joyful, joyful.

have yourself a merry little Christmas, let your heart be light. from now on, our troubles will be out of sight... through the years we all will be together, if the fates allow... have yourself a merry little Christmas now <3>

they say, its the most wonderful time of the year. in retrospect, i would agree. everyone comes home for the holidays... chances to see friends and family members you have lost touch with over past months, chances to reconnect and spread a little bit of love. everyone gets into the Christmas spirit, or at least - almost everyone. Christmas carols play on the radio. holiday specials at every store. unique Christmas coffee flavors. its the time of the year where snow is embraced with open arms, just in hopes of having a white Christmas. in the spirit of Christmas, you find that you give a little more of yourself. you're more open to people. you go out of your way to make everything as good as possible. you take risks. you spend a little extra. all in hopes of making it the best Christmas ever. sometimes, you expect little - only concerned about giving all that you can. and in those times, often, that is when you receive the most. in light of expecting nothing, i think that often God blesses us when we least expect it. we set ourselves up with little promise, and He surprises us with His blessings in different ways... in an unexpected gift. a phone call. extra hours at work. coffee with an old friend. a beautiful day. and in reflection of all the things God gives us, the most amazing gift He has ever given us is Jesus. after all, that is the true meaning of Christmas. so often we forget why Christmas is such an exciting time, why we give gifts, why we get together with family. we get so caught up in the hustle and bustle that we forget to slow down and remember why we're celebrating in the first place.

in the past few years, Christmas has changed a lot for me and my family. when my aunt passed away, suddenly things got a lot harder... it became more of a challenge to remain joyful during the holidays. i've noticed it this year for some reason - my brother has been anti-Christmas music, or anything that really has to do with Christmas. my family as a whole has lost a lot of interest in going to church on Christmas eve. i think its just a reminder that we're not complete. in lieu of the holiday season, we're missing a vital part of our family. and every service, they sing silent night. and you would think it would get easier to hear, but for me, its not. i hear my aunts favorite song, and tears still come to the surface. and every Christmas, i make cut-out cookies, because its what karen and i always did together, for as long as i can remember. its hard to do it, honestly. but i feel like i have to, in memory of her. because Christmas is a time to remember. a time to cherish. a time to be joyful, and grateful for all the blessings God has given us. to remember that we get to see our loved ones again someday because He gave us the ultimate gift of Jesus... to be born, to live, and to die... for us. that is the beauty of Christmas everyone, try to remember it. let your heart be light. count your blessings. thank God. delight in family. be kind to a stranger. go out of your way to impact someone's life, just like Jesus impacts ours, each and every day. because really, Jesus is the reason for every season, for every day, for everything.

Ruddy.

Growing up, I remember asking for a puppy every Christmas and birthday, and my brother did the same. We used to write it on our list and hand it to our parents, knowing they would say it wasn't going to happy but doing it anyway. We thought, someday, they would give in. As we started into our teenage years, however, the hope of that dream ever coming true began to decrease slowly... until we gave up. I went to college, and my childhood dream of having a puppy of my own seemed lost with my innocence and carefree days ... ha. But then, a new tactic came into play - the importance of a hunting dog. My brother and dad both being avid hunters, it seemed reasonable. Of course, I did my damn best to help the proceedings, because that meant a puppy would finally reside in our pet-less abode. This spring, the same week I came home for summer vacation, we brought home a black lab... Ruddy. The cutest thing you had ever seen. Even in the first couple weeks, he never whined at night, something very unusual for a pup who has just been taken away from his mother. He was amazing. Only peed inside twice, or so. Of course, it wasn't all fun and games... with a household of people unaccustomed to a pet, there were some adjustments to be made. Especially with four people with working schedules. At times, it was a hassle. But we survived. We played. We laughed. We scooped poop. We fell in love. He was everything we ever wanted, and more. Our own little romping pup of fun. As expected, training for hunting had to begin. So Ruddy went away to puppy school for three months, right when I went to college in August/September. He was able to come home on weekends, and I had the privilege of seeing him every time I made the trek back. Always full of life, and excited beyond belief to see me and anyone he encountered. Tail wagging, jumping and licking, he was a joy to come home to. A soft, cuddly, loving pup. Over thanksgiving I got to just cuddle with him, and I was so thrilled to come home for Christmas break knowing that he would be done with puppy school. A whole month of Ruddy!

Wednesday I got a call from my dad... he was at the vet with Ruddy. Ruddy had fallen over going to the bathroom, and my dad had to go over and pick him up. Obviously, he knew there was something wrong. The fear was that it would be hip problems, common amongst dogs/labs, etc. It wasn't, but what it was was much worse... Ruddy had torn the tendons in the knees of both of his back legs. How it happened, well, we will never know. The diagnosis continued to speak bad news... it would only get worse, and the only means of fixing it equals a six to seven thousand dollar surgery, three thousand plus for each leg. We can't afford that. And even if we could, for each leg Ruddy would have to stay still for 3 months to let him heal, and that's not fair either. I didn't know how bad it was until I got home today. My dad took him out to pee and kept holding up his left leg. Needless to say, its not good. We've all been crying all day. I sat with him on his rug for a long time, and he put his paws and his head on my lap, and I lost it. Just looking at him breaks your heart. Because our only option is to put him down... sooner or later, most likely sooner because its just going to get worse until he won't be able to go to the bathroom anymore.

It doesn't make sense you know? We waited so long to get a puppy and made sure it was what we wanted to do... my dad checked out the guy he got it from, and the pedigree for the mother was good. Ruddy was even born on my Aunt's birthday... we thought for sure that was a blessing from God. Now, it looks like he will be going to join my Aunt in heaven. I really don't understand. He is the most well behaved, loving dog ever. (okay, i realize most people would say that about their dogs... but at least, if you're a dog lover you understand). I just fell in love with him and now he's going to be taken away. And he's so happy, and acts so normal in all other aspects that its just so surreal. Blah. Idk when this is going to happen, but my whole family could use some prayers. I can't even imagine people who have had their dogs for years and years, except maybe this would be easier if he had lived a long life... he's just a puppy. He's not even a year old... how can this be happening? I love my little Ruddy-dog. I love him so much. And this sucks...

What A Friend.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7

This morning I awoke to a loud banging on my door. Awaking from sleep, this can be quite alarming. It was 8 AM, and clad only in shorts and a see-through white tank top, I quickly ran to answer the door. It was my neighbor, needing me to move my car. Peering outside I saw that the world was white - white as snow... lots and lots of snow. I grabbed my keys, a nearby jacket, and snow boots and went outside. I think I must have looked quite, interesting to say the least. Hair disheveled. Shorts and snow boots in 6+ inches of snow. Still wearing my retainers, which I of course forgot about until I started talking to him. Nice. I crawled back into bed and slept for another two hours... and when my alarm went off, I thought of the snow in contrast to the warmth of my bed, and seriously considered skipping church. But, the Lord was telling me to stop being lazy and get out of bed. (in some way or another). So, I ventured out into the winter wonderland and made it to church. And, boy am I glad I did.

The verse above is one of, if not my ultimate, favorite. Those are the verses I have clung to for years... in the midst of little problems, little worries, or large-scale life changing complications and changes. Those words have been my comfort, my guide. And this morning, my pastor gave a whole sermon on those two verses. I could have screamed. What luck! It's wonderful to delight in God's word, but to really take it apart and examine what lies under the surface is where true understanding is reached - where your heart is really challenged. Needless to say, I felt convicted this morning.

My pastor posed this question, and so I'm going to lay it out here as well: What is your instinctive response to fear, anxiety, and worry?? In other words, where do you turn in the midst of these feelings? In my own personal experience, it is easier to turn to other people and other things. Comfort foods. A call to a friend. A glass of wine. Sleep. A rantful blog. But, the thing we seem to forget about most often is Jesus. The power of prayer. Yikes, right? Yeah... that's how I feel. Too often I find myself engaging in simplistic prayers that barely brush the surface, when really prayer should be like breathing - you should want to welcome Jesus into EVERYTHING, to be real, open, and brutally honest about our feelings and emotions. When we keep things from Him, we are basically saying that we are happy with a superficial relationship with Him. Worry about things in place of God, is putting those things as Idols. Uh oh...

I don't want to preach to you. That's not my job, or my calling. But God was working in my heart this morning, and I felt inclined to share. To see God is amazing. To know God is amazing. To realize that He is working in your life, is inspiring... encouraging. I am guilty of not running to God in the midst of my fears, and anxieties. I will pour my heart out to my friends, or to my journal/blog... but I am hesitant to pour it out to God. God is the first place I should be running, to lay everything down at His feet and ask for His help. And furthermore, I should be thanking Him for who He is. That I have a friend so amazing, so loving, that He would take all of my weight onto His shoulders. He possesses the power to fill us with peace, with joy, in spite of everything the world throws on us. But, so often, we ignore that.

