do you know i cry?

"The courage of life is a magnificent mixture of triumph and tragedy. A man does what he must, in spite of personal consequences, in spite of obstacles and dangers and pressures. And that is the basis of all morality". - John F. Kennedy

There are moments in our lives in which we are weak. Moments in which we are at the bottom of our game, the bottom of our hole. And even if it doesn't appear that way to anyone else, we feel it. Inside ourselves there is a lack of desire, a feeling of inadequacy, a wounded heart, lies that tell us we will never be okay again. In these moments we lose sight of who we are, and instead are overwhelmed with the pressures against us - begging us to fail. waiting for our defeat. hoping that we will give up. But it is in these moments of weakness that we are given the choice to rise up and be strong. We break so we can heal. We crawl so we can run. We die so we can live. We cry so we can laugh. We fall so we can stand. We drown so we can breathe. And then we arise, stronger than we were yesterday. Ready to face what lies ahead. Sometimes, it may only be gradually, and in others we are ready to defy all obstacles head on.

In those moments of weakness its hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Cleaning out my email account today, I stumbled across some emails I had saved from what seems like another lifetime. And in them I found remnants of who I was. A young girl, overly emotional, scared, willing to let anyone in who cared to listen simply because she needed to be heard. I was that girl, tearful, depressed, cry herself to sleep, kind of girl. And few would have known it, I like to label it "closet emo", my true unhappiness hidden from the rest of the world, pretending to be something I wasn't. But the truth was, I was anything but strong. I clung to the people around me for support, felt like dying if they let me down, if they weren't there to break my fall. At the time, my life seemed like chaos and confusion - a pattern of dissapointment. At the time, I remember feeling helpless. But looking back on it now, reliving bits and pieces as I read through those emails today, is the picture of a girl I barely know - barely recognize. And thats because I am stronger today than I was than. I have risen above. I have found myself. I have found my voice. I have learned to rely on God instead of the people around me. Not to say that I still don't count on my closest friends to be there for me, but the relationships I have are healthy and honest.

I'm not saying that I'm "healed", no longer prone to failure. I'm not saying that I don't have moments of weakness. As a matter of fact, I had one today. I got home from Bible Study and just sat and cried for a good ten minutes. But the thing is, thats okay. Its okay to cry. Its okay to get upset. Its okay to experience hurt. frustration. disappointment. confusion. But learning to deal with it is where the strength comes in. You can't dwell on all the things going wrong in your life... because chances are you have a lot more to be thankful for. You have to face things head on. Learn to confront them, and deal with them in the way you see fit. Whether thats talking to a friend, writing it down, pouring it out to God, or simply allowing yourself to cry and take a deep breath. We must do what we can to get through this crazy life. But we must believe that we are capable of enduring whatever it throws at us. That we are strong enough to conquer, and that we have what it takes to survive.

When we allow things to eat at us, when we push them to the back of our minds and pretend as if they don't matter - we create a veil between us and others. A veil that seperates us from experiencing the fullness of life. And inside us builds this growing amount of anger - that paper cuts our hearts. We lose our sense of curiosity, our willingness to take risks, to experience peace, to have open communication, and to be able to trust other people. When we feel weak... we are not only lying to ourselves, but we are lying to the people around us. We have to confront our fears, our obstacles, the things that threaten to break us. We have to be williing to say, "I am poor and needy, and my heart is wounded within me" (Psalm 109:22). Only then will we be able to heal. Only then will we be able to breathe, to live, to laugh. Only then will we be able to find joy again.