float on.

I wish everyone was loved tonight, and somehow stop this endless fight, just a chance that maybe we'll find better days...

sometimes i feel like i'm just floating. through hours. through days. through weeks. and then i look back and realize a month has gone by, and i don't know how. do you ever just stop and wonder how time moves so fast? i mean, really. one day we're trying to survive bus rides after school. the next we're tossing our caps at high school graduation. and then suddenly the end of college is in sight. the "real world" is no longer just part of a taunt from our parents, no longer something we can't comprehend. its here. its now. and as life moves forward, and as we get older it seems like things just get harder. and we let things slip away, because we're too busy. too preoccupied. too concerned with other things that won't really matter in the end. we let life get in the way. all the time. we allow it to take over, and instead of us living our lives - it is living for us. sometimes you just have to stop and breathe.

i went home this weekend. when i transferred here i tried to make a pact with myself that i would limit my time and trips home to make the transition easier. to really apply myself and form relationships here - to set out on a journey that would make the next two years enjoyable academically, socially, and spiritually. this was my time. my time to be myself and stand on my own two feet. i'm not sure that i'm doing that... but, my dad is having medical problems. and my mother assures me that its not life threatening but i can't help to flashback to 3 years ago when things started going downhill for my aunt. i know thats an unfair comparison, but it seems like it always starts with something else... and then the next day you're hearing the worst. and either way, it its a big deal. and my family is stressed. my dad is hurt and anxious, and although he's hesitant to admit it i know he's scared. and my mom is trying to keep everything together but she's hurting too. and so i just wanted to go home and be there for my family. to spend time with them. even if that meant just watching the football game with my dad on sunday afternoon. just being there was a joy and an encouragement to me. because life is too short. and he most likely will be okay, although, this might change his life drastically. but, i want to know that i was there. it kills me not to be there. i want to be a part of what is going on. thats my family. they are the most important part of me.

and so i'm floating. through days, through tests, through assignments. i more than likely failed my chemistry test yesterday, something that would normally get me all stressed and worked up but i really don't care. not at all. and i know thats bad. i know i'm slipping. i wouldn't even say that i'm unhappy but at the same time i don't feel like myself. i don't have a big appetite anymore, and sometimes i throw up the things i eat. i grasp at every opportunity to get some extra sleep. about the only things i look forward to with enthusiasm are running and going to church. church gives me that fire. God gives me that fire. and thats why i can say i'm not depressed. i'm not alone. i'm just hurting a little. and i'm clinging. because i feel a little lost right now, and i'm not sure how to fix that. i'm trying to find my motivation. my mojo. my peppy, ready to roll self. but until i find it, i think i'll just keep floating and pray to God that i don't fall.

this is the day that the Lord has made right? I will rejoice and be glad in it... no matter how hard it is. no matter how alone we feel. no matter how much i just want to throw in the towel and say, screw it. each and every day is a gift. today it was 65 degrees, the sun was shining, and its november. in november God still is gracious enough to give us days like today. and in those moments we can realize we are blessed. truly blessed. and we are not alone. not for one second. and that gives us hope. for all of us to search for better days. to hang on, even when we feel like giving up. you might just be floating, but you're still alive. and thats a reason to celebrate.