Light the Flame.

"How strange that the young should always think the world is against them - when in fact that is the only time it is for them." -Mignon McLaughlin

Now we have the world at our fingertips. There is a fire inside of us that screams to be invincible, to rise above and test the boundaries. In everything we do we long to take risks. Sometimes we realize that this might mean we will fail, land flat on our faces. But, in the face of the future, it doesn't matter. All that matters is that we try. That we follow through with our ideas, our dreams, our goals, despite how they appear to those around us. It is the risks that make us individuals. It is the act of stepping into unknown water that builds our character. And when people tell us we can't do something - that gives us all the more reason to do it, to try it again and again until we succeed. This is the beginning of the rest of our lives. As our college years dwindle to less than half, we suddenly are grasping at straws to stay where we are. To be allowed to remain young - somewhat irresponsible and without rule. To stay immersed in the world of knowledge and learning. To expand our minds and test our beliefs. We say we want to grow up, but in a few years we will be looking back wishing for today. Today is now. Today is your chance, your opportunity to do anything you want. Take a risk. Step outside of the box. Do something out of the ordinary. Maybe it will be an unsuccessful attempt; or maybe, it will be beginning of something extraordinary. Life is yours for the taking. So don't sit back and watch it pass you by. Here comes the rest of our lives. Endless possibility awaits. People we have yet to encounter, dreams we have yet to conquer, and places we have yet to explore. Who knows where we will be ten years from now, or rather, if we will still be around. Life is too short to argue over the petty things, to cause drama. Life is too short to wait for tomorrow. Live for today. Live for yourself - whatever that may mean. Each person is different. But inside every one of us there is a fire burning. Burning to make a difference and to try something new. Don't let that fire burn out - ignite the flame in the hearts of others. Let us be a generation that burns bright.

24 things for 24 boys.

There are 24 boys that I have at least "made-out" with in my life. I would say that not even half of that number knew, or knows, who I really am. I'm not saying that these are bad guys, not by any means (even though I have had some assholes in my day). In fact a lot of them are amazing guys. But - I'm saying that sometimes we let people connect with us physically when they don't even know us. So in light of that, I thought I would write 24 things that I bet only a handful of these boys know about me, or rather, that maybe few people know about me. Just a few little things. :) To share more about who I am.

