pouring teardrops

It had been a beautiful day: she had smiled, she had laughed, she had felt happy. The air outside was warm and the wind lightly kissed her face as she walked in the park. She ventured slowly, with no destination in mind, and no time frame to get there. She was simply enjoying life... taking in the beauty of all that surrounded her.
Trees swayed gently, their leaves moving as if whispering a message. She did not speak, listening to hear something of value... in hopes that perhaps the purpose of her life would suddenly become evident to her through the swaying branches, the light breeze, the cement sidewalk, and the people around her. No such answer came, but she remained content and care-free. Today, in her mind, she was okay. Today... she was refusing to let anything bother her.
She chose to fill her mind with thoughts of hope. Things that brought a smile to her face, or at least left her feeling touched with a level of comfort. The sun shone on her shoulder and she was warm. Not only in a physical sense but also in her emotions. Today she had realized how lucky she was. It had become clear to her that if needed, she could call a number of people who would be there for her in an instant. She was loved. And that made her feel amazingly secure.
She continued to walk... oblivious to the clouds that were beginning to appear in the sky. She started to feel a slight chill but brushed it aside. Yet soon the sudden change in the weather was undeniable. There was no hiding from it. The clouds hide the sun completely from view... so far away that someone just arriving to the area would highly doubt it had been out at all that day. Slowly raindrops began to fall from the sky. At first they were scattered and sparce and then... triggered by a bolt of lightning. It began to pour.
How beautiful the day had been was suddenly dissapearing... as the tears poured off of her cheeks with no sign of stopping. The storm was back, and there was no shelter nearby. No friendly shoulder to cry on. The care-free feeling of being alone suddenly became her nightmare. And yet, the feeling was not un-familiar.
It always happened like this... the day always starts without a care. It is new and nothing has disturbed the peace it provides. One chooses what to do with that peace... it can be embraced or it can be tossed to the side until another day. However, be aware: gathering up that ray of hope is not the hard part of the day. That comes later on. Later, as the stresses of the day pile up and the sky begins to darken. And sometimes... its going to rain. Sometimes... its going to pour. And all you can do is stand there, soaking wet, and take comfort in knowing... no one can see your tears.



[inspired by the quote "we were staring at the stars and we heard a clap of thunder..then the moon gave way to rain and it tore apart the sky..so we lay flat on our backs cause in the rain no one knows you're crying."]

Jesus Loves ME

As believers in Christ, we are called to be disciples to those around us... being examples for Jesus, being a light in the world, clearly displaying our faith for all to see. We are to live life fully for God, serving and living for Him... in everything we do. We are to live only for Him. As much as you want to be able to serve God during times A, B, and C and do what you want to do during all the other times... it doesn't work like that. You cannot serve two masters. We hear these words and we nod and say, "Ya I know that." "That makes perfect sense"... "of course."

Yet do we really live those words??

I guess I've been really struggling with that lately. (among other things) All of this "stuff" in my life has been suffocating me and in the midst of it all is the question... "Am I truly serving God??" I could sit and pretend I don't know the answer... but in actuality: I do... without hesitation. And lately that answer has been bringing to my knees... crying out to Him, praying, quesitoning how my life has gotten to this point.

The answer... is No.

I have let a lot of garbage get into my life lately so that I can't fully and completely serve God with all of my heart. Theres this barrier between us... and I can jump to see above it all I want... but until I surrender all that"stuff" over to God... its never going to go away. Sure, I can repent whole-heartedly and the barrier can come down... but the second I decide to bring all that junk back in (the past mistakes, questioning my worth, the drinking, all the guy stuff, everything...): the barrier is back up again.

Everyone has ... "stuff."