We are in need of a deep prayer life. An ongoing, intimate, relationship with God. Just as we would form a relationship with a friend, we need to be honest with God in order for that relationship to grow. I want that. A friend like that... a friend who will never fail me, never leave me, never forsake me... a friend who will always love me unconditionally, no matter what. What a gift. What a joy! We can never lose God. Ever. He is always there. And to delight in that should be our constant desire. It is possible to live a life free from worry, anxiety, and fear... it is possible through God. All things are possible through God, if only we are willing to run to Him - continually, over and over again. You have been given a gift - don't take Him for granted.

A Cordial Cup

Let me start off by saying this: I am a coffee addict. And I mean that wholeheartedly. It is serious enough that I have looked up "Caffeine Addicts Anonymous" on the e-net and tried to figure out steps to decrease my caffeine (coffee) dependence. I blame this addiction on my mother, who started me off drinking coffee at a young age - always saying that she would rather have me drinking coffee than pop. Which, I would agree to as well. As a result, I never, or rarely, drink pop. So I suppose that tactic worked out well. However, it has left me with an extreme addiction to coffee. Which of course, has led me to form a rather opinionated view on how I like my coffee. To be truthful, I am rather versatile. If there is coffee to drink, I will drink it - in some form or another. At home, I drink it one of two ways - either black (straight up) or with vanilla soy milk (my favv). It's inexpensive. It's grand. It makes my mornings worthwhile. Still, I do treat myself to coffee on a regular basis... at least once a week. Being a college student, I require a lot of coffee to stay alert and on top of my task. And as wonderful as a fresh pot of coffee is, it gets boring to simply make pot after pot on a daily basis. (yes, i just said i can drink multiple pots of coffee a day. guilty). And so, I buy coffee.

Now, here is where the real issue comes in. Making coffee at home is the easy part - unless you have a fancy latte machine, or coffee maker, your choices are limited, and you learn to delight in simplicity. However, when you go out and buy coffee... suddenly you are presented with a world of options. Regular Brew. Iced. Latte. Americano. Espresso. Cappuccino. Flavoring. How many shots of espresso. What kind of milk. Special Holiday flavors. New drinks. The list goes on and on... How does a coffee lover ever choose? Honestly, its not that hard. Because, coffee lovers know what they love whereas amateurs are more prone to explore. I mean, I will venture every now and then and try something new - but I know what I like. Those drinks are my friends, and I hold them dear to me. So. Normally, I enjoy either a regular cup of Joe (with cream) or i will mix it up with a shot of Vanilla. Or, if I am getting a latte (which I LOVE to do), I most likely will get Vanilla or Irish Creme. Now - where is the best place to get coffee? 

Coffee lovers, stand your ground. Own your coffee of choice. But this is my opinion. First of all, I have to admit that Starbucks has enjoyed a lot of my business... 1) Because my Uncle gives me a Gift Card every year for a $100 2) The two colleges I have attended have/had locations very close to school. aka The Convenience Factor. So... I am guilty of supporting corporate coffee. However, this is not my choice, or love. I greatly prefer, by a hundred times, non-corporately owned businesses. By that I mean - no franchises. No Dunn Bros. No Starbucks. No Caribou. No Panera. Anywhere that sells coffee across the world does not get my vote. I prefer little, locally owned businesses. In my hometown, we have little coffee huts everywhere, owned by different people. Super cute, drive up facilities, that I believe, make some of the best coffee around. To me, it tastes better. Unfortunately I have never worked in a coffee shop (tragic, i know) so I can't tell you what the distinct difference is (variance of ingredients, etc). But, I can just tell you its better. Another reason I think this is, is due to the quality of service, and customer appreciation.

For example. I have been in Greeley now for a whole semester, and so naturally I have been using the said gift card given by my uncle for my little coffee breaks throughout the year. Starbucks has been my friend, my savior, in desperate times of studying needs. However, I have been lacking... craving for something more. A few days ago, I found it. Nestled behind a Walgreens a few blocks from my house... is Your Place Coffee. A tiny venue with a few tables, and a couple couches. The atmosphere is perfect, and I was greeted with a friendly face. I went there two days in a row, and already the girls at the counter knew my name. That, right there, is part of the difference. I bet you I went to Starbucks consecutive days in a row on multiple occasions throughout this semester and saw a variety of different employees, and none of them ever knew me. There is something about getting a cup of coffee from someone who is genuinely in the business to serve. Who created the establishment because they enjoy that kind of connection, and who have hired people who enjoy the same. And so, whether the coffee turns out better or not, I am more willing to support those small businesses. Because they're in it for people (most of the time). I feel better on spending my money on coffee that is made by people who recognize my face and ask how my day is going, then a corporate business that is all about expansion and increased revenue. I love coffee, but I love it more coming from people who love it too. I believe the atmosphere contributes to an excellent coffee experience... and that is why I prefer little coffee cafe's/huts to businesses like Starbucks. 

Coffee is very important to me, and I take it seriously. I am an addict. I am a lover. I am a friend. An avid supporter. A frequent flier. A life-long subscriber. Coffee makes the world go round. Coffee is God's way of telling me He loves me :) Coffee gives me beautiful mornings, wonderful conversations with friends, enjoyable evenings, strength to study. There is something about the simple aroma, the warmth that gets me, time and time again, keeps me coming back for me. Coffee = Love, and I believe it is important how you go about drinking it. Choose wisely my friends, the right cup of coffee can make a world of difference.

friends vs. lovers

Chances are, most of us have been involved in platonic friendships in our lives: close, involved, non-sexual relationships with a member of the opposite sex. These friendships are rare and special, they provide a friendship that is not possible with members of the same sex. They are a breath of fresh air. And, they are often met with skepticism from others. You know, "There is no way you guys are 'Just Friends'" Or the constant inquiry - "Are you sure you don't like him?" It can start to become very frustrating, constantly trying to explain that you really are, just friends. Yes, platonic friendships are tricky. And some might simply deem that they are not possible, because, at some point, one person ends up falling for the other. I both agree and disagree with this statement. 

I think that often times we start to question our feelings for the other person because of other people that doubt the relationship. When you are constantly having to deny you care about someone as more than a friend there is a part of you that second guesses yourself. We are just friends (aren't we?). If other people are questioning your platonic relationship, does that mean you should too? Do they see something you don't? Furthermore, when you become so close to a member of the opposite sex its hard not to entertain ideas that exceed beyond friendship. It's how we are programmed. Females are attracted to males, and males are attracted to females. (Yes, duh.) And obviously, when you come to trust someone so much in a friendship it is easy to wonder if you would be just as compatible as more than friends. There is a reason why you make great friends, so would you make great lovers? Hmm. :) 

Throughout my lifetime, I have dealt with these kinds of questions on multiple occasions. In one example, a four year friendship actually did lead to both of us developing feelings for each other and taking things to the next level. Sometimes, it really does work for relationships to develop out of friendships. But, I ended up losing that person as a "significant other" (or whatever we were for the time being), and as a friend. Which brings another complication into the picture. If you do develop feelings for the other person, what do you do about it? You could risk the friendship for something more in hopes of finding something great, or... you could risk your relationship and lose it all. In that case, I'm not really sure its worth it. Often times, I think these rare friendships are worth more than risking losing them entirely. But, I guess thats your call. 

And then, there are the friendships that really are just that - friendships. That person is someone you can count on. Someone you can call. Someone you can have fun with, just hang out, relax, chat, grab dinner. That person is someone special in your life. You always have a good time. On some level, you love them in a platonic way. And through this wonderful connection, you start to wonder if you have more feelings. In my thought process, often times I just think - they are such a good friend, maybe I should like them. But I think underneath it all, there is a reason why I am just friends with those boys. On some level, I know that it really wouldn't work out. But, that doesn't keep me from wondering. And I think that is only natural. Because sometimes things do reach the next level, sometimes best friends really do become more than friends. 

But if it doesn't happen for you, stand strong. If you really are, "just friends" with a member of the opposite sex, know that its okay. Platonic relationships are possible, despite all the skepticism. I think that the people who constantly question you, are just jealous. :) So, stick up for your friendship. Delight in knowing that you are lucky enough to have a rare friendship with a member of the opposite sex. Friendships with the opposite sex give you something that your girlfriends or guy friends cannot, because males and females are different, and we correspond in different ways. And that is something to treasure. Sometimes, friends do turn into lovers. And sometimes, friends do remain friends. Either way, its a good thing. So delight in that. 

