we'll kill ourselves to find freedom.

take a breath.
take a deep breath.
close your eyes.
what do you see?
who do you see?
what does your heart say?
say it out loud.
say it again.
take a breath.

so often we hide from our deepest desires. we push them deep within us, so no one can see them. we push them so far away from the surface that even we begin to believe they aren't a part of us. that it isn't true. we convince ourselves that it isn't important, or that it isn't worth the risk, or that if we say it aloud - our world could change, it could fall apart. what are we afraid of? failure? embarassment? unreciprocated feelings? loss? what is stopping us from doing what we desire, from saying what we desire, from going where we want to go, and experiencing everything we hold inside of us. dreams should be more than dreams; they should be goals - they should come true. or in the very least, we should acquire the courage to try. to take that step.

so often we lose opportunities because of fear. because we're afraid of what might happen, of what we have to lose. isn't it better to try, and go as far as you can, before you just give up? we've all done it, we all think back on moments in our past, and wonder what might have been. if we had just done this, if we had just said this, if we had just stepped up - then our present would be so much different. you can't kill yourself over the "what-if's" but you can stop them from appearing in your future... life is too short. people say it every day, you never know when you're last day will be. and you hear it, and you realize that its true, but what do you do about it? we still go on living as if we can do it tomorrow. fix it tomorrow. try again, tomorrow. what about today? what about now. here. in this moment. don't push it aside. don't tell yourself it's not important. it is. you are important. your dreams are important. your feelings are important. what you want, it matters. don't let anyone tell you different. and don't let anyone stop you from chasing your dreams. i know that sounds cliche, but i'm serious. fear is the mind-killer.

so, take a deep breath. close your eyes. see life how you wish it was. and then take a step. take a risk. take a chance. you might fall flat on your face, but how will you know if you never try?

open ears, open heart.

"Come close to God, and He will come close to you... Humble yourself in the Lord's presence. Then He will give you a high position." James 4: 8,10

I've been asking God to work within me. I've been asking Him to instill a deeper desire to be near Him. I've been asking Him to draw me to close to Him. But its not all about what He is doing, it is about the steps I am taking to bring myself closer to Him. I have had to bring myself closer to him, and open up my heart in order to hear what He has to say... on church this last Sunday, I really felt God tugging on my heart. Do you know how that feels? When it is like the words coming out of the pastor's mouth were meant for you, like they are coming straight from God, saying - "Kari, or _______, I'm talking to you." I just felt very convicted. So often I dismiss people or situations because I'm sure that the other person is wrong, or simply because I no longer feel it is worth it to care. Sometimes I am selfish. Sometimes I am wrong. Sometimes I have a lot of pride. And pride is a barrier to love, the love to another person, whether that be a friend, a family member, a significant other, or even someone you barely know. Love is not about who is right and who is wrong (yes, i'm talking about 1 Corinthains 13 people.) It is not about treating someone well only if they treat you well. Love is selfless. Love is about serving, and blessing other people, and being there with open arms even when they hurt you. Even when you want to do everything BUT love them. Imagine if God treated us the way we treat other people... Oh, well I'm not going to love him or her today because they haven't had time for me lately. Um, Hello! I know I am guilty of not making enough time for God, I won't assume about you, but I'm guessing you know what I'm talking about. But, GOD LOVES US ANYWAY. unconditionally. no matter what. and its such a hard thing, but I realize that I need to be better at that. I need to work harder to love people even when its hard, even when I want to give up. Because life is too short to let relationships fade simply because you're not willing to try, or because you're not willing to be the bigger person. Love people anyways. Mend things. Try again. Because its not about you. Love is selfless. God shows us that every day. and maybe we can try and do the same. :)

text message love.

