn't sure she would ever be able to really let him go. perhaps she would never feel his arms around her again, but in some way or another she would always feel him touching her heart.

holding on

the truth of the matter is - i have a problem letting things go. or rather - i hold on to things when they are out of my control. unchangeable. and undeserving of my tears. the thing is - i'm not very good at getting past the things that have hurt me. because i'm one of those people that want explanations for things. its hard to move forward when you have all these unanswered questions. and even if there was a reason for something to happen sometimes that reason just isn't good enough. sometimes you just want more. something else to ease to the pain. words that make it better - make it bearable. and when those words don't come... its hard to let go.

more than that - its hard to let go of situations and circumstances that seem to keep repeating themselves. its one thing to lose something once but when it happens over and over again you just start to get tired... and thats what i am: i'm tired. i am tired of wondering why i never seem to be good enough. because the truth is - i know i am. i have to be. because the day i stop believing i am good enough is the day i lose all hope. and if i let that happen - i'm gonna end up being someone i really don't want to be. but i'm having a hard time keeping my head above water. everytime you get pushed under you come back up... but after awhile your arms get tired and the fight you had inside to spring up with full force gets weaker. you keep coming up but the breaths you take in get smaller.

i have to keep breathing. i know that. breathing. living. praying... holding on to the one i know is never gonna let me go. i think thats what i find most comforting about God's love. is that He does believe i'm good enough. its really hard to think that when He allows us to get hurt... but its true. although its frustrating sometimes trying to understand why He lets things happen the way they do. why He brings people into our lives and then takes them away again. His will and timing are perfect but we have a really hard time seenig that don't we? i know i do. even now i know that there is a reason He allowed some of the things in my life to happen but i have no clue what those reasons are.

because living in this messed up world it doesn't really make sense why He would take away things or people that make us happy. why He would allow things to happen that bring us down so much that we aren't sure how we will ever make it through...

a boy let me down yesterday.
you think people are never going to hurt you and then they do. and its a part of life that will always be there. people are gonna let you down, its a fact. but as you grow up and change how you handle that disappointment changes. a year ago the exact same thing happened to me. and a year ago. i cried. i didn't understand why. and i didn't know how i was gonna move on. but i did. cuz a year later i am hurting again - but its someone else. so at least i know i'm gonna be okay. that i'm gonna be able to move on. but you know whats different this time?

i can't help thinking about my aunt. and how she isn't here anymore. you don't know what its really like to 'lose someone' until someone you love dies. its probably one of the most painful things you could ever experience. people that hurt you - well you might have another chance along the road. and you will eventually forgive them and move on. but people that pass away... they will always leave an empty place in your heart that you never really get back. you can remember the good times. hold onto the memories. and be happy that they were in your life - but things are never the same without them. and as much as i know God had a reason for taking her home to Him - i will never understand why. at times like these... i just really miss her. and thats the truth.

its hard for me to let go of things. and its even harder for me to understand God's will. but i know one thing - you have to hold on to the people you care about. you have to treasure every moment you spend with them, even when they hurt you. even when they push you under that water and you don't know how you're going to reach the surface... because at the end of the day, they're the ones that matter. they're the ones that make you who you are. they're the ones who have been there for you - and will continue to be there for you. you never know when you are gonna lose someone you care about. someone you love. so you can't leave room for regrets. you have to chose to forgive. cuz lifes to short to hold on to all the pain...