I'm not really sure if this made sense... ha. But I have really been struggling with my past friendships with boys, and friendships in my present. Due to past situations, current situations, intricate conversations, and questioning motives, its hard not to wonder. Plus, a woman's brain is constantly going. Thanks God :) Just had to put some of this into written form. Any thoughts? Loves everyone.

just keep on smiling.

i feel as if when you go to extraordinary lengths to make sure all things are in order, that you, yourself, is in order, and that you have set yourself up for success - that is when something goes wrong. it's comical actually. i made myself a to-do list last night to make sure i didn't forget anything this morning. i got up at 6 o'clock instead of the normal 6:45/7ish to make sure i showered and still had time to pack my car and put everything together. (yes, i am going home today!). i also bought a brand new pair of boots last night with my new Payless employee discount - 50% off equals the cutest black boots, for $20. naturally, i wanted to wear them today. so i picked out the perfect outfit to accompany them. yes, an outfit really can start with only a pair of shoes. :) well. i left my house extra early to fill up with gas to save time after class, and splurged on a triple venti non-fat vanilla latte from starbucks, totalling $4.84. i was 5 minutes late to class because of it, but that was okay - because i had my saving liquid in a cup, and i looked cute. half way through glass, the girl sitting next to me elbowed my coffee and in a matter of seconds i was now wearing my four dollars and 84 cents, hot liquid ALL over my shirt and pants. the girl felt bad; and she gave me four dollars. i said it was fine, really, i was just laughing to myself. it seemed ironic. something like that would only happen when i really wanted to wear what i was wearing, and when i had spent a dollar more than normal... lol.

needless to say, i had to go home and change, and spray my clothes, so i can soak them tonight when i get home. as a result, i missed my nine o'clock class. but it's okay. because its a beautiful day, its going to be almost 57 degrees. and after chemistry (which i have in fifteen minutes), i am heading to Fort Collins, picking up Cam, and heading home! and that just makes this day still perfect. and i have a new latte in my hand, and the world is okay. no reason to get upset over little things. i mean, its annoying, but not upsetting. there are worse things. and i think that is the important thing to remember. that things could always be much worse - and sometimes we get so worked up over things that don't even matter, and we end up just wasting a lot of energy to be negative when really, there isn't any reason to act that way. i don't know. i'm just grateful for all this day has to offer, and the beginning of it just adds something comical.

its friday people! thanksgiving is less than a week away. its that time of the year when christmas carols start playing, and everyone is bright and cheery (or rather, is supposed to be). it's time to give people a break. smile instead of frown. and live life. get into the holiday spirit. smile at a stranger. just be THANKFUL for everything you are given. family. friends. beautiful november days. God is good. and if you just look around, i'm sure you would see that. loves!

We Will Be.

He asks me why I am so quiet, and I just stare.

It wasn't that I had nothing to say; in fact, thoughts were bouncing around in my head like a hundred bouncy balls up and down on the hot cement... the cement where we were now lying, together, on his worn Buzz Lightyear beach towel, clad only in undergarments - thoroughly exposed. His is skin dark and vibrant, contrasting with white boxer briefs and sandy blonde hair. His wide blue eyes glow as he smiles, revealing those dimples I know so well.

He asks me why I'm so quiet, and I kiss him.

And then it begins again, the events that brought us here in the first place. The undeniable attraction that we both feel, and that I have felt for the past three years. And finally, he is here. He is mine. And this is our moment, our chance to have it all. I know that once it ends he will go back to his girlfriend, go back to his life, and he will pretend that he doesn't love me. But we both will know it is a lie. I love him. And not just a naive, butterfly kind of love, but the kind of love that hurts. That starts at my heart and ends at the pit of my stomach. Aching. Throbbing. Wanting. Bleeding. More. More. More.

He asks me to tell him what I am thinking.

I press my hands against his bare skin, and climb on. Is it only me, or do our bodies seem to perfectly align? Like this is meant to be. Only, I know it will end, and so I grab on. And together our bodies begin to make music against the sunlight. Chords of desperate longing, and passion. Notes cry out into the open air - clear and bright. An overture begging for definition, for the defiance of self and the presence of commitment. Oh, this is only the prelude, and every song has an ending, but that is no reason not to enjoy the music. Especially music as sweet as this. Skin on skin.

He tells me that he loves me, and he means it.

I know that he does. My heart responds within my chest; ba bump, ba bump. Growing louder until I swear its exposed. Another rhythm to the developing chorus. We are about to write the love story of our lives. A secret affair, or an open relationship? Only he will decide. But my love will not falter. It will continue to play loud and strong, up until the last movement, the last chord. And I will fade into the darkness holding on to the sweet taste of saliva, the feel of his hands along my body - intimacy in its rarest form, and true love. Whatever that may mean, undefinable as it seems, I know it exists.

I tell him to just hold me, and he does.

I close my eyes and wish for time to stop. To trap us forever, here and now... Forever against him, making love from sunrise to sunset, stopping only to catch our breath. The most beautiful song on repeat. For I found my one, my only, and in this moment, he is mine.

float on.

I wish everyone was loved tonight, and somehow stop this endless fight, just a chance that maybe we'll find better days...

sometimes i feel like i'm just floating. through hours. through days. through weeks. and then i look back and realize a month has gone by, and i don't know how. do you ever just stop and wonder how time moves so fast? i mean, really. one day we're trying to survive bus rides after school. the next we're tossing our caps at high school graduation. and then suddenly the end of college is in sight. the "real world" is no longer just part of a taunt from our parents, no longer something we can't comprehend. its here. its now. and as life moves forward, and as we get older it seems like things just get harder. and we let things slip away, because we're too busy. too preoccupied. too concerned with other things that won't really matter in the end. we let life get in the way. all the time. we allow it to take over, and instead of us living our lives - it is living for us. sometimes you just have to stop and breathe.

i went home this weekend. when i transferred here i tried to make a pact with myself that i would limit my time and trips home to make the transition easier. to really apply myself and form relationships here - to set out on a journey that would make the next two years enjoyable academically, socially, and spiritually. this was my time. my time to be myself and stand on my own two feet. i'm not sure that i'm doing that... but, my dad is having medical problems. and my mother assures me that its not life threatening but i can't help to flashback to 3 years ago when things started going downhill for my aunt. i know thats an unfair comparison, but it seems like it always starts with something else... and then the next day you're hearing the worst. and either way, it its a big deal. and my family is stressed. my dad is hurt and anxious, and although he's hesitant to admit it i know he's scared. and my mom is trying to keep everything together but she's hurting too. and so i just wanted to go home and be there for my family. to spend time with them. even if that meant just watching the football game with my dad on sunday afternoon. just being there was a joy and an encouragement to me. because life is too short. and he most likely will be okay, although, this might change his life drastically. but, i want to know that i was there. it kills me not to be there. i want to be a part of what is going on. thats my family. they are the most important part of me.

and so i'm floating. through days, through tests, through assignments. i more than likely failed my chemistry test yesterday, something that would normally get me all stressed and worked up but i really don't care. not at all. and i know thats bad. i know i'm slipping. i wouldn't even say that i'm unhappy but at the same time i don't feel like myself. i don't have a big appetite anymore, and sometimes i throw up the things i eat. i grasp at every opportunity to get some extra sleep. about the only things i look forward to with enthusiasm are running and going to church. church gives me that fire. God gives me that fire. and thats why i can say i'm not depressed. i'm not alone. i'm just hurting a little. and i'm clinging. because i feel a little lost right now, and i'm not sure how to fix that. i'm trying to find my motivation. my mojo. my peppy, ready to roll self. but until i find it, i think i'll just keep floating and pray to God that i don't fall.

this is the day that the Lord has made right? I will rejoice and be glad in it... no matter how hard it is. no matter how alone we feel. no matter how much i just want to throw in the towel and say, screw it. each and every day is a gift. today it was 65 degrees, the sun was shining, and its november. in november God still is gracious enough to give us days like today. and in those moments we can realize we are blessed. truly blessed. and we are not alone. not for one second. and that gives us hope. for all of us to search for better days. to hang on, even when we feel like giving up. you might just be floating, but you're still alive. and thats a reason to celebrate.

Light the Flame.

