i think i... can't.

i'm supposed to go over to my aunt and uncles tomorrow.
to look through stuff that i could possibly take to college.
a bed. some old dishes. some old silverware. and the like.
its very nice of danny to offer me all of this stuff. its just.

i haven't been inside of that house since the funeral...
she passed away 1 year. 4 months. and 10 days ago...
my mom asked me what time i wanted to go - i got mad.
crawling in bed a little while ago, i could not sleep at all.

i don't think i can go in there without losing it.
just thinking about it makes me start bawling.
i seriously miss her so much, and that house...
it holds so many frickin' memories - good and bad.
i spent a lot of time growing up in that house.
so many laughs. smiles. games. special moments.
and then there are those last few months...

all in all, my emotions go crazy when i think about it.
i really don't know if i can go in there.
you would think by now i would be ready - but idk.

this is driving me crazy...
its things like this, moments like this when i have to face the reality and the emptiness of her being gone that i can't handle it sometimes. its too much. its overwhelming and it still feels wrong. things aren't supposed to be this way. i don't want to walk into that house and feel the emptiness. feel the hole where she's supposed to be. i don't want to sit across the room from danny and see how lonely he really is. he made a comment tonight bout how he went to clean the downstairs bathroom and it was really dirty - he's like, yea i guess most people have wives for that. she should be there. why isn't she here?? my mom commented that her and my dad have had to restart in finding friends they hang out with, because her and my dad did everything with danny and karen. and now she's gone. its a piece of the puzzle that will always be missing. there will never be a completed picture. none of us will ever be the same. and it really hurts sometimes. i just miss her a lot. all the time, but more times than others. and this is one of them. i'm scared of facing something i have been avoiding... i just really don't know if i'm strong enough. i just don't.

a hug would be nice.

sometimes a few words are all you need...

i feel empty and alone. whether i am surrounded by people, or sitting in a room all by myself there is this hollow place inside of me. i just want to be held. i want someone to put their arms around and tell me everything that will make these feelings go away. i joke about the decisions i have made/are making but inside it tears me apart. i am not content. i am not okay. i want to be someone, not just anyone. same old story - different day, different year, different month. same haunting questions, same repeating circumstances. i want more. i need more. i deserve more. and i don't know what to do right now. i just need someone. when are they going to come?