i am not the girl who will come hook up with you at two o'clock in the morning. i am not here to be used only when you feel the need to have some fun. i am not easy. i do not just kiss any guy that feels he wants to kiss me at any moment. i do care. despite the fact that i have made mistakes in the past... i do value myself and the choices i make.
i am not the girl who doesn't care. i care a lot... if only people who give me a chance to listen.
i am not the girl who begs to have her heart broken time and time again. i do not have a sign on my head that says, please take my heart and step on it. thanks! yet my past would suggest otherwise and no one yet has wanted to break that stereotype... i'm still waiting.
i am not a huge partier. yes, i have drank on occasion... but that does not mean i am a bad person. that just means i am one way... while someone might be a different way. its not something that defines me, in fact i live perfectly great without it. but bottom line: if it happens... it happens. end of story. end of discussion.
i am the girl who doesn't even understand herself...
i have the ability to play things off like i am not surprised and take them as best i can. inside i may be screaming with anger and confusion... but i like to pretend i can stay calm. even if it ends up failing miserably in the end.
i cry a lot. over big things, over little things. for some people, there are very few who have seen them cry... for me. the numbers are large. if you know me somewhat well... i'm sure you have seen my tears.
i want to find that one guy. the one who knows how to calm me down. the one that makes me cry less. the one who loves me for me... past, present... and will always love me in the future. i want to be "the girl" to someone.
i pretend i don't care what people think... but inside i do sometimes.
i like to write forever. i write until i get it all out... no matter what time it is. no matter if i have to work 6 hours from now, and its the early hours of the morning. i have to let it out... or else sleep is pointless.
i'm like to be lazy every once in a while. stay in my pajamas all day and curl up with a good book and watch tv. drink some coffee and just do nothing.
yes... i am the girl who loves coffee. who, in fact more accurately, is addicted to coffee.
i am the girl who doesn't understand why friends hurt you. why they abandon you at times when you need them the most... and why they leave you to put together the pieces with no picture to follow.
i think to be a christian is to love people no matter where they're at. i know i don't always succeed at that aspect, but i for sure try really hard because i know how bad it hurts to have people walk away when you do something they don't understand.
i am just a girl
i have been hurt... time and time again. and it keeps coming.
i love to laugh. i love to spend time with my friends. i love feeling happy and content.
if you want to know who i am... just spend time with me. don't listen to what he said, or she said... because chances are its not entirely that way. the only way you get to know someone is by spending time with them...
i am just a girl. get to know me.
July 20, 2007
July 19, 2007
we will laugh together someday...
somewhere along the way i lost who i was and became someone i can't seem to find. after the words cancer left their lips and up until this very moment... i have been changing. funny thing is... i don't know how it happened. obviously i recognize the evident reasons... but i don't know who i am anymore. lately my car has become my refuge. or is that the right word? because it seems that whenever i start driving i feel the urge to cry. more often than not... i have been doing just that. the tears are not few, and the sobs that accompany them are not quiet. the tears seem to roll down my cheeks and i sob loudly. i cannot stop. it just happens. i keep playing over all the memories in my head. of everything i can possibly remember. sometimes i laugh, and smile. other times i just cry harder. and then... i ask you why? why God, would you take away someone who meant so much to everyone? why God, WHY! i dont' know how to explain it... but no matter how good i think i'm doing: i'm really not the same person anymore. i don't know who i am, and i don't know what to do. i am a girl. confused, hurt, and yet most of the time very happy. i have fun, i laugh, but lately... i just cry. i knew the tears would come again. i just don't know how to make them stop. i write. and i write. and i keep writing. i think this is a way of dealing with it.. but i don't know how much its helping. i just don't know.
July 12, 2007
forbidden
he sat next to her on the bench. there was just enough space between him that she could sense the warmth of his body next to hers... but they did not touch. it was a calm night. above them the stars appeared everywhere dotting the sky. the scent of summer and the warm breeze was evident and yet she was cold. despite the beautiful sight above her, she stared at her feet. waiting for him to say something... anything. he didn't. words were forming in her throat but she couldn't seem to say them. crickets sang in the background, and next to them the small stream hummed gently. after what seemed like an eternity he said it. her name softly coming off his lips. it was hushed and fragile. and then the words that followed came easier and with more strength, as if he had suddenly remembered what they were here about.
"this has to end. we both know it's time."
she remained silent, as she had since they arrived. she longed to say all that she was feeling, but the words were caught in her throat. and the ache in her heart told her that was she wanted would only make it harder.
"please say something to me. god only knows how much this hurts me... but i don't see any other option. it would really help if you would talk to me..."
the tears started to roll quietly down her cheeks. she held her hands together, careful that they were nowhere near his. her hair hung over her face and she hoped he didn't notice. soon though her tears became sobs and she couldn't take it anymore. she looked at him... his eyes too held tears and he reached for her. she laid her head on his shoulder and cried harder. his hand found her back and he began to rub it gently.
"i love you." he said softly and repeated again and again next to her ear. "i will never love anyone like i love you..."
trembling she lifted her head and found his lips. she kissed him with all she had... all her emotions behind it. and he kissed her back with just as much feeling, if not more. and then he looked at her.