"How strange that the young should always think the world is against them - when in fact that is the only time it is for them." -Mignon McLaughlin

Now we have the world at our fingertips. There is a fire inside of us that screams to be invincible, to rise above and test the boundaries. In everything we do we long to take risks. Sometimes we realize that this might mean we will fail, land flat on our faces. But, in the face of the future, it doesn't matter. All that matters is that we try. That we follow through with our ideas, our dreams, our goals, despite how they appear to those around us. It is the risks that make us individuals. It is the act of stepping into unknown water that builds our character. And when people tell us we can't do something - that gives us all the more reason to do it, to try it again and again until we succeed. This is the beginning of the rest of our lives. As our college years dwindle to less than half, we suddenly are grasping at straws to stay where we are. To be allowed to remain young - somewhat irresponsible and without rule. To stay immersed in the world of knowledge and learning. To expand our minds and test our beliefs. We say we want to grow up, but in a few years we will be looking back wishing for today. Today is now. Today is your chance, your opportunity to do anything you want. Take a risk. Step outside of the box. Do something out of the ordinary. Maybe it will be an unsuccessful attempt; or maybe, it will be beginning of something extraordinary. Life is yours for the taking. So don't sit back and watch it pass you by. Here comes the rest of our lives. Endless possibility awaits. People we have yet to encounter, dreams we have yet to conquer, and places we have yet to explore. Who knows where we will be ten years from now, or rather, if we will still be around. Life is too short to argue over the petty things, to cause drama. Life is too short to wait for tomorrow. Live for today. Live for yourself - whatever that may mean. Each person is different. But inside every one of us there is a fire burning. Burning to make a difference and to try something new. Don't let that fire burn out - ignite the flame in the hearts of others. Let us be a generation that burns bright.

24 things for 24 boys.

There are 24 boys that I have at least "made-out" with in my life. I would say that not even half of that number knew, or knows, who I really am. I'm not saying that these are bad guys, not by any means (even though I have had some assholes in my day). In fact a lot of them are amazing guys. But - I'm saying that sometimes we let people connect with us physically when they don't even know us. So in light of that, I thought I would write 24 things that I bet only a handful of these boys know about me, or rather, that maybe few people know about me. Just a few little things. :) To share more about who I am.

1. First – my first real kiss with tongue was playing spin-the-bottle, and the boy left a ring of saliva around my mouth. Not good. That same night I spent an enjoyable amount of time making out with boy 2. I had imagined saving my first kiss for someone that meant something to me… Fail.
2. One of my biggest fears is choking, especially when I’m by myself. My dad has had to save my life twice and I’m scared that someday it’s going to happen and no one is going to be around to save me. Thus, one of the reasons why I purposely neglect to take my daily vitamins.
3. I have a stuffed teddy named “Bear Bear” that I’ve had since I was 18 months old… I am now almost 21 and I still fall asleep holding him.
4. I more or less have the movie Pearl Harbor memorized, line by line. And it still makes me cry – 9 times out of 10.
5. I am very self-conscious about my stomach. I’ve never had abs and I’m sure I never will, but no matter how skinny people tell me I am I still have a huge issue with my stomach. It makes me feel fat, even when I know I’m not.
6. I like snow. I love Christmas. I like winter. But, I prefer summer.
7. I love doing laundry. I like to vacuum. And I don’t mind dusting. But I HATE doing the dishes. There will be a dishwasher in my future home, and 95% of everything will go in there if I have anything to say about it.
8. I don’t like wearing socks, at all. They bother me. I will wear them in the winter, in my running shoes etc. But as soon as I’m home they come off. They make my feet feel claustrophobic.
9. I don’t really like pop. But if I had to choose – Sprite is soothing. Pepsi over Diet Pepsi, and Diet Coke over Coke.
10. I am Christian. But it’s more than that – I love Jesus and my faith in Him is by far the most important thing in my life, even if I fail to show that. He is the only constant “man” in my life and He loves me unconditionally no matter what. His grace never ends… I want to live for Him. And I want Him to be at the center of my future marriage. I want to fall in love with a man who loves God. I fail time and time again, at putting Him first – but that’s what my heart wants.
11. I am obsessed with pictures and quotes. I love taking pictures. Looking at pictures. Framing pictures. Capturing the moments when I’m happy, with people who made me that way. And quotes have a way of lifting my spirits, giving me a little bit of hope or encouragement. I look for quotes online, and save them :)
12. I used to be a vodka girl, but now I’m a beer girl, through and through. I could contribute that to having too much fun with vodka or spending the majority of my drinking days around boys – but either way, I love beer.
13. I’m lucky enough to have an amazing family. Not one of those ones that you dread getting together, but one in which I’m sad every time I miss out on an occasion. My parents are incredible beyond belief, my brother is quiet but has a great heart, and my extended family loves me, and not just because they have to. I love my family.
14. I’m a sucker for chick-flicks and cute romantic novels. I know I’m an English major and I’m supposed to have more intellectual tastes, but Nicholas Sparks still makes me smile in a simple way and The Notebook gets me every time.
15. I can’t sleep in pants, or long sleeve shirts. If forced (extremely cold, or in the event that I pass out in what I’m wearing… ha.), I will obviously. But in normal circumstances – no way. Shorts/Underwear and a T-shirt/Tank Top. That’s it folks.
16. I love running. I have always been a runner, and hopefully I will always be a runner. It makes me feel good, it’s fun, and it relieves my stress. There something about having a good run that no other exercise can come close to.
17. I prefer small coffee huts/café’s over Starbucks, or Dunn Bros, or Caribou or any of the other big coffee brands. I think they have better coffee – and also care more about the people rather than the business. Oh, and I’m addicted to coffee, seriously.
18. Green is my favorite color.
19. I have kept a blog for the past 6ish years of my life, and I bet only 10 people I know knew that. I didn’t tell anyone. It was my secret, especially this one. But recently, I posted the addy on Facebook – so now if someone runs across it so be it, I write for myself, not for other people.
20. I like to bake; I don’t really like to cook. Or maybe, I just don’t have enough practice…
21. I do care about getting physical with someone. Despite the drunken make-outs and the pointless “hook-ups,” I care. Sure, I think it can be fun but at the end of the day, I’m still the girl who wants the fairy tale. I’m still the girl who wants to be cherished, and loved, and appreciated – not used. And so, I care.
22. Music heals the soul. True story.
23. I’m easily pleased. I don’t need fancy things. Give me a beautiful day amongst nature with the people I love and I will be perfectly fine.
24. I like my bed against the wall. And I usually sleep facing towards it. And even in the summer I like a lot of covers on my bed. A sheet and a comforter won’t do. I need more to feel safe. To be comfortable.

on your side...

i want to write now, but i can't. it might come later but for now i just thought i would share where my hearts been the last couple days. this song has been on repeat, and right now its bringing me tears. so i thought i would just share the lyrics :)

On Your Side - Graham Colton

I'm not asking for forever, And I don't need much of your time, I know we can't be together, but you should know I'm on your side. Its where I'll always be... Its alright for you to be scared, I'll drive all night, I'll go anywhere. If someday our stars don't align, We'll go our own ways, You should know I'm always on your side. Could I have treated you better, something else I could have tried. I don't have to be the one you dream about, But you should know I'm on your side, It's where I've always been. It's alright for you to be scared, I'll drive all night, I'll go anywhere. If someday our stars don't align, We'll go our own ways, You should know I'm always on your side. I don't know where you are, but I know where you've been, You're just a small town girl, You didn't care about nothing... I don't know where to start, But I hope that it ends up with you, Being happy wherever you are forever... I'm not asking for forever, And I don't need much of your time. Its alright for you to be scared, I'll drive all night, I'll go anywhere, If someday our stars don't align, We'll go our own ways, You should know it's always... It's alright for you to be scared, I"ll stay up all night, I won't go anywhere...

wrap your arms around me.

there have been a handful of moments in my life where i've fallen asleep next to a man, but i remember every one of them vividly: falling asleep next to someone i cared about deeply in that hotel room, still clothed. or the boy with the basement bedroom, only because it felt good to be wanted. drunken nights - crashing next to the friends, the interests, the unexplainable. or sleeping over for a few hours, not wanting to leave, just wanting to prolong the moment as long as we could... we all always have an excuse to get closer. to be closer.

there is something comforting about another person next to you in the dark, skin on skin, hands clasped together. the faint breath against your neck. knowing you are not alone. fingertips making their way across your body. soft kisses on your cheek. feet on feet, making each other warm. those arms telling you without words, that you're safe. no one is going to harm you. here in this bed, in this moment, someone cares. or perhaps not even touching, but just lying next to someone. and knowing that inches away from you lies another human being. and somehow, you're connected, even if not by a physical touch. you are together in this moment. and you fall asleep knowing that you are not alone.

looking back now, i recall how safe i felt during those times. and in one of those moments, i realized something. this is how it is supposed to be. spending your life next to someone night after night, the comfort of lying there side by side. when someone really cares about you, loves you, they will want to spend all of thier nights holding you. end all of their days with you in their arms. and i can't wait for that. to fall asleep knowing the person next to me isn't going anywhere. and that when morning comes, it will be another beginning to a day that will end just the same...

everyone needs someone. as strong as we like to pretend we are, and as much as we brag that single is the way to go, deep down we still all want someone. that is how we were created. woman from man. woman for man. together creating a perfect union. we weren't meant to be alone. and so deep within us there is this longing, this calling, to find someone. someone to hold us in the dark. night after night. to be there at the end of the day. and so, perhaps a lot of us are still waiting for the "one". but that doesn't mean we don't have needs, or desires. i lied before... when i said love was not necessary to survive. everyone needs love. "all we need is love". unconditional love. and until we find that... maybe, someone next to us to let us know its going to be okay every now and then, that we are not alone.

do you know i cry?