1. First – my first real kiss with tongue was playing spin-the-bottle, and the boy left a ring of saliva around my mouth. Not good. That same night I spent an enjoyable amount of time making out with boy 2. I had imagined saving my first kiss for someone that meant something to me… Fail.
2. One of my biggest fears is choking, especially when I’m by myself. My dad has had to save my life twice and I’m scared that someday it’s going to happen and no one is going to be around to save me. Thus, one of the reasons why I purposely neglect to take my daily vitamins.
3. I have a stuffed teddy named “Bear Bear” that I’ve had since I was 18 months old… I am now almost 21 and I still fall asleep holding him.
4. I more or less have the movie Pearl Harbor memorized, line by line. And it still makes me cry – 9 times out of 10.
5. I am very self-conscious about my stomach. I’ve never had abs and I’m sure I never will, but no matter how skinny people tell me I am I still have a huge issue with my stomach. It makes me feel fat, even when I know I’m not.
6. I like snow. I love Christmas. I like winter. But, I prefer summer.
7. I love doing laundry. I like to vacuum. And I don’t mind dusting. But I HATE doing the dishes. There will be a dishwasher in my future home, and 95% of everything will go in there if I have anything to say about it.
8. I don’t like wearing socks, at all. They bother me. I will wear them in the winter, in my running shoes etc. But as soon as I’m home they come off. They make my feet feel claustrophobic.
9. I don’t really like pop. But if I had to choose – Sprite is soothing. Pepsi over Diet Pepsi, and Diet Coke over Coke.
10. I am Christian. But it’s more than that – I love Jesus and my faith in Him is by far the most important thing in my life, even if I fail to show that. He is the only constant “man” in my life and He loves me unconditionally no matter what. His grace never ends… I want to live for Him. And I want Him to be at the center of my future marriage. I want to fall in love with a man who loves God. I fail time and time again, at putting Him first – but that’s what my heart wants.
11. I am obsessed with pictures and quotes. I love taking pictures. Looking at pictures. Framing pictures. Capturing the moments when I’m happy, with people who made me that way. And quotes have a way of lifting my spirits, giving me a little bit of hope or encouragement. I look for quotes online, and save them :)
12. I used to be a vodka girl, but now I’m a beer girl, through and through. I could contribute that to having too much fun with vodka or spending the majority of my drinking days around boys – but either way, I love beer.
13. I’m lucky enough to have an amazing family. Not one of those ones that you dread getting together, but one in which I’m sad every time I miss out on an occasion. My parents are incredible beyond belief, my brother is quiet but has a great heart, and my extended family loves me, and not just because they have to. I love my family.
14. I’m a sucker for chick-flicks and cute romantic novels. I know I’m an English major and I’m supposed to have more intellectual tastes, but Nicholas Sparks still makes me smile in a simple way and The Notebook gets me every time.
15. I can’t sleep in pants, or long sleeve shirts. If forced (extremely cold, or in the event that I pass out in what I’m wearing… ha.), I will obviously. But in normal circumstances – no way. Shorts/Underwear and a T-shirt/Tank Top. That’s it folks.
16. I love running. I have always been a runner, and hopefully I will always be a runner. It makes me feel good, it’s fun, and it relieves my stress. There something about having a good run that no other exercise can come close to.
17. I prefer small coffee huts/café’s over Starbucks, or Dunn Bros, or Caribou or any of the other big coffee brands. I think they have better coffee – and also care more about the people rather than the business. Oh, and I’m addicted to coffee, seriously.
18. Green is my favorite color.
19. I have kept a blog for the past 6ish years of my life, and I bet only 10 people I know knew that. I didn’t tell anyone. It was my secret, especially this one. But recently, I posted the addy on Facebook – so now if someone runs across it so be it, I write for myself, not for other people.
20. I like to bake; I don’t really like to cook. Or maybe, I just don’t have enough practice…
21. I do care about getting physical with someone. Despite the drunken make-outs and the pointless “hook-ups,” I care. Sure, I think it can be fun but at the end of the day, I’m still the girl who wants the fairy tale. I’m still the girl who wants to be cherished, and loved, and appreciated – not used. And so, I care.
22. Music heals the soul. True story.
23. I’m easily pleased. I don’t need fancy things. Give me a beautiful day amongst nature with the people I love and I will be perfectly fine.
24. I like my bed against the wall. And I usually sleep facing towards it. And even in the summer I like a lot of covers on my bed. A sheet and a comforter won’t do. I need more to feel safe. To be comfortable.

on your side...

i want to write now, but i can't. it might come later but for now i just thought i would share where my hearts been the last couple days. this song has been on repeat, and right now its bringing me tears. so i thought i would just share the lyrics :)

On Your Side - Graham Colton

I'm not asking for forever, And I don't need much of your time, I know we can't be together, but you should know I'm on your side. Its where I'll always be... Its alright for you to be scared, I'll drive all night, I'll go anywhere. If someday our stars don't align, We'll go our own ways, You should know I'm always on your side. Could I have treated you better, something else I could have tried. I don't have to be the one you dream about, But you should know I'm on your side, It's where I've always been. It's alright for you to be scared, I'll drive all night, I'll go anywhere. If someday our stars don't align, We'll go our own ways, You should know I'm always on your side. I don't know where you are, but I know where you've been, You're just a small town girl, You didn't care about nothing... I don't know where to start, But I hope that it ends up with you, Being happy wherever you are forever... I'm not asking for forever, And I don't need much of your time. Its alright for you to be scared, I'll drive all night, I'll go anywhere, If someday our stars don't align, We'll go our own ways, You should know it's always... It's alright for you to be scared, I"ll stay up all night, I won't go anywhere...

wrap your arms around me.