"this will never be over will it? no matter how hard we try... god, i can never stop loving you."
she continued to cry. she knew this was going to continue to be the most amazing thing she had ever experienced... and the most painful.
"this has to end. we both know it's time."
she remained silent, as she had since they arrived. she longed to say all that she was feeling, but the words were caught in her throat. and the ache in her heart told her that was she wanted would only make it harder.
"please say something to me. god only knows how much this hurts me... but i don't see any other option. it would really help if you would talk to me..."
the tears started to roll quietly down her cheeks. she held her hands together, careful that they were nowhere near his. her hair hung over her face and she hoped he didn't notice. soon though her tears became sobs and she couldn't take it anymore. she looked at him... his eyes too held tears and he reached for her. she laid her head on his shoulder and cried harder. his hand found her back and he began to rub it gently.
"i love you." he said softly and repeated again and again next to her ear. "i will never love anyone like i love you..."
trembling she lifted her head and found his lips. she kissed him with all she had... all her emotions behind it. and he kissed her back with just as much feeling, if not more. and then he looked at her.
"this will never be over will it? no matter how hard we try... god, i can never stop loving you."
she continued to cry. she knew this was going to continue to be the most amazing thing she had ever experienced... and the most painful.
JUNE 24th
(an entry from my journal...)
Psalm 36:5-7 O Lord, your mercy reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the skies, your righteousness is like the mountains of God, your judgements like the deep ocean. You save people and animals, O Lord. Your mercy is so precious, O God, that Adam's descendants take refuge in the shadow of your wings.
I don't know what I'm doing... or what I've been doing. My mind is once again a boggle of questions and I feel as if I lost the pieces that were holding me together. I feel I am sinking, weighed down by the abscence of them... my friends who were my support system, and her - the one person in my life I will never be the same without. I will never get used to this loss. I miss her like crazy and this is the first time I've wrote in here about it. I don't know what to say...
Her voice is slowly slipping from my mind and I know someday I wll no longer be able to hear her in my thoughts. I close my eyes and feel her hug me... and I don't want the memory to ever leave even as it grew weaker over the last months. Her hands and her body become more frail. Her eyes still held the same love but they were glazed by a sadness she tried so hard to hide. Her energy became less and less until I could barely stand it to sit there and see her barely breathing just sitting down. She slowly slipped away and I wish I could pull her back somehow. I miss her so much.
I don't even know where my life is going, and I wish she was here to talk to...
I'm so broken up right now about so many things and I feel so lost. I don't know how to describe this and I don't know how to get back on track.
All I know is that I'm hurting and I want it to stop...
Psalm 36:5-7 O Lord, your mercy reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the skies, your righteousness is like the mountains of God, your judgements like the deep ocean. You save people and animals, O Lord. Your mercy is so precious, O God, that Adam's descendants take refuge in the shadow of your wings.
I don't know what I'm doing... or what I've been doing. My mind is once again a boggle of questions and I feel as if I lost the pieces that were holding me together. I feel I am sinking, weighed down by the abscence of them... my friends who were my support system, and her - the one person in my life I will never be the same without. I will never get used to this loss. I miss her like crazy and this is the first time I've wrote in here about it. I don't know what to say...
Her voice is slowly slipping from my mind and I know someday I wll no longer be able to hear her in my thoughts. I close my eyes and feel her hug me... and I don't want the memory to ever leave even as it grew weaker over the last months. Her hands and her body become more frail. Her eyes still held the same love but they were glazed by a sadness she tried so hard to hide. Her energy became less and less until I could barely stand it to sit there and see her barely breathing just sitting down. She slowly slipped away and I wish I could pull her back somehow. I miss her so much.
I don't even know where my life is going, and I wish she was here to talk to...
I'm so broken up right now about so many things and I feel so lost. I don't know how to describe this and I don't know how to get back on track.
All I know is that I'm hurting and I want it to stop...
July 11, 2007
honestly...
to anyone out there who cares...
when i created this blog i told myself that i could live my life without regrets. experience things good and bad, and just learn from them... not regret them. in all honesty, thats a lie. as much as i tell myself i don't regret anything in my past... i do.
i constantly wonder why i have never been "the girl" to the guys who really mattered. and why i seem to only attract the ones who are bad news. am i putting off the wrong vibe? i can't seem to attract the kind of guys i want to be around... and that scares me. i'm going off to college soon and more than a new experience, and new people i keep thinking that i have to be the type of person who is going to attract the right kind of people. if i party at all... am i going to meet a guy who parties and isn't a christian?? and how do i meet those christian guys in an environment full of wordly people and wordly temptations?? how do i find the right connections??? its stressing me out...
i accept the mistakes i have made with guys. but when i sit back and look at it as the whole picture i think geez... what was i thinking? long story short: i've kissed too many people. you don't realize until its too late that those kisses mean something. thats a part of you that you can never get back. and they should be saved for someone special... gosh i hope i find them.
