summer sun and an aching heart.

wish someone would have told me that coming back home for the summer was going to be utterly amazing, and hard as hell - all at once. being around the same people i have always known is comforting, but at the same time it brings up a lot of emotions. and sometimes i have a hard time controlling them, and focusing on what is really important instead of all the things my heart is feeling. emotions i thought i had under control, or had moved past, seem to come back to me full force and i really don't know why. its frustrating, its as if being around the people i love the most also brings to me the feelings that are the hardest to deal with.

being around my family - especially during the summer - makes me miss my aunt a heck of a lot more than when i'm back in kato. she and my uncle always used to come out for bbq's, for walks, to play cards with all of us, to watch a movie, to go hiking, or drive up to hill city for dinner. etc. etc. it still feels like she should be here, as a huge part of our lives - and she's not. and that hurts. my mom expresses to me a lot how much she misses her and that such makes it harder. we watch movies about people dying of cancer, and i have to get up and leave the house immediately after because i don't want to cry in front of them. i don't want to talk about it with them, because i know i will just get to see how much they are hurting too and that will break my heart even more. i miss karen. i miss her so god damn much that sometimes i don't know what to do - other than cry. and cry hard. the tears just have to fall sometimes...

being home makes me want a boyfriend. i don't know why - maybe because i see the boys i have always loved to be around and i just want to know where one of the good ones are for me to have to myself. or maybe because some of my friends are in relationships, and seeing someone so god damn happy makes me jealous, sad, and angry all at the same time. i want someone to love me. i want someone to cherish me, and know that i deserve so much more than all of the guys in my past. i guess thats what hurts the most - is wondering whether i am ever going to mean something more - more than just a hook-up, more than just a fling, more than just a pretty girl who most likely will say yes - because i'm lonely. i'm alone. and unfortuanately, my sexual desires are strong. always have been, always will be - and i'm afraid sometimes that that gets me into trouble.

here - i tend to forget about God. i don't make enough effort to make Him a priority, because its as if i have more important things to do. places to go. people to see. trouble to make. fun to have. i don't like my parents church. crossroads doesn't really do anything for me. and being as how i am only here for a few months - it seems pointless to go church hunting. not to mention i only have every other sunday off. liz and i are supposed to be doing a bible study, but both of our hearts are struggling right now... we just need to do it, cuz i know we both are craving the way we used to feel. i was doing SO good at the end of the school year - seeking God in everything, and i felt so close to Him. and now i don't even know where He is. i don't even know how to get back to that place - and i just feel so completley lost.

don't get me wrong. i'm having an AMAZING summer. i love my friends and i don't know what i would do without them. we do crazy things. stay out till all hours of the morning. go to the lake. go for bike rides at one am. movies. shopping. hiking - all over the place. i'm having a blast, and i don't want it to end anytime soon. but there are just parts of my heart that are aching for something more, and i'm having a hard time dealing with that... and knowing where to look. :(