[a compiling of text message between me and my bestie laura. we're dorks and we know it. but these are the things that make my day. the little things. silly words via text message, a reminder that someone cares...]

from K to the L, and back again.

i miss lazy days and carefree nights,
days when Lifetime or WE were my only choices,
and cookie dough added to my bliss.
oh the days of yester year...

oh the days, the days of late night
walmart runs, coffee, and pearl harbor...
many tissues to wipe the tears after watching
ben die come back to life,
oh, the days of randomness and time.

reflect upon the nights with
papa murphys and dance parties all around,
when life was wonderful, sex and the city
marathons and cider beer.

now it has come to grammar,
papers, CA stuff and literature... but God is good.
cuz when night falls, board games are still playable
and long chats are still had.

even amongst the chaos of the day
the peace of friendship keeps me sane.
jokes and laughter keep us smiling while
lengthening our lives by at least a hundred years.

Snapshots.

Pavement in the rearview,
framing the face of the boy
who says goodbye with his smile.

Black and white photographs,
freeze forever flawless moments
when life made sense.

Skinny dipping at midnight,
bare skin and smiling faces
emerge into the iridescent water.

Scars etched into his wrist,
delicate white lines on a chalkboard,
slowly fading but never gone.

The smell of coffee against the sunrise,
a gentle breeze on a summer day,
a comfort for the weary.

Women never satisfied with
the reflection in the mirror.
We could always be
better.


i decided i miss writing poetry.
so, there should be more of this to come.

friday fun.

so after a very long week, and a stressful morning i decided to treat myself to a relaxing afternoon and evening. especially because i will be spending the next two days doing a lot of studying... once again. so with that in mind, let me just say that from the hour of 4 in the afternoon till now (12:32 A.M), i have had a grand evening:

1. coffee is amazing. if i had to choose what kind of coffee to have i would probably go to a little hut (idk if any of you have them where you are from, but in my hometown we have coffee huts EVERYWHERE. and i think they make the best coffee) so while starbucks is definitely not my first choice i still really enjoy a non-fat vanilla latte. my uncle has given me a $100 gift card for three years in a row now... and being able to just go get a coffee every once in awhile instead of just making it at home (which i still love by the way) is just so amazing. so there stands great point number one.
2. i remember when i was younger, or in high school, and my mom would take naps... and i used to be like - that is so stupid, who needs naps? not i! well let me just tell you. entering college brings you a whole new appreciation for naps. naps are one of the greatest things ever; a little pick-me-up in the middle of a long day, or a boost of energy, or simple just a moment of relaxation. i had a wonderful nap this afternoon and i didn't want it to end. laying on my couch with my fan slightly blowing on my body... complete silence. no cares. just sleep for an hour. gosh, i don't know why i ever thought naps were a dumb idea.
3. the REDBOX. if you don't know what the redbox is i suggest you type "redbox" into google and find the one nearest you. i love movies, but paying $4.50 at Blockbuster or Movie Gallery is by far the dumbest thing ever. redbox on the other hand, is so sweet. a movie for $1.06?! HELLZ YEAH. and its not just like dumb titles, its like legit movies, new releases, etc. and if you feel like keeping it an extra day, its still only an additional dollar and six cents. way cheaper. convenient. aww. i make frequent trips to the redbox. loves.
4. running. this is not a new obsession of mine (then again neither is coffee) but every run is different... i've been running around 5/6 every night because thats when it starts to get cool enough to actually function and not die from heat exposure. tonight i procrastinated a bit longer... (coffee, nap, movie rental, you get the picture) and didn't go until about 7:30. its that time when its dark, but not all the way dark... and its cool. its amazing to me how much faster you can run, or how much better of a run you can have when you take heat out of the picture. or perhaps maybe i was just more relaxed. the change of the temperature and the air just made for a very enjoyable 3 miles. :) yay.
5. SKYPE and web-convos. okay, i admit i avoided skype for quite a long time. i really didn't understand what all the fuss was about. also, my computer is ghetto and has no web cam so i was too lazy and broke to go buy one. well transferring schools this year has made staying in touch with my friends more important, one in paricular, my dear friend laura. so we both went out and bought webcams about a week ago, and have been skyping ever since. tonight we spent about an hour and 1/2 online together... and we played checkers ha. it seriously felt like we were just hanging out, having a conversation, and sharing in an activity. and its just so good to see her face. i think skype is great. and talking to people online. i have had some amazing convos online. not to say that talking in person doesn't exceed that by far... but i do believe that heart-felt, or even just great communication can exist over the web. technology is a great thing isn't it??
6. I Love You, Man. ha. ha. ha. what a great movie. i live alone and i sat in my apartment and watched the whole thing, and i kept bursting out into hysterical fits of laughter. i wonder what the 65 year old guy next to me is thinking?? hmm. let him wonder! i really enjoyed the movie, i've been hearing about it for quite some time, but hadn't had the chance to watch it yet - until tonite! if you haven't watched it, i suggest you do. and if you don't like well, i'll take the blame. my only wish is that someone had been here to watch it with... i kept wanting to comment on things and found myself staring at the air. oh well.