"The courage of life is a magnificent mixture of triumph and tragedy. A man does what he must, in spite of personal consequences, in spite of obstacles and dangers and pressures. And that is the basis of all morality". - John F. Kennedy

There are moments in our lives in which we are weak. Moments in which we are at the bottom of our game, the bottom of our hole. And even if it doesn't appear that way to anyone else, we feel it. Inside ourselves there is a lack of desire, a feeling of inadequacy, a wounded heart, lies that tell us we will never be okay again. In these moments we lose sight of who we are, and instead are overwhelmed with the pressures against us - begging us to fail. waiting for our defeat. hoping that we will give up. But it is in these moments of weakness that we are given the choice to rise up and be strong. We break so we can heal. We crawl so we can run. We die so we can live. We cry so we can laugh. We fall so we can stand. We drown so we can breathe. And then we arise, stronger than we were yesterday. Ready to face what lies ahead. Sometimes, it may only be gradually, and in others we are ready to defy all obstacles head on.

In those moments of weakness its hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Cleaning out my email account today, I stumbled across some emails I had saved from what seems like another lifetime. And in them I found remnants of who I was. A young girl, overly emotional, scared, willing to let anyone in who cared to listen simply because she needed to be heard. I was that girl, tearful, depressed, cry herself to sleep, kind of girl. And few would have known it, I like to label it "closet emo", my true unhappiness hidden from the rest of the world, pretending to be something I wasn't. But the truth was, I was anything but strong. I clung to the people around me for support, felt like dying if they let me down, if they weren't there to break my fall. At the time, my life seemed like chaos and confusion - a pattern of dissapointment. At the time, I remember feeling helpless. But looking back on it now, reliving bits and pieces as I read through those emails today, is the picture of a girl I barely know - barely recognize. And thats because I am stronger today than I was than. I have risen above. I have found myself. I have found my voice. I have learned to rely on God instead of the people around me. Not to say that I still don't count on my closest friends to be there for me, but the relationships I have are healthy and honest.

I'm not saying that I'm "healed", no longer prone to failure. I'm not saying that I don't have moments of weakness. As a matter of fact, I had one today. I got home from Bible Study and just sat and cried for a good ten minutes. But the thing is, thats okay. Its okay to cry. Its okay to get upset. Its okay to experience hurt. frustration. disappointment. confusion. But learning to deal with it is where the strength comes in. You can't dwell on all the things going wrong in your life... because chances are you have a lot more to be thankful for. You have to face things head on. Learn to confront them, and deal with them in the way you see fit. Whether thats talking to a friend, writing it down, pouring it out to God, or simply allowing yourself to cry and take a deep breath. We must do what we can to get through this crazy life. But we must believe that we are capable of enduring whatever it throws at us. That we are strong enough to conquer, and that we have what it takes to survive.

When we allow things to eat at us, when we push them to the back of our minds and pretend as if they don't matter - we create a veil between us and others. A veil that seperates us from experiencing the fullness of life. And inside us builds this growing amount of anger - that paper cuts our hearts. We lose our sense of curiosity, our willingness to take risks, to experience peace, to have open communication, and to be able to trust other people. When we feel weak... we are not only lying to ourselves, but we are lying to the people around us. We have to confront our fears, our obstacles, the things that threaten to break us. We have to be williing to say, "I am poor and needy, and my heart is wounded within me" (Psalm 109:22). Only then will we be able to heal. Only then will we be able to breathe, to live, to laugh. Only then will we be able to find joy again.

you'll be in my heart.

"Grief comes in its own time for everyone, in its own way. So the best we can do, the best anyone can do, is try for honesty. The really crappy thing, the worst part of grief, is that you can't control it. The best we can do is try to let ourselves feel it when it comes, and let it go when you can. The very worst part, is the minute you think you're past it, it starts all over again. And always, every time, it takes your breath away..." - Grey's Anatomy [9.24.09]

It tears apart the pieces of my sanity when I least expect. Hearing an old song on the radio. Driving down the street. Sitting in my apartment, eating a piece of potato bread. Something as simple as buying tea at the grocery store. Sometimes it still strikes me - the sudden desire to pick up the phone and call, tell her how my day went. Tell her about my new school. About my new friends. And then realizing I can't. Because she is gone.

Other members of my family write me. Ask me how life is. How I'm doing. Tell me that they love me and are thinking of me. And still there is a hole, an absence where she should be. Cards that will never be sent, phone calls that I will never recieve. The encouraging words I wish I could still hear no longer a plausible option. My future is devoid of her presence, and as the days pass and as the months have turned into years, sometimes it still breaks me down as powerfully as before.

I sit down to watch a movie on a Sunday night, and I think of her. How much she loved the Hallmark channel on Sunday nights, always waiting to tell me what movie was going to be on. How I used to join her from time to time, and she would pop a huge batch of popcorn and put it into the old brown wooden bowl. My mom had bought her a new popper one year, but she still swore that the old one popped the best. And we would top it with more butter and salt than was probably within the healthy quota... and we would enjoy it to the last kernel.

I still have those moments. This summer I went to the Doctor for the first time in a couple years, and was given the same boring paperwork. "Just make corrections if anything has changed." Unsuspecting I leafed through the sheet, relatively standard... a checkmark here or there but nothing out of the ordinary. No life altering changes to document. Or at least that is until the last page. Emergency contact information. In case my parents happened to be occupied, who should they contact? Well there she was. Name. Phone Number. Address. I wanted to leave it like that. Like a piece of her that would forever remain. For what were the chances of them ever needing an emergency contact, my parents were always around... Its like one of those moments where you want to pretend nothing has changed. In your mind you're telling yourself leave it, but you know you can't. And so I drew one solitary line through her name. One line. No longer valid. She is gone.

I love thinking of the happy times. The memories. The years shared. The ways in which she forever changed who I am. Even if it moves me to tears. Even if it causes to me to break down after exiting the post office, simply because I just sent a card to another Aunt and not to her. Even if it forces me to think back on those moments towards the end... the face forever engrained into my brain as one that was not her own.

Thats the problem with cancer - it changes a person. It transforms them before you even know what is happening. Takes away the strength. The delicate lines become harsh and pale. Weak and barely breathing, the person is half of who you want to remember. This is not them. But it is a picture that you will never forget. That I will never forget. Cancer took away my beloved Aunt Karen. Took her away from a family that loved her unconditionally, a husband who loved her unconditionallly. Children. Brothers. Sisters. Parents. Nieces. Nephews. Friends. It gets easier sure. As time passes the pain surfaces less often. But when it does, its as real as if it happened yesterday. I miss her. I miss her everday. And its true, every time that grief hits me, it takes my breath away...

sweet relief.

can i just say, i love church. it seriously just makes my day... maybe its just recently, maybe the feeling will fade (i hope not), but recently i have really just felt challenged in church. and more than that, i have been dealing with things lately that i believe have been seperating me from being completely consumed with God. its hard to have an open and honest relationship with God when you're not being honest with yourself. if there are unresolved issues that you're not facing... that is going to seperate you from God. if you're refusing to forgive someone, or yourself... that is going to seperate you from God. if you're allowing things to be the center of your life that don't glorify God... yep, you guessed it, those things are going to seperate you from God. we're all guilty of doing it. because we're human. and things bother us. we are prideful and we have a hard time letting go. and we make mistakes. we are never going to be perfect. but it boils down to this - you have to be honest with God about your choices. about your hurt. about how you feel. its okay to feel angry, its okay to be upset, its okay to be confused, unsure, or hesitant. but you have to lay all those feelings before the Cross. you have to give them to God. because otherwise those feelings are just going to stay there... and nothing is going to come from it.

the message tonight was on forgiveness. pretty basic topic, right? i think i was taught how to forgive when i was very little... you know. someone takes a toy from you while you're playing and suddenly there is a dispute, but then its "i'm sorry." and "i forgive you." and everything is better again. well, as you grow up and situations become more complicated you realize there more beneath the surface, more that is contained in the undertones of those phrases... and sometimes we don't get an "i'm sorry". we don't get an apology. we don't get a recognition that we've been hurt. sometimes the people who hurt us are unaware of the damage they've done, or rather, don't care, or are too prideful to admit they were wrong. (yep, there comes that pride thing again... its a killer isn't it?) and when they happens we have the tendency to harbor those feelings. and inside this hate builds up. this anger. this desire to stay upset. and the only person that those feelings are hurting is ourselves...

one of the many things tonight that got to me was this:: "Jesus cancelled our debts, and forgave all of our sins... but when we don't forgive the people who have hurt us, we are putting ourself back into the bonds of sin. Forgiveness is not optional. If you want to experience God's forgiveness, you have to forgive." wow right? we have been given this free gift. God has said - "I love you, so I'm going to erase all the debt. I forgive you." and still we harbor this feelings of resentment, or hurt, towards other people because we are unwilling to forgive. more than that, for me, i think i just don't want to deal with things a lot of the time. its easier for me to just pretend to forget about things instead of facing how much they have affected me. how hurt i've been. i'm not going to go into specifics, but sitting there tonight i just felt a weight being lifted off my shoulders. in regards to something i have been dealing with for a long time, i finally was able to release some of that... to acknowledge all that pain. all that disspointment. all that hurt. all that embarassment. acknowledge it and let it go. and that doesn't mean i'm done dealing with it, but the key is to choose to forgive, over and over and over again. no matter how many times it takes.