We wouldn't be human if we didn't. The real test comes in what we choose to do with that "stuff." Do we surrender it over to God (giving it up to Him and giving up control)? Or do we hold onto it like a moldy security blanket (clearly ready to be thrown away, filthy and no longer clean... but still somehow appealing and so we refuse to put it down)? Its not an easy thing, even if it should be. I know in my heart God is the only one who can be in control of my life, the only one I can trust in completely, the only one I can truly place my burdens upon... yet theres this fear of letting Him do all those things. Sometimes its so unfathomable how much He loves me... and I have a hard time believing it, especially after all the mistakes I've made (and continue to make). Yet I know He does. And that in itself makes me break down.

Can you believe that God loves you no matter what... No matter how much you screw up, how unworthy you feel, and all the times you've broken His heart... He forgives you for it all. ALL OF IT. I think that is the most amazing thing ever.


Jesus loves me this I know...
Because He shows me everday...
I am weak
He is strong.
He is the only one to live for.

she will be loved

every morning is a new day. and almost every morning she barely can get out of bed. whether its due to a lack of sleep, or simply having no motivation... she dreads leaving her bed. crawling out from under the covers and losing her comfort, her safety. she pulls herself together and somehow she arrives at school. the hallways are always the same. every day there is a huge distance between her and her locker. she takes a deep breath and ventures down. sometimes she walks tall and confidently... ready to smile. ready to start the day. other days, she barely makes it. not wanting to walk past the same group of kids that are always there in fear that they will notice... they'll see she's not okay. she has to be okay. she has to be strong. for herself and for everyone around her. usually she succeeds. if she doesn't, she blames it on the lack of sleep. or makes up some excuse that is mostly believable. school is not the place to break down. and so she never does. she's a normal girl you would say. with normal friends. normal classes. normal every day problems. but she's unique too. she thinks a lot. and contemplates all of her feelings. sometimes she focuses on all the bad things... and then she does something few understand. she writes about. in some form or another, in some place or another... she lets it all out. its her outlet. some people let it out on a punching bag. others on their friends. she punches the paper with words, channeling the hurt into something that is meaningful. yes she is normal. but she's not as strong as she wants to believe. in fact she's rather delicate and her guard falls easily if hit by the right (or the wrong) thing. don't judge her because she cries more than some. at times she's going to break down. it happens. ask her the last time she's cried? chances are it hasn't been very long. and chances are someone has witnessed it. if she trusts you... she'll let you in (to an extent). all you have to do is love her... show her that you care.

for after all: thats all anyone really wants, to be loved. to have a support system of people that you can lean on no matter what happens. no matter what mistakes you make. no matter what you're going through. love is more than just a word. its the way you act towards people. its the way you make them realize... they mean something to you. they're important. without them... things would just not be the same. everyone needs to have that feeling. everyone needs that. we can't do it all alone... we can try. but you're going to fail miserably. you have to lean on God. there is no other way to make it. and after that, you need friends to help you along the way. yes, to feel loved... to be loved. is a feeling/comfort that can never be replaced.


i am so incredibly thankful for all the people God has placed into my life... at times when i feel completely lost are the times it seems like someone is there. it makes me feel so priveleged that that feeling alone makes me cry at times. i'm not sure i deserve such great friends. and yet... there they are. for what reasons i don't know. but i am so glad i have them. i honestly, truthfully, with all of my heart... do not know what i would do without them. God is good. and its amazing to see His love through the people He has placed around you. i feel truly blessed...