okay, i normally don't do this kind of thing, a moment by moment synopsis of my day or evening, because i think it gets old and pointless. but i had a wonderful afternoon/evening and felt like sharing. put a smile on my face, maybe some of it will put a smile on yours too :)

i'm just gonna take a minute...

Reminisce. Remember. Recollect.
Reflect on what has brought you to this moment.
Right here. Right now. Who are you?
And how did you become the person you are today?

we don’t just wake up one morning and decide – oh, now i’m going to be this way, without any rhyme or reason as to why. we develop over time. just as we develop from a child into an adolescent into an adult – we also develop who we are as individuals. and who we are is a reflection on what defines us. the elements of our past. the people. the places. the situations. the let-downs. the triumphs. the lessons… they all brought us to this moment. they are all responsible for who we are. and sometimes you need to take a step back and recall what influenced your present.

before i continue, allow me to clarify something: i am not saying to live in the past. i am simply asking that you appreciate how the past influenced who you are. so often i think we forget, or simply dismiss important elements of our lives. maybe because we no longer care, maybe because it is too painful, or maybe because we simply forget. things change. people, activities, and hobbies you used to find important change too, but don’t forget how those things used to make you feel. we all have parts of our past we would rather forget, but we shouldn’t. on the contrary we should embrace them…

live without regret. there are definitely parts of my past i’m not proud of, parts of my past that hurt to remember. i’ve lied. i’ve been lied to. i’ve hurt myself emotionally. i’ve hurt people i love. i’ve made bad choices. i’ve lost pieces of myself. i’ve held grudges. i’ve lost friendships. i’ve lived selfishly. i’ve cheated. i’ve behaved in a way not pleasing to God or myself. i’ve let people take advantage of me. i’ve made mistakes. i’ve lost loved ones. i’ve given in to temptation. i’ve had my heart broken. i’ve hurt myself physically. i’ve let things and people make up my self-worth. i’ve been dirty. i’ve been low… and i am thankful for every moment. every experience. every mistake. every person. because they brought me to today, to who i am.

last night at bible study, we had a heated discussion about how God creates us in His image – and how He wants the best for us. i won’t get into the opposing viewpoint, but the truth of the matter is this: i am God’s child. and my self-worth is defined through Him, not other people, not from my past, not from my works. my relationship with Him is the important thing. and God does not tempt me, God does not set things in front of me to hurt me. God gave me a free will, and i may choose to allow sin and pain to enter my life, but when i turn back to Him, He is always there. and i believe that God uses pain and suffering in our lives to bring us closer to Him, to teach us something.

i have no regrets because my past has taught me valuable life lessons. my past has brought me closer to God. my past holds within it people who changed my life, people i will remember for the rest of my life. my past holds pieces of who i was, who i am, and who i will always be. i carry those things with me and i hold them tight. because i am grateful for it all. i don’t dwell on the past, because i don’t think it’s healthy or beneficial, but i do think it is important to remember. because you can’t block out parts of your life. each piece is influential to who you are. ignoring a part of the puzzle gives you an incomplete picture, and the people who make up your life now, the people important to you now, deserve to see the whole picture – so let them. own your past, your present, and your future. it’s yours.