God loves me. i know that. and in moments like these, when He speaks directly to my heart, i know that even more. He forgives me. He has given me a clean slate, again and again. He loves you too. and He has done the same for you. He is waiting for you to let Him in, deeper than you want. He's not a surface-level friend. He knows our heart, He knows our every thought, He knows our joys, and He knows our weaknesses. But its more than Him knowing, its telling Him. Its sharing. Its allowing Him to fill us. to be our most amazing friend, the One who will never hurt us. or cause us pain. :)

we'll kill ourselves to find freedom.

take a breath.
take a deep breath.
close your eyes.
what do you see?
who do you see?
what does your heart say?
say it out loud.
say it again.
take a breath.

so often we hide from our deepest desires. we push them deep within us, so no one can see them. we push them so far away from the surface that even we begin to believe they aren't a part of us. that it isn't true. we convince ourselves that it isn't important, or that it isn't worth the risk, or that if we say it aloud - our world could change, it could fall apart. what are we afraid of? failure? embarassment? unreciprocated feelings? loss? what is stopping us from doing what we desire, from saying what we desire, from going where we want to go, and experiencing everything we hold inside of us. dreams should be more than dreams; they should be goals - they should come true. or in the very least, we should acquire the courage to try. to take that step.

so often we lose opportunities because of fear. because we're afraid of what might happen, of what we have to lose. isn't it better to try, and go as far as you can, before you just give up? we've all done it, we all think back on moments in our past, and wonder what might have been. if we had just done this, if we had just said this, if we had just stepped up - then our present would be so much different. you can't kill yourself over the "what-if's" but you can stop them from appearing in your future... life is too short. people say it every day, you never know when you're last day will be. and you hear it, and you realize that its true, but what do you do about it? we still go on living as if we can do it tomorrow. fix it tomorrow. try again, tomorrow. what about today? what about now. here. in this moment. don't push it aside. don't tell yourself it's not important. it is. you are important. your dreams are important. your feelings are important. what you want, it matters. don't let anyone tell you different. and don't let anyone stop you from chasing your dreams. i know that sounds cliche, but i'm serious. fear is the mind-killer.

so, take a deep breath. close your eyes. see life how you wish it was. and then take a step. take a risk. take a chance. you might fall flat on your face, but how will you know if you never try?

open ears, open heart.

"Come close to God, and He will come close to you... Humble yourself in the Lord's presence. Then He will give you a high position." James 4: 8,10

I've been asking God to work within me. I've been asking Him to instill a deeper desire to be near Him. I've been asking Him to draw me to close to Him. But its not all about what He is doing, it is about the steps I am taking to bring myself closer to Him. I have had to bring myself closer to him, and open up my heart in order to hear what He has to say... on church this last Sunday, I really felt God tugging on my heart. Do you know how that feels? When it is like the words coming out of the pastor's mouth were meant for you, like they are coming straight from God, saying - "Kari, or _______, I'm talking to you." I just felt very convicted. So often I dismiss people or situations because I'm sure that the other person is wrong, or simply because I no longer feel it is worth it to care. Sometimes I am selfish. Sometimes I am wrong. Sometimes I have a lot of pride. And pride is a barrier to love, the love to another person, whether that be a friend, a family member, a significant other, or even someone you barely know. Love is not about who is right and who is wrong (yes, i'm talking about 1 Corinthains 13 people.) It is not about treating someone well only if they treat you well. Love is selfless. Love is about serving, and blessing other people, and being there with open arms even when they hurt you. Even when you want to do everything BUT love them. Imagine if God treated us the way we treat other people... Oh, well I'm not going to love him or her today because they haven't had time for me lately. Um, Hello! I know I am guilty of not making enough time for God, I won't assume about you, but I'm guessing you know what I'm talking about. But, GOD LOVES US ANYWAY. unconditionally. no matter what. and its such a hard thing, but I realize that I need to be better at that. I need to work harder to love people even when its hard, even when I want to give up. Because life is too short to let relationships fade simply because you're not willing to try, or because you're not willing to be the bigger person. Love people anyways. Mend things. Try again. Because its not about you. Love is selfless. God shows us that every day. and maybe we can try and do the same. :)

text message love.

[a compiling of text message between me and my bestie laura. we're dorks and we know it. but these are the things that make my day. the little things. silly words via text message, a reminder that someone cares...]

from K to the L, and back again.

i miss lazy days and carefree nights,
days when Lifetime or WE were my only choices,
and cookie dough added to my bliss.
oh the days of yester year...

oh the days, the days of late night
walmart runs, coffee, and pearl harbor...
many tissues to wipe the tears after watching
ben die come back to life,
oh, the days of randomness and time.

reflect upon the nights with
papa murphys and dance parties all around,
when life was wonderful, sex and the city
marathons and cider beer.

now it has come to grammar,
papers, CA stuff and literature... but God is good.
cuz when night falls, board games are still playable
and long chats are still had.

even amongst the chaos of the day
the peace of friendship keeps me sane.
jokes and laughter keep us smiling while
lengthening our lives by at least a hundred years.

Snapshots.

Pavement in the rearview,
framing the face of the boy
who says goodbye with his smile.

Black and white photographs,
freeze forever flawless moments
when life made sense.

Skinny dipping at midnight,
bare skin and smiling faces
emerge into the iridescent water.

Scars etched into his wrist,
delicate white lines on a chalkboard,
slowly fading but never gone.

The smell of coffee against the sunrise,
a gentle breeze on a summer day,
a comfort for the weary.

Women never satisfied with
the reflection in the mirror.
We could always be
better.


i decided i miss writing poetry.
so, there should be more of this to come.

friday fun.

so after a very long week, and a stressful morning i decided to treat myself to a relaxing afternoon and evening. especially because i will be spending the next two days doing a lot of studying... once again. so with that in mind, let me just say that from the hour of 4 in the afternoon till now (12:32 A.M), i have had a grand evening:

1. coffee is amazing. if i had to choose what kind of coffee to have i would probably go to a little hut (idk if any of you have them where you are from, but in my hometown we have coffee huts EVERYWHERE. and i think they make the best coffee) so while starbucks is definitely not my first choice i still really enjoy a non-fat vanilla latte. my uncle has given me a $100 gift card for three years in a row now... and being able to just go get a coffee every once in awhile instead of just making it at home (which i still love by the way) is just so amazing. so there stands great point number one.
2. i remember when i was younger, or in high school, and my mom would take naps... and i used to be like - that is so stupid, who needs naps? not i! well let me just tell you. entering college brings you a whole new appreciation for naps. naps are one of the greatest things ever; a little pick-me-up in the middle of a long day, or a boost of energy, or simple just a moment of relaxation. i had a wonderful nap this afternoon and i didn't want it to end. laying on my couch with my fan slightly blowing on my body... complete silence. no cares. just sleep for an hour. gosh, i don't know why i ever thought naps were a dumb idea.
3. the REDBOX. if you don't know what the redbox is i suggest you type "redbox" into google and find the one nearest you. i love movies, but paying $4.50 at Blockbuster or Movie Gallery is by far the dumbest thing ever. redbox on the other hand, is so sweet. a movie for $1.06?! HELLZ YEAH. and its not just like dumb titles, its like legit movies, new releases, etc. and if you feel like keeping it an extra day, its still only an additional dollar and six cents. way cheaper. convenient. aww. i make frequent trips to the redbox. loves.
4. running. this is not a new obsession of mine (then again neither is coffee) but every run is different... i've been running around 5/6 every night because thats when it starts to get cool enough to actually function and not die from heat exposure. tonight i procrastinated a bit longer... (coffee, nap, movie rental, you get the picture) and didn't go until about 7:30. its that time when its dark, but not all the way dark... and its cool. its amazing to me how much faster you can run, or how much better of a run you can have when you take heat out of the picture. or perhaps maybe i was just more relaxed. the change of the temperature and the air just made for a very enjoyable 3 miles. :) yay.
5. SKYPE and web-convos. okay, i admit i avoided skype for quite a long time. i really didn't understand what all the fuss was about. also, my computer is ghetto and has no web cam so i was too lazy and broke to go buy one. well transferring schools this year has made staying in touch with my friends more important, one in paricular, my dear friend laura. so we both went out and bought webcams about a week ago, and have been skyping ever since. tonight we spent about an hour and 1/2 online together... and we played checkers ha. it seriously felt like we were just hanging out, having a conversation, and sharing in an activity. and its just so good to see her face. i think skype is great. and talking to people online. i have had some amazing convos online. not to say that talking in person doesn't exceed that by far... but i do believe that heart-felt, or even just great communication can exist over the web. technology is a great thing isn't it??
6. I Love You, Man. ha. ha. ha. what a great movie. i live alone and i sat in my apartment and watched the whole thing, and i kept bursting out into hysterical fits of laughter. i wonder what the 65 year old guy next to me is thinking?? hmm. let him wonder! i really enjoyed the movie, i've been hearing about it for quite some time, but hadn't had the chance to watch it yet - until tonite! if you haven't watched it, i suggest you do. and if you don't like well, i'll take the blame. my only wish is that someone had been here to watch it with... i kept wanting to comment on things and found myself staring at the air. oh well.