blink of death

it is scary how things can change in the blink of an eye. you don't even realize the possibilities until suddenly, one of them becomes reality. and suddenly people's lives are turned upside down, confusion grows, tears fall... and at the center of all these emotions - a life is gone. there are no words to describe how deep the pain can be for some. [barely grazing the tip of the iceberg do i write these words.] it raises so many questions. and so many feelings. and with that, a little hope is lost. people go through life looking for those who are making it, those who "have it all", just to keep a little hope that its possible. its possible to go through life with a smile on your face, and enjoy it. so what does that say to those people when suddenly somebody doesn't make it?? makes the choice not to try anymore. what kind of hope does that leave? everything happens for a reason... God has a reason for everything... but at times such as these its so incredibly difficult to see what that reason is. if He really is a God of love... then why let such a young life be lost. it just doesn't seem right. but how can we even began to understand how God expresses His love, and how He has a plan for each and everyone of us? we can't... and its frustrating. in the real world people are taught: if you have a problem, you search for an answer. well guess what? there isn't always an answer. and thats just something that has to be accepted... no matter how hard that is. life can change in the blink of an eye, and most of the time you're not going to understand why it happens. all you can do is put your trust in God and know... He has a reason. He loves everyone. He created everyone. He knew the day of your death before you were even born... and when its time for someone to leave this earth... He had a reason for that too. faith is a hard thing to keep at times like these, but in the same breath you realize... its the only thing that can really keep you alive.

change.

she's not the same girl anymore. she's changed. hanging out with her is like hanging out with a new person... a stranger even. she's changed and its sad. she's making decisions she swore she would never make. doing things that are hard to believe are true. she's different. the girl she once was is no longer... if she's there, she's hidden by layers of new choices and feelings that can't be understood.

people change. change can be a good thing. for some, change is what they need. for others it can spell disaster. change happens because of choices that are made. decisions that force people to go in one direction or the other. right or left. yes or no. good or bad. everyone changes. people that were once the closest friends turn into strangers in the hallways. theres nothing that can stop it. no matter how much the process wants to be stalled, it can't be. people have to change. the world would never go anywhere if everyone stayed the same. there would be no maturing. no learning. no mistakes. nothing new... everyone changes. its one of those things in life that is just accepted. in order to grow up, a person has to change. sometimes it's a scary process. sometimes its hard. sometimes... its really lonely. but it happens. and life goes on. yes, maybe friends are lost. feelings hurt. battles lost. but change shapes the world. without change... we might just cease to exist.

unanswered questions

there comes a time in a person's life when all of sudden there is this huge thing called a future looming in front of you... containing all these questions that are forcing you to come up with answers. no matter how valid they are. i have reached that point in my life and i'm telling you its not as liberating as it appears it would be. i am absolutely and positively scared to death. i'm sure that for some people this is not the case... in fact i know its not. because there are people who have known what they wanted to do with their lives since like second grade and the whole hard part for them has been waiting this long to get there. me on the other hand... i have no frickin clue. i have no idea where i want to go to college and absolutely no clue what i want to be "when i grow up." i put that in quotations because it is simply that... a quote. personally i feel like i've had to grow up a lot lately. especially this year. i won't go into the details as to why i feel this way... but i have become a lot more independent and responsible for all the things that go on in my life. no longer do i rely on other people... because i've learned that there are many times you are going to be let down, and on the other side of that not always is someone going to be around to help you through it. growing up has a lot to do with accepting your choices, learning on your own, and moving on. so yes, i feel grown up in a lot of ways... however i am still being labled as one of those kids who has an "undecided future." let me tell you. if i knew what i wanted to do with the rest of my life, i'd be working towards that goal with extreme dedication. problem is i don't. and its so incredibly frustrating that i have a hard time handling it. and on top of my own stress over the issue, theres the pressure of my parents for me to "decide" and "figure it out." along with that are my friends who have all their plans made... and here i sit. the girl who can't decide. honestly i don't think its entirely a bad thing. i just wish i didn't feel like i had to make this quick decision just because its the next step in life. what if i make the wrong one?? the future is scary. i'm ready to move on, i just wish i knew... where to???

non-existant

eyes threatening to close. daring sleep to come. at times that are not appropriate. there is a time for everything. the body with the mind doesn't seem to understand. sleep is for the night.

so rest your eyes today. for another sleepless night is ahead. without explanation. sleep does not come.so escape your thoughts today. for you know they will be back at full force. right when you want it to stop.so smile many times today. the tears will once again replace it. clouding your eyes and leaving only drops upon your lips. so help someone today. for soon your mind will be so stressed you will not even be able to help yourself. so listen to cheerful music today. enjoy the happiness it brings and laugh. somber willed notes will soon again reach your ears.