okay. i know i'm just going through a pity party right now. sorry guys... i just had to do it. i've seriously not been happy lately and i've been tearing apart absolutely everything i can think to try and find SOMETHING. try to find me... and who i want to be. and the only way i can do that is by going back and remembering all the pieces of my past. (good or bad)
okay maybe i do regret. maybe i don't. bottom line: i never forget the stuff that has shaped who i am... and sometimes i can't help but think what would have happened if i would have done something differently....
i have three track pictures.
freshman year: black fingernail polish (the only way i ever expressed how i was feeling. i never went out of control.... all black. completely emo. but in a small way i was saying... hey guys. i'm depressed. help me please.)
sophomore year: white fingernail polish (i wasn't really sure what i wanted, but i wanted to appear care-free and happy so i did things a little differently. idk...)
junior year: french manicure lol...
see what i mean. things change. and sometimes you just look back and think geez... what the heck?? lol.
this was kind of pointless but i feel a little better. tell me what you think.... if you wanna.
when i created this blog i told myself that i could live my life without regrets. experience things good and bad, and just learn from them... not regret them. in all honesty, thats a lie. as much as i tell myself i don't regret anything in my past... i do.
i constantly wonder why i have never been "the girl" to the guys who really mattered. and why i seem to only attract the ones who are bad news. am i putting off the wrong vibe? i can't seem to attract the kind of guys i want to be around... and that scares me. i'm going off to college soon and more than a new experience, and new people i keep thinking that i have to be the type of person who is going to attract the right kind of people. if i party at all... am i going to meet a guy who parties and isn't a christian?? and how do i meet those christian guys in an environment full of wordly people and wordly temptations?? how do i find the right connections??? its stressing me out...
i accept the mistakes i have made with guys. but when i sit back and look at it as the whole picture i think geez... what was i thinking? long story short: i've kissed too many people. you don't realize until its too late that those kisses mean something. thats a part of you that you can never get back. and they should be saved for someone special... gosh i hope i find them.
okay. i know i'm just going through a pity party right now. sorry guys... i just had to do it. i've seriously not been happy lately and i've been tearing apart absolutely everything i can think to try and find SOMETHING. try to find me... and who i want to be. and the only way i can do that is by going back and remembering all the pieces of my past. (good or bad)
okay maybe i do regret. maybe i don't. bottom line: i never forget the stuff that has shaped who i am... and sometimes i can't help but think what would have happened if i would have done something differently....
i have three track pictures.
freshman year: black fingernail polish (the only way i ever expressed how i was feeling. i never went out of control.... all black. completely emo. but in a small way i was saying... hey guys. i'm depressed. help me please.)
sophomore year: white fingernail polish (i wasn't really sure what i wanted, but i wanted to appear care-free and happy so i did things a little differently. idk...)
junior year: french manicure lol...
see what i mean. things change. and sometimes you just look back and think geez... what the heck?? lol.
this was kind of pointless but i feel a little better. tell me what you think.... if you wanna.
July 10, 2007
this road...
if you want to get away... the road doesn't have to end. it can keep on going, and going... as far away as you wish. just keep driving. stop when you feel safe. until then... keep driving. drive and let the tears fall. with eyes hidden behind big sunglasses, no one willl ever notice...
its hard to find a safe place when you don't have anywhere to go. i am so lost and confused lately. and more than anything i'm hurting. i go through the days... and i smile. but inside i feel like i'm dying. i don't know where to turn. the people i once thought to be my support system and my encouragement now appear to me as strangers who don't seem interested in spending time with me... and the people i want to spend time with, don't seem to have the time for me....
i miss my auntie karen. today there was a notebook on the kitchen table... and being the nosy person that i am, i opened it. it was my mom's journal and i flipped to a page about HER. i read it and i just started crying. thats all i do lately. it doesn't matter what i'm doing, where i'm going, how i think i'm feeling. i just cry. yesterday my mom asked me to meet my dad to get new tires on my car... i walked out of the house and started bawling. i can't help it. i'm hurting so bad and i feel like i have no where to turn. no one to hear my cry.
God, what am i suppossed to do??? this isn't getting any easier. i seem to have lost sight of things i once held close in my life and i don't know how to get back. i'm on this road, all by myself... and i don't know which way to turn.
i need direction... i need help...
its hard to find a safe place when you don't have anywhere to go. i am so lost and confused lately. and more than anything i'm hurting. i go through the days... and i smile. but inside i feel like i'm dying. i don't know where to turn. the people i once thought to be my support system and my encouragement now appear to me as strangers who don't seem interested in spending time with me... and the people i want to spend time with, don't seem to have the time for me....
i miss my auntie karen. today there was a notebook on the kitchen table... and being the nosy person that i am, i opened it. it was my mom's journal and i flipped to a page about HER. i read it and i just started crying. thats all i do lately. it doesn't matter what i'm doing, where i'm going, how i think i'm feeling. i just cry. yesterday my mom asked me to meet my dad to get new tires on my car... i walked out of the house and started bawling. i can't help it. i'm hurting so bad and i feel like i have no where to turn. no one to hear my cry.
God, what am i suppossed to do??? this isn't getting any easier. i seem to have lost sight of things i once held close in my life and i don't know how to get back. i'm on this road, all by myself... and i don't know which way to turn.
i need direction... i need help...
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