Yes, God.

What do you WANT more than everything? If life didn't give you conditions, or rules, or obstacles... what would you want to do? who would you want to be with? what would you want to accomplish? what would you want to own? who would you want to be? There are so many questions and so many possibilities. So many options and not enough time. Not enough money. Not enough desire. Not enough courage. There is always something holding us back. Someone standing in our way. But that doesn't make the question invalid. Ask yourself... what do you WANT? Really. Truly. Deeply.

Now as yourself this question: What does God WANT for you? If you could listen clearly to His voice what would He be telling you... where would He call you... to who would He lead you... what fear would He ask you to conquer? And, more so, does what you want correspond to what He wants for you? So often we get caught up in the hustle and bustle of life and our own dreams that we don't stop and listen. We don't take the time to seek guidance, to seek counsel from the One who knows the answer before we even ask the question. His desire is more than just a WANT, it's a desire, a heartfelt attempt to provide you with the best life you could possibly imagine... if only you let Him. He is burning with a passion to hold you. to guide you. to direct you. That is more than anything you could ever dream of. A love so strong it can make the impossible, possible.

And you know what's even cooler? When God places a desire in your heart so that what you want is the exact thing that God wants for you. To be on the same page with God... to listen to Him and to seek Him... He makes the desires of your heart in tune with Him. And that is better than anything else you could possbily want! Because it comes with the blessing of the Father. It comes with support. It comes with guidance. It comes with the hope that no matter what... God has a plan. And He will provide, whatever you need to make it to the next step. He is faithful. He will fill you. He make you whole. He will give you peace that this is right... whatever it is.

Let Him take your wants and make them His. See what happens. See where He leads you. Let Him hold you close and give you the strength to make it. To accomplish your dreams. To get what you want. What He wants. With Him, you can do it. You can make it.

making lists.

I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. - Philippians 3: 13 - 14

To say that life is full of the unexpected would be a waste of breath. To go into detail about how things change, how people change, how you change would reiterate everything we already know. To discuss the way life never goes as you plan would simply bring to the surface all the moments we are still trying to figure out. We are all forced to accept the unexplainable. For, life never goes as you planned, and you never know what is going to happen next...

In my life, I have run across a variety of experiences that have taught me things about myself and the world. Some of those experiences I have entered into, knowingly deciding what I wanted for myself and taking the initiative to move forward in the right direction. I consciously made decisions that I knew would impact my life for the better, no matter how difficult that was, or no matter how many people questioned my motives. We all have dreams. We all have goals. And, when we really believe in ourselves - We possess the power to reach out and step towards what it is we hold so dear, what we want so badly. I have ambition. I have faith. I have hope. And most importantly - I am not alone. Jesus says, let me guide your feet and I will direct your path. So as I travel foward, I walk alongside someone who knows the answer, even when I don't. Who believes in me, even when I don't. Who sees the good, even when I don't.

There are things I used to promise myself I would never do. A list of "never-have-I-ever's" that I was holding on to for dear life, for a variety of reasons. Maybe simply to be different, to be certain to not dissolve into the norm of what everyone else is doing. Maybe because of my morals. Maybe because of a desire to hold onto pieces of myself and the world. Maybe because I didn't see the point. Maybe because I didn't want to. But as you get older, that list of things starts to get smaller and it starts to change. You start compromising what you thought you wanted for other people. You give a little here and a little there, until it's uncertain whether the things you now want are because you have changed, or because people have made you change. Perhaps, it's a little bit of both. One day you wake up and realize almost all the things you said you'd never do are now just a part of a past you are forced to accept, forced to forget. You see innocence and naivety slipping away, and suddenly maturity and experience are taking its place. You have gained wisdom, whether you wanted it or not. You learn something new, because you have to.

The thing I have yet to accept is how to let go of all the lists. The list of what I never wanted. The "never-have-I-ever's" that have become "I-have-already's". The list of regrets. The list of things I expect from myself. The list of things I want to become. The list of rules. The list of names - people who have left, people who have pieces of who I am, people who influenced me in ways I never wanted. The list of things to do with people that will now never happen - lists I can't seem to get out of my head. My mind is full of lists - they haunt me. They judge me. They laugh at me. They tell me I can't, that I won't, that I've already screwed up. They tell me people leave. They tell me people disappoint. They tell me I will never be loved. But, these are not the lists that matter.

There is only one list that matters. A list of all the promises that Jesus Christ gives me, and gives you, through His death on the cross. A list that can never be erased or changed by people or taken away. A list that remains, in spite of all the things that don't. It tells me that the other lists don't matter. It tells me I am more than the sum of past mistakes. I am more than what people make me to be, or try to tell me that I am. Because what I am is - a child of God. What I am is - forgiven. What I am is - unconditionally loved and covered by His grace. What I am is who Christ is through me. I belong to Him, I am His and He is mine. To Him - all the other lists are insignificant. All that matters is that I continue to seek Him. That I surrender all the lists that bring me down and let Him lift me up.

I tear up lists in the name of the Father. In a process that will take the rest of my life, I continue to surrender everything that threatens to hold me back in order to pursue a relationship with the One who loves me no matter what. I try to understand what He has given me every day so that I may lay my mistakes, my past, and my hesitation at His feet - in order to live every day with a renewed hope and purpose. Living for Him. Making a list of all the reasons why I follow Him, why I love Him, why I truly believe there is no other way to live than through a belief in God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit. He is, and He will always be. What else matters more than that?

illusion.

it barely takes anything and i feel it all come rushing back. like the taste of a listerine pocketpak, hauntingly strong yet, somehow refreshing. just to know its still there. the lingering illusion of what once and what will never be. there is a single memory frozen. attached to the present that has triggered this moment. it's all there. i feel my body filling with air i can't release. crushing me. and all i can do is sit and reflect. close my eyes and envision what never was. replay the scenarios that have started to fade. just to keep them. just to hold on a little longer. just to imagine there is a reason to keep believing.

whoever said daydreams were foolish never saw this. never felt this. drifting off to sleep and feeling it again... no longer alone.