the cycle never ends. close to happy days. smiling faces. moments of laughter. sunny skies. joyful thoughts. and then the night. tear-stained cheeks. endless thoughts. confusing. questioning. stinging. tired eyes. yet sleep will not. can not. come.
soon it will all be over.
one day. someday. this will end.

it must.

someday

there is a girl. the keyboard in front of her is her means of escape. the screen displays her anguish. her fingers can't seem to type fast enough. the music plays softly in the background. no happy chords are struck. slowly... it begins. starting with the thoughts in her head, growing as the tears fall, and as the words appear... a sort of comfort is given. it is as if all her emotions are pouring out of her in every possible way. and she does not want it to stop. here, as she sits staring at the screen... she is in control. life is so confusing. she can't seem to grasp why she has been asked to endure so much. is there never an end? or rather, what is her limit? she's not as strong as she appears. no one seems to know. its her own secret. hidden by the smile. disguised by the laughter. her lips give nothing away. not even a kiss. her heart: a gift... without a recipient. so she continues to wait. an action that has become a part of her. a part of her she wishes would leave. but it never does... it only brings more feelings with it. rejection. pain. confusion. dissapointment. hopelessness... oh yes. the keyboard gives her control. for those few moments she is alone in a world only she knows. consisting of her thoughts, dreams, wishes, and emotions. the things only she can understand. or at least attempt to. there is not always an answer for the questions that torment her mind. hour by hour, day by day, week by week, month by month... year after year. she probably will never know. yet someday. she will stop wondering. because someday. someone will give her a great reason to give away her gift. and then the waiting will be over. and maybe that day. someday. she will sit down at her computer. fingers resting on the keyboard. and simply type the words.
someone loves me.

untitled

The orange and purple sunset peaks over the valley and blurs together forming clouds on the hillside. The sun is setting, closing yet another day, and at the same time bringing in a new star filled night. I gaze up into the sky with my head buried into my knees, allowing only my eyes to peak above. I stare off into the distance as if the sky holds some hidden message, some answer that I have been waiting to find for all these years. Soon the sky is completely black, the sun is gone and now all my eyes see are stars. Suddenly a shooting star scraps the blackness and just like a child I wish upon it; closing my eyes and searching into myself for the one thing I wish would come true. What happens when you don’t know what you wish for? Do those wishes still come true or do undecided dreams hold no promise… Who can continue on when they know not what they are striving for? It’s hard to be undecided, unmoved, unchanged, unwilling to make yourself see what is around you and notice things that should maybe mean something… but somewhere along the line they have lost all hope for ever taking a place in your heart. “When you wish upon a star…” it’s comforting to believe that they take a hold of your soul and make its deepest wishes come true. If only happiness was found that easily: Wrapped up in sunsets and shooting stars.



[written on March 30th, 2005]

to trust

you become friends with people due to an initial connection. a common interest, a mutual friend, or simply hitting it off upon first being introduced. over time that friendship grows... as you become closer to each other, confiding in each other... trusting each other. yet no matter how good of a friendship you have, how deeply you respect the other person, sometimes you question their honesty. a statement that is directed so convincingly in tone is sometimes met with doubt in your mind and you begin to wonder... are they being honest with me? can i really trust them? you want to believe you can... yet at times there is there underlying feeling that tells you something is wrong. why? it could be that in fact they aren't always completely honest with you, and that is something you have to deal with depending on the situation. it also could be that maybe you don't always want to believe them, sometimes they are so irritantingly perfect that you want them to screw up... you want them to make a mistake. it would make you feel more like a human being and less like someone who always is trying to measure up to their friend. however there is yet another possible option. perhaps you are not ever entirely convinced about the things people say... you've been hurt before by believing in statements that were in fact false, and now you have a hard time trusting people... no matter who they are. for whatever reason, we don't always trust what our friends say. i don't think anyone does. sure the important things we take to heart, and if you're close to them chances are you believe them 99% of the time. point of the matter being, don't be discouraged if you one day are questioning what your best friend has told you. chances are its a minimal problem and it will pass. we're human beings and we all have doubt. it might not always be the thing we want to posess, but its there. for whatever reason. and you just have to find the source... and deal with it accordingly.

