making lists.

I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. - Philippians 3: 13 - 14

To say that life is full of the unexpected would be a waste of breath. To go into detail about how things change, how people change, how you change would reiterate everything we already know. To discuss the way life never goes as you plan would simply bring to the surface all the moments we are still trying to figure out. We are all forced to accept the unexplainable. For, life never goes as you planned, and you never know what is going to happen next...

In my life, I have run across a variety of experiences that have taught me things about myself and the world. Some of those experiences I have entered into, knowingly deciding what I wanted for myself and taking the initiative to move forward in the right direction. I consciously made decisions that I knew would impact my life for the better, no matter how difficult that was, or no matter how many people questioned my motives. We all have dreams. We all have goals. And, when we really believe in ourselves - We possess the power to reach out and step towards what it is we hold so dear, what we want so badly. I have ambition. I have faith. I have hope. And most importantly - I am not alone. Jesus says, let me guide your feet and I will direct your path. So as I travel foward, I walk alongside someone who knows the answer, even when I don't. Who believes in me, even when I don't. Who sees the good, even when I don't.

There are things I used to promise myself I would never do. A list of "never-have-I-ever's" that I was holding on to for dear life, for a variety of reasons. Maybe simply to be different, to be certain to not dissolve into the norm of what everyone else is doing. Maybe because of my morals. Maybe because of a desire to hold onto pieces of myself and the world. Maybe because I didn't see the point. Maybe because I didn't want to. But as you get older, that list of things starts to get smaller and it starts to change. You start compromising what you thought you wanted for other people. You give a little here and a little there, until it's uncertain whether the things you now want are because you have changed, or because people have made you change. Perhaps, it's a little bit of both. One day you wake up and realize almost all the things you said you'd never do are now just a part of a past you are forced to accept, forced to forget. You see innocence and naivety slipping away, and suddenly maturity and experience are taking its place. You have gained wisdom, whether you wanted it or not. You learn something new, because you have to.

The thing I have yet to accept is how to let go of all the lists. The list of what I never wanted. The "never-have-I-ever's" that have become "I-have-already's". The list of regrets. The list of things I expect from myself. The list of things I want to become. The list of rules. The list of names - people who have left, people who have pieces of who I am, people who influenced me in ways I never wanted. The list of things to do with people that will now never happen - lists I can't seem to get out of my head. My mind is full of lists - they haunt me. They judge me. They laugh at me. They tell me I can't, that I won't, that I've already screwed up. They tell me people leave. They tell me people disappoint. They tell me I will never be loved. But, these are not the lists that matter.

There is only one list that matters. A list of all the promises that Jesus Christ gives me, and gives you, through His death on the cross. A list that can never be erased or changed by people or taken away. A list that remains, in spite of all the things that don't. It tells me that the other lists don't matter. It tells me I am more than the sum of past mistakes. I am more than what people make me to be, or try to tell me that I am. Because what I am is - a child of God. What I am is - forgiven. What I am is - unconditionally loved and covered by His grace. What I am is who Christ is through me. I belong to Him, I am His and He is mine. To Him - all the other lists are insignificant. All that matters is that I continue to seek Him. That I surrender all the lists that bring me down and let Him lift me up.

I tear up lists in the name of the Father. In a process that will take the rest of my life, I continue to surrender everything that threatens to hold me back in order to pursue a relationship with the One who loves me no matter what. I try to understand what He has given me every day so that I may lay my mistakes, my past, and my hesitation at His feet - in order to live every day with a renewed hope and purpose. Living for Him. Making a list of all the reasons why I follow Him, why I love Him, why I truly believe there is no other way to live than through a belief in God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit. He is, and He will always be. What else matters more than that?