Deleted Scenes.

This is the place where I found you. I wish life were like the movies so I could delete the scenes that broke us. The scenes that distanced us. The scenes that keep us from telling the truth. We're dancing, you and I. We're sliding past words that will never be said.

If I could delete everything that shattered my heart, I would love to say I would. But the truth is, I wouldn't. Because real life is better than the movies. It's better because it's messy. It's authentic. It's raw. And, it sucks but underneath all the bullshit there's truth. And the truth, that's what really matters. Even when it's not being said, it matters. Because the truth brings people together and it tears people apart. It mends broken hearts and it shatters who we are. It breaks apart what we've always known, and in the same breath, it shows us a brand new sunrise. It shows us colors we've never known to exist. The truth is like a light in the night. You just have to choose to turn it on.

You used to be the center of the world for me. That's what I want to say. But the truth is that you still are. And all the words I'm not allowed to say out loud? I promise they're being written down. Saved for the day you wake up and realize I'm the girl you've always wanted. I'm the girl you've always loved. When you get past your hearbreak, when you get past your past, I'll be here. Waiting. Just like you used to wait for me. You used to be patient. You used to be strong. You used to be everything I thought I never could be. I will be that for you now. I will be strong. I will pretend that this wall between us doesn't break me every time I talk to you. I will pretend that acting like everything is normal doesn't make me cringe. I will pretend that I don't love you.

Storms are playing their way through our movie and I'm lost in the rain. A tower stands waiting to be torn down. Real life says there is no happy ending. Reality tells me your fortress is false. But hope tells me to keep holding on. My concrete heart tells me not to break. Because the truth is more than you can bear and all that I have left.

In lieu of writers block.

I have been slacking on the writing front lately, lacking motivation and the will to create. I find this happens from time to time - stuck in a rut, hating every word I put on the paper. I am hoping it subsides soon, so I can get back to doing what I love most. It could be as soon as tomorrow or... not. You never know when creativity will find you. As I say, "You can't force creativity." Because when I do, I find I am often dissatisfied with the final product.

So, until I return to my normative posting structure, I will leave you with this. I had planned on posting this article at the end of last semester. I had promised some of my friends, friends who read my blog and comment privately, that I would upload it as soon as it was complete. Obviously, I am a few months late, but better late than never!

It's an article I wrote my editing class. It's about my fear of commitment. Enjoy :-)

Finding Mr. Maybe

breaking down walls.

“You must unlearn. To get what you want, you must be open not only to learning – but un-learning. You must sign up for un-lessons – where you unlearn learned fear, guilt, anger, jealousy, insecurity.”

We place ourselves behind walls. We consciously place ourselves behind walls and make ourselves believe that we are permanently stuck there. We convince ourselves we belong here... secluded from whatever is on the other side, incapable of changing, lacking the strength to break down the wall. We place ourselves behind walls. We lie to ourselves day after day, accepting a lesser version of who we really are. Days go by, months go by, years go by, and one day we wake up and realize that this wall has been blocking the world for far too long. But by then, we are too comfortable behind it. We would rather wallow in the hole that has become a part of us then do something to change it. So we stay behind the wall. For another month. For another year. And we continue to believe the lie that this is who we are. This wall is part of us. The other side is no longer an option, and that is okay.

WAKE UP. Stop believing this lie. If we place ourselves behind these walls, it should be just as evident that we can take them down. Take them down and start living. Start believing we are who we've always been. Capable of change. Capable of escaping the bad habit. Capable of being confident. Capable of stepping out and going after our dreams. We are capable. All it takes is a choice.

My Pastor said this today... The biggest barrier placed on our lives is about what we believe or don't believe in. I used to believe my weaknesses were a part of who I am. Maybe they are. But that doesn't mean I have to let them win. The desire to overcome the weaknesses in my life has always been there. And, believing in God and who He is gives me the strength to do something about it. I might not be able to break down the walls in my life by my own strength, but with God living through me, I can. My weaknesses have no power when I believe in my Heavenly Father.

Undertones.

I will keep this song on repeat. If I never let it fade, does that mean you will love on?
I hold onto the pieces you gave me - tangible things I clutch with these hands. The same hands that once touched you for the first time, touched your bare skin before it collided with mine.
I keep the memories caged away but sometimes our vivid interactions still infiltrate my mind. My heart is a box that can't stay closed, can't be chained. I stay awake because sleeping means dreaming of you.
We're playing pretend, you and I. Once again, we are children pretending to be grown-ups pretending to be heroes. Here we are invincible. Here the truth does not exist.

