rambling holiday thoughts.

"your worst days are never so bad that you are beyond the reach of God's grace and your best days are never so good that you are beyond the need of God's grace"

in the light of christmas, and the feelings associated with it, i felt compelled to write (surprise surprise). for those who hold ties to our Savior, we are told to remember the true meaning of christmas as we go through the day - to remember Jesus being born, to come and save the world, and to eventually die for all our sins. wow, right? yet, we get caught up in the hustle and bustle - and presents, who got what. me, i got a new camera and a new ipod, both which i am extremely grateful for. but more than that, i am thankful for my parents. for my family. for the significance of the day. and also the missing pieces. its hard to celebrate a day centered on family and togetherness when one of your loved ones is no longer able to be a part of it. every year, my aunt and my mom used to exchange calenders. and every year, me and my aunt would make cut-out cookies. last year, i made them by myself and cried the whole time, practically. this year, my mom helped a little - and half way through i was so overcome with emotion that i had to go downstairs. i threw up. its overwhelming sometimes, her absence. christmas eve service had me choking back tears when silent night was sung, her favorite. opening presents today, now only from my uncle who left them before he went out of town... was hard. my mom still got her calander, which is just a reminder of her absence. and she has no one to give one too. there were once again tears. the holidays are harder than any other times, and i just think - we should be thankful for those who still touch our lives on a daily basis, or even those who grace us with their friendship. each day is a gift. every day. not just christmas, but this time of year seems like when we remember things things more than others. i like to think that i make a difference. i would like to think that as this year comes to a close, i have touched people's lives in the past year. because i know for sure, that many people have touched mine. and to those people i say thank you. thank you for sticking by. thank you for putting up with me, even when i am rude. when i am unappreciative. when i take for granted what i have. thank you for holding me through the tears. through the hard times. for loving me. for thats what God wants us to do isn't it? be there. to love with our whole hearts. like He does. made in His image, we should act in His image. it is not so much about the words we speak, but the actions we present. we spread His love through ourselves. and that's what we should remember today. i definitely do. my aunt was an inspirational part of my life. she touched me in ways i can't even explain. there will always be a hole in my heart, and even though as time goes on it starts to heal... it will never be the same. she was self-less. she cared for others. she prayed for others. she was gentle. kind-hearted. soft-spoken. slow to anger, and full of love. i want to leave a legacy like that. and so i ask myself today - am i being who i want to be? am i making a difference? am i showing God's love? or am i focused on myself, and caught up with all my silly "problems" that i have lost what is important. i don't know. i know that i am not completely on track... more off to the side, lost a little to the left. i can see the path. or at least a glimpse of light through the clearing, but i can't seem to get there right this second. sometime soon perhaps. who knows. i certainly do not. but even though i am not quite there - i still know that God is watching over me. that He is waiting. and all the things i have always known, are still true - even if i don't see them, or feel them. He gives us these times as reminders, and maybe as provokers towards our true potential - to make us remember what really counts. for its not the presents under the tree, the giant piece of pie, or a holiday drink - its the promise. He will always be there. when He sent His son, through mary He gave us a choice to have faith, to believe, and to trust. so what will you choose? no matter where you are - God's grace is sufficient. He is holding out His hand, no matter how long it takes you to reach it. He will not grow weary. You are, I am, His child.

destination anywhere.

somebody help me get out of this place. i don't feel like i belong here. i have cried way too much in the past couple weeks. this is supposed to be a break from the stresses. this is supposed to be a time of year full of joy, and fa la la's.

too many words that confuse what I say. i have such an easy time putting words on the page. i have no problem ranting about how i feel to this screen. words come easy from my fingertips. my mouth however, seems to have a complication. i don't know how to say what i really mean. and so instead, i decide to hold it in... i choose to say nothing at all. because its easier to pretend. i hate having to explain. because when i feel the way i feel right now, it always ends the same. me - blubbering. crying. feeling like an idiot. i don't like hurting people's feelings. i hate confrontations. i hate getting mad. so instead i choose to ignore things. until they really get bad enough to say something. i deal with it on my own... that's just the way i am.

give me the keys to get out of this box. i am trapped. surrounded by unanswered questions. at the most inopportune time of year. i miss my aunt. so incredibly much. its hard to get excited about christmas anymore... i still like it, its just not the same. instead of looking forward to it, its just a reminder that she isn't here. she won't be sharing it with us. that i have to make cut-out cookies by myself, instead of with her... like we always did, how it should still be. my mom brought out a picture the other night - christmas when i gave her this book i wrote about her, everything i loved about her. i just started crying. i want her back. so much. and on top of that, i don't know where i belong. i am surrounded by choices, and no answers. i don't know how to deal with things. i don't feel like being around people. i can't run. i feel like i'm losing the things that are important to me.

I can’t help myself right now. there is a looming future in front of me, and i just want to hide in the corner and never come out. i want to keep all the good things about my life. i want to hold on to my family. and the few friends who actually mean something to me. and i don't want anything to change. i want to change. i want to grow. but i need those people to stay with me. i don't feel like i can lose anything else right now... i don't know how i would deal with it. and i'm so afraid something is going to come crashing down on me. seems like when you're at the bottom, you just tend to fall even harder. i'm trying. but i just want to disappear. destination anywhere?

[italics credited to sugarcult - destination anywhere]

forgotten flower.

i want to understand. i want to know where my life is supposed to go from here. where am i supposed to go to school next year? how am i going to get through next semester... i need a job. i need to feel reassurance. i need to know i'm doing okay. i need someone to tell me i'm making a difference. i need to know that i'm on the right path. i want to write. i want to spend my money getting a degree in something i enjoy. is that wrong? no, i don't know where i will work. no, i don't know if i will receive health benefits. no, i don't know how i am going to pay for everything. i always said, one day at time... but now i'm getting worried. i want to know why God is taking away one of the things that help me deal with stress. especially now when i have so much of it. i need to run. that's all i know. it's all i've ever done. and now - waiting for a year? maybe longer? maybe never again??! i can't deal with that. i don't know how. i need people to answer their phones when i need them. like why isn't there some magical power that says - this phone call is very important. instead of not answering, and not calling me back. i just need to know i'm worth the call. just please. i want to know why - people don't call me. invite me when i call, after plans have already been made, but not before. why? don't i belong. and if not, then where do i belong. i constantly ask myself that question. please God, help me! i have lost you. i have lost myself. i have lost all sense of direction. who am i? and does anyone even care.. do i even care... i want to know i'm beautiful. i want someone to tell me i mean something. i want to feel. right now i'm just numb. and i'm just dealing with it. stuffing it all inside. who am i to deserve more. i start crying. i lose my happiness. and i get blamed for being mad. i'm just upset. with life. with myself. with everything. the people. the lies. the constant charade. i want more. i want answers. i want to feel complete. i want to be confident again. i don't know anything right now.

a poem.

I will die

here in this city full
of flat brown fields
and winters that never
end- where I lost
myself; where I became
the person consumed
with apple martinis
random hook-ups
late nights of smoking
joints and laughing
about nothing at all,
all the while trying
to break free from the
chains of peer pressure
the addiction to men
who screw and then
leave me feeling like an
anorexic staring into the
mirror: starving but
skinny enough
beautiful enough – almost,
one more day and then
I will stop and live,
or not.

by Kari Carda

[I wrote this for my poetry class. :)]