there have been a handful of moments in my life where i've fallen asleep next to a man, but i remember every one of them vividly: falling asleep next to someone i cared about deeply in that hotel room, still clothed. or the boy with the basement bedroom, only because it felt good to be wanted. drunken nights - crashing next to the friends, the interests, the unexplainable. or sleeping over for a few hours, not wanting to leave, just wanting to prolong the moment as long as we could... we all always have an excuse to get closer. to be closer.

there is something comforting about another person next to you in the dark, skin on skin, hands clasped together. the faint breath against your neck. knowing you are not alone. fingertips making their way across your body. soft kisses on your cheek. feet on feet, making each other warm. those arms telling you without words, that you're safe. no one is going to harm you. here in this bed, in this moment, someone cares. or perhaps not even touching, but just lying next to someone. and knowing that inches away from you lies another human being. and somehow, you're connected, even if not by a physical touch. you are together in this moment. and you fall asleep knowing that you are not alone.

looking back now, i recall how safe i felt during those times. and in one of those moments, i realized something. this is how it is supposed to be. spending your life next to someone night after night, the comfort of lying there side by side. when someone really cares about you, loves you, they will want to spend all of thier nights holding you. end all of their days with you in their arms. and i can't wait for that. to fall asleep knowing the person next to me isn't going anywhere. and that when morning comes, it will be another beginning to a day that will end just the same...

everyone needs someone. as strong as we like to pretend we are, and as much as we brag that single is the way to go, deep down we still all want someone. that is how we were created. woman from man. woman for man. together creating a perfect union. we weren't meant to be alone. and so deep within us there is this longing, this calling, to find someone. someone to hold us in the dark. night after night. to be there at the end of the day. and so, perhaps a lot of us are still waiting for the "one". but that doesn't mean we don't have needs, or desires. i lied before... when i said love was not necessary to survive. everyone needs love. "all we need is love". unconditional love. and until we find that... maybe, someone next to us to let us know its going to be okay every now and then, that we are not alone.

do you know i cry?

"The courage of life is a magnificent mixture of triumph and tragedy. A man does what he must, in spite of personal consequences, in spite of obstacles and dangers and pressures. And that is the basis of all morality". - John F. Kennedy

There are moments in our lives in which we are weak. Moments in which we are at the bottom of our game, the bottom of our hole. And even if it doesn't appear that way to anyone else, we feel it. Inside ourselves there is a lack of desire, a feeling of inadequacy, a wounded heart, lies that tell us we will never be okay again. In these moments we lose sight of who we are, and instead are overwhelmed with the pressures against us - begging us to fail. waiting for our defeat. hoping that we will give up. But it is in these moments of weakness that we are given the choice to rise up and be strong. We break so we can heal. We crawl so we can run. We die so we can live. We cry so we can laugh. We fall so we can stand. We drown so we can breathe. And then we arise, stronger than we were yesterday. Ready to face what lies ahead. Sometimes, it may only be gradually, and in others we are ready to defy all obstacles head on.

In those moments of weakness its hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Cleaning out my email account today, I stumbled across some emails I had saved from what seems like another lifetime. And in them I found remnants of who I was. A young girl, overly emotional, scared, willing to let anyone in who cared to listen simply because she needed to be heard. I was that girl, tearful, depressed, cry herself to sleep, kind of girl. And few would have known it, I like to label it "closet emo", my true unhappiness hidden from the rest of the world, pretending to be something I wasn't. But the truth was, I was anything but strong. I clung to the people around me for support, felt like dying if they let me down, if they weren't there to break my fall. At the time, my life seemed like chaos and confusion - a pattern of dissapointment. At the time, I remember feeling helpless. But looking back on it now, reliving bits and pieces as I read through those emails today, is the picture of a girl I barely know - barely recognize. And thats because I am stronger today than I was than. I have risen above. I have found myself. I have found my voice. I have learned to rely on God instead of the people around me. Not to say that I still don't count on my closest friends to be there for me, but the relationships I have are healthy and honest.

