pretenders

we all like to pretend. we like to pretend we're things we're not. maybe to disguise characteristics of ourselves we aren't proud of, or rather are afraid for others to see. we pretend because we're afraid that people might see past the layers, past the disguises - and see the real us. whats hidden beneath the surface. the things we pretend aren't there, but really they are so much a part of us that they're eating us alive. we can't ignore them. so we approach them and deal with the them in secret, stepping out from amidst the shadows and facing what lies within us. here in our solace we cry. we yell. we question. we try so hard to get rid of those things that make us human, that cause us to feel. cause us to have emotion - give us the option to love, to care, to give, to laugh, to experience things we never thought possible. because sometimes, things would be so much easier without the mushy parts. the parts that can cause us to be strong, but often makes us feel so weak. we feel as if we're going to fall over, break at any moment - all because we feel something. so in affect we pretend. we smile and go about our days as if nothing can bring us down, that there is nothing standing in our way of happiness. we have fun, we joke, we hang out with our friends and it appears as if we are strong. and thats how we want them to think we are. all of us do. so when do we stop pretending? who do we trust enough to see us without the disguises, amidst all of the garbage and the beauty that makes us who we are. that makes us individuals. it takes a lot of strength to let people in. and sometimes those same people you let in are the same ones that make you want to dissapear and keep on pretending. we share bits of our hearts, pieces of our minds, our bodies, our souls - all in hopes that someone will simply share back, let us in, and simply be there when we need them to be. sometimes all it takes is a hug, a smile, or maybe just a few words that let us know people see beyond the surface. that there is more than meets the eye - and no matter how horrible people may treat you, they still see it. and sometimes its okay to stop pretending, even for a moment. we have to take down the disguises, and be honest with ourselves and the people around us. or else we end up denying people the opportunity to see our true colors, and we lie to ourselves about what we really want. we're all pretenders. but sometimes - you have to learn how to just be yourself.

so much has changed.

college is one of those amazing, brand new experiences. everyone says college is the time of your life, and the time where you meet the people who will be your friends forever and realize which ones from high school actually mattered in the first place.

when you put distance between people, you are forced to figure out who is willing to stay in touch, who cares enough to pick up the phone and call, or simply send a text saying - i'm thinking of you. the people you thought were your friends in high school, might turn out to be people you will never really talk to or see again. college lets you know who you're true friends are. and in the process of staying connected to the people who we've grown comfortable with over the years, we start to meet new people. over the course of the first year in college, suddenly you have new best friends. people who you have only known for a few short months become the people you turn to, become the ones who you want to spend all your time with. these people are the ones who are constantly around - all it takes is a walk down the hallway or a few short minutes to stop by and say hello. living in community with one another, you grow very close to those around you. and it is - it's an amazing experience.

so then what happens when school ends for the year, and people go their seperate ways for the summer? its definitely something i wasn't ready for, and really didn't think about. the world at school and the world left behind back at home, are two completely different things. different people, different activities. and i'm torn between being anxious to go home, and sad about leaving the place i have called home for the past 8 months, and the people who have come to be a constant part of my everyday life. the people here are the ones who have come to know me for who i have become while being here - some of them have seen the ways i have changed, and i feel as if i have a support system that really knows me. i'm scared i'm going to go back and ignore who i have become, and fall into the old pattern of how people used to know me, and who i used to be.

its bittersweet. i miss home. i miss my old friends. i miss the things we do during the summer - and i'm so ready to do those things. go camping, go to the lake, bike riding on thursday nights. hanging out, taking pictures, iced coffee on hot days, working... but i am really sad to leave these people behind. and leaving the dorms just signifies the end of a way of life that i will never have again. as much as you say you're going to see people next year, its different with different schedules and people living in different places. i'm afraid people are going to change. idk. i don't really know what to think.

college definitely is an amazing experience, but its also a time in your life when you are stuck between the past and the future. the old familiar, and the new familiar. home, and home? both mean something, and yet each holds two completely different things. i just don't know where i fit the most...