destination anywhere.

somebody help me get out of this place. i don't feel like i belong here. i have cried way too much in the past couple weeks. this is supposed to be a break from the stresses. this is supposed to be a time of year full of joy, and fa la la's.

too many words that confuse what I say. i have such an easy time putting words on the page. i have no problem ranting about how i feel to this screen. words come easy from my fingertips. my mouth however, seems to have a complication. i don't know how to say what i really mean. and so instead, i decide to hold it in... i choose to say nothing at all. because its easier to pretend. i hate having to explain. because when i feel the way i feel right now, it always ends the same. me - blubbering. crying. feeling like an idiot. i don't like hurting people's feelings. i hate confrontations. i hate getting mad. so instead i choose to ignore things. until they really get bad enough to say something. i deal with it on my own... that's just the way i am.

give me the keys to get out of this box. i am trapped. surrounded by unanswered questions. at the most inopportune time of year. i miss my aunt. so incredibly much. its hard to get excited about christmas anymore... i still like it, its just not the same. instead of looking forward to it, its just a reminder that she isn't here. she won't be sharing it with us. that i have to make cut-out cookies by myself, instead of with her... like we always did, how it should still be. my mom brought out a picture the other night - christmas when i gave her this book i wrote about her, everything i loved about her. i just started crying. i want her back. so much. and on top of that, i don't know where i belong. i am surrounded by choices, and no answers. i don't know how to deal with things. i don't feel like being around people. i can't run. i feel like i'm losing the things that are important to me.

I can’t help myself right now. there is a looming future in front of me, and i just want to hide in the corner and never come out. i want to keep all the good things about my life. i want to hold on to my family. and the few friends who actually mean something to me. and i don't want anything to change. i want to change. i want to grow. but i need those people to stay with me. i don't feel like i can lose anything else right now... i don't know how i would deal with it. and i'm so afraid something is going to come crashing down on me. seems like when you're at the bottom, you just tend to fall even harder. i'm trying. but i just want to disappear. destination anywhere?

[italics credited to sugarcult - destination anywhere]