I'm not saying that I'm "healed", no longer prone to failure. I'm not saying that I don't have moments of weakness. As a matter of fact, I had one today. I got home from Bible Study and just sat and cried for a good ten minutes. But the thing is, thats okay. Its okay to cry. Its okay to get upset. Its okay to experience hurt. frustration. disappointment. confusion. But learning to deal with it is where the strength comes in. You can't dwell on all the things going wrong in your life... because chances are you have a lot more to be thankful for. You have to face things head on. Learn to confront them, and deal with them in the way you see fit. Whether thats talking to a friend, writing it down, pouring it out to God, or simply allowing yourself to cry and take a deep breath. We must do what we can to get through this crazy life. But we must believe that we are capable of enduring whatever it throws at us. That we are strong enough to conquer, and that we have what it takes to survive.

When we allow things to eat at us, when we push them to the back of our minds and pretend as if they don't matter - we create a veil between us and others. A veil that seperates us from experiencing the fullness of life. And inside us builds this growing amount of anger - that paper cuts our hearts. We lose our sense of curiosity, our willingness to take risks, to experience peace, to have open communication, and to be able to trust other people. When we feel weak... we are not only lying to ourselves, but we are lying to the people around us. We have to confront our fears, our obstacles, the things that threaten to break us. We have to be williing to say, "I am poor and needy, and my heart is wounded within me" (Psalm 109:22). Only then will we be able to heal. Only then will we be able to breathe, to live, to laugh. Only then will we be able to find joy again.

you'll be in my heart.

"Grief comes in its own time for everyone, in its own way. So the best we can do, the best anyone can do, is try for honesty. The really crappy thing, the worst part of grief, is that you can't control it. The best we can do is try to let ourselves feel it when it comes, and let it go when you can. The very worst part, is the minute you think you're past it, it starts all over again. And always, every time, it takes your breath away..." - Grey's Anatomy [9.24.09]

It tears apart the pieces of my sanity when I least expect. Hearing an old song on the radio. Driving down the street. Sitting in my apartment, eating a piece of potato bread. Something as simple as buying tea at the grocery store. Sometimes it still strikes me - the sudden desire to pick up the phone and call, tell her how my day went. Tell her about my new school. About my new friends. And then realizing I can't. Because she is gone.

Other members of my family write me. Ask me how life is. How I'm doing. Tell me that they love me and are thinking of me. And still there is a hole, an absence where she should be. Cards that will never be sent, phone calls that I will never recieve. The encouraging words I wish I could still hear no longer a plausible option. My future is devoid of her presence, and as the days pass and as the months have turned into years, sometimes it still breaks me down as powerfully as before.

I sit down to watch a movie on a Sunday night, and I think of her. How much she loved the Hallmark channel on Sunday nights, always waiting to tell me what movie was going to be on. How I used to join her from time to time, and she would pop a huge batch of popcorn and put it into the old brown wooden bowl. My mom had bought her a new popper one year, but she still swore that the old one popped the best. And we would top it with more butter and salt than was probably within the healthy quota... and we would enjoy it to the last kernel.

I still have those moments. This summer I went to the Doctor for the first time in a couple years, and was given the same boring paperwork. "Just make corrections if anything has changed." Unsuspecting I leafed through the sheet, relatively standard... a checkmark here or there but nothing out of the ordinary. No life altering changes to document. Or at least that is until the last page. Emergency contact information. In case my parents happened to be occupied, who should they contact? Well there she was. Name. Phone Number. Address. I wanted to leave it like that. Like a piece of her that would forever remain. For what were the chances of them ever needing an emergency contact, my parents were always around... Its like one of those moments where you want to pretend nothing has changed. In your mind you're telling yourself leave it, but you know you can't. And so I drew one solitary line through her name. One line. No longer valid. She is gone.

I love thinking of the happy times. The memories. The years shared. The ways in which she forever changed who I am. Even if it moves me to tears. Even if it causes to me to break down after exiting the post office, simply because I just sent a card to another Aunt and not to her. Even if it forces me to think back on those moments towards the end... the face forever engrained into my brain as one that was not her own.

