before the enemy

She used to love walking, through parks, along sidewalks, in the company of a friend. She was a fast walker, moving a rapid pace until she returned, nearly out of breath. Now she sits, oxygen tank by her side, the tubes traveling up to her nose. Without even moving, she is already out of breath. Her walking days are over... She now spends her time in her favorite chair, sometimes doing a puzzle, other times just relaxing. She is no longer the pace setter. Her pace has been set for her by the enemy living within her body - cancer. Over the past months it has made her pace slower and slower until getting up to take a few steps sets her into a fit of coughing. Her body is frail, and those firm hugs she used to give - a little looser. The few strands of hair she still has peek from underneath the baseball cap she no longer goes without. She is no longer the same person. The cancer has over taken her body and turned her into someone weak and frail. The only thing that has not faltered is her heart, her spirit, and her faith. She still laughs, jokes, smiles, and believes. She is still the same caring, tenderhearted, loving woman, everyone loves. And because of that spirit, that hope, she is strong.

She will always be one of the most respected and treasured people in my life... whether she is sitting right next to me, or whether one day she is forced to live on in my heart. She is my aunt, I love her and I will never forget all the different ways she has touched my life. She has been a part of shaping who I am, and I hope that one day I have the privelege of being even a fraction of the person she is. She is truly amazing...

to keep living

everyone is different. something strikes us one way or another, good or bad, and each of us have a different way of dealing with it. the people around us don't always understand why... but to us, its the only way. we don't know any other way of handling it.

we laugh. we cry. we get angry and take it out on the people around us. we seclude ourselves and refuse to let anyone come near us. we distance ourselves from others, or we cling tightly to the ones we love with fear. we let our minds go completely blank so we don't have to think about it... whatever it is. sometimes we hurt ourselves, in one way or another... and it gets worse. we don't allow ourselves to get up and so instead we just keep falling. we break down. we break down and... we stay down.

sometimes people comment, "he doesn't know how to handle it." to them, they are right. they are all knowing because they are the ones looking in on the situation... and they are the stronger person. they are stronger because they are not there. they are not experiencing the kind of pain, heartache, struggle, confusion, and dissapointment the person they are judging is going through. when we are little we are told to put ourselves in another person's shoes to know how they feel... easier said than done. in fact, easy to say... impossible to do. unless you have actually been there, until you know exactly what someone is going through, you are clueless as to how a situation should be handled. you have no right to say anything. you don't know.

everyone handles things differently. it is how they feel a sort of comfort... it is how they survive. whether it is "right or wrong" does not matter to them. and unless they are on the verge of doing something harmful... it shouldn't matter to you.
help them along, be the shoulder they can cry on, let them know you care, and if you do... it will be much easier for them to start standing again. but don't judge, love them where they are and try to be as understanding as possible, even if you have no idea how they feel.
and if they push you away... don't take it personally. for its a good possibility that they know you don't understand... and maybe never will. and involving people in something they can't comprehend sometimes makes things more complicated than they already are.

yes, everyone handles situations in their own way.
and that way... is the reason a lot of us are still here:
breathing, living, laughing, crying, and moving on.
life is hard. and we're going to break down.
but if we find a way to deal with the struggles...
even if it is "our way"... we'll make it.

inside my heart

hap·py (hāp'ē)
Characterized by good luck; fortunate.
Enjoying, showing, or marked by pleasure, satisfaction, or joy.
Being especially well-adapted; felicitous:



its dark. everyone is sleeping. except for me...
three o'clock in the morning and there i am.
yet again. my mind whirling.
the tears falling onto my pillow.
asking yet again:
when do i get to be happy?

there are many less fortuanate than i.
yet my heart tells me i have been unlucky.
i am not satisified. i do not sing of joy.
begging for a more enjoyable life... i cry.
struggles, past and present, bring me down.
i am losing the battle.

last night a temptation arose.
appealing, as i remembered its' comfort.
[being able to control the pain]
oh stranger, it has been so long.
and from you i will continue to run.
your proposal spells disaster.

my fingers tightly grasp a fraying strand.
hope that seems to be running out.
i promise i will try - to keep my head above water.
but sometimes my arms begin to tire.
and then i sink, until You pull me up and say:

I created you. I love you. I forgive you.

The Carousel

"Giddy up horsey!" screamed the little girl on the carousel. Her thin blonde ponytails flew in the wind, accompianed by the purple ribbons that held them in place. Cascading over the horse was the beautiful purple and white dress she wore, and on her toes a pair of perfectly white shoes.

"Giddy up!" she yelled again, and then turned to the side to see her parents standing there smiling.

The galant ride atop the white carousel pony went on for a good ten minutes before it came to a halt and the little girl jumped off the horse and ran down into her daddy's arms.

He scooped her up and kissed her cheek and the mother laughed by his side, as she took his arm and they walked away from the carousel together.

Sweet carousel, innocent child, a combination that is the recipe for happiness. Yet happiness is not what little girls are made of.

15 years later... the girl has become a vivid and wild 19 year old. Her once blonde hair is now as black as night, and the dress has been replaced with fancy bras and small skirts. On her feet she wears nothing, shoes are not needed where she is.

The bounciness of her childhood is no longer. Now all she longs for is making people happy. Harmless right? Wrong, for that wanting is the key to her broken heart, buried within her. She is no longer someone who is loved, but someone who is used.