okay, i normally don't do this kind of thing, a moment by moment synopsis of my day or evening, because i think it gets old and pointless. but i had a wonderful afternoon/evening and felt like sharing. put a smile on my face, maybe some of it will put a smile on yours too :)

i'm just gonna take a minute...

Reminisce. Remember. Recollect.
Reflect on what has brought you to this moment.
Right here. Right now. Who are you?
And how did you become the person you are today?

we don’t just wake up one morning and decide – oh, now i’m going to be this way, without any rhyme or reason as to why. we develop over time. just as we develop from a child into an adolescent into an adult – we also develop who we are as individuals. and who we are is a reflection on what defines us. the elements of our past. the people. the places. the situations. the let-downs. the triumphs. the lessons… they all brought us to this moment. they are all responsible for who we are. and sometimes you need to take a step back and recall what influenced your present.

before i continue, allow me to clarify something: i am not saying to live in the past. i am simply asking that you appreciate how the past influenced who you are. so often i think we forget, or simply dismiss important elements of our lives. maybe because we no longer care, maybe because it is too painful, or maybe because we simply forget. things change. people, activities, and hobbies you used to find important change too, but don’t forget how those things used to make you feel. we all have parts of our past we would rather forget, but we shouldn’t. on the contrary we should embrace them…

live without regret. there are definitely parts of my past i’m not proud of, parts of my past that hurt to remember. i’ve lied. i’ve been lied to. i’ve hurt myself emotionally. i’ve hurt people i love. i’ve made bad choices. i’ve lost pieces of myself. i’ve held grudges. i’ve lost friendships. i’ve lived selfishly. i’ve cheated. i’ve behaved in a way not pleasing to God or myself. i’ve let people take advantage of me. i’ve made mistakes. i’ve lost loved ones. i’ve given in to temptation. i’ve had my heart broken. i’ve hurt myself physically. i’ve let things and people make up my self-worth. i’ve been dirty. i’ve been low… and i am thankful for every moment. every experience. every mistake. every person. because they brought me to today, to who i am.

last night at bible study, we had a heated discussion about how God creates us in His image – and how He wants the best for us. i won’t get into the opposing viewpoint, but the truth of the matter is this: i am God’s child. and my self-worth is defined through Him, not other people, not from my past, not from my works. my relationship with Him is the important thing. and God does not tempt me, God does not set things in front of me to hurt me. God gave me a free will, and i may choose to allow sin and pain to enter my life, but when i turn back to Him, He is always there. and i believe that God uses pain and suffering in our lives to bring us closer to Him, to teach us something.

i have no regrets because my past has taught me valuable life lessons. my past has brought me closer to God. my past holds within it people who changed my life, people i will remember for the rest of my life. my past holds pieces of who i was, who i am, and who i will always be. i carry those things with me and i hold them tight. because i am grateful for it all. i don’t dwell on the past, because i don’t think it’s healthy or beneficial, but i do think it is important to remember. because you can’t block out parts of your life. each piece is influential to who you are. ignoring a part of the puzzle gives you an incomplete picture, and the people who make up your life now, the people important to you now, deserve to see the whole picture – so let them. own your past, your present, and your future. it’s yours.

the start of something new.

i am twenty years old... twenty years and four months. in the scheme of things; the bigger picture, that's relatively young. but i feel old. maybe its because for the first time in my life i am actually doing something huge on my own... going to school, not knowing one single person. which is something i probably should have done two years ago, but better late than never right? oh, and did i mention i'm living on my own. a cute cozy one bedroom apartment, which i love. responsible for paying my own bills, cooking for me and me alone, la la la. even went and had a job interview yesterday. it feels weird considering i've worked at bear country for six years, and i don't really think i even had to interview barely. its been a great job, but its also kind of been like a comfortable shell. as has following my friends my whole life. lets be honest here - friends are important. and when your family starts driving you insane - they are even more important. like a lifeline. but at some point you have to realize that while friends help shape who you are, they don't make up everything about you. you have to stand on your own to feet and own who you are as individual. and now is my chance. nobody knows who i am. where i've been. or what i've done. i am allowed to shape my the rest of my future, and its in my control - i don't have to follow anyone. ahhhh. i'm blabbing. i have a lot of thoughts in my head right now, i know that this is for the best but its really scary starting over half way through school. i feel like a freshman all over again, not knowing where things are on campus - trying to find my classes, ahhh. lol. but its exciting too. and i'm making my apartment feel like home and eventually it will. and it will be all mine. woot. alright. enough for now. maybe something more substantial will come in the future. lates.

be bold, jump in the cold water.

"what if it turns out that life isn't defined by who you belong to or where you came from, by what you wished for or whom you've lost, but instead by the moments you spend getting from each of these places to the next?"

there are moments that define who you are. experiences that wouldn't be the same had they been shared with an alternate group of people. decisions that influence your life - that take you in a completely different direction from where you had previously been. every breathe. every word. every choice. every person. every day. and step by step you are changing, learning, growing. defining moments of your life. putting away memories that will last a lifetime. and at the same time, letting little things pass you by...

sometimes i just wish i could replay things and take a deeper look. let me paint a scenario for you:

walking down the bike path at eleven o'clock at night, instead of just simply walking - maybe just stop. look up. appreciate the stars. take a second and say thank you. or maybe just breathe it in - the cool night air and the scent of summer. the way it feels on your exposed skin, shaven legs and bare arms. how you can take off your shoes and the cement feels good beneath your feet. how summer is a time for adventures. for doing things you shouldn't, or perhaps, you should.

friends gather together, for a multitude of activities propelled by our curiosty, our sense of adventure, and our longing to do things out of the ordinary. for example, sneaking into one of the neighborhood pools. and while the task itself is rather simple, to make it into a sort of secret mission is what makes it an adventure: sprinting down the sidewalk, shed from clothes... swimsuits and shorts alone remain. creeping into the overgrown grass, you wait. for the perfect moment. the chance to break in. to go beyond the fences put up to keep people out after hours. huddled with friends, you wait. for the signal. and then run, once again. bare legs scratching against worn wood. knees caught on edges. all the while trying to stay silent. once over the countdown begins. and then running continues, followed by jumping, and diving into the pool like school kids trying to get outside at recess. the water is warm. refreshing. faces surface with smiles and laughter. innocent rebellion. pure enjoyment. and the boys will be boys - creating a few more large splashes before the freedom in the pool has expired. and then once again the chase is on, from who there never will be an answer. only the thrill of knowing that you could be caught. might be caught. and so to not waste any time - instead to just run. cold air now chilling beneath the skin, but the adrenaline warming the body right back up again. a pattern of wet footprints scattered across the pavement... a path to the guilty, but only briefly as the warm summer air dries moments later. the adventure has gone without flaw. a checkmark to one of the many "must-do's" of the summer. and as it comes to a close, you have to stop and take a breathe...

these are the moments worth fighting for. random experiences with those you are comfortable with. people who are down for anything. for living in the moment. for not being afraid to say yes. its easy to back away, to hide from the what-if's. but it takes greater character to stand up and follow through. my friends don't back down. and that is why i love them. that is why summer is a time for breathing in deep, diving in, and never looking back. because once a moment passes, you never get it back. no regrets. just living life for all its worth.

rain on me.