Thats the problem with cancer - it changes a person. It transforms them before you even know what is happening. Takes away the strength. The delicate lines become harsh and pale. Weak and barely breathing, the person is half of who you want to remember. This is not them. But it is a picture that you will never forget. That I will never forget. Cancer took away my beloved Aunt Karen. Took her away from a family that loved her unconditionally, a husband who loved her unconditionallly. Children. Brothers. Sisters. Parents. Nieces. Nephews. Friends. It gets easier sure. As time passes the pain surfaces less often. But when it does, its as real as if it happened yesterday. I miss her. I miss her everday. And its true, every time that grief hits me, it takes my breath away...

sweet relief.

can i just say, i love church. it seriously just makes my day... maybe its just recently, maybe the feeling will fade (i hope not), but recently i have really just felt challenged in church. and more than that, i have been dealing with things lately that i believe have been seperating me from being completely consumed with God. its hard to have an open and honest relationship with God when you're not being honest with yourself. if there are unresolved issues that you're not facing... that is going to seperate you from God. if you're refusing to forgive someone, or yourself... that is going to seperate you from God. if you're allowing things to be the center of your life that don't glorify God... yep, you guessed it, those things are going to seperate you from God. we're all guilty of doing it. because we're human. and things bother us. we are prideful and we have a hard time letting go. and we make mistakes. we are never going to be perfect. but it boils down to this - you have to be honest with God about your choices. about your hurt. about how you feel. its okay to feel angry, its okay to be upset, its okay to be confused, unsure, or hesitant. but you have to lay all those feelings before the Cross. you have to give them to God. because otherwise those feelings are just going to stay there... and nothing is going to come from it.

the message tonight was on forgiveness. pretty basic topic, right? i think i was taught how to forgive when i was very little... you know. someone takes a toy from you while you're playing and suddenly there is a dispute, but then its "i'm sorry." and "i forgive you." and everything is better again. well, as you grow up and situations become more complicated you realize there more beneath the surface, more that is contained in the undertones of those phrases... and sometimes we don't get an "i'm sorry". we don't get an apology. we don't get a recognition that we've been hurt. sometimes the people who hurt us are unaware of the damage they've done, or rather, don't care, or are too prideful to admit they were wrong. (yep, there comes that pride thing again... its a killer isn't it?) and when they happens we have the tendency to harbor those feelings. and inside this hate builds up. this anger. this desire to stay upset. and the only person that those feelings are hurting is ourselves...

one of the many things tonight that got to me was this:: "Jesus cancelled our debts, and forgave all of our sins... but when we don't forgive the people who have hurt us, we are putting ourself back into the bonds of sin. Forgiveness is not optional. If you want to experience God's forgiveness, you have to forgive." wow right? we have been given this free gift. God has said - "I love you, so I'm going to erase all the debt. I forgive you." and still we harbor this feelings of resentment, or hurt, towards other people because we are unwilling to forgive. more than that, for me, i think i just don't want to deal with things a lot of the time. its easier for me to just pretend to forget about things instead of facing how much they have affected me. how hurt i've been. i'm not going to go into specifics, but sitting there tonight i just felt a weight being lifted off my shoulders. in regards to something i have been dealing with for a long time, i finally was able to release some of that... to acknowledge all that pain. all that disspointment. all that hurt. all that embarassment. acknowledge it and let it go. and that doesn't mean i'm done dealing with it, but the key is to choose to forgive, over and over and over again. no matter how many times it takes.

God loves me. i know that. and in moments like these, when He speaks directly to my heart, i know that even more. He forgives me. He has given me a clean slate, again and again. He loves you too. and He has done the same for you. He is waiting for you to let Him in, deeper than you want. He's not a surface-level friend. He knows our heart, He knows our every thought, He knows our joys, and He knows our weaknesses. But its more than Him knowing, its telling Him. Its sharing. Its allowing Him to fill us. to be our most amazing friend, the One who will never hurt us. or cause us pain. :)