forgotten flower.

i want to understand. i want to know where my life is supposed to go from here. where am i supposed to go to school next year? how am i going to get through next semester... i need a job. i need to feel reassurance. i need to know i'm doing okay. i need someone to tell me i'm making a difference. i need to know that i'm on the right path. i want to write. i want to spend my money getting a degree in something i enjoy. is that wrong? no, i don't know where i will work. no, i don't know if i will receive health benefits. no, i don't know how i am going to pay for everything. i always said, one day at time... but now i'm getting worried. i want to know why God is taking away one of the things that help me deal with stress. especially now when i have so much of it. i need to run. that's all i know. it's all i've ever done. and now - waiting for a year? maybe longer? maybe never again??! i can't deal with that. i don't know how. i need people to answer their phones when i need them. like why isn't there some magical power that says - this phone call is very important. instead of not answering, and not calling me back. i just need to know i'm worth the call. just please. i want to know why - people don't call me. invite me when i call, after plans have already been made, but not before. why? don't i belong. and if not, then where do i belong. i constantly ask myself that question. please God, help me! i have lost you. i have lost myself. i have lost all sense of direction. who am i? and does anyone even care.. do i even care... i want to know i'm beautiful. i want someone to tell me i mean something. i want to feel. right now i'm just numb. and i'm just dealing with it. stuffing it all inside. who am i to deserve more. i start crying. i lose my happiness. and i get blamed for being mad. i'm just upset. with life. with myself. with everything. the people. the lies. the constant charade. i want more. i want answers. i want to feel complete. i want to be confident again. i don't know anything right now.