page by page

do you remember those books you used to read as a child... the ones where you got to decide what happened in the story?
"turn to page 45 to go on the small path. turn to page 51 to go on the boat."
say you decided to choose the boat and you were killed by a monstrous storm... you would simply go back and choose the small path instead and continue on your way. why let the story end when you can go back and choose the better option?

life isn't like that. after you make a decision and turn the page, thats its. theres no going back. that page is cemented down and theres no way you're ever going to be able and go back and change what happened. and sometimes that really sucks. you find yourself questioning what decisions you made and wondering if you're suddenly headed down a path of dissapointment and unhappiness. but you don't know. and thats the worst part. not knowing. some people say that what you don't know can't hurt you... however sometimes i think its the things you don't know that can hurt you the most. because sometimes whats written on the pages isn't in your control. no matter how much you want to write your life story the way you see it happening in your mind... it doesn't work like that. sometimes people have more control over your life than you want to admit. what they do, what they say, how they act, influences the way you feel... they influence your life. and you don't know if thats going to be a good way or a bad way. all you can do is sit there until the next page turns and you slowly begin to discover what's happening next in the story. and like all stories... there are surprises. unexpected occurences. tears. smiles. pain. anger. dissapointment. and you have to be patient to see what happens next. you can't skip over some parts of the book that you don't like.

you have to keep on trudging through it. no matter how awful it sometimes seems.