its not christmas without you.
i don't know why i made cut-out cookies by myself. i guess its because i know you would want me to... doesn't mean it was easy. i put on the oldies like you always did. i sang along. and i thought of you. its crazy to think that just a year ago we did that together. standing in your kitchen baking them together like we always had. every christmas i remember has you in it. you know - i was thinking back to last year. and i knew things weren't perfect... and you weren't doing your best - but i can't remember whether or not the thought of that being our last christmas together really ever crossed my mind. i don't think i wanted to even think about that as a possibility. i was always praying for a miracle you know? i was always hoping you would just get better. but you didn't...
i've listened to silent night about four times these past few weeks. whether it was on the radio. on the movie i was watching. or part of a holiday concert. i've cried 3 out of the 4 times. you loved that song so much - and i always loved how you got out all your christmas music boxes around this time - and how each one of them played that song. yes, silent night reminds me of you. sometimes i smile. sometimes i cry. or sometimes i do both. i don't know if you could call them happy tears during those instances - cuz honestly thinking about how you're gone doesn't make me happy. but thinking about you - and all the memories i have of you does.
its not christmas without you.
i think one of the things i miss most is how much joy you brought to my life, and everyone around you. there was just something about you being around that made me happy no matter what kind of day i was having. you were a light. and you still are...
silent night. holy night.
all is calm... all is bright.
you will forever be a light inside me. its so hard without you. i miss you every day. but i thank God for the difference you made while you were on this earth. i, for one, will never let go of that.
Auntie Karen - this is gonna be our first christmas without you. and its not going to be the same. its never going to be the same again... but i will always carry a part of you with me. through little things like hearing silent night. and making christmas cut-out cookies. and thinking about christmas trivia (even though we played that year round - carols and songs right? :D) i love you. i miss you. and i'll never stop doing either of those things. 'cept for that day i get to see you again - than i guess i won't ever have to miss you again huh? thanks for all the memories. thanks for making such an impression to remind me you're always with me in one way or another. merry christmas auntie karen. i'm thinking about you...
December 23, 2007
December 19, 2007
change is a choice
he always talked about how he had lost her. how it had been out of his control. she had stopped calling. she had stopped returning his phone calls. after awhile... she wouldn't pick up his calls. thanksgiving and christmas vacations would come and go - he would see her at the occasional party but she never let him get close. she always found a reason to leave. something to occupy her attention so that he could not interrupt. yes he lost her. sometimes, no matter how hard you hold on. how bad you want something. its just not possible. people change. and there is nothing you can do to stop it.
she felt suffocated. weighed down by the constant nagging voice. it was her life. the decisions she was making were hers to have. who was to tell her different? she couldn't take it. the criticism. the guilt. the voice on the other end of the phone telling her she was wrong. that she was making a lot of mistakes. that she was headed the wrong direction. it had to stop. the friendship that was hurting more than helping. she needed someone to lean on - not someone trying to hold her back. it hurt more than anyone will ever know. to end something that once meant so much is never easy. no matter if its the right thing or not. change is hard. but its a part of life. and so - she let go.
people are criticized for going from relationship to relationship. but maybe it was something he needed. the touch of a woman. someone to call his. a girl who was more than a friend. dating was something he did for himself. despite everyone else's opinions, he went for who he thought would make him happy. time after time. and when one ended - he was always back looking soon after. and you can't help but wonder - when will it stop? when will he finally find the girl who will never leave him. the relationship that will never end. when will the girl in his life stop changing. when... will he find what he is looking for?
she is ready. and she is waiting for her moment. she has given up on prince charming. a knight in shining armor. all that jazz. she just wants someone who loves her. who treasures her more than anything. she's not asking for anything fancy. simplicity and sincerity are fine. she just wants to hear she is beautiful. someone who will hold her for hours - and never want to let go. a man who is honest. kind. tender-hearted. with eyes that sparkle. and a smile that is contagious. a sense of humor. she is ready for a man who will be her best friend. someone who knows how to communicate. and who will listen. a man who loves God. and who was designed just for her. someone who fits. she still has some waiting to do - but she is willing. and when the day comes - that will be a change she will always be grateful for.
sometimes people change. and sometimes they don't. making a change in life is a choice. people can always change - its not a matter of "can". its a matter of "will". and sometimes its easier to stay the same. but if you really want something, and if you're willing to take a risk - you could find that change could be the best thing that ever happened to you.