what to be???

utter confusion melts into the happy thoughts... creating this half real, half fake grin that wants to be big and small at the same time. the result is stressful and almost war-like.
"to be or not to be...that is the question."
to be confused, upset, and dissapointed we take certain steps. we dwell on the things that make us unhappy. we remember instances from our past in which we are not proud, or circumstances in which we wish the outcome would have been different, for one reason or another. and not only do we think about our present situation and past mistakes, but we also begin to question ourselves as individuals. asking if there is something that we don't seem to see that is causing all of this hurt and anguish. as if maybe it really is all our fault. something inside that radiates off of us screaming, "hurt me! let-me down! make me cry... i'm not worthy of any better."
sometimes its so easy to be that person sitting silently with a frown, contemplating all these thoughts and feelings that bring us down so simply... but is it easier in the long run???
to be happy, appreciative, and content is a totally different way to travel through life. and you know that road thats a lot harder to travel down, but worth it in the end?? ya. sometimes being happy is that road. sometimes you don't want to be cheery, and full of smiles. sometimes you just want to cry. yet, then there are those days that go by without a smile leaving your face. and you begin to realize how much you have to be grateful for in your life. your friends, your family, your home... etc. etc. everyone has countless and countless reasons to be happy. they just seem to be ignored at the times we need to acknowledge them the most.
life is full of laughter, and pain. for every wonderful moment that you have, there is no doubt that you can come up with a dissapointing memory to go along with it. thats just the way it is. life isn't easy, and sometimes it just doesn't seem fair. going up and down the emotional roller coaster, becomes so exhausting at times you feel as if your going to go plummeting off in order to stop all the sickness you sometimes feel. but you don't. you keep on moving. and truth be told, it will all be okay. maybe not today, maybe not next week, maybe not for a long time. but... it will be okay. one day you'll get the strength and the mentality to realize that you're fine. that you're strong enough to make it through all the crap that gets tossed in your face and you'll realize: you have a reason to be happy. you have a reason to smile... and gosh darnit. thats what you're going to do.

it all falls

Does it ever end?
Days and days go by
With-in each a tear
Born with a thought
Dying slowly down

Dead and then re-born
In some form, constant
Weary and tired
A frustrated heart anchors
And stays down

Subtle lies, visible daggers
Each piercing gradually
In and out
Never letting go
And so they go down

Stay happiness, stay!
Running farther hurts
The pain increases
Terrified and alone
The mouth frowns,
down.

Down
down
down... to stay.

waiting

In life, you have to do a lot of waiting. When you're younger you wait for that new toy, you wait to grow up, you wait for that first kiss... And then things change and waiting gets more and more frustrating. How long are you going to have to wait until you know what college you want to go to? Or how long until you finally find yourself in a a good relationship? Let alone a relationship at all.
Life is full of waiting. Waiting to see what happens next, who is going to dissapoint you, who is going to be there for you when you need it the most. Honestly... waiting sucks. People always say its worth it... one of these days down the road all that lonely time you spent waiting is going to pay off. Just wait, because something better is around the corner...
How do you believe that?? How can you?
Life is full of waiting and hurrying up what happens next isn't in our control.
Unfortuanately...

page by page

do you remember those books you used to read as a child... the ones where you got to decide what happened in the story?
"turn to page 45 to go on the small path. turn to page 51 to go on the boat."
say you decided to choose the boat and you were killed by a monstrous storm... you would simply go back and choose the small path instead and continue on your way. why let the story end when you can go back and choose the better option?