The truth only lies in the pages you will never read. The pages that hold secrets you will never know.

Every morning the darkness fades as the colors etch their way across the sky. Without fail, the sun awakens the day with purples and reds cascading into yellows and blues. The mural expands and then disappears until there is only sky. And a day begins. Without questions. Without qualms. A day begins and the living live.

If you awoke to a rainbow sky in a world where I no longer existed, would the world look different? A day would begin, you would live and I would not. And then where would we be?

Then would you remember? The way our bodies found my bed. The way our mouths spoke in rhythm. How we laid there unaffected by the world, naked and without shame. Or the hours we used to spend in conversation. Or perhaps how we used to say "I love you," how I loved you... The way no one ever understood who we were together. The way God gave us each other.

In lieu of my absence, promise me you'd stop pretending. That you'd tell the truth. Because the truth, is really all that matters.

you're like a glass of red wine.

I want to keep you on the shelf for safe keeping. Save you for a special occasion. I want to keep you for myself... to only choose to share you with the most trusted of friends. You are not meant for just any occasion. You are love. You are comfort. You are a diamond in the rough. What happens between us will remain a secret as long as I hold you. Do you know how rare you are? Matured and strong. Just sweet enough to taste but not too overbearing. You are a glass I want to fill and fill again. Lover, I want to drink you in.

I want to savor every drop you allow me to have. I want to enjoy every element of who you are and what you represent. You are elegance I cannot afford. Still, I would give my life savings just to have you for a segment in time. Would you be mine? Satisfy me. Let me taste you. Let me breathe you in. I promise I won't waste you. I won't take you for granted. I know what you are. I know I will never find another just like you. No one will ever fill me the way you do. No one will ever taste as sweet. You have stolen a place at the top of my chart. Promise you'll stay?

You're like red wine. I can't get enough. One glass was all it took to show me what I've been missing.

Resolutions and Possible Solutions.

Wanting to be someone you're not is a waste of the person you are.

Does a new year change who you are? Not instantaneously. The hands on the clock strike twelve and suddenly happiness is renewed, love is found, possiblities are seen, and it seems to be that hope is restored. Perhaps it is something inside of us, a pyschological trick that makes us believe a new year means a new "you", a new set of possibilities, the ability to reach your dreams. Every year people make resolutions they vow they are going to keep. Why? Why today? What makes now the time to set goals, to try to be a better person, to change the world?

I don't make new years resolutions. If anything, in the midst of everyone who is, I realize this is a reminder to be thankful for all the things I already have and to remind myself of who I am. Where I am. Where I am headed. There is always a desire to better myself. Mostly, to fall deeper in love with God in order to see how He can use the person I am and who I have yet to be. Come as you are. Know that that is enough. It's not about goals you will never keep. It's not about diets that will not last. It's not about extravagant plans you may never accomplish. But to simply be who you are in this moment and know that that is enough. God loves you here, in this moment, in the beginning of this new year.

I have been learning a lot lately. Mostly it's been about patience. To be patient and wait for God's voice. To wait for God's plan. To prayerfully seek Him and be patient in knowing the answers may not, and probably will not, come when I want them to. I graduate in four months and I have no idea what I am doing when that happens. Patience. Trust. I have questions that haunt me. Patience. I have dreams I wish to fulfill. Patience. So often New Years is about instant gratification and what we can accomplish now. What if it's not about now? What if you can't plan for all the things you want? What if you're not supposed to set goals you can't keep?

What if, you are just supposed to live. Life is too short to take things for granted, and to overlook what we already have. And in light of all the resolutions, it should be acknowledge that growing closer to God should be, should always be, the number one goal. For if we are seeking Him with all our hearts, with all our minds, with all our strenghth, then the rest of everything will fall into place. In His time. In His perfect plan. With His guiding hand. Be happy with who you are and allow God to mold you this coming year. Allow Him to take control. Surrender all the things you want and ask Him what He wants for you. Guarantee His plan is far greater than anything you could ever imagine.

Happy New Year everyone. God Bless : )