"people often tell you to dance in the rain. but, i prefer to run. something about the rain soaking through my clothes, dripping down my face, makes me feel refreshed. pushes me to run faster. allows me to appreciate God and the beauty of His creation. as the rain washes over me and my feet run against the pavement, i am surrounded with a sense of peace. and suddenly the world is right." - me.

last night, me and my friend brooke went for a trail run. even before we started the clouds were looking pretty dark, and it was thundering. half of the run was amidst a lot of trees, and not long after we got out into the open it just started pouring. as we were getting soaked brooke just yelled, "thank you God! you are so amazing!" and in that moment i really just felt God's presence around us. just acknowledging that He was the one that was making it rain, He was the one responsible for all the beauty around us. we both openly felt the same way. and so we spent the next few moments just really talking about God and how we were doing. it was like the rain gave us an opening to just talk about how we were doing. honestly, we were both pretty frustrated.

its easy to criticize for the things that don't go the way you want them to. to get upset over little things. to get angry for no reason. to not appreciate all the things God does give you, because you are too caught up in all your own crap to focus on all the things you have been given. i find myself getting upset over little things like friends not calling, or this or that and not giving thanks for the friends i have. the blessings God has given me. my family. the list goes on and on. and also, the other night i was praying for my friend mat who went in to have his heart looked at... and i just felt like i shouldn't even be praying because i hadn't even made time for God on a day to day basis for just the two of us. i felt like i shouldn't be asking for things when i haven't even putting God anywhere close to first in my life lately.

so brooke and i had a really great talk, as we enjoyed the rain soaking us to the core. and when we finished running we sat together and just prayed. it was just a really amazing thing to be able to fellowship doing something i really enjoy. running alone allows me to get rid of a lot of stress and focus on things, and combining that with good christian fellowship and focus on the One who brought us together. the whole experience was just really encouraging, and gave me a little bit more hope than i have had lately. :) amazing how God uses the little things to lift us up. i am so grateful for that.

you can't please everyone.

"the people that have known you the longest know you in a way that other people can't because they've seen you change, they've let you change."

i seem to have a habit at slacking off at this blog. it's not intentional, i swear... just one of those things. we'll try and bring it back into focus here. i know at least one person will appreciate it! ;) since my last update LOTS of stuff has gone down in my life. [by that i mean, has happened]

i have been working a lot, which i absolutely hate. it's my sixth summer working there and i'm just over the whole scene. i sit in a little room for almost 12 hours a day, and run a cash register - basically, do absolutely nothing. which is sweet, cuz i'm getting paid for it but i'm reaching a point in my life where i would like to be doing something that requires a little more skill. or uses a little more energy. or exercises my brain in at least some way. not to mention, all this drama is going down. oh did i mention i'm the supervisor? yea... so i get to deal with all of it. basically the girls i'm in charge of are not happy. making the schedule for july is going to be impossible. i wish i could just let someone else deal with it. i hate drama, and i'm not going to play into it. my life quote lately has become :: "you can't please everyone." :)

other than that... I GOT AN APARTMENT IN GREELEY!!!!! things are becoming real now. yes, for those of you who don't know i chose greeley, co as my next place of education - University of Northern Colorado! i went down a couple weekends ago - left at 6 o'clock in the morning. was home by ten at night. apartment in the bag! it was such a God thing, i can't even tell you. my landlord is absolutely amazing. he showed us around town. took me and my mom out to lunch. made us coffee before we hit the road. its a one bedroom apartment in a triplex, like a house. (a 55ish year old couple lives on the top, and a 40 year old single guy lives in one side of the basement, i live on the other) i'm stoked. its in a nice neighborhood, not as close to campus as i would have wanted but its somewhere that i'm going to feel safe - and that i think is important in a town and an area that i know absolutely NOTHING about. God provides, and its amazing. did i mention that my landlord's wife is hopefully getting me a job? she manages payless and they sent me an application in the mail a couple days ago! so hopefully it works out :)

AS FOR MY FRIENDS: there are times when we all get a little crazy - we drink too much beer, sing at the top of our lungs, stay awake until the sun is rising, laugh until our sides hurt, and take hundreds of pictures. and yet, underneath all the chaos, there are relationships that will last. conversations in the dark, secrets shared, and bonds of trust made. and after a night has ended, morning comes and you appreciate your friends. not because they know how to party, but because they know how to be there when it matters. everyone gets a little crazy sometimes, but in the midst of the mayhem of life and all it throws at you - there are those friends who will never back down. who will always show up. who will always be there; open arms and open ears.

i love my friends. i basically have been hanging out with the same people on a daily basis, and its been awesome. i've been neglecting some other people but sometimes i just can't handle the drama. recently i realized that i would much rather spend my summer, and my time here, with people who have remained constants through the last couple years, people who i know are still going to be there, people who actually care about who i am as a person. why waste my time with those who are only friends when its convenient? and especially those people who get upset when i don't see them, who get mad over the dumbest things. so i have been choosing to just not hang out with those people, and yea they are pissed - but i can't please everyone. and frankly i'm having a blast filling my time with those i have been seeing. so yea... the summer is going great.

the only complaint i have is not spending more time with God. me and my friend liz got this book for a bible study - its called "sex and the soul of a woman". deals with sex in today's society and the pressures of engaging in sexual activities with men. something we both struggle with, so we thought it would be a good pick. :) we've both been reading it on our own but still have yet to get together and go through the study part of it. which sucks. idk why, but its so hard to stay focused on God during the summer - i guess there is always a million things to do and He gets put on the back burner. the other day i was really feeling convicted about it, and went and spent a couple hours in the park just reading my bible and journaling. felt so good. it just hurts me to know that i'm not giving Him the attention He deserves, and that i'm struggling as a result. i NEED God. and i want to be focusing on Him. and i just hope that the rest of the summer gets a little stronger in that area. we will see, me and liz are definitely making an effort!

well folks, ta ta for now! i have the day off and its sunny out so i'm gonna get some rays! considering it has rained literally EVER DAY this month. who knows how long it will last today. hopefully i will do this again soon, until then. loves.

dry socket and no sleep.

"you can't expect the world to give you what you want; so often you grow from the things you never could have expected"

well, i got my wisdom teeth out on monday. i thought things were going pretty good but one side (right) of my mouth just didn't stop hurting even with the meds, and yesterday at work it became intolerable. so went in, and ta da! dry socket. well the other side (left) felt fine, i even had the doctor take a look at it while i was in there... but for some reason, i'm pretty sure the same thing is now occuring there as well. what changed in the last twelve hours is beyond me but i have been awake since three... it is now five fifteen and ow! pain! since i obviously can't sleep i thought i would blog, and make some use of my time... i have to work at 7:45, not really sure how that is going to go. not to mention its a saturday so i'm pretty sure the office isn't open. fml.

so summer is here, apparently? i wouldn't know i have spent it recovering from this ordeal, barely done anything i would consider "summery". except getting armadillos already, twice! (armadillos is this locally owned ice cream place for all you non-rapidcitians, and it is absolutely AMAZING. one of the best things of the summer by far, flavor of the days, slush-whips, shakes, the whole biznaz.) but besides that... our family got a dog, puppy actually. twenty years later, i seriously never thought i would see the day, but my dad gave in. black lab. 8 weeks old. most adorable creature you have ever seen. definitely the center of attention this past week. named it ruddy. they are going to train it to be a hunting dog... but i'm enjoying it just as a cute friend while i am home the next few months!

this summer should be interesting to say the least, but its also going to be really good. i'm going to make sure that happens. i already decided i'm not going to put up with drama. one of my girlfriends laughed at me and said good luck, but i'm serious. i know that sometimes drama comes and finds you when you least expect it but i'm not going to deal with it. seriously. my christmas break had drama, and i hated it. there are more important things in life than to deal and fuss over petty little problems. if someone has a problem, we can deal with it maturely or i'm simply going to walk away from the situation. just because drama finds you, doesn't mean you have to entertain it. so i simply am not going to. (am i being unrealistic? i'll let you know how this whole thing works out for me later on lol) life's too short. live every moment. don't act like sixth grade girls who love to create drama. we're adults now. time to start acting like it.

i'm considering jumping in the shower, and then running into town to get lattes for me and my mother. i don't know what else to do at this hour! my mouth is on fire, but i'm pretty sure i'm not going to be able to do anything about that for several hours at least. an early start to my day could be good, and the lord knows i love coffee! plus, i'm sure the mother would enjoy it as well. and perhaps i will take some ibprofen on the way out.... blah. i seriously woke up in bed and was just like, really?? seriously? why, God! OW!!!!! (i'm sure you all care, which is why i am blabbing on about this for two paragraphs... lucky you!) also, this is sporadic and pointless. sleep deprivation is my excuse. i'm gonna peace out for now homies. tty when i know what is going on!