i will fight for you.

i will fight for you, because you've changed my life. you've made me who i am. you've given me someone to lean on. you've taught me how to be myself. and you don't even know it.

these boys have changed my life :) cam. connor. nick.

this is liz :) she is amazing, and i would be lost without her.

sometimes you wait around for something so long, that you form all these expectations for what it should be. you talk it up to something great, and sometimes when you expect too much you end up dissapointed in the end. and yet other times, your expectations are exceeded and you are surprised. sometimes things turn out better than you could have ever imagined. i knew my spring break was going to be good. but i didn't know it was going to be absolutely amazing. i didn't know it was going to go down as one of the best weeks i have ever had in my life. i didn't know how much it was going to affect me.

nick came to rapid from arizona, the first time we've seen him in almost a year. in high school all of us were very close - especially when it came to cross country and track, but now its hard to see each other. so cam and i made sure that we got to see nick this break. from the time he arrived saturday night it was clear that the week was going to be filled with random adventures, great times, and barely any sleep. why sleep when you can spend your time having fun with the people you care about? you can sleep when you're dead! ha. just to give you an idea, the first night we all stayed up till 6:30 in the morning talking (after going on a hike at 1:30). got up at 9:30. got together later and stayed up late once again. the whole week was filled with a reunion of friends. dinners together. hikes after midnight. and simply enjoying each other's company and having conversation after conversation.

this week made me want to quit school. i would love to live in a house with 10 of my closest friends and simply enjoy each other's company on a daily basis... cam and i joked about it tonight. just quit school. convince the people we want to join us to do it to. no hesitation. hike around the country. live in fellowship with other people. experience random adventures. surround yourself with the people who make you who you are. you are able to put a smile on your face no matter what's going on in your life. what's holding you back? life, reality, obligation. sure - but wouldn't it be great to just be able to say screw it. lets just live life. i wish. because i had so much fun this week. and honestly, the times when i'm happiest are the times when i can surround myself with the people i care about. and that's what life should be shouldn't it? spending time with those you love. i wish it happened more.

i am so happy. (more than a little sad that i had to go back to school, i cried a good couple hours the last few days about it but). this week just made me appreciate the people who are in my life so much. and just be able to see how people can come together, even after a year or two and still click in the same way. how things can fall into place, and it's like no time has passed at all. and suddenly you remember what was good about your past, suddenly you remember the things you miss about high school, about being "young" again. as far as a team, we had a great thing - and those are memories that can never be replaced. that experience changed my life, and this week made me realize that those bonds can be formed again - or at least put into place for occasions such as these. it took me back. it made things simple again. it made me simply enjoy life for all it has to offer. one o'clock in the morning and someone suggests a hike - why not? one life to live. live in the moment. do things you don't normally do.

aww. i wish i could describe this whole week to you. i'm just amazed at how wonderful it was. i want to relive it, over and over again. and more than that, i never want to let my friends go. there are some people who are just worth holding on to. and that's what friendships are - just like any commitment or activity. they are choices. everyday you can choose the amount of effort you are going to put towards it. everyday you get to decide how much you care. i care so much. and i am going to fight for my friends. i refuse to let them go over something stupid, i refuse to let us lose touch. i refuse to allow things to change when the choice is in my hands. in our hands. we get to choose what friendships survive, just like we get to choose the other things we put ourselves into. nothing comes without effort, nothing comes without some work. things might not always be easy - but if you keep fighting, you will be glad you did. i'm going to fight for my friends - because they are the people who know me. they are the ones who allow me to be myself. they are the ones who allow me to live. without them - i would be lost.

memories, not goodbyes.