life isn't like that. after you make a decision and turn the page, thats its. theres no going back. that page is cemented down and theres no way you're ever going to be able and go back and change what happened. and sometimes that really sucks. you find yourself questioning what decisions you made and wondering if you're suddenly headed down a path of dissapointment and unhappiness. but you don't know. and thats the worst part. not knowing. some people say that what you don't know can't hurt you... however sometimes i think its the things you don't know that can hurt you the most. because sometimes whats written on the pages isn't in your control. no matter how much you want to write your life story the way you see it happening in your mind... it doesn't work like that. sometimes people have more control over your life than you want to admit. what they do, what they say, how they act, influences the way you feel... they influence your life. and you don't know if thats going to be a good way or a bad way. all you can do is sit there until the next page turns and you slowly begin to discover what's happening next in the story. and like all stories... there are surprises. unexpected occurences. tears. smiles. pain. anger. dissapointment. and you have to be patient to see what happens next. you can't skip over some parts of the book that you don't like.

you have to keep on trudging through it. no matter how awful it sometimes seems.

Breakdown on 42nd Street

The night air was cold and nippy, and a certain overhang seemed to envelop the darkened street as though some sort of presence was there. A young man was the only visible human being one would have saw that night, if they had been out and about. Yet everyone seemed to crawl inside, as if the dark would somehow overtake them. The man walked carefully down the concrete, taking precise steps that would have seemed to be all the same if someone had gone and measured the distance between each. He seemed to be in no hurry to get anywhere, just taking his time, pausing every once in awhile to look at the buildings that surrounded him, or at the occasional leaf blowing by. He kept his hands in his pockets, to warm them, one would assume, and his hat was off to one side covering his right eye. At the corner of 42nd and Phillip the man stopped walking for the first time in a couple miles. A bench was placed there and within the next instant the man took a seat and removed his hat from his head. Then he did something none would have expected. The young man just placed his head in his hands and started to cry. The tears began to flow down his cheeks, starting at his eyes and ending at his lips. He remained that way for quite sometime, until finally he reached into his coat and pulled out a small red box. The young man stared at it for a minute, as if trying to decide whether he should open it or not, but in the end the decision to open it won out, and inside was a perfect diamond ring, with a flawless golden band. And at that moment, anyone would understand what sort of eeriness hung in the air that night, it was the feeling of a broken heart, torn in to pieces, by a love now lost...forever.



[side note: i wrote this a while ago and and it has since been continued into something resembling the makings of a novel. even if it is never finished. ]

quirks & complaints

she's not happy. he's frustrated. you can relate. to the way the world works. how people let you down. agreement with other people's decisions does not always come and in return you're left questioning yourself. wondering, how you've survived this long in a world that is so cruel... so unforgiving, with people who at times seem to do nothing but dissapoint you again and again. why are you being forced to go through all this crap?

she can't stop crying. he doesn't know how much more he can take. you feel like giving up. putting everything in your life on hold in order to get back some of your sanity. the hole of pain you're in seems to be getting - bigger and the light shining down - smaller. suddenly its like you're choking, but you're the only one who realizes it is happening. nobody can save you.

she stops talking. he freaks out. you (on the other hand) realize there is an answer. yes, while in fact the world isn't always the place you wish you were, and sometimes your friends are the ones who seem more like enemies than anyone who is going to help you... you are not alone. we don't always understand why God puts us through all the trials we face in our lives. but the truth of the matter is: there is a reason. and you can make it...

she/he/you know... life isn't going to end because of the way someone treated you. time keeps going even after something horrible happens. you might wish it didn't but it does... and you have to keep moving right along with it. learning from the experiences you go through and figuring out that you just need to learn to be okay with yourself. and accept that God has a perfect plan for you and for your life...

no matter how doubtful that sometimes seems.