Theres on a knock on her door. Walking over the beer bottles and the trash that can be found all over, the woman gets up and lets the visitor in.

He, is a tall, muscular man, around the age of 23. His hair is dark brown, and he wears a white t-shirt and faded jeans. He walks in and the two exchange words.

"You know what I want."

"What you want isn't free you know..."

"Oh, I think it is." and with that he pulls out a gun, and points it at her head. She falls back and sits on the bed. Tears begin coming down her face, as he walks towards her.

And as he walks closer she begins to sing,
"Sitting on a carousel ride without any music or light.
Everything was closed at coney island, and I could not help from smiling..."



[written November 30th, 2004]

bittersweet goodbyes

he was leaning against the building; tall, broad shoulders, brown hair, no smile. his dark blue eyes stared intently at the crowd filing into the building for the big game... searching for someone in particular. he had no intention of entering that gymnasium. he was here to do one thing, and as soon as he had he was leaving. not only leaving the building…he was leaving the state. and he was never coming back. after tonight he doubted there would be anything left for him here. and that was the way it had to be. he crossed his arms and briefly looked at the ground. focusing on one area helped him not to lose it. he couldn't break down yet. not here. not now. not till it was over. he took a deep breath and raised his head. and that’s when he saw her.

she was walking towards him without a care in the world; her hair blowing gently back and her face radiant with a smile. he could hear her laugh and he winced. [he had always loved that laugh, loved hearing it, and now it was killing him to know he would probably never hear it again]. she was surrounded by friends on either side and they walked arm in arm. he knew them well and wished they would just vanish. but there they were. she looked from friend to friend, smiling big, and then slightly forward... and in that moment: she saw him. their eyes locked and immediately her smile evaporated. it was as if an unexpected storm cloud had suddenly enclosed the sun. the light was no longer able to escape and suddenly the night felt gloomier. she stopped in her tracks. her friends continued a step before realizing and turned to look at her. she simply stared. following her gaze they saw him. leaning against the building, looking as intimidating as ever and yet at the same time... completely vulnerable.

his heart was beating loudly inside his chest. this was it. it was time. he watched her whisper something to her friends; and then they squeezed her hand and continued toward the gym doors... passing him as they went they simply smiled out of pure habit. a smile merely given for lack of a better response. he didn't smile back. all he could do was stare at her as she gradually made her way towards him. when she reached him he didn't say a word. and neither did she. they were both terrified of what was to come. him, knowing what had to be said and she, fearing the unknown. he grabbed her hand and led her to his car.
and then he drove. and they sat in silence until the reached it. the spot. [over the years they had met here, time and time again. it was no place special, in fact it was nothing more than a public park… but they had memories here.] they both got out of the car and started to walk along the bike-path, as they always had. finally. he spoke.
“I’m leaving...”
there was a slight pause and deep sigh before she replied. “I know…”
they kept walking. [they had both known this day was going to come. they had known it for years. ever since he had decided to join the military. back when they were barely friends he had told her what he wanted to do with his life. at the time she had respected it and gave him congratulations in being so certain of his future. little did she know, little did they both know, how close they would become.]
“I don’t know what to say…” he whispered.
she didn’t know either. she had not been prepared to do this tonight. she had not thought about what to say, yet she didn’t know if any words were the right ones. she didn’t want to say good-bye to him… couldn’t say good-bye to him. he had become a part of her life she could count on… a friend who would always be there no matter how long it had been since they had last talked. he had always been there for her and now he was asking her to let him go. it was too much to ask and as the thoughts and memories ran through her head tears began to form at the corners of her eyes. she stopped walking and looked at him.
as he saw her tears more memories came flooding back to him of all the times she had cried. all the times he had held her… told her it was going to be okay. oh how beautiful she looked when she cried. and now… here they were again. but this time he couldn’t tell her it was going to be okay. he couldn’t give her a solution. he couldn’t offer her words of advice. this time they were both in the same boat and they were both completely miserable.
he did the only thing he could do. he took her into his arms and as he did he could hear her sobbing, feel her tears sink into his shirt and then tears began to fall from his own eyes. he had never thought what had started as an accquantaince through a mutual friend would turn into such a good friendship together. he regretted not hanging out with her more. [having different lives they had had a hard time getting together on a regular basis and a lot of times would go months without seeing each other. they had talked often… but it had never been quite what they wanted. but it was the best they could do and they had worked it out.] now he wished he had set aside all his prior obligations and had made it a priority to see her. little did he know the same thoughts were going through her head...


and so they sit there. in a park. holding on to the last moments they will probably ever share together. [a couple. long-time friends. family members. people who have been touched by another and are being asked to let go.] no, it is not easy. but…life does not give us what we want. on the contrary it often forces us to accept things we can hardly comprehend.
friends leave… after years of memories, of good times and bad, of sharing the laughter and the pain… they walk out of our lives for some reason or the next and leave behind footprints in our hearts.
people die… a plan in which only God can understand, sometimes we are asked to say good-bye to people before we are ready, before we think they are ready… but he knows, and he has a reason.

life is full of introductions and good-byes. of happy beginnings and bittersweet endings. a “hello” is the start of brand new memories, and new experiences. a “good-bye” simply says thank you for everything and the times we will never forget. we can avoid neither… nor do we want to. it’s a cycle that shapes who we are… and who we’re going to become.