we have all been there. experiencing the lost connection of a relationship. recently, i have been dealing with losing a friend. and i know that people close to me are dealing with the same thing. furthermore, friends of mine dealing with break-ups are going through it too. and so i have been struggling with dealing with this on my own, i have been trying not to care, but in reality - i care more about this than a lot of things. my friends and my family are my life, and letting them go... not really an easy thing to accomplish. so i think i've collected my emotions over the past few days enough that i can write about this in a way that other people are going to understand, instead of just blabbering my emotions across the screen. so here goes nothing ::

people on the outside of the situation tell you to let go. they tell you to just move on. they tell you : you are better than that. you don't deserve to be treated that way. we've all heard, its a common response. and we are expected to believe it is as simple is that - to just let go of the people you care about. your boyfriend or girlfriend, the one you have loved for the past three years. the girl or boy, the friend who has been there through thick and thin. the cousin or the aunt or the sibling, the family member who has stood by your side. all the ones who once made up your heart, your soul, your everything. people on the outside tell you to get over it. they tell you, you'll find someone new. they tell you people can be replaced. maybe its because they think that's what you want to hear - that hearing those words makes it easier, or at least cements into your brain that its not worth your tears. not worth your time. not worth your pain. not worth your worry and your heartache. but maybe they are wrong. maybe those are the completely wrong words.

maybe what we need to hear is : it is going to be hard. it is going to take time. and you might not ever get over it. because when you love someone, when you care about someone - you give them a piece of who you are. you give them pieces of your heart. because real friendships, real relationships are all about giving everything you have. and no matter how much time passes, no matter how much you heal from it, there is always a part of you that you will never get back. because in any relationship, there is give and take. and when its over, you can't just take back all that you have given - especially when its not tangible. so when a relationship ends you lose a part of yourself. and it hurts. you are parting with a piece of who you are, and what will always be a part of you. relationships, friendships, acquaintances - they shape you. they make you. they allow you to grow. they teach you. and part of that process comes with losing those connections. and its not easy. and it will never be easy. no matter how many times it happens, it won't stop hurting. because you are a human being. you have feelings. you have needs. and you have expectations. and when someone disappoints you, when someone leaves your life - you're going to fall before you learn from it. you are going to cry before you talk about it. you are going to get mad before you appreciate all the good things that came from it. its natural, and its going to happen that way. so don't push it aside, don't just move on. take your time - work through it. and accept that you might not ever get over it completely.

losing a friend hurts. (just like a significant other). and its hard to stop putting effort into a relationship that has existed for so long. that's the hardest part for me - because i fight for my friendships. i give them everything i have. honestly, a lot of the friendships i do have i believe exist because i have been the one to fuel the fire a majority of the time. because sometimes that's what it takes. you have to fight for the relationships that mean something to you. because when you give up, they die. but there comes a point when the fighting has to stop. and that's where i'm at. i don't want to just give up. i don't want to give in and accept losing someone i care about. but a relationship takes two people. and while one can fight, the other has to respond. if they don't... then one day, you wake up and you realize that its time to leave it be. maybe, someday, they will come back. maybe someday they will realize on their own that they miss you - but until then, sometimes you have to stop pushing. i have to stop pushing. i have to stop caring. i have to stop worrying about what i did wrong, or what i should have done to change it. i have done all i can. and i have to be okay with that. i have to appreciate the friendships i still have. the ones who really are there still. i have to realize i'm not alone. i have to realize i'm going to be okay.

we are all going to be okay. every lost relationship is just a bump. just a learning curve on the road of life. some are more memorable than others. some cause greater impact than the rest. but they are all a part of our journey. and no matter how many miles seperate us from them, there is no changing that. so we can be greatful for those road marks and keep on moving. towards whatever lies ahead, whatever might come across our paths. the road is long, and there is no reason to stall forever. we are all going to make it. :)

Colors of Death

Green curtains frame the bay window,
the light from the sunrise dim.
Purples and reds bleed into
the landscape, grass brown and dead.
From the oven - fumes of apple pie,
sweet combining with the toxic.
She walks into the kitchen, smile freezing,
the sight before her taking control.
He lies on the floor, face blue,
eyes closed, mouth open – no breath.
The Heimlich does not save him,
her efforts lost as the sun rises
into the clouds, her brother’s body
cold in her arms. And the day,
despite its new beginning, has ended.
The apple pie burns in the steel gray oven,
while the sirens grow louder and
her legs go numb on the black linoleum.

Tomorrow the sun will rise again,
colors mourning in grays and blues.

[one of the poems from my final poetry project]