but like i said. its your choice.
she felt suffocated. weighed down by the constant nagging voice. it was her life. the decisions she was making were hers to have. who was to tell her different? she couldn't take it. the criticism. the guilt. the voice on the other end of the phone telling her she was wrong. that she was making a lot of mistakes. that she was headed the wrong direction. it had to stop. the friendship that was hurting more than helping. she needed someone to lean on - not someone trying to hold her back. it hurt more than anyone will ever know. to end something that once meant so much is never easy. no matter if its the right thing or not. change is hard. but its a part of life. and so - she let go.
people are criticized for going from relationship to relationship. but maybe it was something he needed. the touch of a woman. someone to call his. a girl who was more than a friend. dating was something he did for himself. despite everyone else's opinions, he went for who he thought would make him happy. time after time. and when one ended - he was always back looking soon after. and you can't help but wonder - when will it stop? when will he finally find the girl who will never leave him. the relationship that will never end. when will the girl in his life stop changing. when... will he find what he is looking for?
she is ready. and she is waiting for her moment. she has given up on prince charming. a knight in shining armor. all that jazz. she just wants someone who loves her. who treasures her more than anything. she's not asking for anything fancy. simplicity and sincerity are fine. she just wants to hear she is beautiful. someone who will hold her for hours - and never want to let go. a man who is honest. kind. tender-hearted. with eyes that sparkle. and a smile that is contagious. a sense of humor. she is ready for a man who will be her best friend. someone who knows how to communicate. and who will listen. a man who loves God. and who was designed just for her. someone who fits. she still has some waiting to do - but she is willing. and when the day comes - that will be a change she will always be grateful for.
sometimes people change. and sometimes they don't. making a change in life is a choice. people can always change - its not a matter of "can". its a matter of "will". and sometimes its easier to stay the same. but if you really want something, and if you're willing to take a risk - you could find that change could be the best thing that ever happened to you.
but like i said. its your choice.
December 03, 2007
here's to the little things
people are always waiting for something big to happen. in the midst of the chaos they want something huge to change. people seem to think that just one major difference will make things better. everyone waits for that big moment. it rarely ever comes. instead i am going to make a case for the little things. for me, its the little things that make my day better. its the little things that make me smile. its the little things - that keep me going.
so i want to say thank you - for the little things. for the random text message saying simply "i love you" or "i'm thinking about you" or "hope you have a good day!" for the kind words over a phone call, or rather - the phone call itself. we all want to be thought of. someone simply picking up the phone to say "hi" means more than you will ever know. aww the little things. thank you for encouraging words. for simple phrases that make a difference. whether they are heard, or whether they are written between an online conversation (they mean the world to me).
the little things in life - well i guess you could say they save me. they let me know that i'm not alone. for it seems that God uses things like that in the times you need it the most. when you feel like your alone thats when He steps in and lets someone touch your life. through other people, He lets you know He is still there. Of course, He never really leaves - but sometimes we just need a little reminder. thats what little things are - reminders of God's love. His goodness. for He cares about each and every one of us, and He loves us unconditionally.
i would like to thank each and every one of you who have shared with me "little things". while they were simple and easy to do - they are in fact part of a lot bigger picture. maybe, little things aren't as little as you think. for in the end, they make a BIG difference.
so i want to say thank you - for the little things. for the random text message saying simply "i love you" or "i'm thinking about you" or "hope you have a good day!" for the kind words over a phone call, or rather - the phone call itself. we all want to be thought of. someone simply picking up the phone to say "hi" means more than you will ever know. aww the little things. thank you for encouraging words. for simple phrases that make a difference. whether they are heard, or whether they are written between an online conversation (they mean the world to me).
the little things in life - well i guess you could say they save me. they let me know that i'm not alone. for it seems that God uses things like that in the times you need it the most. when you feel like your alone thats when He steps in and lets someone touch your life. through other people, He lets you know He is still there. Of course, He never really leaves - but sometimes we just need a little reminder. thats what little things are - reminders of God's love. His goodness. for He cares about each and every one of us, and He loves us unconditionally.
i would like to thank each and every one of you who have shared with me "little things". while they were simple and easy to do - they are in fact part of a lot bigger picture. maybe, little things aren't as little as you think. for in the end, they make a BIG difference.
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